Today is the last day of my 20′s.

I feel like I’m supposed to feel as if some profound shift is happening as I leave these years behind, but … I feel nothing. Maybe a little bit of very strange sadness that this decade is over. Ok, maybe a lot of weepy sadness today – but hell if I know where it’s suddenly coming from because I’m not usually sentimental about stuff like this. I think I’m totally cracking up from all this alone at home with nothing to do time.

My 20′s were fabulous. I learned so much and grew so much and changed so much. So many good things happened.

I moved from Memphis(ish) to Chattanooga to Knoxville and then finally to Ann Arbor – and lived in approximately 7 different apartments/condos/houses along the way, always living alone until Jon. (Which is when I discovered that living with someone is MUCH more fun than living alone.)

I went back to school so that I could advance in/pursue something I really love vs. just working to live (as I had been doing). I always knew I would do this, I just didn’t know when/how.

After much serious debate that resembled conversations one would have when considering parenthood, we got a dog. Turns out this was one of the best ideas of the decade.

I got married. The best idea. Absolutely no doubt – despite my ambivalence about the necessity of the legal contract, in general.

I bought a house. With someone.

I sold the car I’d been driving for almost 10 years and bought a new one. This was surprisingly harder than I thought it would be because that car was the first thing that was fully paid for by me/all mine.

I lost 80+ pounds.

I traveled a ton.

Today really feels like the monumental day to celebrate – the last one of a decade of really great things.

My 30′s? Wide open. I mostly know what the next year will look like, but after that? No idea. I’m totally ok with that now.

I feel as if I’m very, very lucky to be where I am as I enter this new decade. My life is such a fun adventure.
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I guess I’ll suck it up and get rid of the bread now that I’ve eaten the last tomato.

Breakfast:

And now that I’ve had a PB&J, a forsaken love.

Lunch:

It likely would’ve been a very bad idea for me to not leave the house at all today – so we went out to dinner.

The theme? Hot & spicy.

I have not been handling this free week in TN very well – and it’s just Monday, I know.

I don’t do well with aimless time. There’s a reason I worked right up to just about the day we moved.

The recent free time in MI was ok because I was very busy with unpacking and shopping and doing fun stuff here and there. Here? I have nothing to do. The house is half empty. I don’t even have a regular tv. Or cable/satellite. It’s practically archaic.

Sitting around with nothing to do? Misery.

I – at least – have Jon’s kindle to keep me occupied. And the Internet. So … I guess it’s not TOO archaic. STILL.

I just function better under pressure. In school. With a job. With direction/structure. With a reason to think.
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My breakfast this morning = leftover (from Jon’s dinner last night) pork + green beans dumped from a can and microwaved for a few seconds.

My lunch = a turkey + cheddar + tomato + mayo + sourdough sandwich.

It was prompted by this very pretty tomato – ate the whole thing.

I’ve been on a bread buying/sandwich eating kick lately for some reason. I swear it’s like crack. The sourdough loaf was purchased on Saturday because my stomach was hurting and I wanted plain toast, but I’m going to have to suck it up and break the habit. For real.

I ate some ginger snaps sometime mid-afternoon, but I think my ginger snap phase is over. They just weren’t overly appealing this time around.

Jon threw together a quick stir-fryish dinner.

Not pictured: mushrooms.

The final version:

Very, VERY good.

I’ve had a photo collage frame hanging on a wall with the fake family pictures in it since it was given to me for Christmas. I knew where I wanted to hang it, I just haven’t had the subsequent motivation to find pictures to put in it.

A quick picture finding trip through flickr this morning brought me to this:

I swear I am shocked each and every time I look at pre-2008 pictures.

We have physically changed so much.

I’m tempted to fill the frame with these pictures because DAMN do they prompt motivation and a resurgence of I Can Do It.

(And a little bit of guilt since I sat around in my pajamas looking at pictures while Jon went to workout.)
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Looking through all of my sets of pictures helped solidify the realization that I have done a ton of stuff throughout the whole weight loss process. I’ve been on multiple vacations and trips and I’ve enjoyed many holidays and celebrations and periods of stress – in other words, LOTS of blips – and I’ve been successful.

