Well, that little snow storm I mentioned last time? The one that kept me from running? Totally outdone last week.

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It started Wednesday afternoon (and my office closed just after lunch), but was pretty insignificant throughout the day. Thursday, though? Woke up to 6″.

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I was excited for two reasons, one being the free day at home (even though I still worked all day – just in my pajamas which is SO MUCH BETTER) and the other being Molly. I waited until the sun was up before I dug out my Michigan snow pants and boots that have been mostly untouched since returning to Tennessee (WHERE THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN) and took her outside to play.

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This one wouldn’t risk wading through it, but I don’t blame him.

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Molly was in heaven.

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Most of the pictures I took are just a blur of her zooming around the yard.

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Or are similar to this.

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Fun morning.

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Unfortunately, Jon was in Canada and was due to be home that night – but wound up stuck there. He was still stuck on Friday and had been rescheduled on flights that were being delayed and were otherwise risky, so he wound up rerouting and terminating in Atlanta. I headed down after work to retrieve him and to spend at least a couple of Valentine’s Day hours with him.

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We stayed overnight with his mom and drove back home yesterday morning.

(I think I’m likely eventually going to be shopping for a bigger car.)

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So that’s February so far. Bad weather, Jon has traveled both weeks and I’ve mostly been sitting around with an electric blanket and a couple of dogs on top of me.

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It snowed again overnight, so there’s about half an inch on the ground right now. A good, fun snow is one thing. This ongoing drama? Not acceptable.
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I ran 3M last Sunday, but that’s it for the past week other than a couple of strength training work outs (I’m doing with a friend).

Honestly, I’m struggling right now. With a lot of things.

I’ve solidly gained 10 pounds this year (yes, in a month and a half) – the declared “year of rededication to health.” This is not a 10 pound blip or fluctuation (that I’m more accustomed to). It’s obviously here to stay until I do something about it.

I could say that I’m concerned about it – and I AM – but I could also say that I’m obviously not THAT concerned or it wouldn’t have happened.

I could say that I’ve still lost 100 pounds and have maintained that all this time (I’m currently weighing in at 170 – highest recorded weight is 272) – but I could also say that I know very well how easy it will be to justify and chip away at that number until I’m down to 0.

I could say that I have no idea how it happened – but that would be an outright lie.

I would like to say that I don’t care about the weight and I’m just worried about the behavior that led to the weight gain – but that would be a lie, too. My clothes don’t fit well and I can feel the extra 10 pounds and I don’t like it.

I could blame it on a lot of things – but I’m just unfocused and stressed and not handling it well.

I know better.
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I’ve been thinking about the running situation and trying to determine why I’m so unfocused this time around (as compared to last year when I worked very hard to be able to run my first 5k – and enjoyed it). I think a few things are going on, but I think I’m primarily just intimidated by the half marathon I’m registered to run next month. It requires way more training time, which I’m not super thrilled about given all of the other things pulling at my time. And – if I’m going to be totally real about it – I don’t enjoy it right now. It’s hard. I’m slow. I’m overwhelmed every time I have 10M on the schedule and I wind up just not doing it. I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE and it’s taking the fun out of it.

SO. I’m dropping back down to the 5k training plan. I want to enjoy it again and have fun with it vs. dreading it. I’ve argued with myself about how I’m giving up and just taking the easy way out, etc., but I really don’t have time for that shit. One thing I know? I will keep doing things I enjoy. Also? Life is just too fucking short and I have too little free time to be spending it forcing myself to do something I don’t enjoy – or berating myself for not being “enough” at anything.

I’m going to run 3M today and I’m going to be thrilled about it … and I’ll go to my running group with joy next week instead of stewing all day and then making excuses to skip … and I’ll run 10M if I feel like running 10M or I’ll walk 5 if I feel like walking 5 and I’ll be happy about it.

That’s the life I want.
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The running is a worry, but it’s a small one compared to my real issue.

A quick scan through flickr about sums it up.

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I just realized all of that happened within a one week span.

This is where I’d insert a wide-eyed emoji if I knew how.

I’m not interested in myfitnesspal or any of those things. I know how to eat for health and well-being. I’m just not doing it.
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All of this is always a work in progress. It will work itself out. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and am taking active steps toward pulling myself out of my current tailspin.
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I got a call last week from the PhD program director (at the Univ of TN here in Knox). The official letter arrived last weekend.

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I accepted!

So I just need to finish up my clinical hours/supervision and take my clinical licensure exam and probably take a refresher statistics class and take a vacation to Iceland and get ready for a baby that will be living here in July and figure out what to do about my FT job (that I love and want to try to keep at least PT) and wrangle a 60 pound puppy while Jon’s gone nearly every week and find time to run and have fun and …… try not to bake and eat a pan of those peanut butter cookies every other day.

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