This is going to sound eye-rollingly snotty – I KNOW – and I swear I never thought I’d become a person who shudders at the thought of drinking something like that. But I am. I felt actual disgust at the thought of putting neon yellow or BLACK sugar water in my body.

Then I felt something. It wasn’t the time or (my) place – and I don’t know why – but I felt sad for them. I felt bad that they appeared to be living my old destructive lifestyle.

I have this core belief that people should be free to live a life of their creation without judgment. I really do. I UNDERSTAND the lifestyle that drives people to drink that stuff and smoke and eat processed shit at every meal. I’ve done those things. I’ve walked in their shoes. I walked in their shoes for a LONG time.

I’m starting to feel like maybe I want to do more to openly acknowledge that there’s a “better” way to live, though. Whatever that means.

I don’t want to condemn food or other related lifestyle choices – or start preaching about how my way is the best way to live – that’s not what I’m talking about and not what I believe. I’m talking about maybe I’m thinking about mixing my professional and personal lives in some way and taking a path that might someday lead to focusing on health, nutrition, exercise and eating disorders.

I’m starting to feel ok. Ok enough that I feel like I’m ready to help other people figure out whatever it is they need to figure out re: this stuff, too.

I don’t know. Things just feel different for me now. I used to feel incapable of doing this sort of work because I felt like I – myself- was on shaky ground with it all.

I don’t feel that way anymore.
—————————————-

They had a breakfast thing welcoming me (and some others) at work this morning. I passed up all the store/restaurant donuts and muffins and zeroed in on the homemade scones.

There was a time when I wouldn’t have done this after already having had a smoothie & egg for breakfast – and a loss on the scale – but dang. So good.

Looks like I’m steadily going down. I seriously can’t believe I’m so close to the 160′s. I honestly can’t recall ever being at such a low weight.

I don’t know what happened – but I’m apparently off the plateau.

One hunch? We’ve stuck to the restaurant restriction resolution and have been eating out just once a week. It sucked – A LOT – but as with everything, it’s not such a big deal now that it’s an established thing.

(No recipe for the leftover chili. Jon just made it up as he went, as usual. It has chunks of roasted squash this time, though – which I love.)

I have been in the seriously irritating beginning stages of a cold for over a week. I looked at vitamin C packets/drinks/stuff at the grocery store but couldn’t bring myself to ingest the accompanying ingredients – so I bought a huge bag of oranges.

Plowed through a box of tea in just a few days, too.

I have no idea if this stuff helps, but it makes me feel as if I’m doing something other than obsessively washing my hands.

Have I mentioned that I recently went back to Pilates? It’s the only group/class exercise I’ve willingly/happily attended longish-term – because I love it. I stopped when I moved to MI and put it off during the Cancer Chaos, but I’m finally feeling motivated again. The first time wasn’t easy, per se – but it didn’t kill me. I was surprised.

Other than that, I’m still meeting with the trainer and still going to the gym for cardio.

So, yeah, I go 3 different places for 3 different things.

Might seem ridiculous – but looking back over the past 4 years, this is what has worked. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this is what I gravitated toward when I got back to TN. It feels like the right combo for me.

I haven’t been weighing myself, but I did have to go shopping last weekend to replace all of my work pants since I was beginning to fear that some of them might actually fall off. I used to get pretty excited about dropping sizes. This time? Irritated at the annoyance/expense.

I swear I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

It’s interesting. Things have fundamentally shifted in a very big way for me and I’m not sure why. Not complaining.

So – I went shopping, like I said, and came home and bagged up all of the bigger clothes and immediately dropped them at a donation place. I have held firm to my rule that I will never buy and/or keep bigger clothes “just in case” – and I’m continuing to stick with it.

We showed up for Jon’s colonoscopy at 6:30am and were on the way home by 8:15am with excellent news: his colon is beautiful.

He’s fine.

Maybe now I will really believe it.

________________________________________

I got home from work a little earlier than normal + Jon had been home all day with (most of) dinner in the crock pot, so:

Short Ribs + Cauliflower & Carrot Puree

Looks like he has a new favorite recipe site.

Curried Cream of Broccoli Soup:

Verdict: Good. Made a ton. We’ll probably freeze some for future meals.

It went really well with a leftover grilled (cold) pork chop.

Sweet & Salty Fudge Bombs:

I requested a brownie and wound up with these. See the link above – they’re pecans, dates, vanilla, cocoa powder, salt & unsweetened coconut.

Verdict: I wouldn’t say better than a brownie, but highly recommended. I had to put them away to prevent eating them all in one swoop.

Quick Pressure Cooker Bone Broth:

He’s in prep mode for his colonoscopy tomorrow, so this has been it for him today.