I really and very truly believe that incorporating weight loss into my life vs. making it my entire life has been what’s led to my success.

I’m going on 3 years and I’m still not done, but I think the lesson I’ve taught myself – that I CAN lose weight and maintain a healthy weight while enjoying life the way I want to enjoy it – has been invaluable.

I honestly believe that all past weight loss failure has been a result of trying to make myself something/somebody I’m just not.

I love food – and I’m going to eat junk here and there – and I’m going to happily embrace birthday cake and brownies and nachos and dinners out that are a result of stress/exhaustion.

I’m slowly learning – over and over and over – that it’s all about balance.

I still don’t know what I’m doing or what’s best or how I’m going to lose the last 30 pounds, but I’m feeling like I need to work harder on embracing the mindset I adopted at this beginning of the whole thing – one day at a time, no plans, no goals, just see what happens. Obviously it worked.

Today’s been rushed and sort of crazy – but good.

We had several things we needed to accomplish before leaving for TN – one of which was to eat a couple of chicken breasts that had been sitting in the refrigerator all week waiting to be eaten. I was alone most of the week and never felt like cooking them, so Jon got around to it at 6:30 this morning.

I wasn’t really excited about eating chicken that early in the morning (AT ALL), so I waited a few hours.

I ate just half of the chicken – at most – so I grabbed some yogurt + cheese to take with me while we ran some errands.

NOT a fan of the yogurt. I am pretty loyal to one brand/type – Brown Cow Cream Top Vanilla – and I have a really hard time finding it. I bought this little new brand to try it out since it’s pretty prevalent and easier to buy. Not going to work out, though. I ate maybe 1/3 of it and remembered why I don’t buy low-fat stuff/this brand.

Jon picked up lunch as I packed. This is the “lunch for 2″ from a place near our apartment:

We ended up eating some for lunch and then eating it again for dinner as we drove. It was sort of messy to deal with in the car – but it was very good – no way was I going to waste it.
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We’re definitely going to have to work toward finding our food in MI. The yogurt issue, meat, etc … we need to find sources for all of it. We had worked out a perfect – and very simple – method for obtaining everything. Now? No idea.

Whole Foods will cut it for some things, but not all. And Trader Joe’s? I read about it constantly, but I don’t get the love. Most everything is as highly processed as anything found anywhere else – and we couldn’t determine a source for the meat. Maybe we’re missing something?

We’re going to have to find a farm for our meat + eggs … and a grocery store that carries my yogurt … and a grocery store that carries Jon’s yogurt (he asked a Kroger employee if they ever carry Fage Total and she seriously told him that it will kill him – that he might as well eat a candy bar. So, no.) … and a grocery store that carries our red sauce (meaning no sugar) … and GD do we sound crazy.

I guess I hadn’t realized just how atypical our buying habits had become.

(I thought I published this last night, but apparently I didn’t. So this is a day old.)

Down to 186.5 today (Wednesday). I’m down 4 pounds since I ended the restaurants on Sunday. Crazy.

I almost wish I’d had to work a little harder because it will be very easy for my mind to creep toward thinking future (substantial/more than one day) blips are ok since they’re so easy to overcome – which means there’s potential for them to become more frequent – which means they might move from blips to total lack of control. Or maybe none of that will happen since I’m aware of it. Or maybe I’m a crazy over-thinker.
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Breakfast happened very early this morning. I added some cereal (oatmeal squares) to my eggs because I was craving sugar/carbs in a serious way and had this on hand.

Lunch was a sandwich made from everything I had in the refrigerator – turkey, cheddar cheese, hummus, lettuce and an avocado – on rye. Too many strong flavors or something (which is usually not a problem). I had to take the avocado off and didn’t eat the bread that had the hummus on it, either.

Plus some nuts.

Jon brought home a take-out feast since he’s been traveling and since I was feeling too lazy to cook anything. It was good – and we have enough left for a couple more meals.

They gave us some sort of (warm and doughy) bread. I ate one of them, of course.

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The dining room area of the apartment has a wall of mirrors. Seems weird to me.

