So … things haven’t been going well. I had a great week last week. I felt like I was in control and was exercising enough and was enjoying it all. This week? Eh.

The weekend was good and bad. Good because I got to see my family and spend time with everyone. Bad because we were there to attend a going away party for my youngest brother – the little baby/boy/man who has had such a profound impact on my life that I’ve been a crying mess for weeks just thinking about him leaving. I realize that I chose the same new life/new state route he has chosen and I realize that I’ve been going months without seeing him for several years now … when I’m thinking rationally. The thing is – HE was supposed to stay in Memphis, not leave. Everyone is supposed to remain as I left them, you see.

Change causes crazy things to happen to me. A change as large as a brother starting a new life in a new place is enough to send me into a fairly depressed mood that’s hard to pull out of.

As Jon mentioned, we ate at restaurants throughout the entire weekend. I tried to make decent choices, but it snowballed out of control and I ended up eating with zero regard for moderation. I succeeded at just one meal – ordered Raisin Bran and fruit instead of a huge breakfast. I don’t think I ate quite as much as I could have, in general, but everything was brown and/or fried and/or covered with cheese. I very seriously could not wait to get back home and eat normally.

I haven’t had much motivation since we got home, which hasn’t been helped by the cold/sinus issues I came home with. I sat around on Monday and chose not to go to the gym, even though I planned to. I ate well and within limits, but lost it towards the end of the night and ended up eating the remaining pieces of chocolate I had left from the holidays, then made some nachos, THEN ate an entire bag of popcorn. I noticed at some point that I just wanted to eat … anything. I know I use food to make myself feel better, but I’ve never actually stopped to think about what that means as I’m actually doing it. It’s really just not acceptable. I know better and I should be strong enough to stop it. And I was. And maybe I will be in the future.

I made it to pilates yesterday, but I was a mess from being tired (all day classes), having a pounding headache, a sore throat and a stomachache from days of junk. I’m honestly quite surprised I had the willpower to go, but I did. I wanted it. I very strongly recognize that exercise is essential for my mental and physical well-being and I was missing it. I’m sure not exercising all weekend led to some of the bad food choices and general crappy feeling/lack of motivation. I have GOT to start running so I can run with Jon when we travel.

I woke up this morning without a sore throat and with just a slight headache … and with a lot more motivation. I met with the trainer and ran some errands and actually showered before noon, so it’s turning out to be a pretty good day. I hate that one bad/good weekend can throw me off track so much, but it happens sometimes. I’m learning to roll with it. Maybe I’ll stop crying soon.

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