A conversation recently happened with a group of women wherein height was being compared. Two of us are 5’10″, so she and I talked about the similarity – being taller than most women we encounter, etc. As the conversation ended, she threw in a “well, I wish I had that body, too” and did a quick survey of me up and down with her hands/eyes.

I was mortified – shocked – and it initially felt like she was making fun of me because … I don’t know … I guess my brain is still a complicated mess. I forget that I’m different. I forget that most people don’t know I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight. I still feel like the old me. I looked around, though, and realized I was standing in a room with 7-8 other women and I was the thinnest person in the room.

I had no idea how to respond to something like that.

So. Very awkward.

I responded by blurting out that I’ve lost 100 pounds and haven’t always had this body – while thinking – please don’t judge me because I’m just like you and I understand and I’ve been in your shoes and I promise I know what it’s like and oh god I sound like a cocky bitch but why can’t you people see how fat I am, anyway.

I wound up telling them my story and letting them down when I had no big reveal re: how I did it. They were shocked and had a bunch of questions and talked about how motivating it is to hear about it, how great I look, how they would have never known, etc.

Here’s the thing: I could have really appreciated that encounter. I feel like it should have felt good – nice – to hear that stuff, to be congratulated, to have some affirmation that I did a decent thing. I could have turned the whole thing into a positive/helpful/potentially motivating experience for everyone involved.

I didn’t hear that, though – and I didn’t respond that way. I responded by talking about how I still struggle, how I’m not done losing weight, how I have a long way to go. All negative. I went back to my office categorizing all the things wrong with my body – and seriously wondering why they couldn’t see how I’ve failed at finishing even though it’s been 4 YEARS FTLOG.

I was caught off guard, for sure, since I’ve never experienced a comment like that – but WTF.

I am in excellent health. I weigh 165ish pounds. I’ve lost over 100 pounds. I have a great routine re: sleep, food & exercise and have more peace with my lifestyle than ever before. I eat what I want, when I want – and I’m ok with that. I exercise because I enjoy it. I work hard to balance it all well – and I think I mostly succeed. I’m happy. I know this stuff.

Apparently none of that matters lately, though. None of it is powerful enough to combat the BS swirling around in my mind about how my stomach is jiggly and my butt has cellulite. Or about how I skipped the gym because I was tired and chose to watch tv instead. Or about how I eat a fucking white potato every night and am ok with that, but shouldn’t be.

This is not an extreme thing and I’m definitely not sitting around loathing my body or habits – trust me – I am very comfortable in my own skin – but I seem to be harder on myself NOW than when I was 100 pounds heavier and had a lot more work to do.

I don’t know when I will ever be done. Content. Satisfied with whatever success I’ve achieved. I don’t know when I will be able to accept positive comments and acknowledge that I’ve done something decent for myself.

I don’t know WHY I’m not content – happy – accepting – of what I’ve done, how I’ve done it and the result, but apparently I’m just not ready to stop beating myself up. Yet.

They jokingly told me that they want me to start a group for them (since that’s part of what I do professionally – facilitate groups for other things for people other than co-workers) and I just wish they knew how much I sincerely want to do something like that in a real and meaningful way in the future.

I have to figure out how to balance this stuff, though – my background and what I have to offer with my freakish belief that I have to be absolutely “perfect” for any of it to matter.
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Jon and I woke up Saturday morning at the crack of dawn and decided to go on some sort of adventure – so we took a long route through the mountains and wound up in Asheville, NC for … I don’t know. Lunch + walking around.

Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

Sunday = nothing (except mowing + mulching + tv watching). Jon cooked, though.

Lunch was Scrumptious Salmon Chowder.

Make this. Seriously. It’s bacon, salmon, leeks, carrots, chicken stock, coconut milk, dill & pepper.

Jon added hot sauce to his.

I had it again for lunch today at work. Very good.

For dinner, he made Damn Fine Chicken (and steamed green beans).

Also very good and recommended – but I have issues with meat on bones … so not as enthusiastic about this one.

Things are mostly the same otherwise. The smoothies? I know they look bad sometimes, but they’re not. At all.