It has the potential to drive me crazy since I have what some might believe to be a slightly exaggerated startle response to some things. I don’t like random people (OR reflections) popping up out of nowhere (OR my dining room when I’ve forgotten the potential is there), so a wall of mirrors isn’t something I’d fund on my own should I need to decorate a place.

Upside? I can stare at myself all day. And attempt to perfect the art of shitty self-portraits every time I take pictures of food.

Sunday – 190.5.
Yesterday – 189.0.
Today – 187.5.

So I guess I’m losing it almost as quickly as I gained it. I think I sometimes forget that I need to keep the big picture in mind. A few blips here and there aren’t going to cause lasting damage unless they become consistent.
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I spent the day at school yesterday (participating in a pre-orientationish thing – they’re orienting the hell out of me/making sure I meet people, no doubt – and I’m very grateful) before going to CrossFit. Lesson reinforced – I do NOT like exercising in the late afternoon (or anytime at night for that matter). I was tired and I was hungry and my stomach started hurting almost immediately and the place was packed (which was overwhelming) and I just don’t do well with those circumstances. I am on track for 5:30 and 6 AM for the rest of the week thank GOD.

This whole CrossFit thing is WAY out of my comfort zone. I’m scared every time I go. I don’t know what I’m doing. I suck at it. I’m weak. It’s intimidating. It’s effin’ HARD. The one up here is much larger than what I was becoming accustomed to, so that’s different – makes the competitive nature MUCH MORE intimidating. Like, a LOT more. And I’m not even participating in the regular classes yet.

I’ll get over it all, but I will admit that I dread going each and every time. I like it – and I feel as if it’s good for me and will be good for me long-term – but there’s a lot of fear going on.

Sticking with what I know and what I’m comfortable with got me to 272 pounds, though, right?
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Eggs and (some of this) cantaloupe for breakfast.

I skipped lunch because I was busy and wasn’t feeling too hungry.

I was on my own for dinner, so I ate leftover (from a couple of nights ago) sauce (plain) + a small salad with some hummus on top. I ate the same thing last night.

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Things I’ve learned lately:

Some people will stare and not respond upon hearing “y’all” … and it will seem as if they don’t know what the hell is being said.

I could – theoretically – legally purchase marijuana here should I develop extreme nausea or fatigue or random pain, according to the signs I’ve seen. Had no idea.

There are toilets that I’m supposed to flush one direction for “liquid waste” and another for “solid waste” … complete with diagrams and lengthy instructions.

I think we’re FINALLY getting close to being back in the swing of normal life. We’ve had a crazy couple of weeks and have been to Knoxville and back in the past few days (since I last posted) – and will be going back again soon – but after THAT, I am here for good and will hopefully be settled.

We just did the large grocery shopping for the first time today. So, yeah – LOTS of crap eating. We’ve had pizza delivered multiple times and have been living on take-out stuff and other things that I normally would never touch – and some things I likely shouldn’t have ever introduced to myself. Reese’s cereal (purchased on kid request)? BAD IDEA. I ended up throwing away almost an entire box just to get it out of here.

We went out to breakfast this morning, but I was determined to end the restaurant eating after that – and we did.

My breakfast = an open sandwich that included fried eggs, tomato, spinach, salsa, sour cream and cheddar cheese.

Lunch = a (sort of small) sandwich that was turkey, hummus and lettuce on a pumpernickel roll + an orange.

Dinner = asparagus + sauce (doctored with chicken sausage + onion + peppers) + a small salad + half a challah roll (I’m going to have to stay out of the bakery area of the stores, obv) .

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My sweet husband has been very kindly assembling a bunch of furniture since we got back yesterday.

I seriously had NO IDEA this stuff would come with so many pieces and parts. He has the patience of some kind of saint.

We’ve decided to call this one “quirky” vs. “assembled improperly” for now.

The dog has been taking it in stride. He has windows, so he’s happy.

We apparently live next door to a baby, though – something he’s never heard. AND we live near some people who cook some seriously good smelling stuff seemingly all day, every day. He’s been spending time running around sniffing the air, but he’s been ok about stopping the baby barking.

We had a minor catastrophe on the way back to MI yesterday, but otherwise – he’s been great about all of the time spent in the car, too.

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I weighed this morning: 190.5. I went back and looked and found that July 27 was the last day I ate what I consider to be “normally.” I weighed 185.5 that day.

