So. 2012.

Not going so well.

I have a fear that this is becoming (or became – a long time ago) my place to bitch/whine/dump my BS – but so be it.

Here goes.
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My (paternal and only) grandmother died yesterday after becoming ill just before Christmas and spending almost 2 weeks in a medically induced coma.

I last saw her when we were in Memphis a few weeks ago and noticed that she didn’t look well, but had no idea she’d so rapidly decline. (Entered the hospital with pneumonia, a blood sugar spike to 540 – the primary concern, and uncontrollable seizures that never stopped.)

I’ve always had a very close relationship with my grandmother. She was a part of every major event of my life – and most of the minutia, too. I spent huge amounts of time at her house growing up. As an adult, I spent countless nights sitting at her kitchen table eating her unquestionably huge southern meals – and then sticking around to drink coffee into the night with my 24/7 coffee drinking insomniac grandfather.

She never really got past the grief associated with my grandfather’s death 6 years ago – something she mentioned almost every single week when I’d call. I sympathized. If I was closer to anyone else in my extended family – it was definitely him.

The family I knew as a child has been forever changed by their deaths, of course. Seems weird and a little unbelievable.

For various reasons, I chose not to be in town/at the hospital when she died – something that was planned since she had been artificially supported since just after entering the hospital.

I have a lifetime of great memories.

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The gastric emptying scan I had showed that my stomach empties too rapidly. At two hours, I had 19% of the food left in my stomach. “Normal” people generally have 30-60% left.

This situation (aka dumping syndrome – meaning food is being very quickly dumped to my small intestine without full digestion) is weird, because it’s mostly associated with gastric bypass surgery or other stomach surgeries – something I haven’t had. The doctor and I both anticipated that the opposite would be my problem – that we’d find my stomach emptying too slowly.

Also – he diagnosed Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I don’t know.

I don’t have the classic symptoms – but I had already sort of google-diagnosed myself with the same.

Here’s the thing: I’ve had stomach issues my entire life. Stress, nervousness, etc.? Sick. Always.

Lately, though, I haven’t been able to eat just about at all. That 177 weight I posted last week? The beginning of a pretty rapid decline in ability to eat anything but pepto-bismol.

Today?

This is the first time – in my life – that it’s gotten so bad that I’ve actually stopped eating and have lost weight. In case I haven’t driven home this point: I like to eat. I can easily eat to and throughout stomach discomfort.

The doctor asked if I’ve been under new/more stress lately.

HA. HAHAHAHA. Uh, yeah.

He prescribed Elavil – an old-school anti-depressant that is often used for IBS that should also slow down my stomach and help with the rapid emptying.

I called and cried and asked them to work me in to discuss the scan earlier than planned after a particularly painful day, so he’s probably going to think I’m completely nuts – but I’ve decided not to take it. For now.

I want to try to manage the stress better + figure out an eating plan before I resort to a pill that’s just going to mask the pain.

I know this latest flare-up will get better in time. They always do. The emotional swings from the whole genetic testing + grandmother dying + brand new job circumstance I have going on right now won’t last forever.

The upside to all of this is that I’m just over 2 pounds away from officially losing 100 pounds. Yay, I guess – though NOT EATING is not exactly how I wanted to achieve this.

Also, I’ve become pretty accustomed to drinking unsweetened smoothies (nothing beyond fruit, anyway) since liquids have been easier to tolerate – and am finding that I actually really like them.

This morning = carrot juice, blueberries, baby food pears, spinach, a small cucumber and a yellow squash.

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The first week of 2012 went pretty well re: the good health goals despite the stomach BS.

We’re prepared for another week.

And I’m determined to get my shit under control to stop the stomach revolt.

I forgot to mention the exercise component of the good health goal yesterday – largely, I think, because nothing much is changing.

The only change: a new schedule.

The ongoing plan is to get up at 4:30am to make it to the gym by 5 so I can be back home by 6 and on the way to work by 7.

5 days a week because it’s just easier to get into a consistent routine.

This means, of course, that I’ll be in bed each night by 9.

Today is going well. Wasn’t so bad + the gym was empty.

(It snowed!)

I’ll be meeting with the trainer at night – probably once or twice a week as usual – starting next week.