Expect see those bottles of Miralax on top of the refrigerator?

He just started chugging them.

He’s not so happy about drinking “sugar water” – says it makes him feel awful – but Miralax mixed with Gatorade (plus two Dulcolax pills) is the preferred method of the gastro.

(I wear layers + an electric blanket. He wears a hat.)

I’m sure it’ll be much easier to embrace once I’m not going to work in the dark AND coming home in the (mostly) dark.
________________________________________

I’ve been largely unsuccessful with the 5am gym plan.

I’m averaging about 2-3 trips/week – but they’re happening at night and on the weekends.

I think I went to the gym once this past week (at night), met with my trainer once (at her house) and canceled plans to go one night because I was peopled out and just did NOT want to deal with a crowded gym. Took a walk instead.

I miss the regular walks we took in MI for so many reasons – so I have zero guilt about skipping the gym – and plan to continue this.

I still have some sort of hope that I’ll get into a regular morning habit, but I’m not going to stress too much about it if it doesn’t happen. I’m fitting exercise in as I become adjusted to a new life/schedule and I’m keeping it a priority vs. an afterthought – that’s all I really care about.

The boot? I quit wearing it. It was a total pain in the ass. My foot has progressively gotten better each week. The walk (above) was the first time I’d gone so far in regular shoes, but it was fine. I’ve done the stair stepper thing at the gym, too, without pain – so I’m over it.
________________________________________

I realized today (as I scrolled through my prior entries to recall what I last posted) that I never came up with any sort of replacement reward for the 100 pound loss – and subsequently realized that I don’t really care.

It used to be SO important to me to meet this goal. Now? I’m not sure why I care so little about it.

I posted the announcement on facebook the day I felt excited about it, but had to do some follow-up.

The comments were all very kind and very supportive, but I started to feel like the conversation could veer toward Biggest Loser BS – like I was some pathetic person with zero self-esteem just because I was fat – but NOW! Now I should be able to see how wonderful I am!

One comment from an acquiantance from long ago – someone who doesn’t really know me at all – got me riled up pretty quickly. I had to carefully craft that response.

Which brings me to the Georgia kid shaming campaign bullshit.

I saw the billboards when we went to ATL for Thanksgiving. I saw them on the way down and was confused because I didn’t fully understand them – but didn’t say anything to Jon because I felt embarrassed (SHAMED) by what I assumed the message to be. I think it hit a little too close to home and brought up some emotion – so I did what I generally do when encountering something hurtful – I ignored it.

Jon mentioned it as we drove home and saw more billboards, though. He was confused, too, and didn’t fully understand the message – so asked me what I thought.

We were confused because WE COULDN’T FUCKING BELIEVE we were seeing CHILDREN being shamed on billboards.

Surely that wasn’t what we were seeing, right?

SURELY that sort of thing wouldn’t be happening.

(link above)

Strong 4 Life does include tips for healthier living on its site, but the main thrust of the campaign is still a horribly misguided focus on what a bummer it is to be fat. Shouldn’t we encourage our kids that being healthy is a positive thing on its own, and not just because “it’s hard to be a little girl” who’s fat? There’s absolutely nothing in a message like that other than the idea that girls are supposed to be “little.” It implies that the teasing young Tina now endures will melt away when she sheds a few pounds. Maybe. But change so you won’t get picked on? That’s a terrible philosophy, especially for the less ectomorphically inclined. Some kids will always be big, even if they’re perfectly healthy. As a Facebook commenter beautifully explained, “Just wanted you to know that you’re doing a horrible thing. Fat kids shouldn’t stop being fat because they get bullied. It’s the bullies that should be stopped.

I had actually planned to look it up/figure it out back when I saw the billboards – but got busy and forgot until I (very happily) started seeing the criticism show up in various places.

You can sign a petition to stop this campaign. I’ve also seen mention of an #ashamed twitter party/petition.

I am a mostly “normal” looking adult who felt embarrassed and shamed by the billboards. I can only imagine the true impact to the children who see this each day.

It’s ridiculous.
________________________________________

Jon had his first 3-month follow-up with the oncologist yesterday. His CEA level dropped even more (from 3.0 to 1.3) – news we were very happy to receive. His scan was normal. Everything is perfectly fine – except the scan revealed some (totally normal) arthritis in (on?) his spine.

We were both pretty stressed all week waiting for this appointment – and will likely freak out every 3 months for a long time – but it went very well.

He’s having a follow-up colonoscopy on Monday d/t some residual minor pain issues. I might need a Xanax to handle the flashbacks as I sit in the waiting room – but that should be the worst part (for me!) since the CEA level indicates no tumor.