My latest daily habit = a whole carrot, carrot juice (carrots + water only), a handful of frozen mixed fruit (peaches, pineapple, strawberries), spinach and a handful of frozen blueberries thrown in at the end.

They’re not super sweet – but I definitely look forward to them each morning. I can’t even imagine adding a sweetener at this point.

Exercise? I’m averaging about 3 trips to the gym per week – with at least 2 of them being at 5am since I’m trying my best to make the early morning thing a habit. I’m also meeting with the trainer once a week outside of the gym … and I’m still trying to make it to Pilates at least once a week (also outside of the gym).

Sleep is good. 8-9 hours/night.

This all means I am at home and awake approximately 2 hours a day. But I’m good. Healthy. Balancing it all pretty well.

I found Jon standing in the kitchen in his work clothes + apron blending up some chocolate when I got home from work tonight.

I am so lucky. For so many reasons.

Edited to add: But NOT because he cooks our meals.

I AM lucky he cooks because I eat scrambled eggs every night when he travels. BUT. You know what I mean. I seriously doubt anyone would tell him he’s lucky if I was at home cooking each night.

Point is: this is not 1940. I’d be in a whole hell of a lot of miserable trouble if it was.

So, this is freaking me out a little.

Jon asked me the other day if I’m losing weight because I’m sick – like, sick sick, I guess. If anybody’s capable of freaking out over weight loss, it’s ME. So. I’m sure you’re all aware that unexplainable weight loss is a symptom of EVERYTHING.

I think it’s because we aren’t eating in restaurants … and because I have gravitated to grazing throughout the day since the stomach revolt.

Like this:

This smoothie (which was more like juice since it was leftover from the morning – I generally make 2 at once) = spinach, pineapple, mango, strawberries, blueberries, a carrot, carrot juice. The rest of that stuff = an orange, ham, strawberries, an apple & a handful of walnuts. Breakfast was an identical smoothie + a boiled egg. Took all day to eat this stuff.

Or this:

A boiled egg, an orange, celery, almond butter, an apple (that I had already mostly eaten), a handful of walnuts & green tea. Breakfast was a smoothie + boiled egg.

And I do things like this for breakfast on days when I don’t feel like dealing with a smoothie (i.e., Saturday mornings):

We’ve also stuck to our goal to grocery shop each weekend with a plan for the week ahead.

(We might need a bigger bowl.)

And I don’t know if I mentioned this – but I’ve just about completely given up yogurt. I’ve had it a couple of times lately, but it’s a rare thing. Cheese is just about gone, too. It’s a special occasion thing that I think I’ve had once or twice in the past couple of weeks since I cut it out during the stomach revolt. So, dairy? Very rare these days.

Unless you count butter. I eat that every day on a baked potato – a recent dinner staple.

The restaurant thing? I’m shocked – and I CAN’T BELIEVE I’d ever type this – but I have little desire lately. We haven’t been to a Mexican restaurant – someplace we went AT LEAST twice a week – since before Christmas. I’ve noticed we’ve been talking ourselves out of going out quite a bit even though we didn’t completely ban it – just limited it.

I’m tired of overeating stuff I’d never eat at home and then feeling like shit all night (which always happens) + I am becoming the most insufferable food snob I’ve ever met (besides JON). So – it’s just not worth it.

This is why I don’t preach, though:

I had forgotten how much junk is consumed in the workplace. It’s ridiculous.
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I think this whole thing is weird to us largely because weight loss has always taken effort. I’ve always had to count something or obsess about something or try really fucking hard.

This weight loss that’s happening? Just happening.

I’m tired of feeling badly – and I want to do whatever I can to prevent things like stomach revolts and cancer, so I’m taking care of myself. I’m eating for health – not emotion. I’m exercising when I want to – and doing what I enjoy. I refuse to “diet” or restrict my eating in any way that doesn’t feel right to me, so I’m not counting anything or doing anything but eating what I want in whatever portion feels right – while being mindful of the overall desire to lose weight (hence the b-day cake at work, but the skipping of the pizza).

I’m just in a good place.

I hope it lasts. Took an awfully long time to get here.

