I’m turning into the whiniest baby. I’m stressed, I’m sick, I’m fainting, now my back is hurting. It’s ridiculous. So negative lately. I’m working on it.
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The whole fainting thing has me a little freaked me out. It scares me to think that my BP can and will just spontaneously drop without me being aware and capable of preventing it. I don’t like feeling as if I can’t control my actions – I don’t drink (just about at all) or otherwise consume things that would alter my ability to think/act in any way because of this – so the situation is a little IRRITATING, if anything.

I was a little scared to go to CrossFit this morning – which was completely irrational since all fainting has happened as a result of being ASLEEP and not from any sort of physical exertion, but the fear was there nonetheless. I KNOW my heart is healthy and that the fainting is unrelated, but I felt nervous about pushing it.

I tested my BP around lunchtime and found it be 116/75, HR was 62 – so I’m ok.
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Eggs and yogurt + fruit for breakfast.

We have just about NOTHING left in our refrigerator/freezer, so I picked some lunch up while I was out.

I signed up for Panera’s tracking card thing a couple of weeks ago and was “rewarded” with a free pastry – so – what the hell?

I heated it up this afternoon and YUM. Love cinnamon rolls.

Jon and I chose to go out vs. picking up some groceries and cooking. We ordered a huge potato and a basil parmesan chicken salad and split them.

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I didn’t do a damn thing all day (after CrossFit) other than pick up a few things for the move from Target. I mostly hung out on the couch or on the floor with ice (for my back) – always with my sweet boy.

Have I ever mentioned that he follows me EVERYWHERE? He is with us just about constantly – or at a window near us. We looked at so many apartments the weekend we were in MI – I very seriously can’t remember what the place looks like. He is going to be pretty pissed if it doesn’t have an adequate view of something.

So, I spent last night in the ER. That was tons of fun.

I went to bed at 9 (ok, more like 8:30) feeling fine. I woke up suddenly at 9:15 – for a completely unknown reason – with my heart racing and feeling disoriented, but went right back to sleep. Then, I woke up at 9:45 because the dog started barking at some kids outside on skateboards. THEN, I woke up AGAIN at 10:45 with an incredibly overwhelming feeling of nausea and thought I was going to throw up. I woke Jon up to tell him that something was wrong, but the next thing I know, I’m waking up with him over me in a panic with his phone in his hand about to call 911.

Apparently I laid back down after waking him up and then almost immediately went slack – head turned to the side, eyes open, mouth open, the whole nine yards.

I agreed to go to the ER this time but it took a little while to be able to get out of bed because I was really weak + went through the head pounding/sweating/freezing/shaking cycle. I felt pretty shitty, but the nausea was gone by the time we got to the ER – I just felt like I was in a daze + weak.

I had an EKG and a chest x-ray and all that, but I’m fine. The Dr. said it’s likely a neurally mediated syncope, which just basically means common fainting. She thinks my blood pressure/heart rate likely dropped so low that my body responded by shutting me down for a minute.

This the third time I’ve passed out (as an adult) and second time in the past year. I’ve been asleep and have woken up abruptly with intense nausea all three times. I jumped up from bed the first two times, which I thought caused the fainting (and might have). This time, though, I passed out while lying down.

I’m lucky that I stayed in bed this time – the first time it happened I hit a bathroom cabinet on the way down and busted my lip + face and looked like I’d been beaten up + had to go to the dentist because it loosened some teeth. The second time resulted in a bruised/scraped chin.

It scared the ever-loving shit out of Jon. I probably wouldn’t have gone to the ER on my own (this is the first time), but he was pretty disturbed since this happened while lying down and I had appeared to be dead.

I’m working on 3 hours of sleep today, but otherwise – feel fine.
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I’ve been reading that this fainting could be an emotional response to something, so I’m doing some re-examining of how I’m responding to everything that’s going on in my life right now. I don’t FEEL stress, really – and actually just feel really happy and excited – but I have no other way to explain what happened last night, so it’s worth thinking about.

As it relates to weight loss and the stuff I talk about here – I’m giving myself a break from the food dwelling. I’m not counting calories or otherwise creating any kind of weight loss goal until the move is over and I’m settled. I’m not going to go wild, I’m just cutting myself some slack and recognizing that now is NOT the time to add (or keep) diet experiment on my list.

I started the day with a bang.

(They were very kindly brought in because today is my last day, so I opted not to refuse. DAMN have I missed these things.)

This whole weighing the same thing every day situation is starting to become comical. For the past week, I haven’t even fluctuated. It’s EXACTLY the same (185.5) every single day.

I’m very accustomed to fairly dramatic daily fluctuations – even throughout this whole plateau (or whatever the hell is going on) – so I don’t know what to think. It just makes no sense to me that I am not losing a damn thing despite a caloric deficit and 5 days a week of pretty intense exercise.

Part of me wants to go hardcore and plan out every meal for the next month so that I can guarantee low calorie/0 carb/higher protein + fat – and can completely eliminate sugar.

Part of me feels like that’s unrealistic.

Part of me wants to stop worrying about the weight.

Part of me realizes that I will worry about the weight until I can comfortably be one of those “throw away the scale” people who say that from the safety of a healthy weight.

Part of me is REALLY tired of spending so much energy thinking about food.

Part of me really enjoys this hobby and is appreciative of the increased knowledge I have about food + health, in general.

Part of me thinks I should just have a tummy tuck and some lipo and get it over with.

Part of me thinks I am sometimes a little unstable.

Part of me feels extremely discouraged when I read success stories and learn about people who’ve made it to their goal weight in really short amounts of time.

