Woo! Best day of the year!

My plan/goal for 2015: Get my life back.

2014 was sort of clouded from the start by upcoming change and scary/unknown events – primarily Jon’s child #3 moving in, MC’s arrival and the complete overhaul to start the PhD program. Too much life structure sort of change led to me kinda hunkering down for a while to survive.

That really exactly sums up 2014. I just survived.

I’m glad it’s over.

Now I want my life back. The one where I’m free to think about fun things and focus some on hobbies and enjoy day-to-day minutiae rather than just making it through the stress and anxiety. I’m going to make a solid effort to not be so consumed by school, for sure, and to get back to having some balance. My future is clear, too – right now – of KNOWN challenges/change and I am really happy about that.

So, goals!

We have some goals regarding finances and house stuff and a potential new car, etc. – but that’s boring. Fun stuff:

Exercise:

I’ve been thinking about exercise goals a lot lately and I keep going back to thinking about running a half marathon for my 35th (!!!) birthday. I’ve been trying to talk myself out of it because I know I’m going to hate myself for it when I’m in the midst of training drama, but I swear it’s the first thing that pops into my mind when I think about exercise goals. SO – I’m going to do it.

My overall/primary goal is just to run. No fast pace, no caring about pace/time, no crazy training schedule – just do it. Make an effort. Even if a lot of the effort involves walking.

I’m signing up for one race each month of 2015 – and I have a plan:

Jan – NYD 5k (done!)
Feb – 5k on 2/14
Mar – 5k on 3/29
Apr – 5k on 4/25
May – 10k on 5/23
Jun – 7k on 6/13
Jul – 5k on 7/3
Aug – Half Marathon!
Sept – 15k on 9/13
Oct – 15k on 10/11
Nov – Half Marathon on Thanksgiving in ATL (maybe)!
Dec – Santa Hustle Half Marathon (maybe)!

This is SUPER ambitious, I know. Can I go from zero half marathons to 3 in one year? I don’t know, but I’m going to try. I might have to alter this some, of course, (dropping a couple of the half marathons to 5ks) but it’s a goal to strive for – and I’m going to try my best. I obviously planned it so I can build and I’ve given myself 8 months to prepare for my first half, so we’ll see.

Today really solidified for me that this is the right thing. We went to the local NYD 5K and it was so great! The actual running part and the cold and all that sucked since it’s been so long – but I had so much fun being outside and being active and seeing a bunch of my running friends. There’s a very good chance I’ll never be “good” at it – but it’s really what I want to do with my free time.

(I was able to jog the entire first mile without stopping to walk and seriously impressed myself. I anticipated making it a quarter of a mile at most.)

Did it!

I’m also planning to register for a 6 week “beginner series” yoga class at a nearby studio. It says this on their website:

This series is intended for complete beginners and will help you uncover the benefits of an ancient system that offers greater flexibility, balance, strength, and concentration.

In this series you can expect to learn poses (and the names that go with them!), basic anatomy, safety for your body, breathing, and concentration techniques. All portions of the class will be taught slowly, clearly, and in an interactive environment that encourages questions and discussion.

I’m not as sure about this one, but I need to do it. My back and body are hurting nearly constantly these days. Yoga or some other stretching will likely go a long way in improving this situation, so what the hell, right? I need to try for a while and see what happens.

I’m also sticking with 2 days a week of strength training (an hour each time), which is typical for me. Once with the trainer, once with her homework plan.

I put all of this in my calendar because I am WAY more likely to keep up with it if it’s planned. Realistically, it boils down to an hour or 2 of exercise each day (maybe more when I’m running longer distances a few months from now). That’s NOTHING when I think about how much time I easily spend watching tv or reading or whatever.

Like I said, I want my life back. This is a BIG part.

Exercise is my hobby and a large part of my social life/outlet (and a huge boost for mental health). I miss it when I stop and am anxious to get back to it. I think part of 2014 being sort of shitty stems from not making it a priority.

Food:

No real major goals other to plan meals a month in advance – and to stick to the plan. Jon and I made out a calendar for January with all dinners planned (including “treat meals”) and a list of stuff to prep each Sunday. We used to do it a week at a time, but it would all fall apart if we didn’t have time to plan each Sunday and then the whole week would be crazy with restaurants and other debauchery – so now we just have to plan one time each month. Should be doable. Realistically, we could likely reuse the plan each month if we’re feeling really lazy/busy.

I’m doing a whole30 for January because I need to focus on cleaning up my diet and getting back to my old ways. It’s been bad. I’ve deviated some from everything I worked so hard to instill and need to be more intentional. I’m just going to be more conscious, in general, about what goes into my mouth.

(today’s lunch: Jon made a big pot of soup with leftover ham)

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HOWEVER, I’m also really tired of feeling like food has control. Or – really – that food is an avenue to gaining some feeling of control when everything else feels chaotic. It never works. I’m not sure why my brain is wired to either binge or restrict (count calories or super focus on food) when I’m stressed and anxious and life feels out of control – but that’s the way it is. One extreme or the other.

I’ve been working on it for years and I’m just ready to be DONE. Control isn’t what I mean when I say intentional. There’s a big difference that took a while for me to figure out.

Being intentional, conscious and aware of what I’m feeling/doing/thinking/eating/choosing = lower chance of blank freak-out and mindless extreme behavior (like eating a box of white chocolate covered oreos in one sitting or conversely monitoring and counting every little calorie I consume).

(today’s dinner: corned beef & cabbage)

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Life:

Like I said before, I’m going to make an effort to not let myself get so worked up over school that I completely lose sight of everything else.

And I’m going to work on the emotional thing with the food. Not using food to feel control when I’m anxious – or to soothe. I’m really ready to end this once and for all.

And I’m going to try to make an effort to learn how to dress myself. Maybe I’ll post pictures to keep myself accountable? Jon and his kids made a thing about how nice I looked recently and I was seriously wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt and hiking boots. I don’t think they’d seen me out of pajama pants with my hair in a ponytail in days. So. I need to make an effort. Comfort is my thing, but I don’t have to look like I make ZERO effort.

I’m having some feelings about turning 35 this year that I’m not sure I know how to articulate. I’ve never actually had a feeling about an age before, so I’m not sure what’s going on – but it hit me recently and has stuck. I’m turning THIRTY-FIVE.

35 year old people have their shit together and are adults and are just … something. I don’t know. I have a problem with not being where I should be at this age (emotionally) (I’m totally good with my marriage and my home and my job/school and the fantastic life I’ve intentionally created). But where should I be? Who the hell knows. The whole thing is a mess in my mind right now. I’ll figure it out. I just feel like 35 is a big thing. I’m feeling a monumental shift to adulthood and a desire to be the best person I can be with the healthiest mind and body I can have.

(Yes, I recognize I sound crazy.)

Anyway. Time to get my shit together.

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He's good with the guilt. ❤️❤️

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