I’m having a hard time mustering the energy to look back at 2011 and reflect and all that. It wasn’t the best year – but it could have been much worse. I have many reasons to be thankful.

We’ve had a great holiday season – but I’m ready for the new year.

I love the energy of new starts.

Jon and I created our list of 2012 life, house and financial goals yesterday and roughly planned out our year – something most people think we’re crazy to do – but we’re planners.

2012 is exciting because life is stable now that I’m done with school and am starting the new job (!) tomorrow. It’s a year (finally!) that is easily planned.

I love the monotony of routines, too.
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My #1 goal for 2012: good health.

I’ve taken care of just about everything medically – including going to a cardiologist and gastroenterologist to try to determine why I faint so frequently (most recent: the morning of Jon’s surgery – in the shower, just after I woke up).

I feel tremendous amounts of stress every time I deal with the appointments, but I am trying very hard to be even more proactive about my health than I’ve been in recent previous years.

Cholesterol = fantastic. Blood sugar levels = “nice and low.” Blood pressure = consistently low/normal. Everything else = normal.

One of my last steps in ensuring I’m aware of everything of concern: spent almost 5 (miserable/starving/dehydrated/uncaffeinated) hours at a hospital having a gastric emptying study the other day.

(They pricked my finger several times to check my blood sugar – something that semi-convinced me to finally buy a meter and do it at home because it was so interesting. I started the morning (after fasting all night, obv) at 77, jumped to 84 after eating the eggs + piece of toast they gave me at 10:30am and then dropped to 70 by almost 3pm when the scans were done.)

I spent so many years tearing up/seriously neglecting my body that I sometimes feel as if I have a lot to make up for and correct – so I’m glad I’m getting this stuff taken care of.

(Plus there’s Jon cancer diagnosis. Can’t deny that it scared the shit out of me.)
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Weight-wise, I have a rough goal and would like to make it to 160 (at least) – but I have zero intention of making myself crazy over it.

Never thought I’d see the day that I would find dust on (and under) my scale, but it happened when I pulled it out from under the bed yesterday to weigh so that I could update my bio page.

Also interesting? This is the lowest weight I’ve seen.

I knew I hadn’t gained weight based on my clothes, etc. but was sort of surprised to see such a low number since I’ve done zero hardcore cardio the past few weeks + the holidays (+ cancer + Ireland + job stress, etc.).

I am seemingly doing very well with intuitive eating. Would seem crazy to rock the boat, huh?

For the first time EVER, I’m starting a year with peace about food, exercise and my health.

It’s nice.

The bio update:

I started 2008 at 272.
I started 2009 at 216.
I started 2010 at 192.
I started 2011 at 182.
I started 2012 at 177.5.
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Food-wise, Jon and I are keeping on with our general way of doing things.

He eats a mostly paleo diet that he’s intending to be more strict about, but I am planning to continue to eat whatever he cooks + eat yogurt and fruit and white potatoes and whatever else feels ok to me. He really wants me to go full-on paleo with him – and almost had me talked into another 30 day trial – but I am just not willing to bring diet thinking of any kind into my life.

Not worth it.

One new thing we’re doing pretty consistently these days = smoothies for breakfast for easily added fruit/vegetables to accompany our protein (eggs).

I make mine with fruit …

… and have been adding baby food here and there out of laziness (and have sometimes added a little bit of leftover holiday OJ for added sweetness).

… and prefer mine to be very thick and chunky.

Jon’s are primarily vegetable based. This one = spinach, cucumber, blueberries, bok choy & mango.

Today’s = 1/2 an avocado, handful of cherry tomatoes, carrot, beet greens, arugula, watercress, (homemade) chicken stock

It was ok once I got past the appearance.

One other new thing Jon’s doing:

He didn’t really convince me to start drinking this stuff with his “pond water” description.
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The only food related goals we’ve created re: good health = limiting restaurants to 6x/mo (that’s a pretty radical decrease that feels reasonable) + carving out time each weekend to make sure we’re prepared for the upcoming week since lack of preparation is our #1 downfall.

We’re at least starting out on the right foot.

