Well, I’m 6 days into the whole30. I had a pretty shitty weekend, but I’m doing ok now. I’ve never had such a difficult time with it, but I seriously felt like I was getting the flu for a minute. Pretty eye opening. I’ve never started from such a low place.

I feel pretty fantastic in some respects now (i.e., no stomach drama), so I’m super motivated to continue.

I started back with the trainer last night and subsequently can’t move today. Also pretty eye opening. It’s crazy how quickly things go to hell. I think I took a month off? Maybe 3 weeks? SO sore today.

I registered and paid for the beginner yoga class I mentioned, but had to miss the first class this morning because I had to be across town by 7:30a to take a really important test:

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I’ve been working toward my clinical license for several years. Lots of years if you consider that this was the goal from the time I chose this path in undergrad. So, 2 degrees, 1 lower level license, 3000 clinical hours, 100 clinical supervision hours, tons of paperwork, a background check/fingerprints and 1 stressful exam later and I’m done (pending approval by the state board)!

I didn’t tell anyone about the exam out of fear that I’d fail it. I’ve been pretty confident that I’d pass, but you just never know. I spent quite a bit of time reading horror stories online last night when I was too paralyzed to study more.

Failing it would have been SO humiliating.

I was SUPER anxious this morning and completely brain dead by the time it was done (3 and a half hours after I started). I’m totally wiped out from the stress and relief.

Other than losing 110+ pounds (and maintaining a 100 pound loss all this time), this is probably the goal I’ve most wanted to achieve.

I came home and wanted all.the.sugar – so I made a snack of unsweetened coconut, frozen blueberries, raisins and walnuts.

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And then promptly fell asleep.

We’re just hanging out tonight. Classes start tomorrow.

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(The testing center guy took my picture this morning and compared it to the one taken 3 or so years ago when I took the (much less stressful) exam for my general master’s level license – the DAY AFTER Jon’s cancer diagnosis before we knew ANYTHING.

I took it because they have a 24 hour reschedule policy and I didn’t know about the cancer 24 hours before the test. I had paid a lot of money that I’d just lose. Jon was insistent that I do it even though I was in a fog and barely able to keep it together and really didn’t care AT ALL about the money or the test. I cried the whole way there. It was stupid, but I passed it – and I guess I’m glad I sucked it up and got it over with.

The guy today said: “Oh, you got all gussied up for this test. Looks like you just rolled out of bed last time.” He laughed and showed me the picture. It WAS really bad. My eyes were super puffy and my nose was red and my face was blotchy and I looked …. stressed.

Seeing that reminder of those horrible days has bothered me all day for some reason. They were some of the worst of my life – and they were completely unexpected. It’s scary how fast life can change. And how quickly it can be threatened – and end.

I’m not sure why I’m struggling with all of this so much lately, but I am.)

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