We went to a Healthy Living Expo last weekend where we were able to walk through a colon and look at the stages of cancer, etc. Interesting, but sort of strange.

________________________________________

I’ve been eating the same stuff just about every day.

Seriously. This is my lunch every. single. day.

I make two smoothies each morning and take one to have w/lunch + we’ve been buying whole hams and cubing them for easy protein + I take an apple, handful of walnuts and 5 prunes.

We boil a dozen eggs each weekend, so breakfast = that + a smoothie every day.

Makes life easy.

Dinners have varied, but I haven’t been taking pictures because they’d mostly look like this since I eat in the dark:

Jon made this chicken cacciatore last weekend. Very good.

We had friends over for dinner, so he made rice for the non-paleo eating people, too. Plus I bought some bread – another rare treat these days.

… which I finished off with Jon’s homemade pesto.

I’ve been sticking with fruit + unsweetened yogurt + almond butter + melted 88% choc to handle sugar cravings.

Point is: things are pretty much the same.

I would have never tried if I’d known that it would take 4 years and 16 days to achieve this – but I’m SO GLAD it happened this way.

It was incredibly naive of me to think that such a major life overhaul would (or should) take little time and effort. I think I’m almost more proud of the fact that I’ve made steady progress over the 4 years and haven’t had to work toward re-losing anything but extremely minor blips here and there.

About 6 weeks prior to starting:

Saturday:

Today’s a holiday for me, so I have a session with the trainer scheduled + I’ll probably go to the gym afterward. Seems like an appropriate way to spend my day.

________________________________________

The weekend in Memphis went well.

I was a little nervous about eating since I still have fear that a stomach revolt will start up again – but I planned ahead and got all obnoxious and bought my own food and mostly did my own thing.

Breakfast started like this each day:

(carrot juice, spinach, frozen pineapple & mango, fresh strawberries)

Turned into this:

We went out just once (where I learned that pork might not be such a good idea anymore).

I tried to do the multiple small meal thing despite being very busy, so I ate some snacks that looked like this:

(unsweetened full-fat yogurt + strawberries + walnuts + melted 88% choc)

My dad had lunch at his house following the funeral.

(ham + steamed green beans + steamed asparagus + plain salad + cornbread dressing)

I was feeling adventurous, so I ate pie, too.

I drug everyone out to a park for a walk one morning.

And I made them do masks with me …

And I played with a bunch of dogs …

And I took my little brother on a date …

Point is: I tried very hard to manage a really hard weekend. To just be. To not rely on food AND to keep the stomach revolt under control.

It worked.
________________________________________

(I’m so lucky.)

1) Jon received the results from the genetic testing. His cancer = a freak thing. I have been extremely stressed about this and thought I would feel immense relief at learning it’s not a genetic thing – AND I DO – but it’s a little unsettling to think my otherwise perfectly healthy and YOUNG husband who has no family history of colorectal (or much other, really) cancer just randomly grew a tumor. I need EXPLANATIONS.

2) I SO love my new job. I definitely made the right decision.

My only hesitation was the almost 2 hour per day round-trip commute (into a very rural community) – but it’s not so bad. I’m only two weeks in, but I wake up excited every morning – and the drive is simple/no traffic and quite scenic – and I appreciate the time to unwind and switch gears before being home each night – so no complaints yet.

I love working in community mtl hlth and feel very lucky to be working for an agency dedicated to the underserved. I found my people, for sure.

3) I’m eating again.

The bad:

1) Long drive to Memphis happening soon for my grandmother’s funeral.

2) It’s supposed to snow. Around here, that’s a big deal that could make me a very grumpy traveler.

The mixed:

1) I haven’t seen my youngest brother in over a year, but he flew up from FL for my grandmother’s funeral. Sad occasion – but I’m excited to see him.

He was a teenager when my mom and step-father moved to Key West, so he went with them. My mom came back to TN when my step-father died and recently moved back into her home of many years once renters moved, etc., but this kid (he’s 22 now) stayed down there in an apartment of his own, works full-time as a gov’t contractor and is taking classes at the community college with plans to transfer later when he’s tired of KW.

I hear tales of clubs and random debauchery … but I’m so impressed he doesn’t spend his days drunk on a beach because he SO could have gone that route. So proud.

2) I’m 1.5 pounds away from officially making it to 100 pounds.

On one hand – this is something I’m happy about, obv. While not the end of the road – and likely already achieved since 272 is just my highest recorded weight – it’s something I once thought would be impossible. It’s a big deal to me. A good thing.

