I just about immediately started down the pity party path this morning.
I was initially irritated with the dog because he started aggressively whining half a second after I woke up. (I’m not heartless. He doesn’t NEED to go out that early and I know it. He saunters around and takes his time, trust me. He just quickly learned that awake = a walk … and he LOVES to go for a walk. In TN, we often had to FORCE him to go outside (to the backyard) before we’d leave for work because he was too lazy to get out of bed. Now? I swear he can hear my eyes open.)
THEN, I started stressing about tomorrow. (I function on adrenaline several times a week because of the nature of a facility I spend time in – it is still seriously anxiety provoking).
THEN, I started stressing about a conference I’m going to next month. (Which is ridiculous, I know.) (But I will have to fly across the country and then talk and pretend like I might know something – or at least keep up – and I’m nothing if not eager to start worrying well ahead of time.)
THEN, I started counting the days until Jon will be here and started feeling sad that I won’t be with him on his birthday. (Have I mentioned the constant separation part SUCKS?)
THEN, I started thinking about all of the stuff I need to read and write and finish and about how badly I’ve been procrastinating re: some things.
THEN, I started thinking about how I should just go buy a cake to celebrate Jon’s birthday, anyway, and eat the whole fucking thing. (And I seriously got a little excited that a whole new day was starting solely because it meant a whole new day of food. Old habits die hard, for sure.)
THEN, I decided that today would be a good day.
I made the effort to stop some of the stress and to acknowledge that I make things worse by allowing myself to let things snowball. I talked to Jon multiple times. I emailed back and forth with a friend I haven’t heard from in a while. I texted a few people. I skyped with my dad. I chose not to sit around avoiding contact with people (which is my way) and wallowing in my misery. I didn’t buy a cake. Surprisingly (or not) – I’m not quite so miserable tonight.
So – baby steps out of this crazy mood is the way to go, I guess.
The procrastination, though? I kept that up. I’m a pro. Today’s technique: dog torture.
I gave him a bath and then tried on a sweater and some snow boots we’ve had for a while but have never used. I’m thinking he’s in for a rude awakening when he starts needing these things. Knowing him as I do, I predict the early morning whining will end.
The food didn’t really improve.
(Lunch – microwaved, because I’m all about 1 minute meals.)
I did opt for an orange over ice cream, so – uhhh – there’s that.
(Dinner – rye + swiss + turkey + tomato + mayo)
On the exercise side of things – I added some new songs to my ipod in an effort to make it feel less like drudgery. I swear once I start the pity party EVERYTHING goes to hell – including things I really love.
Sometimes I think I might be totally insane to share so much of my craziness in a not-so-anonymous way, but what the hell? I am who I am. This whole weight loss situation has been a struggle and I’m thinking it would be totally insane to ignore and deny the anxiety I’m feeling about everything right now. Weight loss/maintenance/stability is SO not just about food and exercise for me. It’s about stress and anxiety and flawed coping and bad habits and sometimes feeling depressed and sometimes struggling and sometimes really wanting to escape reality. I guess I could pretend that the success I’ve had stems solely from measuring/changing food/exercising – and that’s a large part, for sure – but it’s SO MUCH MORE than that. I know that now – and I’m prepared.