I woke up this morning and was very clearly aware that I had been right in the middle of a dream. It featured Hostess chocolate cupcakes – the 2-pack kind you’d buy at a gas station with the white stuff in the middle and the white swirly thing on top. I had a container of them and was using a fork to smash one to mix the white stuff with the cake part because I knew the cake part would be too dry.

I haven’t eaten one of those things in years. I don’t even like them (and my dream knew it and so kindly tried to make it better), though (in the past) I wouldn’t have turned down a free one.

The result? I’ve had cupcakes on my mind all day. Good cupcakes. Real cupcakes.

Damn brain.

But there’s more – I was standing on my deck doing my cupcake thing when I noticed a hawk scooping up a cat from my backyard. By the time I realized what was going on, I couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch the hawk fly away with the cat, who was squealing and squirming and freaking out. The helplessness I felt was absolutely horrifying.

I probably don’t want to explore what this random cupcake/cat death dream potentially means (largely because I’m not sure I fully subscribe to the theory that it means anything AT ALL), but I see a connection. If I wanted to see a connection.
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about mental strength, so I guess the dream shouldn’t be a surprise.

Put myself in a restaurant? I stop caring about weight loss and goals. Have a box of cereal in my house? I’ll eat it every night. Right now, I can pretty clearly say that I don’t want nachos and ice cream for dinner tomorrow. 18 hours from now? I honestly don’t know.

It took a lot of work to stop the eat –> guilt cycle that used to follow the restaurant choices and the cereal and the nachos. Right now, I can fairly easily talk myself out of the cycle – as in, I tell myself (and really do recognize) that I’ve chosen to eat x,y,z so it’s ridiculous to feel mad/bad/guilty later.

I’m not sure that’s the correct way to go about doing things anymore, though. I think feeling some of the mad/bad/guilt at least somewhat prevented me from making numerous “bad” choices.

Instead of making better choices to AVOID the mad/bad/guilty cycle completely – as I should be doing – I’ve been manipulating the cycle to make myself feel better. I’ve gotten pretty good at not beating myself up – so it’s easier to make “bad” choices because it’s a choice and I shouldn’t beat myself up tralalalala – but should I have started that? Shouldn’t I beat myself up a little? There ARE “bad” choices for someone who has been 100 pounds overweight.

Seems to me that the acceptance of the junk and the ability to not feel guilt later might be totally screwing me. Seems like I’ve put a lot of effort into learning how to peacefully “move on” after eating nachos and ice cream … and not so much effort into just avoiding the shit and avoiding having to think about the cycle AT ALL.
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I bought this tiny bracelet yesterday in hopes that it will serve as a physical reminder to quit giving in and being all kumbaya about it. Kind of hokey, but I’m willing to try it.


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I had eggs for breakfast. See all the grease on the plate? That’s the butter leftover from Jon’s eggs. I’ve asked him to cook mine in his leftover butter because he uses a TON.

I had just a few spoons of yogurt left this morning, so I packed that and ate it around 10am.

Lunch was a salad with some deli turkey and ginger dressing.

Except not the carrot/ginger dressing I bought last week – a new one. One I LOVE.

I had a banana around 2.

And had a snack when I got home from work because I was starving – prunes and a pickle.

Dinner was leftover lasagna. Jon took this to work to get it out of the house but nobody offered to take it – so he brought it back home. I’m glad. We were too lazy to even open a can of something green.

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