(Or it’s because I have some dreadful disease. Either way.)
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A comment to Jon today that I’d like to lose 20ish more pounds was met with open shock and discouragement.

We talked about it – and I’m not sure that I really understand where’s he coming from since I just don’t feel done – and I’m not sure that he really understands where he’s coming from, either – but it sounds like he’s afraid I will lose too much and look “sick” (i.e., too thin).

I’ve been hearing this from various people for the past 50 pounds. It’s interesting.

Jon wouldn’t IN ANY WAY actively sabotage my efforts – and I think maybe he sees me differently than I see myself – and he said he thought I was done at the 100 pound mark – but I do sometimes wonder about the motivation behind the comments (from all sorts of people, not just him) that seem oriented toward encouraging me to be heavier.

I have no idea if 20ish more pounds is a realistic goal. I never created a plan for finishing up the weight loss because I never thought I’d get here. I never imagined I’d ever weigh 167 pounds – and I certainly had no idea what 167 pounds would look like.

I feel very confident I’ll know when I’m done. I’m not there yet.
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We’ve spent the weekend at home. I left the house once – to grocery shop. That’s it. It’s been nice.

I said something yesterday about how I couldn’t bring myself to buy Emergen-C packets – and then said something about how things have fundamentally changed for me lately re: weight loss, in general – and then I went and sat with a group of 10-12 people who each had a Mtn Dew bottle sitting in front of them. Seriously. Well, except for one. One person had a Dr Pepper.

This is going to sound eye-rollingly snotty – I KNOW – and I swear I never thought I’d become a person who shudders at the thought of drinking something like that. But I am. I felt actual disgust at the thought of putting neon yellow or BLACK sugar water in my body.

Then I felt something. It wasn’t the time or (my) place – and I don’t know why – but I felt sad for them. I felt bad that they appeared to be living my old destructive lifestyle.

I have this core belief that people should be free to live a life of their creation without judgment. I really do. I UNDERSTAND the lifestyle that drives people to drink that stuff and smoke and eat processed shit at every meal. I’ve done those things. I’ve walked in their shoes. I walked in their shoes for a LONG time.

I’m starting to feel like maybe I want to do more to openly acknowledge that there’s a “better” way to live, though. Whatever that means.

I don’t want to condemn food or other related lifestyle choices – or start preaching about how my way is the best way to live – that’s not what I’m talking about and not what I believe. I’m talking about maybe I’m thinking about mixing my professional and personal lives in some way and taking a path that might someday lead to focusing on health, nutrition, exercise and eating disorders.

I’m starting to feel ok. Ok enough that I feel like I’m ready to help other people figure out whatever it is they need to figure out re: this stuff, too.

I don’t know. Things just feel different for me now. I used to feel incapable of doing this sort of work because I felt like I – myself- was on shaky ground with it all.

I don’t feel that way anymore.
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They had a breakfast thing welcoming me (and some others) at work this morning. I passed up all the store/restaurant donuts and muffins and zeroed in on the homemade scones.

There was a time when I wouldn’t have done this after already having had a smoothie & egg for breakfast – and a loss on the scale – but dang. So good.

Looks like I’m steadily going down. I seriously can’t believe I’m so close to the 160′s. I honestly can’t recall ever being at such a low weight.

I don’t know what happened – but I’m apparently off the plateau.

One hunch? We’ve stuck to the restaurant restriction resolution and have been eating out just once a week. It sucked – A LOT – but as with everything, it’s not such a big deal now that it’s an established thing.

Today’s lunch:

(No recipe for the leftover chili. Jon just made it up as he went, as usual. It has chunks of roasted squash this time, though – which I love.)

I have been in the seriously irritating beginning stages of a cold for over a week. I looked at vitamin C packets/drinks/stuff at the grocery store but couldn’t bring myself to ingest the accompanying ingredients – so I bought a huge bag of oranges.

Plowed through a box of tea in just a few days, too.

I have no idea if this stuff helps, but it makes me feel as if I’m doing something other than obsessively washing my hands.

Have I mentioned that I recently went back to Pilates? It’s the only group/class exercise I’ve willingly/happily attended longish-term – because I love it. I stopped when I moved to MI and put it off during the Cancer Chaos, but I’m finally feeling motivated again. The first time wasn’t easy, per se – but it didn’t kill me. I was surprised.