Jon’s out riding his bike this morning + we’re planning to take a walk later this afternoon. Otherwise? We’re spending the day doing nothing (except finishing up season 1 of Downton Abbey … how did we just discover this?). Great end to the year/start of a new one.

Jon and I have had the weekend we intended to have: quiet, simple and spent at home.

His mom arrived for a short overnight visit on Friday, so we had breakfast yesterday morning (Christmas Eve) at a new (to us) place that we’ve been intending to try: The Plaid Apron.

I chose gingerbread pancakes …

… but I ended up splitting them for half of an omelette (filled with butternut squash and other seasonal things).

… and tasted some of Jon’s, too.

Everyone left around lunchtime after eating leftover chili from the night before – but I waited and had a simpler lunch.

(Though didn’t pass up the leftover pie.)

We took a short walk after lunch because it was a really nice day + I wanted to get some sort of exercise. I tested an app (MayMyRun) that I might start using once my heel heals – since I’m setting some goals (aka jumping on the resolutions bandwagon) for 2012.

The boot is a total pain in the ass, but it’s definitely helpful. 3 mi isn’t doable at this point, but I can’t walk normally – at all – without it.

The rest of the night?

(The flowers = one reason I live in the South, btw.)

We started a Star Wars marathon while we ate dinner – and spent the night hanging out on the couch.

I’ve mentioned he’s spoiled, right?

Can’t leave out the other one. He’s pretty spoiled/cute, too. (We’re dog-sitting while my mom spends the holiday in Key West – where my youngest brother lives.)

This morning, I woke up to Christmas music + Jon rolling out dough for cinnamon rolls.

I almost never start the day this way – and he most assuredly doesn’t – but I question that every year when he makes these.

Another once a year breakfast/childhood memory (for me) thing:

We’ve had a quiet morning – just the two of us – hanging out, opening gifts, playing with our new stuff, eating, drinking, playing video games and continuing the Star Wars marathon.

Lunch will probably include more of the same. Tonight, though, is a Chinese feast + movie with his kids – something we started doing several years ago.

Perfect weekend. I hope the same for everyone reading.

Jon’s oncologist referred him to a genetic counselor – so we met with her yesterday.

I had been looking forward to it, but wasn’t really sure what to expect since neither of us have any experience doing this sort of thing. The verdict: extremely interesting – and painless. She gathered thorough family and medical history stuff, gave a quick lesson (with pictures!) on genes, DNA, etc. and then jumped into genetic syndromes associated with colon cancer.

I hadn’t thought about this sort of thing until today when she explained it, but cancer is generally considered sporadic, familial or hereditary.
Sporadic: occurs by chance; typically no relatives with the same type of cancer.
Familial: likely caused by a combo of genetic and environmental risk factors; no patten; risk is not clearly passed from parent to child, but one or more relatives usually have the same type of cancer.
Hereditary (maybe 5-10% of cases): an altered/broken gene is passed down from parent to child.

Jon has zero family history of colon (or related – uterine, stomach, kidney, etc.) cancer (that we’re aware of), so it would seem that his tumor was just a freak thing (sporadic) – but his situation is considered “early onset” – and potentially aggressive – indications that something hereditary might be going on.

Lynch Syndrome (aka Hereditary Nonpolyposis Colorectal Cancer) is the mostly likely culprit given his early onset and lack of polyps (hence the nonpolyposis part – he had just one small polyp in addition to his tumor as opposed to 100′s – which apparently happens) – IF there is a hereditary culprit. She ran the numbers in whatever software she uses and determined that he has something like a 7.8% chance of having a hereditary mutation. Sounds low, but it’s generally not that low when you compare to the rate of men his age who present with colon cancer.

The risk of colorectal cancer if carrying a mutation? 82%
The general population risk? 2%

If Jon has a mutation, his kids and parents have a 50% chance of having the same mutation – and other relatives are obviously at risk.

So – we chose to go ahead with the initial phase of the testing (all of which is currently (meaning until Jan 1 – we have a high-deductible health plan/HSA that will be starting over) covered 100% by our insurance because of Jon’s risk – thankfully – because it could wind up in the $5k range). (We asked if someone – like me, for example – could come in and be tested for ALL genetic issues and were told that it would likely be $10k+ … and insurance plans won’t cover unless there is identified risk. Plus there are the emotional implications, etc.)