On the other – I’m pulling the scale out before it has time to gather dust. I also felt a little twinge of disappointment the other day when I realized my stomach revolt might be over. That’s not a good thing. At all.
—————————————-

Jon is hovering right around 198ish and told me the other day that he never thought he’d see the day that I’d weigh almost 25 pounds less than him. Realistically – I didn’t, either. We spent SO much time competing and/or weighing the same and/or listening to me complain about how easy it is for him – but I can’t remember now when I passed him up. Feels like it just happened.

I guess that’s a testament to how little emphasis I’ve put on my weight recently?
—————————————-

A long time ago, I decided that I really wanted Vibram FiveFingers – so that became my 100 loss “reward” that I actually stuck to (meaning I didn’t buy them on a whim) – but I lost interest long ago.

I feel like I should do something to celebrate/reward the achievement, but I’m not really feeling all that interested in bothering. I might actually become one of those people who rewards weight loss with food – disobeying advice from everybody who thinks they know everything about weight loss.

This restaurant restriction resolution SUCKS.

Not going so well.

I have a fear that this is becoming (or became – a long time ago) my place to bitch/whine/dump my BS – but so be it.

Here goes.
________________________________________

My (paternal and only) grandmother died yesterday after becoming ill just before Christmas and spending almost 2 weeks in a medically induced coma.

I last saw her when we were in Memphis a few weeks ago and noticed that she didn’t look well, but had no idea she’d so rapidly decline. (Entered the hospital with pneumonia, a blood sugar spike to 540 – the primary concern, and uncontrollable seizures that never stopped.)

I’ve always had a very close relationship with my grandmother. She was a part of every major event of my life – and most of the minutia, too. I spent huge amounts of time at her house growing up. As an adult, I spent countless nights sitting at her kitchen table eating her unquestionably huge southern meals – and then sticking around to drink coffee into the night with my 24/7 coffee drinking insomniac grandfather.

She never really got past the grief associated with my grandfather’s death 6 years ago – something she mentioned almost every single week when I’d call. I sympathized. If I was closer to anyone else in my extended family – it was definitely him.

The family I knew as a child has been forever changed by their deaths, of course. Seems weird and a little unbelievable.

For various reasons, I chose not to be in town/at the hospital when she died – something that was planned since she had been artificially supported since just after entering the hospital.

I have a lifetime of great memories.

________________________________________

The gastric emptying scan I had showed that my stomach empties too rapidly. At two hours, I had 19% of the food left in my stomach. “Normal” people generally have 30-60% left.

This situation (aka dumping syndrome – meaning food is being very quickly dumped to my small intestine without full digestion) is weird, because it’s mostly associated with gastric bypass surgery or other stomach surgeries – something I haven’t had. The doctor and I both anticipated that the opposite would be my problem – that we’d find my stomach emptying too slowly.

Also – he diagnosed Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I don’t know.

I don’t have the classic symptoms – but I had already sort of google-diagnosed myself with the same.

Here’s the thing: I’ve had stomach issues my entire life. Stress, nervousness, etc.? Sick. Always.

Lately, though, I haven’t been able to eat just about at all. That 177 weight I posted last week? The beginning of a pretty rapid decline in ability to eat anything but pepto-bismol.

Today?

This is the first time – in my life – that it’s gotten so bad that I’ve actually stopped eating and have lost weight. In case I haven’t driven home this point: I like to eat. I can easily eat to and throughout stomach discomfort.

The doctor asked if I’ve been under new/more stress lately.

HA. HAHAHAHA. Uh, yeah.

He prescribed Elavil – an old-school anti-depressant that is often used for IBS that should also slow down my stomach and help with the rapid emptying.

I called and cried and asked them to work me in to discuss the scan earlier than planned after a particularly painful day, so he’s probably going to think I’m completely nuts – but I’ve decided not to take it. For now.

I want to try to manage the stress better + figure out an eating plan before I resort to a pill that’s just going to mask the pain.

I know this latest flare-up will get better in time. They always do. The emotional swings from the whole genetic testing + grandmother dying + brand new job circumstance I have going on right now won’t last forever.

The upside to all of this is that I’m just over 2 pounds away from officially losing 100 pounds. Yay, I guess – though NOT EATING is not exactly how I wanted to achieve this.

Also, I’ve become pretty accustomed to drinking unsweetened smoothies (nothing beyond fruit, anyway) since liquids have been easier to tolerate – and am finding that I actually really like them.

This morning = carrot juice, blueberries, baby food pears, spinach, a small cucumber and a yellow squash.

________________________________________

The first week of 2012 went pretty well re: the good health goals despite the stomach BS.

We’re prepared for another week.

And I’m determined to get my shit under control to stop the stomach revolt.

