Well, I’m feeling pretty calm today. The pendulum swung and I might actually be feeling some genuine excitement that isn’t laced with fear.

I’m ready to get this show on the road.
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Today was a pretty typical day.

Eggs were scarfed down as I quickly packed my lunch and headed out the door for work.

I ate my standard mid-morning snack around 11.

Lunch was quick because I didn’t have time to deal with much this morning.

I ate a few almonds here and there, too, as I felt hunger. I try to limit nuts because I can very easily do some serious caloric damage with them and I’m well aware of that. I probably shouldn’t have even taken them to work but my lunch wasn’t sufficient and I knew it when I packed it.

Dinner was quick because I was feeling sore and tired and didn’t feel like dealing with it. My sandwich = some (toasted) bread that we bought for the kids a while back + turkey + provolone + 1/2 an avocado + a little bit of mayo + lettuce + onion.

I feel like the entire day has been rushed and that food has subsequently been a complete afterthought.
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I was watching Jillian’s show last night – the one about a woman who lost weight (via gastric bypass) and then apparently gained it back. They didn’t really provide details – it was very vague – but it prompted me to think about my own current, past, and potential future behavior – and to worry a little, as usual.

I have very vivid (and relatively recent) memories of stopping at McDonald’s each and every night (that Jon was out of town, which was very often) to pick up a big mac + large fries + large coke. Standard routine – sometimes 5 nights a week – with some variation, of course.

Right now, I’m generally appalled that I was ok to live that way. Right now, I can’t remember why I thought it was convenient. Right now, I honestly can’t think of a less appealing dinner. Right now, I think about the grease and the stomachache and the general lack of nutrition and think that I’m justified in feeling appalled. Two years from now? I don’t know what I’ll feel, think, or do. I strongly doubt I’ll be sitting at a drive-thru weighing 272 pounds – BUT – I’ve been there … so … I guess anything’s possible?

SCARY thought. Seriously.

(I kind of feel shitty for thinking/saying that because I was perfectly happy – it’s not like it was some awful thing – and I do NOT intend to be judgmental about this – but I want my current active/healthier life. Forever, please. More and more, I’m finding that I’m happier being in control of my eating/coping/life.)

I’m a never-say-never person, but I very seriously hope I never wind up back where I was. Won’t be the end of the world, I’m sure, but I can’t imagine losing what I’ve worked so hard to gain.

So here’s the deal: I don’t think it’s the actual move that’s stressing me out so much. I’m a little freaked about leaving my comfortable life here, but what I’m REALLY worked up about is the cost of the whole shebang.

I am cheap. I live in a small house and drive a very affordable car and have no credit cards and just generally panic about/avoid debt.

I got the move-in information/cost sheet for my apartment this morning and just about had a heart attack. Jon’s all “live in the moment!” and I’m feeling like that’s fine – except I never want one of those “moments” to be at the gd mission because I can’t afford to live. Worst-case? Yes – but what’s new?

Jesus. I’m becoming insufferably whiny.
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CrossFit is wearing me out. I like it a lot, but it’s hard. Like, HARD.

Today’s warm-up included a bunch of push presses + kettlebell swings + goblet squats w/the kettlebell + something else I can’t remember (I think). Times 2. Then we rolled around on foam rollers. The metcon (or what I did, anyway) was back squats (65 pounds x 5), 15 push-ups, power cleans (65 pounds on this, too x 5), 15 sit-ups. 5 Rounds. I’m slow – took 15 minutes for me to do all 5 rounds but I swear I thought my arms were going to stop working somewhere around 7 minutes.

Still better than running.

(I have no idea about the videos I linked – if they’re valid or correct or whatever. I just watch them so I might potentially remember what this stuff is day-to-day. This one, though. HOLY SHIT.)
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Breakfast happened right before I walked out the door for work this morning.

Yogurt + blueberries happened mid-morning.

I ate my salad in my car (vs. at my desk, usually) because I’m a moron and needed to charge my phone.

I ate some cantaloupes and grapes sometime during the afternoon before leaving.

Dinner happened at a restaurant on the way to the grocery store. We split 2 + ginger pork.

My small portion of the pork:

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I swear I’m ready for bed right now (at 8pm). Did I mention that it’s HARD to get up and exercise every morning before the sun comes up?

I’ll stop whining one day. Soon. Maybe. I hope.

I’m an emotional fucking mess right now. One minute I’m excited and gung-ho about moving … the next I’m crying and questioning what the hell I’m doing.

I know this is the right thing to do. I KNOW this is going to be a very good thing.

BUT – I drove home from Ann Arbor after my interview on Friday and was so happy to be home … back to an area that’s familiar and comfortable. I think that’s when it hit me that OH SHIT I am leaving in a few weeks and NOT coming back to this familiarity.

Knoxville is not my “home,” really. I’ve lived here just 4 years (though I don’t know how the hell 4 YEARS happened). Realistically, I still need the gps if I wander outside my immediate area … but it’s what I’m currently comfortable with.