Should Jon have a mutation, we’ll have a lot to think about given the increased risk for other cancers. One option already presented? Removal of his entire colon.

We’ll have a lot to think about re: his (ages 17-23) kids, too. It was recommended that they all also undergo testing if he has a mutation, of course, given the 50% chance they carry the same. If they also carry a mutation? Colonoscopies (and other screenings) begin yearly at age 20. The counselor indicated that they generally don’t test kids younger than 18 since there’s no childhood risk – but that we’d have to assess emotional maturity – and let them decide, of course.

The implications, in general, are just … astounding … and heartbreaking.

We asked about future insurance coverage – one big issue we were concerned about for all involved – and learned about the 2009 Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act (GINA) that protects from discrimination by health insurers and employers based on genetic information. HIPAA obv also helps. NOT protected – supplemental things like life insurance.

It’s a lot to absorb and think about.

Not knowing isn’t really an option … so we wait some more.

Edited to add: this is sort of a depressing thing, huh? Maybe I should stop with the cancer posts?

Instead of dwelling, catastrophizing and treating myself via google – my preferred method of action – I called the office that x-rayed my foot to find out the opinion of the radiologist + determine what I should do to follow-up.

It’s fractured. My heel.

The ortho clinic gave me a boot to wear – with a horseshoe cut-out thing inside so that I put no pressure directly on the fracture – until my appointment with a foot specialist in a couple of weeks.

Sounds like it’s not that big a deal as far as injuries go – just painful until it heals.

I’m feeling a little more optimistic today.

I would look ridiculous on a treadmill with this thing – and I can’t do the stair stepper – but I can at least ride the recumbent bike. And it will force me to do a bunch of stretching – which I should be doing anyway – since the ortho guy freaked me out with his insistence that I stretch the fascia or risk permanent … I don’t know … tightness?

This is not exactly the best thing that could’ve happened right as I’m trying very hard to manage a bunch of life stress without food/exercise BS creeping in – but I am steadfastly remaining dedicated to my one-meal-at-a-time thinking and am feeling ok (today) that I can keep this from tipping me either toward a free-for-all or toward crazy restriction.

Would be easy, though. Very easy. The thoughts are there.

On one hand – dang if this wouldn’t give me total permission to eat whatever and “start over” later when I can exercise (esp since the trainer is on vacation until Jan, too). OTO, no exercise (or simple walking) right now could mean a need to harshly restrict/count things to not gain weight, right?

Seriously. Would be SO EASY to go either way with the mental games.

Except I know better.

It’s still sometimes weird to me that I’ve been in both places and can so clearly see that I shouldn’t embrace either – but STILL have to beat the competing thoughts back. I know this stuff will probably be with me forever – and it’s getting easier to manage with every blip – it’s just a little disheartening that something as simple as a foot injury has the potential to throw me into a tailspin.

Anyway. I’m glad I’m aware. Bones heal. I will be fine.

So, I slipped and fell down our stairs last Friday afternoon.

I haven’t been able to put any weight on my heel since it happened, so I had it x-rayed. Apparently I have the “mother of all bone/heel spurs.” Even worse = I cracked it slamming my foot down trying to prevent the fall.

I dealt with plantar fasciitis in June 2009 (according to the picture I took following a podiatrist appointment – I would remember nothing if I didn’t have thousands of pictures to remind me):

This heel spur is likely related and will likely cause problems indefinitely – and I’ve likely sparked off another round of plantar fasciitis BS.

I still can’t put any weight on my heel – so this totally screws up just about all immediate ability to exercise unless I learn how to swim (which is highly unlikely). I’m sure I’ve mentioned that VERY BAD THINGS happen when I don’t have some ability to exercise – even if it’s not every single day.

I am SO READY for 2011 to just fucking end already.

On a somewhat brighter note, I have discovered that gingerbread men smothered with almond butter = a fabulous breakfast.

… and it’s even better when eaten while covered with an electric blanket + a couple of dogs.

The past couple of weeks? Awful. No distinctly specific reason – and not constantly. Intermittent awfulness.

