Well, in keeping with my general food/exercise wishy-washyness, we’ve decided to stop going to the CrossFit gym here (in MI). I have several reasons – but it largely boils down to one thing: it’s fucking expensive. Like, seriously. Like, our combined monthly membership would’ve been more than I pay for my car. I knew that going in since we’re not brand new to it (though learned that it’s more expensive here) – but it very quickly became hard to justify such a large chunk of money when the reality of trying to maintain two different households in two different states hit. I’m perfectly willing to pay to maintain good health – but for now – paying for CrossFit would’ve meant ramen for every meal … and that just doesn’t seem rational.

We’re both disappointed, but Jon will be able to continue in TN when he’s there – and we’re going to try to keep it up on our own using the workout the TN location posts on their website each day + the free fitness area we have available to us (with modifications if we can figure them out, of course, since that fitness area doesn’t quite resemble a CF gym). If I’m being totally honest – I’m worried that I will struggle because I SO need the motivation that comes from peer pressure (or an obligation to keep an appointment) to push myself. I’m not worried that I’ll completely stop exercising, but I’m worried that I’ll flounder as I did when I stopped with the trainer.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this – and doubt that I have because I generally don’t like to discuss WLS for fear that I’ll offend someone – but here’s the situation: There are two very distinct things that pushed me to start exercising/to clean up my diet/to lose weight. 1) I was horrified that I couldn’t walk around my hilly campus without dying and was disturbed that I was feeling the effects of obesity at such a young age, which led to 2) attending a weight loss surgery seminar/info session where I began the initial steps leading to surgery.

I obviously didn’t go through with the surgery, but I truly believe that seminar was the turning point. I was desperate and it seriously pissed me off to think I couldn’t do it on my own. That anger at feeling like I needed to take such drastic measures to get my life under control gave me motivation unlike any I’d EVER had.

I overheard some women at the seminar talking about second mortgages and borrowing money from various family members to pay the surgery costs – and I thought about how much money I’d have to invest (since my insurance didn’t cover it) – and I heard people talking about how they’d spent 7 and 8 months fighting with their insurance companies – and I read all the boards and discussions about people struggling to work out their eating issues despite the surgery and puking all the time and dying and never being able to eat certain things – and I thought FUCK THIS.

I knew I needed to work on the mental/emotional aspect of eating, but I didn’t want the associated financial or medical drama. I needed to figure out how to get my food/emotional eating under control without that sort of crutch (or tool or whatever you want to call it) – for myself. I just needed to win the eating battle completely on my own for reasons that I still don’t fully understand.

Point is – I know I didn’t do the whole thing completely on my own. I just chose a different crutch and invested my money in a personal trainer and gyms and and lately, CrossFit. Today, I’m feeling sort of like I did after that seminar, though – like I HAVE to figure out how to be successful at the exercise half of the situation without a crutch – like I need to prove that I CAN do it on my own – like it’s ridiculous that I contemplated some drastic financial measures yesterday just to be able to continue paying large sums of money for a gym.

It’s 11:40a and I haven’t eaten yet today, but I have pictures from yesterday that I never got around to posting because we were in deep discussion about money and goals and life and gyms and food and disappointment and choices.

Breakfast = standard. A little bit of yogurt + fruit, eggs and bacon.

Lunch was quick and easy because we were busy catching up on everything that we put on hold while we were gone last week. I had a frozen Amy’s enchilada + black bean + corn thing.

Jon cooked dinner – a pot of chicken, peppers, onion, mushrooms, kalamata olive tapenade, tomatoes, garlic, red wine, spices of some kind and likely other things I’m forgetting. We contemplated buying rice or noodles since this was sauceish, but decided to forgo additional carbs and eat it as-is (as a stew of some sort, I guess?) with a loaf of bread he picked up.

We’re eating at our dining room table on a regular basis now, but only because this place is so tiny we can still watch tv while we eat – which I think is TOTALLY awesome multi-tasking.

I’m thinking it’s probably a tad obsessive to start a spreadsheet for the upcoming season, huh? Problem is, the cable DVR holds WAY less than our previous one and god forbid we prioritize inappropriately and miss something important.