I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my eating/exercise/calorie tracking/general “health” behavior lately.

I had gotten a pretty good grip on things and had been doing well for a while. I wasn’t tracking calories, wasn’t worried about what I was consuming (or choosing not to consume), rarely weighed, etc. I remember thinking – and maybe mentioned here – that I couldn’t believe I used to be so rigid. I had adopted a pretty negative view of the counting/tracking/weighing practice and I was just over it. All of it. I even lost about 20 pounds all Intuitive Eating/sane-like (though I do attribute a good chunk of that to the gallbladder drama). I was good.

Something changed, though. Fairly recently.

I’m not sure what happened – and I can’t exactly pinpoint when it occurred (something I need to look back and figure out) – but I’ve had a shift in thinking. I’ve been tracking calories via myfitnesspal – and I have the fitbit – and I track exercise – and I’ve been enjoying it. I don’t think I’m being all rigid. I’m telling myself I’m just curious and aware that I need to monitor here and there.

I’m not obsessing. I’m not restricting anything. I’m not weighing myself every day. I don’t care much about my weight, in general, as long as my clothes fit and I’m comfortable. I exercise when I need it/enjoy it/crave it and sit on the couch when I feel like sitting on the couch.

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BUT. I know this shift to tracking means something. I know I’m dipping my toes into territory I should avoid.

BUT. Really? Is it so bad to have this curiosity and desire to track if it doesn’t impact my behavior outside of giving me some clarity re: how much food I’m consuming?

Am I trying to justify iffy behavior? I don’t know.

All I know is I feel ok. I still feel as if I make food choices based on hunger + how my body feels (or will feel) + what I need to survive. Crazy binge thinking is given as much thought as irrational restriction. I feel as if I’ve been around this block. I know it. This tracking is just different.

I feel like (and have been told) it should scare me, though.

Jon recently tried to get me to a 30 day paleo challenge. I initially agreed – for reasons I’m still not sure about – but never started it and have subsequently told him to never ask again. I just hate that shit. I hate constantly thinking about food and obsessively worrying about macronutrients and restricting things that I’d otherwise not have a problem eating. I hate the focus it places on food and the good/bad vibe that starts.

I’m just completely unwilling to go there.

But I’m counting calories. Actively monitoring.

In my head, there’s a BIG difference between my casual monitoring of my food consumption and a freakishly restrictive diet – but I could be totally fucking crazy.

I don’t know what happened. I’m not sure why I’m suddenly feeling the need to monitor. I’m pretty sure it has tons of emotional implications that will take a while to work out – but I’m ok with that. It doesn’t feel crazy – yet.

Lord knows I know/can feel the difference.

The odds are WAY against me maintaining my 112 pound weight loss. Like, seriously way against me – and I refuse to lose.
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Jon and I took a couple of his kids to the local fair Saturday night. We walked around the art exhibits where I spotted this almost immediately (in the youth/student section):

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Interesting.

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I was totally exhausted and almost didn’t go to the fair because the Knox Walks program kicked off Saturday morning – which meant I was up early and walked a little over 3 miles for that. Plus I went to the gym afterward for a more intense workout. Plus I had errands to run after that. Point is: non-stop action all day.

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I was so pissed when I forgot to wear the fitbit the next day and screwed up the count for what could have been my best week.
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I’m actually pretty excited about the walking thing this time around. Jon volunteered to lead one of the walk locations (there are 4 or 5 weekly group walks happening different days in different parts of town) + I’m backup for his travel weeks – so it should be fun. I’m hoping to be able to accommodate varying levels of walkers since there are 2 of us. I’ve been told that somebody dropped out of the program last time because she couldn’t keep up with her group – and I’ve been bugged by that. I get the sense that there’s this idea amongst the main organizers that it’s just walking (i.e., vs. running – everybody can walk, can keep up, etc.). People who’ve never been there just don’t get it – but I have no excuse – so I’m hoping that won’t happen this time around (in our group, at least).

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Jon spent a bunch of time grilling over the weekend, so our refrigerator is full of stuff for the week. We’ve got the meal planning + weekly prep situation DOWN. I’m really glad we still consistently plan ahead + schedule time + make an effort.

Lunch while he had The Egg going:

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He also made banana “ice cream” since we came home with a ton of leftover bananas from the Knox Walks thing. He didn’t use a recipe, but a quick google search reveals many.

This one is 2 frozen bananas + a few T of almond butter + a little vanilla + a few squares of an 88% chocolate bar – split 3 ways. We still have many frozen bananas so I see lots of this in my future.

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He (and his child #4) also made some homemade banana + walnut + pecan bread.

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SO GOOD. I ate the final pieces at both breakfast and lunch yesterday and am now scheming for more.

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