I have been seriously stressed about my job situation. The one I mentioned earlier? I knew within the first day or so that it wasn’t right for me. Really, I knew at the interview. I should have known better than to accept a job that I was disappointed to be offered. I felt compelled to accept because … I just did. Who turns down perfectly acceptable job offers when there’s nothing else on the horizon?

I went to the initial training and then turned it down (uh, quit, I guess) after spending some time agonizing over it (before the job really started) and making myself crazy. Then I turned down a different position they offered as I was resigning. Then I turned down another job that would’ve required a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to do.

I KNOW.

I know very well how lucky I am to have had several job opportunities. Trust me. BUT. This whole job thing has been incredibly stressful and crazy-making for so many reasons. On one hand – really – who the hell am I to turn down perfectly acceptable jobs when I’m unemployed and contributing nothing (monetarily) to our household. OTO, I’ve been just arrogant enough to believe that something better – more appropriate for me and my training – would come along.

And I was right. I got the job I wanted all along – the very first job I applied for when I returned to Knoxville – one I had been hoping/wishing/holding out for all these months.

I will be making less money than I would have made at any of the other positions that were offered and the commute is WAY longer – but I am THRILLED.
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I’m glad it finally worked out because I am SO ready to move forward. The stress of the uncertainty of the past few months (job AND cancer related) has been killing me. My stomach hurts just about constantly.

I haven’t weighed myself since the last time I mentioned it here (and was the same as always), but my clothes all fit the same.

I’m still meeting with the trainer, but that’s about it re: exercise. I know VERY WELL that I would probably feel better if I’d make the effort to go to the gym each day, but somehow it has seemed easier/more beneficial to sit around in despair.

I’ve been semi ok with the food, but I think we’re currently on meal 4 or 5 in a row in restaurants. I’ve been meeting Jon for lunch while I still can – and we’ve been going on a lot of “dates” at night lately.

I have resisted dieting/calorie counting/crazy food restriction – my go-to way to feel in control – and I’m trying like hell to resist succumbing completely to my spinning world, too. The balance is a constant work in progress.

I feel fat/uncomfortable/miserable despite rationally knowing nothing (or very little) has changed weight-wise – and I HATE it. Hopefully the spinning is coming to an end.
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I’ve taken some pictures here and there.

Last weekend, we went to Memphis(ish) to see my family. On Saturday, my mom hosted a lunch with her family + dinner with my dad/step-mother and his family since the 6 hour drive means I had just one day to spend with everyone. It’s SO much easier to do it all in one place vs. spending the weekend hopping from house to house. My mom is kind.

My breakfast that morning indicates I was feeling poorly. Oatmeal = stomach soothing food.

She (and I) made pimento cheese, chicken salad and egg salad + I put together a couple of trays of meat + cheeses.

I tried to minimize my bread consumption – but had to eat SOME.

She had a bunch of stuff out to make salads, but she totally erased any positive benefit by making these things:

That’s a club cracker + bacon + brown sugar (baked).

I had a couple of mimosas, too.

Not pictured = chocolate pie + coconut cake.

Dinner was similar except we picked up a few pizzas, too. I didn’t eat because of the stomach hurting constantly/stress thing. Fun day, though.

The next morning, Jon made French toast with leftover (panettone & sourdough) bread ….

… since we just happened to have this in the car (a gift to Jon from a work-related person):

Lunch during the ride home:

Dinner = pepto bismol from some drug store in the middle of nowhere.

Other stuff that’s happened this week:

Last night we tried a new (to us) place that’s supposed to offer healthy stuff. I think we chose the wrong things (or – more likely – just TOO MUCH) because I left feeling like I was entering a coma.

(pad thai bowl)

(firecracker shrimp)

Today’s lunch:

Dinner tonight? Probably pepto bismol.
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I figured out what bran buds are.

I almost did the amazon Subscribe & Save thing – but I think we’re going to have to find an option that doesn’t have an ingredient list a mile long with sugar at #2 and HFCS at #4.

I went with Jon to his gastroenterologist this afternoon – the one who gave the cancer diagnosis.