Other than that, I’m still meeting with the trainer and still going to the gym for cardio.

So, yeah, I go 3 different places for 3 different things.

Might seem ridiculous – but looking back over the past 4 years, this is what has worked. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this is what I gravitated toward when I got back to TN. It feels like the right combo for me.

I haven’t been weighing myself, but I did have to go shopping last weekend to replace all of my work pants since I was beginning to fear that some of them might actually fall off. I used to get pretty excited about dropping sizes. This time? Irritated at the annoyance/expense.

I swear I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

It’s interesting. Things have fundamentally shifted in a very big way for me and I’m not sure why. Not complaining.

So – I went shopping, like I said, and came home and bagged up all of the bigger clothes and immediately dropped them at a donation place. I have held firm to my rule that I will never buy and/or keep bigger clothes “just in case” – and I’m continuing to stick with it.

Good day.

We showed up for Jon’s colonoscopy at 6:30am and were on the way home by 8:15am with excellent news: his colon is beautiful.

He’s fine.

Maybe now I will really believe it.

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I got home from work a little earlier than normal + Jon had been home all day with (most of) dinner in the crock pot, so:

Short Ribs + Cauliflower & Carrot Puree

Looks like he has a new favorite recipe site.

Jon’s been cooking this weekend.

Curried Cream of Broccoli Soup:

Verdict: Good. Made a ton. We’ll probably freeze some for future meals.

It went really well with a leftover grilled (cold) pork chop.

Sweet & Salty Fudge Bombs:

I requested a brownie and wound up with these. See the link above – they’re pecans, dates, vanilla, cocoa powder, salt & unsweetened coconut.

Verdict: I wouldn’t say better than a brownie, but highly recommended. I had to put them away to prevent eating them all in one swoop.

Quick Pressure Cooker Bone Broth:

He’s in prep mode for his colonoscopy tomorrow, so this has been it for him today.

Expect see those bottles of Miralax on top of the refrigerator?

He just started chugging them.

He’s not so happy about drinking “sugar water” – says it makes him feel awful – but Miralax mixed with Gatorade (plus two Dulcolax pills) is the preferred method of the gastro.

(I wear layers + an electric blanket. He wears a hat.)

So. Turns out the 8-5 thing is taking some time to get used to. I remember struggling with missing my routines and the monotony of a regular schedule when I quit working a regular full-time job and had to become accustomed to the ways of academia – but now I’m struggling to go back. I had no idea just how much I enjoyed the flexibility.

I’m sure it’ll be much easier to embrace once I’m not going to work in the dark AND coming home in the (mostly) dark.
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I’ve been largely unsuccessful with the 5am gym plan.

I’m averaging about 2-3 trips/week – but they’re happening at night and on the weekends.

I think I went to the gym once this past week (at night), met with my trainer once (at her house) and canceled plans to go one night because I was peopled out and just did NOT want to deal with a crowded gym. Took a walk instead.

I miss the regular walks we took in MI for so many reasons – so I have zero guilt about skipping the gym – and plan to continue this.

I still have some sort of hope that I’ll get into a regular morning habit, but I’m not going to stress too much about it if it doesn’t happen. I’m fitting exercise in as I become adjusted to a new life/schedule and I’m keeping it a priority vs. an afterthought – that’s all I really care about.

The boot? I quit wearing it. It was a total pain in the ass. My foot has progressively gotten better each week. The walk (above) was the first time I’d gone so far in regular shoes, but it was fine. I’ve done the stair stepper thing at the gym, too, without pain – so I’m over it.
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I realized today (as I scrolled through my prior entries to recall what I last posted) that I never came up with any sort of replacement reward for the 100 pound loss – and subsequently realized that I don’t really care.

It used to be SO important to me to meet this goal. Now? I’m not sure why I care so little about it.

I posted the announcement on facebook the day I felt excited about it, but had to do some follow-up.

The comments were all very kind and very supportive, but I started to feel like the conversation could veer toward Biggest Loser BS – like I was some pathetic person with zero self-esteem just because I was fat – but NOW! Now I should be able to see how wonderful I am!

