So … The Biggest Loser. I have a love/hate relationship with it, for sure, but I just can’t NOT watch it. It’s taken 3 tries – mostly because we’re generally busy at night and other things take priority (like sleeping) – but I finally made it through the first show of the new season.

1) I have issues. I relate so much it’s almost hard to watch. I cry during every show because I so vividly remember how daunting and scary and insurmountable it all (still, sometimes) feels.

2) I don’t relate to/understand the “I’ve never been loved/I’m unlovable” part. I feel a little irritated (at the world, I guess) when I encounter low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness re: weight. I think I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder about it, actually – and I’m ok with that. Actively disparage someone because of their weight/size/appearance (or anything else, really) and I’m going to think you’re a pretty shallow/unintelligent/uncaring person – and think that the issue is probably really YOURS. Say you’ve never been loved because of your body shape and I’m going to think you don’t love yourself.

3) They suck for sending those teams home on the first night – all the hope and happiness they had. I know it’s a game/tv show, but I could see the disappointment those people were feeling and it sucked.

4) Jon doesn’t like the show because he thinks it’s degrading and too dramatic. I agree somewhat on the degrading part – and wholeheartedly on the drama part – but I would’ve been there in a flash when I weighed what some of these people weigh. Having the ability to focus on nothing but exercise and weight loss? I’d be there now if I could.

5) They stage their product promotions incredibly ridiculously. I see them coming a mile away and start fast forwarding before they even have a sentence out. You’d think they’d shake it up a little and at least attempt some trickery.

6) I love Jillian. I like the screaming and the pushing and the angst. I know everybody has their own way of doing things/responding to things – and I know I would’ve died had I had to endure that kind of drama when I started. Now? I wish Jon would scream at me a little when we do the jogging thing. I sometimes need that kind of motivation.

7) Just realized this week off has me not just scrubbing the floors (grout) with a toothbrush, but analyzing tv shows, too. Good god I’m bored.

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I did week 2, workout 2 of the C25K plan at the track at the gym last night. It was FREEZING outside, but I regretted (again) going to the gym. Unless there’s a blizzard or some other natural disaster, I’m going to be doing this jogging thing outside from now on.

There’s just something weird/wrong about running in circles with no destination. Easier to want to quit. Can’t really quit when I’m on the other side of my neighborhood – and I’m more motivated to go faster when it’s dark and cold and I want to be home already and I have no choice.

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I’m really glad to be back to normal food-wise. My stomach and body revolt when I eat a bunch of crap – I know that, but I do it anyway. I’d like to say NO MORE, but I’m not stupid.

This week has been typical.

Yesterday I had a little bit of leftover (turkey) chili and fruit/yogurt for breakfast. I’ve been buying the individual yogurts because my chain store stopped selling the large ones and the co-op I go to never has any large ones that aren’t about to expire …. so I split them in half and get two days out of one small container. I added some walnuts and blueberries to yesterday’s half.

Lunch = a salad with broccoli, cucumbers and sunflower seeds + cheese + apricots + tea a little later.

Dinner happened when we got home from the gym and I was STARVING to death. Jon made some kind of liquid to put on top of grouper before it baked out of butter, a lime and soy sauce – and cooked the bok choy in the same stuff. I think he found the recipe on the back of the (frozen) grouper container. I’m not a huge fan of baked fish, but it was good. Very fast, too.

I’m counting points again, so I’m starving pretty much all the time. I don’t think that’s a consequence of the points, but a consequence of my mind and body being accustomed to eating whatever it wants. Intuitive eating works out (for the most part) maintenance-wise, but doesn’t work – FOR ME – for weight loss at all.

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I’m weighing tomorrow. I’m guessing 190 based on how I feel, but I won’t be surprised if it’s a little higher. I honestly have no idea and I’m ok with that.

I’m planning to try to consistently weigh every week and update. Ignoring the scale – FOR ME – leads to a lack of focus.

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