I don’t think either of us had been back to his office since the day after the colonoscopy when we dropped off a CD with his PET scan results in hopes that he’d read it and give us some insight faster than the radiologist (which he did).

Walking into the office brought all of the sadness and utter terror we were in those first few days right back to the surface. I immediately remembered every moment of the those days – including ridiculous stuff like that I was wearing the same raincoat and shoes today – and felt a little bit of panic about going inside. I teared up just once, though, right after the doctor left the room. He seemed so excited about Jon’s progress and the fact that Jon “beat” the cancer that it made me happy + sad + relieved. The doctors weren’t all that excited or optimistic in the beginning, obviously.

We found out just how close Jon came to having open surgery + a colostomy given how low his tumor was. Jon’s surgeon specializes in minimally invasive surgery and we were told today that Jon’s successful laparoscopic surgery is a testament to the surgeon’s skill – but that there might be a trade-off. The trade-off? He might feel some nerve stuff (where the colon was put back together) for a while. It bothers him – but he seems to be MUCH MORE willing to deal with a little nerve pain/pressure than a potentially irreversible colostomy situation – so he’s happy he dodged that bullet.

He was told to start eating more fiber and was encouraged to eat bran buds (whatever that is) and All Bran and stuff like that. His comment (paraphrased)? “Yay (because he loves that nasty stuff), but it’s going to cause weight gain.” My comment? “You’re worried about ALL BRAN and not the 5,000 calories just consumed at an (Indian) buffet?”

We still have issues with differing beliefs re: nutrition/diet type stuff.

So. We brought home some metamucil samples and will be picking up some bran cereal and prunes tonight. I have memories of my great-grandmother eating stewed prunes on top of hot bran cereal – but I should probably lay off the comparisons to elderly people since Jon already complains enough about being old.
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It took a while to get our tree decorated – even though we didn’t do anything elaborate – because last week was insanely busy. It’s finally done, though.

We have this thing where we get an ornament (or two) each year that represents something from the year – a big event or a trip or whatever. We haven’t been good at keeping up with dates since we haven’t had a tree in 5 years and have just been adding new ornaments to a box and forgetting about them – but we just started this 5 years ago, so it’s not a big deal.

Year #1 = the year we got married.

Somewhere in there – maybe year #1 or 2 = Henry. Not sure since he actually happened before we got married and started doing this.

We either forgot and got two – or he warranted representation a different year, too. Probably a little bit of both.

This one came from our year in Chattanooga. We bought it from a vendor at the Chattanooga Market.

We chose this one on our first Christmas trip (alone) to NYC.

This one came from our second Christmas trip (with kids) to NYC.

These two came from Germany.

This one came from our North/South Dakota road trip.

We chose this one from a shop in downtown Ann Arbor, MI during our year there.

These are pretty easy to understand.

Our most recent?

(colon cancer awareness ribbon)

We need more lights, but I already moved/hid the plug-in strip thing and I’m not going near the damn thing and risking more needles falling. I’m tired of vacuuming/sweeping.

Jon might be old, but he’s here for good – and I’m really excited about continuing our ornament collection and filling up future trees with more fun memories.

Jon received his most recent CEA results late last week: 3.0. NORMAL. Barely – but it’s there.

No chemo or radiation on the horizon.

He goes back next month for his first regularly scheduled 3 month check-up.

I sometimes can’t believe we received the cancer diagnosis just 2 months ago – yet we’re done with everything but the ongoing monitoring.
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We’re staying at home this year for almost the entire month of December – so we have a tree for the first time in 5 years.

It barely fits (we had to move a chair upstairs), but I’m excited.

I love traveling – but I’m perfectly content to just be home until it’s warm enough for the beach.
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We had a bunch of stuff to do today, but Jon cooked anyway.

Lunch:

I was craving pizza, so Jon made one for dinner:

He coated the dough with dried basil and Parmesan cheese before adding (the best) pesto.

Toppings = Mozzarella, spinach, tomato, Kalamata olives, onion and a little bit of Feta.

Best. EVER.

He also roasted a chicken (for salads throughout the week).

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I weighed myself the other day out of curiosity. 180.0. Same as always.

I feel perfectly fine ending this year where I started (+/- a couple pounds – started at 182, I think) given the year.