Given the crap/larger volume I’ve been eating … and given that I was complaining about having gained six pounds almost immediately into this … and given that I’ve exercised just twice … and given the general stress of moving and going back and forth and buying furniture and all that? I’ll take just 5 pound gain. That’s nothing in my world.

Back to CrossFit tomorrow.

I totally lied when I said I was going to make a stronger effort to take pictures and think about what I’m eating. I could say that I’ve tried – but I really haven’t tried that hard. It doesn’t take too much effort to just DO IT – and I obviously haven’t … so …

I think we’ve eaten just two meals at home so far this week, but I made it to the CrossFit appointment on Tuesday and went again this morning – so I’m doing SOMETHING to prevent the downward slide. (I am a total effin’ genius for scheduling that in advance, btw. There’s no way in hell we would’ve made the time had I not done that. Best idea EVER.)

The move went smoothly on Monday. We’re still living in chaos – which is not AT ALL good for my sanity and 100% unlike me – but I’m rolling with it without too much angst (until next week) since we have Jon’s daughter + her friend here and are trying to balance the move + fun. I feel like I haven’t had time to breathe.

The scale is still in a box so I have no idea what’s going on there. My pants still zip – so I’m good. For now.

Random pictures:

My sweet boy next to me in the passenger seat on the long drive to MI.

Again.

First breakfast at home (this morning).

We went to Grand Haven, MI today.

We were kinda bored. Well – I was kinda bored. I’m not really a beach person. I just took pics and inundated people with texts until it was time to go.

And ate ice cream.

Hopefully I will have some normalcy very soon. I am VERY happy to be here and very excited and all that, but I am well beyond ready to have my life back in order.

And a bed. I would like to have a bed soon.

So I can’t lose a pound to save my effin’ life, but just a few days of eating MARGINALLY outside of the norm and I’m up SIX pounds. Seriously. Since Tuesday. Almost a pound a day. How the hell does that even happen? I know – without a doubt – FOR SURE – that my caloric intake is nowhere near high enough to support that.

I didn’t even have to weigh myself to know – and didn’t until today – I can just feel it.

I’m not too worked up about it – and I know it’s not lasting – but it’s somewhat frustrating to feel so bloated and crappy when I’ve gone just two days with no exercise and maybe 4 or 5 with an increase in what I would consider “junkier” food (meaning we have no groceries so we’re eating almost every meal out somewhere).

In my pissier moments, it feels very unfair that I have to work so fucking hard to not gain substantial amounts of weight – but yet haven’t seen anything else positive from that hard work in MONTHS. In my more rational moments, I just … still feel pretty pissed, I guess.

My body seems to very quickly revolt if I eat anything outside of the norm.

I think I’m going to make more of an effort to photograph/blog my food from now on (meaning starting tomorrow) despite being pretty busy – no goals or plans or experiments, though, as I said – I just think it would be good to think about it a little more. I know there’s a good chance I’m eating more than I’m aware of since I’m mindlessly eating whatever we decide to pick up – so I want to be more mindful.

I made an appointment with a CrossFit gym in MI for Tuesday, so there should be very little lapse there. Also? The apartment has a brand new fitness center + my job (that starts in a few weeks) has a weight room that I am free to use during certain times of the day. No excuses as far as exercise goes.

I will be SO glad to get back to my normal routine.
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Anyway.

We’re ready to go! The truck is loaded, my car is loaded, the house is spotless and our last minute stuff is sitting by the door. We had some drama yesterday when we learned that uhaul didn’t have a truck for us (for today) despite our reservation, but that was resolved last night when they called to let us know that they’d found one. There was slightly MORE drama when we arrived at uhaul this morning and learned that the employee with the key didn’t show up – and learned that there were a ton of people (with reservations) without trucks yesterday. We waited about an hour and twenty minutes for the employee to show up so we’d be first in line – and he did – and it all worked out. Good thing, too, because I seriously would’ve lost my mind had a truck not been available and this move been postponed.

I am SO READY to get on with it. I’m serious when I say I really like my routine.

I’m just really excited, in general, too. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m doing this – others I am just so excited I can’t stand it.