I’ve been weighing myself every day since the last week or so of May and have seen no true change. I gained 5 pounds when we went to North Dakota, but that was gone within a few days and I went right back to weighing the exact same thing every day. A pizza + ice cream dinner used to cause at least a minor upward blip. Now? Nothing. Yes, I’m maintaining and I’m very happy about that and am working on not discounting that, but damn. I have been at the same weight for months. I’m ready to move on and see some sort of change.

Or so I say. And have said multiple times.

I’ve been thinking a lot about food today, about the last two years, about how I should go forward, about whether I’ve REALLY been honest with myself lately, and about what’s motivating my actions.

I feel like I’m at a complete loss – in unknown territory – without a clue how to go forward. It would be unfair to say that losing 80-something pounds was easy, but it was definitely less challenging than my current predicament. My way of eating has progressed fairly easily through several stages. I’m not sure where to go now, though, or where to end the progression.

In the beginning, I was eating a bunch of shit – big shock, right? – so I lost weight pretty quickly when I eliminated things like fast food, coke, etc. The next step involved relying very heavily on Lean Cuisines, pretzels, cereal, bread, etc. – something that is very common with every WWer I’ve ever encountered – but I was losing, so I was happy. I switched to the primal way because it’s Jon’s preferred way of eating and was fully on board with it until my weight loss radically slowed – most likely due to loosening the restriction on calories. Then, I tried combining the two, which was a nightmare because WW’s fat restriction doesn’t really jive with the primal way. THEN (most recently), I tried WW again and declared it to be the BEST and ONLY way I could do it – just to determine that I can’t hack it without fairly dramatically increasing processed stuff, a compromise I’m not really willing to make.

I don’t know what I’m doing on any given day. It probably shouldn’t be a surprise that my body is in limbo waiting for me to figure it out. I’m not consistent with anything right now – and I’m just not as committed as I should be.

Mark’s 17 Reasons You’re Not Losing Weight:

1. You think you’re eating healthy, but aren’t.

I know I have a lot of room for improvement. I eat in restaurants too often and often choose really inappropriate things. Realistically, it goes beyond fun or treats or whatever. It’s becoming too common. I eat ice cream at least once a week even though I think I’m lactose intolerant. I love sugar. I give in too easily.

2. You’re under too much stress.

Yes. Definitely. I live a very charmed and happy life, but there is stress. For sure. I used to cope with food. I used to smoke. I’m still learning.

3. You need to watch your carb intake.

Uh, yeah … without a doubt. Skipping fruit, though? That’s a compromise I don’t know that I can fully make. I eat and like a LOT of fruit and I have a hard time reconciling that I shouldn’t.

4. You’re adding muscle.

If anything, I’m losing it. I feel flabbier and flabbier as time goes by. I’m actively working on changing this.

5. You’re not active enough.

We’re pretty active, but not as much as we could be. I’ve noticed that we’ve stopped choosing the gym on Saturday mornings and have substituted it with … I’m not really sure. Sitting around? We don’t do pilates twice a week. We rarely take randoms walk.

6. You’re lapsing into Chronic Cardio.

I was heading that way, for sure.

7. You still haven’t tried Intermittent Fasting.

I doubt this will ever be a part of my life because I wish to sustain my marriage. I become VERY grumpy when hungry. Past grumpy, actually – more like homicidal. I skip breakfast sometimes – and have skipped lunch – but I don’t know that I’m willing to knowingly skip a meal and starve. Naturally feel like skipping? Sure.

8. You’re eating too much.

Well, yeah. That’s an understatement. This is likely the primary problem.

9. You haven’t overcome bad habits or developed good ones.

I’ve overcome lots of bad habits and have developed some very good ones. I have work to do, but I’m not going to discount the changes that led to the bulk of my weight loss.

The main bad habit – if you can call it that – is lack of care when I’m not eating at home. I’m fine at home. Anywhere else? I’ll choose high calorie/junk items every single time … and will want to continue it with ice cream or other “fun” treats.

I’ve got the identification part of it mostly down – I know the restaurants are a problem. I can do the planning part – I just haven’t been doing it. Publication? I don’t know. I publicize all sorts of things that I don’t stick to. I have no problem losing face.

A start, anyway – tonight’s dinner. We were tired and wanted to go out. Jon suggested the Mexican place we can walk to it, but I wanted something that wouldn’t trigger a desire to eat until I feel sick. Instead, we went to a vegetarian place near us and split a hummus appetizer, a cashew paté wrap, potato salad and herbed sugar snap peas. Appropriate portions, appropriate food. More protein would’ve been better, but it was the best/healthiest option given we didn’t want to go far from home.

10. You haven’t purged and Primalized your pantry.

I think we’re ok here. We should probably work harder on not bringing junkier stuff into the house for other people, but – as I’ve said – it’s the frequent eating away from home that’s the problem.

11. You’ve reached a healthy homeostasis.

No. My body has reached a homeostasis of sorts, I guess, but it’s not the healthiest. It’s not where I want to end up, anyway.

12. You’re low on willpower.

Yes, but I’m working on it.

13. You’re full of excuses.

Always. One positive here is I’m usually aware that I’m making excuses – and I’m not offended to be called on it, either.

14. You haven’t actually gone Primal!

Well, I HAVE. Not lately.

15. You’re not getting enough sleep.

This has never been a problem for me. I sleep at least 8 hours every night. My body revolts without it.

16. You haven’t given it enough time.

Well, plenty of time has passed. Consistency is probably key here.

17. You’re eating too much dairy.

Maybe. This is another one of those compromises that I’m not sure about. I really love yogurt. And ice cream. And cheese. Mostly in that order.

SO. I don’t know.