So … yesterday I was crying on the phone to Jon telling him that I’m going “home” – whatever that is. Today? I’m feeling better.

I spent the day at another school thing where I met a bunch of people, so that helped – a LOT. I was talked out by the end of it and really wanted to sit on the dang bus home in peace and not talk or otherwise have to be engaged – but I love people. I need to be out having people talk to/at me – until I’m ready to be done, of course.
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A person in my (relatively small) group today happened to be extremely overweight. I’m guessing 450+.

We were sitting on flimsy, no-arm, rolling, trendy chairs – and this person’s chair just suddenly snapped off and broke and the person hit the ground and fell back into the wall, pulling the table with them.

The whole room gasped and turned, of course, and several people jumped up to help while others adamantly asked what happened. I just sat there horrified for that person – and wishing everyone would SHUT THE HELL UP and not force the person to say OUT LOUD – as they’re STRUGGLING TO GET UP and obviously almost physically CAN’T – that the chair broke.

It was bad.

PSA: Do not force a person – especially an extremely obese person who was sitting perfectly still on a small/cheap piece of shit chair and then suddenly hit the ground – to explain WHAT HAPPENED. Damn. Have some sense and try not to add to the humiliation, ok?

Or maybe I’m projecting? All I know is it left me tearful and sad and feeling like I wanted to hug the person because their body language read utter humiliation like I’ve never seen.
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I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and came home with these:

I noticed that I spontaneously smiled when I walked into the grocery store and saw all of the flowers on display. Half the price of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (seriously) – and they produced the same result, if not better – no guilt that I inappropriately used food to cheer myself up.

(I didn’t realize until I got home that I don’t have a vase here.)
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I actually prepared a meal for myself tonight that involved knives and bowls and did NOT involve the microwave.

I read about primal chicken nuggets somewhere, but the recipe had a bunch of crap that I didn’t want to deal with – so I didn’t even bother to bookmark it. I decided (on a whim, in the grocery store) to create my own tonight, though, so I bought 2 chicken breasts and came home and did it.

I cut up one of the breasts (and learned I was too lazy to deal with the second, so I froze it) and dipped them in milk + egg (because I think that’s how my grandmother does fried chicken? I have no idea where I got that). Then I rolled them around in an (unmeasured) almond flour + parmesan cheese + pepper + garlic + salt combo. Baked.

It was surprisingly easy. I might do it again.

For a long time, the top search here was “philly cheesesteak” which – while odd – is understandable since I’m sure I’ve eaten one (or many) of them. Today, though, it looks like someone arrived via a search for “unbuttoned pants don’t fit -pregnant, -maternity, -bella.”

That prompted me to google to find out the importance of “bella” as it relates to pregnancy and I learned – after wading through a bunch of Twilight stuff – that this BellaBand situation is some sort of genius idea that should TOTALLY be marketed to people gaining/losing weight and going up/down in sizes. Or maybe just to people like me whose weight goes straight to the stomach? I swear I’m considering buying one just so I can unbutton my pants after big meals.
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I skipped breakfast this morning because we had no eggs and I didn’t feel like eating anything else. Apparently I’m stuck in some sort of egg phase – nothing else seems appealing.

Unfortunately, though, running an errand and then taking my mom to the airport put me at noon arriving at the fitness center to work out – on a completely empty (well, full of coffee) + growling stomach. Eating lunch prior to going would’ve required a several hour wait – and I knew I’d lose motivation as the day progressed – so I just went while hungry. It wasn’t so bad, but the walk home afterward was a little shaky. I should have planned better.

I ate lunch as soon as I got home – a salad + a spinach/garlic chicken sausage.

My mom bought a bag of peaches the other day from a farm stand we passed on the side of some highway in the middle of nowhere (near Kalamazoo, MI) – so I had one of those, too.

Dinner was quick and simple (and a little weird, I know) – Amy’s beans and rice burrito + tuna (mixed with a little mayo) with melted provolone on top.

After dinner – a few ginger cookies with PB on top.

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I miss my mom. And my husband. And I’m homesick for a home I was eager to leave not too long ago.

