I don’t have anything much going on today, so I’ve been reading some new (to me) weight loss/fitness related blogs. Definitely interesting, but somewhere along the way I started to get pissed. The whole weight loss process is just exhausting … and it’s exhausting to read over and over and over again about lapses, perceived failures, renewed commitments and new successes. I might just be overly cranky this morning, but I swear at one point I started thinking “just effing do it already and quit spending so much time thinking about it!” when reading some blog I stumbled across that pretty accurately portrayed the lapse -> failure -> renewed commitment -> success -> lapse cycle. It just pissed me off and made me want to scream at the person to JUST DO IT ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH.

The thing is … It’s ME that I’m frustrated with. I’ve been going through the same cycle for the past year and a half and I’m tired of myself. Yes, my weight has been trending downward for that year and a half, but it’s happening slowly. Very slowly. I lose focus and eat crap for a couple of weeks at a time, or go on vacations and come back 8 lbs heavier, or sit around moping instead of going to the gym. Then it swings back around and I make healthier choices, make it to the gym more often, work harder, etc. Then … the cheat meals start ramping up again. Over and over.

The past 5 months have been … ok … I guess? I’ve lost either 14 (prior to vacation) or 6 (after vacation) lbs depending upon which week’s weight I go by (because I refuse to believe that I gained 8 solid lbs in a week). Definitely not optimal, but at least going in the right direction. I have consistently exercised, made more healthy choices than not and have been aware of the need to keep losing, but I also became pretty comfortable somewhere along the way. At one point, I actually thought it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I stayed right where I am: overweight, but comfortable and healthy (for now).

Staying at this weight makes me a quitter, though. A settler. Do I really want to give up and quit just because I reached one small goal and am comfortable? Am I really happy at this weight, or am I just settling because I’m tired of working so hard and dealing with the emotional BS that accompanies all of this? Am I just giving in because it’s easier to unconsciously eat?

I chose to start the weight loss cycle because I felt that my health was being compromised by my obesity. I knowingly chose to introduce the insanity of the cyclic perceived failures and sometimes false successes. I chose to make an effort to obtain a healthier life and lifestyle. I feel frustrated trying to decide whether counting points/calories is better than learning how to eat on my own, but I chose to start that. I have lively “debates” with my husband about our low-carb/low-grain diet and my love for all things carb/grain, but I chose that, too. I effing exhaust myself with my constant cyclic ways and am even sick of the conversations I have with Jon about how we just need to DO IT and get it over with, but … guess what? … chose it.

I need to suck it up and see it through. I made a choice to create a new life … quitting halfway there would be completely ridiculous.

I WILL make it. I NEED to make it. I’m just hoping I don’t hate myself by the time I get there.

It really shouldn’t be this hard.

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