I have been a complete emotional mess today. I went through a range of emotions in a span of about 15 minutes that started with a great mood and ended at sobbing. It seems impossible to believe that my moods are so tumultuous right now for no good reason, but I have nothing to attribute the craziness to.

I was in a pretty good mood throughout my class this morning, but noticed that I was having a hard time motivating myself to make it through the half hour of cardio that I planned to do prior to meeting with my trainer. 3 minutes in and I was having to give myself a pep talk. 7 minutes in and I had decided to quit at 10. I never quit prior to completing what I plan, so I didn’t, but I wanted to. VERY badly. It wasn’t just cardio, though. I started watching the clock 15 minutes into my session with my trainer, which is something that just never happens.

I headed to a nearby store before going home and just happened to notice an older man sitting on the front porch of a house a few blocks from my own. Seeing him sitting there, just watching traffic … it shattered my morning. Thoughts of my grandfather flooded my mind and the sadness that I’ve felt throughout the years since his death was incredibly strong. I could see him sitting on his front porch, smiling, waiting for me to get out of my car and come sit with him. I could feel the love and happiness that he displayed so easily.

Then a song came on the radio that immediately took me to my youngest brother and the time years ago when we listened to this particular song over and over because it was his favorite … which pushed everything further downhill. I thought about both of my brothers and the paths they’re taking, my mom, my dad, my husband. I thought about how much I miss all of them and about how short life is. One day I could talk to my vibrant, full-of-life grandfather and the next he was just gone. Have I made the right decision moving away from my family? Is money really worth being away from my husband every week for weeks at a time?

I used to cope with food. Have a bad day? Eat a Big Mac. Feel sad? Pizza! I don’t know what to do anymore. It sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but I honestly don’t know how to feel sad and not seek food to make myself feel better.

The good news is I didn’t stop somewhere and buy a bunch of junk food to make myself feel better. The bad news is I didn’t stop because I’m just exhausted. I have GOT to remember to take the vitamins.

More good news: I’ve somehow managed to drop 5 pounds since last weekend. Being back at home, back in my routine and back to journaling my food has helped tremendously (a lot of that specific weight loss can be attributed to a reduction in general bloating since I’ve stopped eating crap, though). August has been a crazy month with 3 weekends of trips, a semester ending, a semester starting, a week of visiting family for me, my birthday and travel every single week for Jon. I’m honestly surprised that I have continued exercising and working on my eating habits because life has always gotten in the way before. Looks like this lifestyle IS my life now. I really couldn’t be happier about that.

Advertisements