My mom has been visiting since sometime last week, so the weekend has sort of been a blur of showing her around here (if you can call it that – I basically have no idea where I am most of the time), traveling to visit people in other parts of MI, and laziness.

Practically everyone I’ve met has told me to go to Zingerman’s Deli, so we took my mom on Friday, maybe? I had never heard of it prior to deciding to move here – apparently it’s very popular.

Jon and I split a reuben + some sort of turkey sandwich + two different kinds of pickles.

At some point, I went to the Mediterranean place that’s dangerously close to my house and ordered the veg combo.

My laziness FAR outweighs my desire to eat w/r/t cooking, but put me smack in the middle of restaurants that are cheap + easy + Jon gone? Dangerous.

I don’t know what happened between then and last night, but that’s all I have (and remember, excepts some salads here and there) until this:

I went to the store and bought flour and sugar and cookies and all sorts of the evil things that I usually avoid having in my cabinets and convinced my mom to make banana pudding (minus meringue because I don’t have a mixer/don’t like it).

She wrote down the recipe, but I think I’m going to have to throw it away. It’s bad enough that I already have an established take-out/delivery menu drawer – I definitely don’t need a recipe to bug Jon about.

This whole egg recall is a little irritating – even though we buy our eggs from local farms that aren’t part of the recall – primarily because it has forced me to think about cooking my them a little more than I’d normally prefer. Because I’m paranoid.

I doubt I’ll keep it up for long. I really like runny yolks.

Lunch was quick and simple.

Mostly because I was eager to get to this.

Damn Ikea. I hate that place – when I don’t love it.

My sweet husband cooked dinner, as usual. We had planned to take my mom out to dinner, but none of us really felt like going anywhere.

Today has been super lazy. The highlight was getting a library card, starting a new book and taking a long nap (with the windows open because the weather is FABULOUS).

I weighed this morning: 185.0.

184.5 is the lowest I’ve been, so I’m pretty happy that my summer of stress is ending on such a positive note – virtually no change, yeah – but for a lifelong stress/emotional eater who is ending a summer of high stress and is about to start a new school/program/job? That’s a win.

I’m somewhat surprised that I’ve been able to pull this off. Honestly, though, I don’t think I give myself enough credit for my altered/reduced portions, the exercise, or the general BALANCE that I’ve achieved that has allowed me to deal with high levels of stress and come out (mostly) on the other side unscathed.
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Breakfast this morning = eggs, lightly toasted (really, just warm) rye, fruit + yogurt.

My mom flew up from FL to visit – and arrived around lunchtime – so we went out to lunch together. Mine = (according to the website) grilled turkey pastrami, Applewood smoked bacon, artichoke hearts, red onions, fresh bruschetta tomatoes relish and a creamy pesto spread. Plus zucchini fries.

Jon made dinner for us. Turkey sausage, spinach, mushrooms, peas, onion, parmesan cheese. We used to eat this pretty regularly with bow-tie noodles, but they’re not even missed anymore.

Jon made breakfast this morning. 2 fried eggs, a couple of pieces of pancetta, and (I had) very lightly toasted rye w/butter.

Lunch was leftovers again. A salad + the tapenade + leftover chicken from last night + the last of the red sauce/stew stuff.

And some cheese.

I ate a snack between lunch and dinner – probably 1/4c yogurt, walnuts, blueberries, 1/2 a banana.

I opened up another snack between grocery stores – very close to our general dinner time – so that I would remain sane in the last one and not want to buy every sugary item in sight.

Dinner happened late because of the aforementioned grocery shopping. Chips + ground turkey + pepperjack cheese + olives + Fage + homemade guacamole.

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We decided to do our workout during Jon’s lunch this afternoon, so he figured out what we’d do (Mark Sisson’s first Workout of the Week) – and we did it. We briskly walked about a mile to a nearby park, Jon marked 50m, and I went first: 12 minutes of cycles of 50m sprints, 10 squat jumps, 10 pushups.

Then we walked the mile back home.