The only change: a new schedule.

The ongoing plan is to get up at 4:30am to make it to the gym by 5 so I can be back home by 6 and on the way to work by 7.

5 days a week because it’s just easier to get into a consistent routine.

This means, of course, that I’ll be in bed each night by 9.

Today is going well. Wasn’t so bad + the gym was empty.

(It snowed!)

I’ll be meeting with the trainer at night – probably once or twice a week as usual – starting next week.

We’ve had a great holiday season – but I’m ready for the new year.

I love the energy of new starts.

Jon and I created our list of 2012 life, house and financial goals yesterday and roughly planned out our year – something most people think we’re crazy to do – but we’re planners.

2012 is exciting because life is stable now that I’m done with school and am starting the new job (!) tomorrow. It’s a year (finally!) that is easily planned.

I love the monotony of routines, too.
________________________________________

My #1 goal for 2012: good health.

I’ve taken care of just about everything medically – including going to a cardiologist and gastroenterologist to try to determine why I faint so frequently (most recent: the morning of Jon’s surgery – in the shower, just after I woke up).

I feel tremendous amounts of stress every time I deal with the appointments, but I am trying very hard to be even more proactive about my health than I’ve been in recent previous years.

Cholesterol = fantastic. Blood sugar levels = “nice and low.” Blood pressure = consistently low/normal. Everything else = normal.

One of my last steps in ensuring I’m aware of everything of concern: spent almost 5 (miserable/starving/dehydrated/uncaffeinated) hours at a hospital having a gastric emptying study the other day.

(They pricked my finger several times to check my blood sugar – something that semi-convinced me to finally buy a meter and do it at home because it was so interesting. I started the morning (after fasting all night, obv) at 77, jumped to 84 after eating the eggs + piece of toast they gave me at 10:30am and then dropped to 70 by almost 3pm when the scans were done.)

I spent so many years tearing up/seriously neglecting my body that I sometimes feel as if I have a lot to make up for and correct – so I’m glad I’m getting this stuff taken care of.

(Plus there’s Jon cancer diagnosis. Can’t deny that it scared the shit out of me.)
________________________________________

Weight-wise, I have a rough goal and would like to make it to 160 (at least) – but I have zero intention of making myself crazy over it.

Never thought I’d see the day that I would find dust on (and under) my scale, but it happened when I pulled it out from under the bed yesterday to weigh so that I could update my bio page.

Also interesting? This is the lowest weight I’ve seen.

I knew I hadn’t gained weight based on my clothes, etc. but was sort of surprised to see such a low number since I’ve done zero hardcore cardio the past few weeks + the holidays (+ cancer + Ireland + job stress, etc.).

I am seemingly doing very well with intuitive eating. Would seem crazy to rock the boat, huh?

For the first time EVER, I’m starting a year with peace about food, exercise and my health.

It’s nice.

The bio update:

I started 2008 at 272.
I started 2009 at 216.
I started 2010 at 192.
I started 2011 at 182.
I started 2012 at 177.5.
________________________________________

Food-wise, Jon and I are keeping on with our general way of doing things.

He eats a mostly paleo diet that he’s intending to be more strict about, but I am planning to continue to eat whatever he cooks + eat yogurt and fruit and white potatoes and whatever else feels ok to me. He really wants me to go full-on paleo with him – and almost had me talked into another 30 day trial – but I am just not willing to bring diet thinking of any kind into my life.

Not worth it.

One new thing we’re doing pretty consistently these days = smoothies for breakfast for easily added fruit/vegetables to accompany our protein (eggs).

I make mine with fruit …

… and have been adding baby food here and there out of laziness (and have sometimes added a little bit of leftover holiday OJ for added sweetness).

… and prefer mine to be very thick and chunky.

Jon’s are primarily vegetable based. This one = spinach, cucumber, blueberries, bok choy & mango.

Today’s = 1/2 an avocado, handful of cherry tomatoes, carrot, beet greens, arugula, watercress, (homemade) chicken stock

It was ok once I got past the appearance.

One other new thing Jon’s doing:

He didn’t really convince me to start drinking this stuff with his “pond water” description.
________________________________________

The only food related goals we’ve created re: good health = limiting restaurants to 6x/mo (that’s a pretty radical decrease that feels reasonable) + carving out time each weekend to make sure we’re prepared for the upcoming week since lack of preparation is our #1 downfall.

We’re at least starting out on the right foot.

Jon’s out riding his bike this morning + we’re planning to take a walk later this afternoon. Otherwise? We’re spending the day doing nothing (except finishing up season 1 of Downton Abbey … how did we just discover this?). Great end to the year/start of a new one.