I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my eating/exercise/calorie tracking/general “health” behavior lately.
I had gotten a pretty good grip on things and had been doing well for a while. I wasn’t tracking calories, wasn’t worried about what I was consuming (or choosing not to consume), rarely weighed, etc. I remember thinking – and maybe mentioned here – that I couldn’t believe I used to be so rigid. I had adopted a pretty negative view of the counting/tracking/weighing practice and I was just over it. All of it. I even lost about 20 pounds all Intuitive Eating/sane-like (though I do attribute a good chunk of that to the gallbladder drama). I was good.
Something changed, though. Fairly recently.
I’m not sure what happened – and I can’t exactly pinpoint when it occurred (something I need to look back and figure out) – but I’ve had a shift in thinking. I’ve been tracking calories via myfitnesspal – and I have the fitbit – and I track exercise – and I’ve been enjoying it. I don’t think I’m being all rigid. I’m telling myself I’m just curious and aware that I need to monitor here and there.
I’m not obsessing. I’m not restricting anything. I’m not weighing myself every day. I don’t care much about my weight, in general, as long as my clothes fit and I’m comfortable. I exercise when I need it/enjoy it/crave it and sit on the couch when I feel like sitting on the couch.
BUT. I know this shift to tracking means something. I know I’m dipping my toes into territory I should avoid.
BUT. Really? Is it so bad to have this curiosity and desire to track if it doesn’t impact my behavior outside of giving me some clarity re: how much food I’m consuming?
Am I trying to justify iffy behavior? I don’t know.
All I know is I feel ok. I still feel as if I make food choices based on hunger + how my body feels (or will feel) + what I need to survive. Crazy binge thinking is given as much thought as irrational restriction. I feel as if I’ve been around this block. I know it. This tracking is just different.
I feel like (and have been told) it should scare me, though.
Jon recently tried to get me to a 30 day paleo challenge. I initially agreed – for reasons I’m still not sure about – but never started it and have subsequently told him to never ask again. I just hate that shit. I hate constantly thinking about food and obsessively worrying about macronutrients and restricting things that I’d otherwise not have a problem eating. I hate the focus it places on food and the good/bad vibe that starts.
I’m just completely unwilling to go there.
But I’m counting calories. Actively monitoring.
In my head, there’s a BIG difference between my casual monitoring of my food consumption and a freakishly restrictive diet – but I could be totally fucking crazy.
I don’t know what happened. I’m not sure why I’m suddenly feeling the need to monitor. I’m pretty sure it has tons of emotional implications that will take a while to work out – but I’m ok with that. It doesn’t feel crazy – yet.
Lord knows I know/can feel the difference.
The odds are WAY against me maintaining my 112 pound weight loss. Like, seriously way against me – and I refuse to lose.
Jon and I took a couple of his kids to the local fair Saturday night. We walked around the art exhibits where I spotted this almost immediately (in the youth/student section):
I was totally exhausted and almost didn’t go to the fair because the Knox Walks program kicked off Saturday morning – which meant I was up early and walked a little over 3 miles for that. Plus I went to the gym afterward for a more intense workout. Plus I had errands to run after that. Point is: non-stop action all day.
I was so pissed when I forgot to wear the fitbit the next day and screwed up the count for what could have been my best week.
I’m actually pretty excited about the walking thing this time around. Jon volunteered to lead one of the walk locations (there are 4 or 5 weekly group walks happening different days in different parts of town) + I’m backup for his travel weeks – so it should be fun. I’m hoping to be able to accommodate varying levels of walkers since there are 2 of us. I’ve been told that somebody dropped out of the program last time because she couldn’t keep up with her group – and I’ve been bugged by that. I get the sense that there’s this idea amongst the main organizers that it’s just walking (i.e., vs. running – everybody can walk, can keep up, etc.). People who’ve never been there just don’t get it – but I have no excuse – so I’m hoping that won’t happen this time around (in our group, at least).
Jon spent a bunch of time grilling over the weekend, so our refrigerator is full of stuff for the week. We’ve got the meal planning + weekly prep situation DOWN. I’m really glad we still consistently plan ahead + schedule time + make an effort.
Lunch while he had The Egg going:
He also made banana “ice cream” since we came home with a ton of leftover bananas from the Knox Walks thing. He didn’t use a recipe, but a quick google search reveals many.
This one is 2 frozen bananas + a few T of almond butter + a little vanilla + a few squares of an 88% chocolate bar – split 3 ways. We still have many frozen bananas so I see lots of this in my future.
He (and his child #4) also made some homemade banana + walnut + pecan bread.
SO GOOD. I ate the final pieces at both breakfast and lunch yesterday and am now scheming for more.