I would so totally suck at being a trainer. I am much more inclined to want people (especially Jon) to STOP doing things that look painful/hard. I’m all “take a break! are you ok? just do them on your knees! just stop!” and he’s just … not that. Which is very good. But I have no filter with him as I’ve had with trainers, so I guess it’s good he doesn’t get offended easily at things like me yelling at him that I KNOW he is LYING that I have MORE time left for F’s SAKE.

Like I said earlier, I skipped breakfast today. Just didn’t feel like eating. 3 cups of coffee, though, had me shaking and jittery. I’ll likely never learn.

Lunch was a basic salad with kalamata olive tapenade mixed in (vs. oil/vinegar or a dressing of some sort, not in addition to). I really liked this – and learned that a little goes a long way – so I think I’ll do it again.

I also had some of the leftover stuff Jon made last night.

And an orange.

Jon roasted a whole chicken for dinner.

He coated it with a seasoning he frequently uses – LOVE it.

I steamed some asparagus to go with it.

Very simple dinner.

I am craving sugar like CRAZY since I’m coming off of my cupcake/pie high, but I’m resisting buying ice cream. Barely. Mostly because I’m too lazy to drive to the store.
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We’re on our way out to take a walk before it gets dark. It’s just 73 degrees out there right now (vs. almost 90 at home). I might need a coat.

Well, in keeping with my general food/exercise wishy-washyness, we’ve decided to stop going to the CrossFit gym here (in MI). I have several reasons – but it largely boils down to one thing: it’s fucking expensive. Like, seriously. Like, our combined monthly membership would’ve been more than I pay for my car. I knew that going in since we’re not brand new to it (though learned that it’s more expensive here) – but it very quickly became hard to justify such a large chunk of money when the reality of trying to maintain two different households in two different states hit. I’m perfectly willing to pay to maintain good health – but for now – paying for CrossFit would’ve meant ramen for every meal … and that just doesn’t seem rational.

We’re both disappointed, but Jon will be able to continue in TN when he’s there – and we’re going to try to keep it up on our own using the workout the TN location posts on their website each day + the free fitness area we have available to us (with modifications if we can figure them out, of course, since that fitness area doesn’t quite resemble a CF gym). If I’m being totally honest – I’m worried that I will struggle because I SO need the motivation that comes from peer pressure (or an obligation to keep an appointment) to push myself. I’m not worried that I’ll completely stop exercising, but I’m worried that I’ll flounder as I did when I stopped with the trainer.
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I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this – and doubt that I have because I generally don’t like to discuss WLS for fear that I’ll offend someone – but here’s the situation: There are two very distinct things that pushed me to start exercising/to clean up my diet/to lose weight. 1) I was horrified that I couldn’t walk around my hilly campus without dying and was disturbed that I was feeling the effects of obesity at such a young age, which led to 2) attending a weight loss surgery seminar/info session where I began the initial steps leading to surgery.

I obviously didn’t go through with the surgery, but I truly believe that seminar was the turning point. I was desperate and it seriously pissed me off to think I couldn’t do it on my own. That anger at feeling like I needed to take such drastic measures to get my life under control gave me motivation unlike any I’d EVER had.

I overheard some women at the seminar talking about second mortgages and borrowing money from various family members to pay the surgery costs – and I thought about how much money I’d have to invest (since my insurance didn’t cover it) – and I heard people talking about how they’d spent 7 and 8 months fighting with their insurance companies – and I read all the boards and discussions about people struggling to work out their eating issues despite the surgery and puking all the time and dying and never being able to eat certain things – and I thought FUCK THIS.

I knew I needed to work on the mental/emotional aspect of eating, but I didn’t want the associated financial or medical drama. I needed to figure out how to get my food/emotional eating under control without that sort of crutch (or tool or whatever you want to call it) – for myself. I just needed to win the eating battle completely on my own for reasons that I still don’t fully understand.

