The past couple of weeks? Awful. No distinctly specific reason – and not constantly. Intermittent awfulness.

I have been seriously stressed about my job situation. The one I mentioned earlier? I knew within the first day or so that it wasn’t right for me. Really, I knew at the interview. I should have known better than to accept a job that I was disappointed to be offered. I felt compelled to accept because … I just did. Who turns down perfectly acceptable job offers when there’s nothing else on the horizon?

I went to the initial training and then turned it down (uh, quit, I guess) after spending some time agonizing over it (before the job really started) and making myself crazy. Then I turned down a different position they offered as I was resigning. Then I turned down another job that would’ve required a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to do.

I KNOW.

I know very well how lucky I am to have had several job opportunities. Trust me. BUT. This whole job thing has been incredibly stressful and crazy-making for so many reasons. On one hand – really – who the hell am I to turn down perfectly acceptable jobs when I’m unemployed and contributing nothing (monetarily) to our household. OTO, I’ve been just arrogant enough to believe that something better – more appropriate for me and my training – would come along.

And I was right. I got the job I wanted all along – the very first job I applied for when I returned to Knoxville – one I had been hoping/wishing/holding out for all these months.

I will be making less money than I would have made at any of the other positions that were offered and the commute is WAY longer – but I am THRILLED.
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I’m glad it finally worked out because I am SO ready to move forward. The stress of the uncertainty of the past few months (job AND cancer related) has been killing me. My stomach hurts just about constantly.

I haven’t weighed myself since the last time I mentioned it here (and was the same as always), but my clothes all fit the same.

I’m still meeting with the trainer, but that’s about it re: exercise. I know VERY WELL that I would probably feel better if I’d make the effort to go to the gym each day, but somehow it has seemed easier/more beneficial to sit around in despair.

I’ve been semi ok with the food, but I think we’re currently on meal 4 or 5 in a row in restaurants. I’ve been meeting Jon for lunch while I still can – and we’ve been going on a lot of “dates” at night lately.

I have resisted dieting/calorie counting/crazy food restriction – my go-to way to feel in control – and I’m trying like hell to resist succumbing completely to my spinning world, too. The balance is a constant work in progress.

I feel fat/uncomfortable/miserable despite rationally knowing nothing (or very little) has changed weight-wise – and I HATE it. Hopefully the spinning is coming to an end.
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I’ve taken some pictures here and there.

Last weekend, we went to Memphis(ish) to see my family. On Saturday, my mom hosted a lunch with her family + dinner with my dad/step-mother and his family since the 6 hour drive means I had just one day to spend with everyone. It’s SO much easier to do it all in one place vs. spending the weekend hopping from house to house. My mom is kind.

My breakfast that morning indicates I was feeling poorly. Oatmeal = stomach soothing food.

She (and I) made pimento cheese, chicken salad and egg salad + I put together a couple of trays of meat + cheeses.

I tried to minimize my bread consumption – but had to eat SOME.

She had a bunch of stuff out to make salads, but she totally erased any positive benefit by making these things:

That’s a club cracker + bacon + brown sugar (baked).

I had a couple of mimosas, too.

Not pictured = chocolate pie + coconut cake.

Dinner was similar except we picked up a few pizzas, too. I didn’t eat because of the stomach hurting constantly/stress thing. Fun day, though.

The next morning, Jon made French toast with leftover (panettone & sourdough) bread ….

… since we just happened to have this in the car (a gift to Jon from a work-related person):

Lunch during the ride home:

Dinner = pepto bismol from some drug store in the middle of nowhere.

Other stuff that’s happened this week:

Last night we tried a new (to us) place that’s supposed to offer healthy stuff. I think we chose the wrong things (or – more likely – just TOO MUCH) because I left feeling like I was entering a coma.

(pad thai bowl)

(firecracker shrimp)

Today’s lunch:

Dinner tonight? Probably pepto bismol.
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I figured out what bran buds are.

I almost did the amazon Subscribe & Save thing – but I think we’re going to have to find an option that doesn’t have an ingredient list a mile long with sugar at #2 and HFCS at #4.

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