On top of that, I think about a new job/internship and a new school and where do I park and where do I buy groceries and where is Target and will I ever have friends and will I hate myself every morning when I have to walk the dog vs. opening the back door … and then my head feels like it might explode.

On top of THAT, we’re not just moving – which seems as if it would be a lot easier. We’re duplicating our household.

BUT – new job! and new school! and new restaurants!

I’m all over the place.

I’ve done this before – the moving to a new city – twice. Alone. And I survived. It’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself thus far. Hopefully I’ll be able to say the same a year from now.

The stress, though! Damn.
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I’ve been bouncing around between 184 and 186 for the past couple of weeks … so I’ve solidly lost a little vs. gaining. Good thing.
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The weekend was good. I drove home from Ann Arbor on Friday and almost immediately fell asleep. Saturday was spent on the couch watching one episode after another of all the reality crap Jon won’t watch. I literally did NOTHING all day except try to get my license renewed (which wasn’t successful because I wasn’t willing to wait in the crazy line). Sunday, on the other hand, was spent doing the hands-and-knees type cleaning and packing and shopping and wholeheartedly preparing for the move.

I have food pictures, but I don’t know that I have the motivation to catch up today. I should – for my own sake. Maybe later.
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I’ve discovered one slight negative re: CrossFit. Calluses are forming.

I went to CF this morning, came home, took a shower, packed some clothes, packed some breakfast and lunch in a cute little cooler I found in our garage …

… and arrived in Ann Arbor 7 and a 1/2 hours later.

I wasn’t really hungry much today so I ended up eating the yogurt + egg for breakfast but just the turkey, cucumbers and one babybel for lunch (as I drove). Still have the fruit and green beans and one babybel in the cooler. It’s sort of odd that my appetite has rapidly decreased as my exercise intensity has increased.

One of my former professors is in town right now, so she picked me up for dinner. We split an artichoke heart + mushroom pizza at Cottage Inn. SO. GOOD. (I brought the leftovers back but have – mostly – resisted so far.) She showed me around some on campus and we talked and had a really great time as just people (vs. professor and student which was previously the deal).

I’m here for just one night – have an interview tomorrow morning before repeating the drive home.

Yes, I’m moving here very soon. This couldn’t wait. Such is life.

I don’t know what happened yesterday (and Monday), but I appear to be fine today. It was a little rocky early this morning – so far, so good, though. So weird.
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I packed both breakfast and lunch today because I wasn’t feeling hungry prior to leaving for work.

I ate the yogurt around 10 and ate the egg around 1.

I ate a salad – spring mix, mushrooms, tomatoes, cucumber, pumpkin seeds, a pickle, some turkey and ginger dressing – around 1:45.

I ate some grapes around 3 and ate the cantaloupe when I got home from work.

I have never been a huge snacker … and have never been fond of eating a bunch of meals (I’m generally a volume eater, not grazer) … but I’m really liking spreading it all out throughout the day.

Jon quickly threw together a shrimp stir-fry for dinner. I initially didn’t eat much because I was leaving to meet a friend for a yoga class at her gym, but I ate a little more (mostly shrimp) when I got home.

Also when I got home? Yogurt + PB + strawberries + blueberries + some melted dark chocolate.

Honestly – this went a lot further re: stress relief than the yoga. Always a work in progress, I guess.

Speaking of stress, the UHaul is rented RESERVED (just realized there’s a difference) and the day is looming. I’m having pretty regular chest pains, but this is a CHOICE, right? Right. I just have to keep telling myself that. Over and over and over.
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I don’t think I realized how fruit-heavy my day was until I looked at all of the pictures.

I feel freakin’ AWFUL. I don’t know what’s going on.

I felt iffy all day yesterday (the reason I ate no lunch). I went to bed last night feeling even worse, but blamed it on the fact that I ate a ton of jalapenos with dinner. (Ton meaning I brought the huge jar with me as I ate dinner and added some to almost every bite despite not having had lunch because my stomach was hurting. I like to live dangerously and/or am insane.)

I woke up this morning feeling even crappier, but got up and went to CrossFit, anyway. I bailed not even halfway through, though – something I don’t think I’ve ever done with any workout – and came home – where I went right back to bed and stayed until 11.

I almost never feel stay-in-bed-all-day sick – and never feel can’t-make-it-to-work sick, but I’ve felt it today. Not fun.

Upside, I’ve caught up on a ton of episodes of 19 Kids and Counting that I’ve had waiting on the dvr. They are my polar opposite, but I just love that shit.
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I ate when I woke up around 11. I had a raging effin’ headache – likely because I hadn’t had the required (or ANY) amount of coffee … but I don’t know.

Since my whole day has been thrown off, I didn’t eat lunch until 3:30. Jon made tuna w/onions and eggs and all that for his daughter to have for lunch so I had some of that on toasted bread with melted Swiss cheese.