One comment from an acquiantance from long ago – someone who doesn’t really know me at all – got me riled up pretty quickly. I had to carefully craft that response.

Which brings me to the Georgia kid shaming campaign bullshit.

I saw the billboards when we went to ATL for Thanksgiving. I saw them on the way down and was confused because I didn’t fully understand them – but didn’t say anything to Jon because I felt embarrassed (SHAMED) by what I assumed the message to be. I think it hit a little too close to home and brought up some emotion – so I did what I generally do when encountering something hurtful – I ignored it.

Jon mentioned it as we drove home and saw more billboards, though. He was confused, too, and didn’t fully understand the message – so asked me what I thought.

We were confused because WE COULDN’T FUCKING BELIEVE we were seeing CHILDREN being shamed on billboards.

Surely that wasn’t what we were seeing, right?

SURELY that sort of thing wouldn’t be happening.

(link above)

Strong 4 Life does include tips for healthier living on its site, but the main thrust of the campaign is still a horribly misguided focus on what a bummer it is to be fat. Shouldn’t we encourage our kids that being healthy is a positive thing on its own, and not just because “it’s hard to be a little girl” who’s fat? There’s absolutely nothing in a message like that other than the idea that girls are supposed to be “little.” It implies that the teasing young Tina now endures will melt away when she sheds a few pounds. Maybe. But change so you won’t get picked on? That’s a terrible philosophy, especially for the less ectomorphically inclined. Some kids will always be big, even if they’re perfectly healthy. As a Facebook commenter beautifully explained, “Just wanted you to know that you’re doing a horrible thing. Fat kids shouldn’t stop being fat because they get bullied. It’s the bullies that should be stopped.

I had actually planned to look it up/figure it out back when I saw the billboards – but got busy and forgot until I (very happily) started seeing the criticism show up in various places.

You can sign a petition to stop this campaign. I’ve also seen mention of an #ashamed twitter party/petition.

I am a mostly “normal” looking adult who felt embarrassed and shamed by the billboards. I can only imagine the true impact to the children who see this each day.

It’s ridiculous.
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Jon had his first 3-month follow-up with the oncologist yesterday. His CEA level dropped even more (from 3.0 to 1.3) – news we were very happy to receive. His scan was normal. Everything is perfectly fine – except the scan revealed some (totally normal) arthritis in (on?) his spine.

We were both pretty stressed all week waiting for this appointment – and will likely freak out every 3 months for a long time – but it went very well.

He’s having a follow-up colonoscopy on Monday d/t some residual minor pain issues. I might need a Xanax to handle the flashbacks as I sit in the waiting room – but that should be the worst part (for me!) since the CEA level indicates no tumor.

We went to a Healthy Living Expo last weekend where we were able to walk through a colon and look at the stages of cancer, etc. Interesting, but sort of strange.

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I’ve been eating the same stuff just about every day.

Seriously. This is my lunch every. single. day.

I make two smoothies each morning and take one to have w/lunch + we’ve been buying whole hams and cubing them for easy protein + I take an apple, handful of walnuts and 5 prunes.

We boil a dozen eggs each weekend, so breakfast = that + a smoothie every day.

Makes life easy.

Dinners have varied, but I haven’t been taking pictures because they’d mostly look like this since I eat in the dark:

Jon made this chicken cacciatore last weekend. Very good.

We had friends over for dinner, so he made rice for the non-paleo eating people, too. Plus I bought some bread – another rare treat these days.

… which I finished off with Jon’s homemade pesto.

I’ve been sticking with fruit + unsweetened yogurt + almond butter + melted 88% choc to handle sugar cravings.

Point is: things are pretty much the same.

It’s official. 100 pounds lost!

I would have never tried if I’d known that it would take 4 years and 16 days to achieve this – but I’m SO GLAD it happened this way.

It was incredibly naive of me to think that such a major life overhaul would (or should) take little time and effort. I think I’m almost more proud of the fact that I’ve made steady progress over the 4 years and haven’t had to work toward re-losing anything but extremely minor blips here and there.

