I’ve noticed lately that random people in my life (or vicinity) are seemingly comfortable expressing feelings about “fat people” … or, at the very least, classifying. As in: “oh, I’m talking about the fat (eye-roll) one.” Or: “Why would he want to be with HER? She’s HUGE (the “I’m more worthy because I’m thin/pretty” being implied, of course).” Etc.

This is a relatively new phenomenon for me – and one that’s bothersome because I don’t know how to handle it. This behavior is accepted, right? This is happening in open conversation and is not apologized for or justified or any of that other stuff that people do to make themselves feel better about hate talk. Racism, homophobia – I know how to handle that in most realms of my life. This? I don’t know.

I feel like I don’t know how to advocate (when appropriate) for my own population. Or something. I recognize that it’s a deep issue – one that the person doing the talking has probably held for a long time and one that is generally embraced – so … what? I say nothing?

I’m inclined to think that known people are ok to express their thoughts and feelings NOW because they no longer view me as “fat” … but … really? I’m not sure what to think about that. I buy smaller clothes and see a different person when I look at pictures, but – mentally – I am very much (happily) the same (fat) person. My appearance changed – not my personality/beliefs/feelings, right?

I seriously have to stop and try to figure out if the new people in my life (who may or may not be associated with me because of work) are ok to rant about “fat bitches” because they don’t know my background and don’t necessarily perceive me as “fat” – OR – (and most importantly) if they’re actually trying to tell me something – trying to convey a message. Because I just don’t know! Am I fat? Or maybe they just don’t care and I’m an object to bitch at and I’m over-thinking it? Whatever the case, I’ve never had to think too much about this before and I’m becoming increasingly/alarmingly aware that disparaging comments re: weight are pretty common in everyday and otherwise innocuous conversation.

I’m not so naive as to believe the thoughts/comments didn’t exist before. They’ve been hurled at me as insults – but that’s totally different. It just seems as if I’m being perceived as being on a different team now – a team I want no part of.

It takes me by surprise each and every time.
________________________________________

I was in a huge hurry when I got home from CF this morning because I had to iron and make coffee and make breakfast and otherwise do all the things that my sweet and super early rising husband usually takes care of before I even wake up. So, fastest breakfast I could come up with:

I forgot to take a picture, but I ate 1/4c yogurt and about 1/4c blueberries sometime mid-morning. I think snack-time is ending, though. I’m fucking killing myself with the working out (or so it often feels in the moment), but my weight is stubbornly holding steady. So … no more yogurt. I can do it. I think it’s more habit than anything else.

Lunch was a compromise. I’ve been trying to eliminate the burritos because they seem to make my stomach hurt – and haven’t had one in a while – but I had zero time to do anything more than throw this in my bag. I threw 1/2 an avocado and some sour cream in to jazz it up a little, too, and hoped for the best.

I had a few almonds sometime late afternoonish.

Dinner was very simple. Bread + provolone + 2 fried eggs.


________________________________________

I measured and counted today. The above = roughly 1,510 calories (counting 2 servings of almonds – which I doubt I ate – but I didn’t measure). I’m done, though. The burrito did, in fact, kill my stomach earlier today.

Advertisements