We woke up early this morning to attempt to see the sun rise – very cloudy, unfortunately – so we hung out just a short time before going to breakfast.

I think I have lost my damn mind.

Lunch was ok, except I haven’t had unnatural (? something other than natural) peanut butter in ages and I’m not sure I like it anymore. Just had a texture I’m not used to. It’s all my mom had – beggars can’t be choosers, I guess.

I ate a small snack to try to keep myself from finishing off the m&m’s.

(marginally successful)

Dinner came in a box again (quizno’s this time).

I’ve never eaten the bread before – TOTALLY wasn’t worth it.

My mom picked the dinner up – and picked up some cookies. My share:

I don’t regret any of it. I can’t. I’m sick of the choosing crap and then bitching about it cycle. It is what it is – a choice. Period. I am apparently not quite capable of continuing self-control while out of my normal environment. Or maybe I strive for unrealistic perfection? I don’t know. I just know I’d like to someday find peace with food. Seems so stupid, yet so real for me.

This has been a highly emotional day. My flight leaves tomorrow at 7AM, so I have no idea why I’m still awake – except I just can’t sleep. It’s been very hard for me to see all of my mom’s stuff – her home – HERE. I’ve stopped and looked at scrapbooks and old pictures she’s had hanging on walls since I was a child and knick knack stuff we’ve given her for holidays, etc … and I’m just having a hard time.

I happened to scroll through some of the older pictures on her camera and ran across lots of pictures taken at her TN house and I suddenly experienced sadness I had no idea I’d experience. I’m happy she’s moving here (and HAS moved here for the most part) – for her – but I already miss her house, my former home, the parties she’s had, the holidays, the flower beds I helped her plant, the numerous trips I’ve taken to visit, the memories I have. I really just can’t imagine NOT going back there.

I guess I’ve been pretending this is all a dream … until reality hit today when the last box was unpacked and the last picture was hung and I had no choice but to face the fact that she’s here whether I like it or not.

Her home is here – this unfamiliar place I’ll never be able to share with her – and I just don’t know how I’m going to get over that.

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