Point is – I know I didn’t do the whole thing completely on my own. I just chose a different crutch and invested my money in a personal trainer and gyms and and lately, CrossFit. Today, I’m feeling sort of like I did after that seminar, though – like I HAVE to figure out how to be successful at the exercise half of the situation without a crutch – like I need to prove that I CAN do it on my own – like it’s ridiculous that I contemplated some drastic financial measures yesterday just to be able to continue paying large sums of money for a gym.
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It’s 11:40a and I haven’t eaten yet today, but I have pictures from yesterday that I never got around to posting because we were in deep discussion about money and goals and life and gyms and food and disappointment and choices.

Breakfast = standard. A little bit of yogurt + fruit, eggs and bacon.

Lunch was quick and easy because we were busy catching up on everything that we put on hold while we were gone last week. I had a frozen Amy’s enchilada + black bean + corn thing.

Jon cooked dinner – a pot of chicken, peppers, onion, mushrooms, kalamata olive tapenade, tomatoes, garlic, red wine, spices of some kind and likely other things I’m forgetting. We contemplated buying rice or noodles since this was sauceish, but decided to forgo additional carbs and eat it as-is (as a stew of some sort, I guess?) with a loaf of bread he picked up.

We’re eating at our dining room table on a regular basis now, but only because this place is so tiny we can still watch tv while we eat – which I think is TOTALLY awesome multi-tasking.

I’m thinking it’s probably a tad obsessive to start a spreadsheet for the upcoming season, huh? Problem is, the cable DVR holds WAY less than our previous one and god forbid we prioritize inappropriately and miss something important.

I weighed today. 186.5 – exactly what it was the last time I weighed (a little over a week ago, I think). I’m ok with that since I expected a slight gain after a week of sloth in TN. I feel very shitty, though. Bloated. Probably because of the 1/2 dozen cupcakes we just finished off last night.

Jon’s mom flew up to MI and met us as we arrived back – so we spent today walking around and looking at stuff (when it wasn’t raining).

We ate breakfast out. I had breakfast stew (just about every “breakfast” item tossed together) + an English muffin.

We didn’t eat again until late afternoon – 3:30p – since breakfast was sort of large, so we ended up spontaneously choosing a nearby seafood place after finding our place of choice wasn’t yet open for dinner.

Jon’s mom took pictures. I’m the one who chose the junk (crab cake sandwich + fries). Jon had paella. She had some sort of fish + cherries + vegetables.

(Isn’t he the cutest effin’ thing EVER?)

We went to a grocery store (where I found both of our yogurts, so crisis over – for now) and ended up leaving with a cherry pie.

So that was dinner.

I totally deserve diabetes.

I’m happy to be back and ready to get on with life here.

Today has been a fabulous day. I feel very loved.

And not just because Jon came home with this:

I spent the day cleaning/vacuuming out the car, thrift store shopping, pulling weeds, talking on the phone, and reading. Not exactly how I spent my 20th, but not bad at all. Perfect, really.

I chose an Italian place that I really love for dinner.

It’s always dimly lit – and tonight was no exception – so no picture. Too bad, because it was FABULOUS. I had a crab stuffed portabella mushroom on top of risotto + cream sauce + spinach.
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I ate just one other meal today – breakfast. I skipped lunch because nothing we have on hand appealed to me, which likely meant I just wasn’t hungry. I think some of my hunger signals are still (maybe permanently?) screwed up.

I added some melted dark chocolate to my yogurt + strawberries + walnuts today just because I could.

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I have no idea how many calories I’m eating each day since I’m still functioning under my self-imposed ban on dwelling. I also have no idea what my weight is doing since the scale is in MI. I’m ok with both.

What I’m NOT ok with is the fact that I haven’t exercised since last week. I have not been active at ALL while I’ve been at home in TN. I’ve mostly been sitting around reading, which – while fun – should be balanced with some activity. But … it’s just hasn’t been so far. I’m going to have to do SOMETHING tomorrow – even if I just walk quickly/jog around the neighborhood.

I have no excuse. I’m sure I will DIE come Monday morning when I’m back at CrossFit.

Unless the sugar does me in first.
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Edited to add: Jon will probably be embarrassed by this, but he has ONE PACK ABS now. Almost 2! He consistently weighs more than me these days (a previous source of competition between us), but it’s because he’s becoming hard as a rock. I’m jealous.