I also ate some grapes straight from the bowl.

Dinner was meat sauce (jar sauce + sausage + onion, mushrooms, bell pepper and spices) over steamed asparagus.

We’re home. Great weekend.
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Jon’s mom made blueberry waffles this morning before we left. It seems like I haven’t had waffles (and syrup) in ages. I was a little shaky afterward from the sugar, I think … or maybe it was the large volume of coffee?

Or maybe it was a revolt from the pie + ice cream x 2 + waffles? I don’t know.

I didn’t eat lunch because we were driving home around lunchtime and I just wasn’t feeling like eating. We picked up some groceries shortly after arriving home … so that’s when my body decided to start starving, of course. I had the plastic thing in my hand to scoop some chocolate almonds – but I backed out as I questioned my gd sanity and eventually picked some pumpkin seeds instead.

Jon made a quick dinner for us – baked chicken breast (with a jerk rub and onion on top), steamed broccoli and a baked potato (white for me – with fage and jalapenos, sweet for them).

I’m feeling like I REALLY want sugar since I started that ball rolling this weekend. I was going to have a little bit of yogurt + fruit, but I’ve decided to just cut it off completely and go to bed early. Like now. No need to prolong it.

I feel like I say two things every day: fantastic day! exhausted.

Both are very true.
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Jon and his mom made breakfast this morning – eggs with cheddar cheese, bacon, and a quick caprese salad that she threw together when she brought in some tomatoes (and basil) from her garden.

We didn’t eat much lunch since we were anticipating a large dinner and had eaten a large breakfast – just shared some crackers, cheese and PB.

Jon’s brother had us all over for dinner (plus swimming). He had ribs and corn on the cob – we (Jon’s mom) brought homemade potato salad, baked beans, steamed green beans (Jon’s steam then toss with olive oil, salt and pepper method) and tomatoes.

(It’s apparent I liked it all, huh? I discarded the bones because I have Issues and can’t look at them.)

Oh – AND she made homemade peach ice cream.

I was stuffed and exhausted by the time I got around to eating that ice cream, but I could NOT resist. Didn’t really try.

I’m ready for some food and sleep normalcy. How the hell do people make it past 10pm on a regular basis? I’m a wimp.

Today’s been busy – but very, very good.

We played most of the morning. Jon and I and his oldest son wanted to do something active, so we ate some breakfast on the porch …

… while Jon taught his son and mom about double unders – something he can somewhat do if he’s lucky (me? not so much AT ALL) …

… before the three of us headed out to a nearby park.

His oldest son is a big fan of parkour, so he did his thing (which I would kill myself doing) …

… while we jogged. We seem to have to do short runs pretty frequently at CrossFit – and it’s HARD because it’s uphill – so I’m planning to continue trying to make it easier by adding some jogging at home, too. I’m having a hard time making myself run up hills on my own, though, because it just sucks.

Lunch was a sandwich on an onion roll – OH MY GOD – fresh and doughy and so good … and watermelon.

I also had a piece of coconut creme pie.

We went to a movie (Knight and Day) before stopping at a hibachi place for dinner.

After that, we went to a festival/fireworks thing where I decided that today would just totally be my compromise #2 – so I ate some homemade peach ice cream.

And tasted some chocolate.

Seriously fantastic day. I’m exhausted.

Overall, I’m pretty happy with my food choices given the situation and pretty happy that I made an effort to get out and do something active, even if it was pretty marginal compared to a normal day.

I barely remember yesterday – Friday – but I need to stay on track with the consistency and accountability – SO, I think I ate eggs for breakfast. I completely (and very strangely) forgot to take a picture, but I’m 99% sure.

I met Jon for lunch. We picked up a falafel wrap and a chicken shawarma wrap (restaurant = Mediterranean Delight in OR) and split them – and ate outside at a park since it was a beautiful day.

We drove to Atlanta last night with 3 of Jon’s kids + the dog. We decided to stop at chick-fil-a for dinner and to eat in the car as we drove to 1) make to Atlanta before freakin’ midnight and 2) prevent the dog from having a heat stroke in the car and 3) cut down on the cost of feeding 5 people. I had the usual salad even though it’s a pain in the ass to eat in the car.

Jon’s mom had popcorn and a coconut cream pie waiting for us, but I just laid on the floor and moaned about my aching back.

Today – Saturday – Jon and I woke up at 6 – as usual – WAY before anyone else. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how my life progressed and how (and why) I wound up at 272 pounds – so I’ve spent the free time this morning downloading and uploading a bunch of childhood pictures I asked my mom to send to me.

It’s been fun.

10 months old

3 years old

5 years old

1st grade

Maybe 8 or 9?

Maybe 20? (and probably up to 220, at least)

26 years old (and probably up to 240, at least)

I don’t know. I haven’t come to any conclusions about the weight yet, but it’s been fun to think about life, in general.

And just for the hell of it – Jon is SO effin’ cute.

Back later with food.