Well, Thanksgiving is over.  We had a great time visiting my family, but I had one hell of a food binge.  I was sick by Friday night and had to take meds to make it through Saturday night without throwing up.  We had the traditional Thanksgiving stuff (x2), but there was also pizza, chinese, nachos and too much pie.  I’m pretty sure I had nothing but buttermilk pie for breakfast one morning.

Honestly, I don’t regret it.  I spent four days indulging and wound up feeling miserable.  The holiday reminded me again why I’m doing what I’m doing.  It’s not just about weight loss.  It’s about simple quality of life.  Life sucks at 3am when death is preferable to heartburn.

Two things surprised me during the weekend:  (a) I started the I’ll-start-over cycle (b) I felt actual fear that I’d wake up 60 pounds heavier

I really can’t believe that I found myself falling into the I’ll-start-over trap.  I justified all the bad eating by telling myself that Monday (today) would be the day it would end.  I try really hard not to succumb to that kind of thinking, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised it happened.  It’s extremely easy to convince oneself that everything will be ok when starting over is on the table.  Problem is, I’m not starting over.  This is just life.  Sometimes I eat crap, sometimes I eat healthy stuff.  Sometimes I exercise, sometimes I play with puppies.  I don’t know why I told myself that this kind of thinking is ok.

Who knows where the weight gain fear came from, either?  I realistically know that I probably gained a few pounds, but I felt legitimate fear that my clothes would suddenly not fit and that I’d come home and be back where I started earlier in the year.  I am apparently more disconnected from my weight loss than I previously thought.  Or is it a control thing?  I think I felt out of control, which caused me to feel real fear that I’d wind up 60 pounds heavier … suddenly or not.

I made it to the gym today and I’ve also eaten appropriately all day.  I’m happy.  I feel good.  This is the life I want.

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