About 6 weeks prior to starting:

Saturday:

Today’s a holiday for me, so I have a session with the trainer scheduled + I’ll probably go to the gym afterward. Seems like an appropriate way to spend my day.

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The weekend in Memphis went well.

I was a little nervous about eating since I still have fear that a stomach revolt will start up again – but I planned ahead and got all obnoxious and bought my own food and mostly did my own thing.

Breakfast started like this each day:

(carrot juice, spinach, frozen pineapple & mango, fresh strawberries)

Turned into this:

We went out just once (where I learned that pork might not be such a good idea anymore).

I tried to do the multiple small meal thing despite being very busy, so I ate some snacks that looked like this:

(unsweetened full-fat yogurt + strawberries + walnuts + melted 88% choc)

My dad had lunch at his house following the funeral.

(ham + steamed green beans + steamed asparagus + plain salad + cornbread dressing)

I was feeling adventurous, so I ate pie, too.

I drug everyone out to a park for a walk one morning.

And I made them do masks with me …

And I played with a bunch of dogs …

And I took my little brother on a date …

Point is: I tried very hard to manage a really hard weekend. To just be. To not rely on food AND to keep the stomach revolt under control.

It worked.
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(I’m so lucky.)

The good:

1) Jon received the results from the genetic testing. His cancer = a freak thing. I have been extremely stressed about this and thought I would feel immense relief at learning it’s not a genetic thing – AND I DO – but it’s a little unsettling to think my otherwise perfectly healthy and YOUNG husband who has no family history of colorectal (or much other, really) cancer just randomly grew a tumor. I need EXPLANATIONS.

2) I SO love my new job. I definitely made the right decision.

My only hesitation was the almost 2 hour per day round-trip commute (into a very rural community) – but it’s not so bad. I’m only two weeks in, but I wake up excited every morning – and the drive is simple/no traffic and quite scenic – and I appreciate the time to unwind and switch gears before being home each night – so no complaints yet.

I love working in community mtl hlth and feel very lucky to be working for an agency dedicated to the underserved. I found my people, for sure.

3) I’m eating again.

The bad:

1) Long drive to Memphis happening soon for my grandmother’s funeral.

2) It’s supposed to snow. Around here, that’s a big deal that could make me a very grumpy traveler.

The mixed:

1) I haven’t seen my youngest brother in over a year, but he flew up from FL for my grandmother’s funeral. Sad occasion – but I’m excited to see him.

He was a teenager when my mom and step-father moved to Key West, so he went with them. My mom came back to TN when my step-father died and recently moved back into her home of many years once renters moved, etc., but this kid (he’s 22 now) stayed down there in an apartment of his own, works full-time as a gov’t contractor and is taking classes at the community college with plans to transfer later when he’s tired of KW.

I hear tales of clubs and random debauchery … but I’m so impressed he doesn’t spend his days drunk on a beach because he SO could have gone that route. So proud.

2) I’m 1.5 pounds away from officially making it to 100 pounds.

On one hand – this is something I’m happy about, obv. While not the end of the road – and likely already achieved since 272 is just my highest recorded weight – it’s something I once thought would be impossible. It’s a big deal to me. A good thing.

On the other – I’m pulling the scale out before it has time to gather dust. I also felt a little twinge of disappointment the other day when I realized my stomach revolt might be over. That’s not a good thing. At all.
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Jon is hovering right around 198ish and told me the other day that he never thought he’d see the day that I’d weigh almost 25 pounds less than him. Realistically – I didn’t, either. We spent SO much time competing and/or weighing the same and/or listening to me complain about how easy it is for him – but I can’t remember now when I passed him up. Feels like it just happened.

I guess that’s a testament to how little emphasis I’ve put on my weight recently?
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A long time ago, I decided that I really wanted Vibram FiveFingers – so that became my 100 loss “reward” that I actually stuck to (meaning I didn’t buy them on a whim) – but I lost interest long ago.

I feel like I should do something to celebrate/reward the achievement, but I’m not really feeling all that interested in bothering. I might actually become one of those people who rewards weight loss with food – disobeying advice from everybody who thinks they know everything about weight loss.

This restaurant restriction resolution SUCKS.