Part of me feels better (in a really petty/unfair way, no doubt) when I read that they’ve never exercised beyond the occasional yoga class.

Part of me wants to do whatever it takes to make this weight loss situation change.

Part of me knows that I’m just not doing whatever it takes.

Part of me thinks I should cut myself some slack since I’m in the midst of moving to a new state to start a new school and new job and should appreciate the fact that I’m easily maintaining a decent weight (and 86 pound weight loss).

Part of me thinks that line of thinking is a slippery slope.

This is hard. I swear it was WAY easier to lose 86 pounds than these last 30.

I don’t know why I can’t find the motivation within to finish what I’ve started.

Then I think – WTF. Seriously! – I am up and exercising every day by 6am. My food choices are very reasonable at least 85% – 90% percent of the time. IT MAKES NO SENSE that I don’t see SOME – even slight – change. Right?

/vent

This move is just weird. We’re having to go through things as if we’re getting a divorce – determining what stuff stays here for Jon and what comes with me. I like the coffee cups with the big handles, so those go, but he likes the small bowls, so those stay. We’re splitting the furniture. Some stays, some goes.

(I’m sure we’ll be at IKEA or someplace else within days of arriving, though, because there’s no way I can survive for long on an air mattress.)

On top of that, the cost of this adventure is creeping up as we discover more and more things that need to stay. We’re having to buy duplicates of all kinds of things that we legitimately need both places – but that we aren’t going to need two of in the future … things like a wireless router + dishes + trash can + iron + shower curtains + coffee pot + bean grinder.

It’s like we’re halfway starting over up there.
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I know I’ve posted some of these before, but I found the 272 one today while packing. I see that I dropped down to 255 after a couple of months, but I know – without a doubt – that it went back up. This is what I base my 100 pound weight loss goal on because it’s the highest recorded weight … so I’m glad I found it and wasn’t remembering incorrectly. I am very sure I was higher than 272 by the time I started actively losing weight this time around (beginning of 2008) – and I SO wish I had weighed myself and written it down.

I also found my first student ID. This was taken over 10 years ago and was probably the last time I’ve been close to the weight I’m at now – though almost surely higher. I’ve been thinking about bangs lately, but I don’t know now that I’ve seen this.

Also found this in an old wallet. No idea, but I must’ve been keeping track of my eating/exercise habits – or at least the start of some plan. I have been worrying about this shit for a LONG time.

I love finding all this stuff that I’ve forgotten about. Problem is, I don’t know what to do with most of it. There would be no question if I was permanently leaving – but I’m not.

BUT – what if someday next month I randomly need this hat I’ve never worn or this shawl that my mother-in-law brought back from Argentina?

It could happen.

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We’ve officially placed a moratorium on grocery shopping so that we can eat everything we have on hand. I think we’ll likely have some strange meals this week.
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Eggs for breakfast again. I’m sort of getting tired of eggs, but I’m not sure what I’d eat in their place.

We had some errands to run mid-morning and I felt like I needed more coffee. I changed my mind at the very last minute – as Jon was telling my order to the box – and got a mocha frapp instead of the usual black coffee. I haven’t had one in ages, but I gave in to the temptation. Was good, of course.

Lunch was a brat + sauerkraut.

I had a snack around 3:30 or so.

Dinner was ribs (coated with a dry rub Jon created – onion powder, garlic powder, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, S&P) + steamed squash.

I’m not really sure I understand how to count the info for the ribs.

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The countdown has begun. I am outrageously excited about this move and everything that’s waiting for me in MI!

I had a hard time at CrossFit this morning. Some days are really good, some are ok, but today? Sucked.

I was tired – this was day #5 in a row – and I don’t know … my mind wasn’t in the right place. I started feeling defeated when I struggled, which led to feeling pissed off (at myself) … then I felt like I might cry (anger/frustration does that to me) … then I felt like I might puke … then I felt like I could NOT lift or squat or otherwise move one more time.

I didn’t do any of those things because crying/puking in public does NOT happen … and quitting isn’t an option for me, either – I just finished the goddamn work despite REALLY wanting to bail. I was a good 5 or 6 minutes behind Jon (and everyone else), but I got it done. And I did the Rx weight for the first time. I don’t feel good about it, though, because – mentally – I was in a very negative place.

BUT – I went to have a TB test just a few hours after CrossFit and was quite surprised when the NP said, “OH! You have a fever.”

So maybe it wasn’t all mental?

This probably explains a lot – most especially why I’ve been so tired and unmotivated/unfocused this week – like to the point that the kitchen is a mess and I don’t care because I’d rather be asleep on the couch after dinner … and to the point that I’ve spent chunks of time at work forcing myself to stop staring into space.

The NP asked what’s going on, but I had/still have no idea. I thought the increase in exercise + stress of moving was making me feel run down. Apparently something else is going on.
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Eggs for breakfast.

I met Jon for lunch near his office since I was out and available.

I freakin’ LOVE bread. I ate the two rolls and Jon ate the cornbread (he loves it, but I’m super picky and will refuse it if it has even one speck of sugar in it because that’s just not right).

We were going to split the salad, but I ended up eating just 3 or 4 bites. The dressing = basil vinaigrette. I generally like croutons, but we picked these off.

Jon had BBQ + green beans + collard greens. I had grilled chicken + green beans + grilled broccoli. The sauce they gave me was some sort of incredibly sweet raspberry glaze – or something. Too sweet. I brought half of my meal home which is something I think I’ve done maybe one other time in my entire life – something’s definitely up today.

Just one of those nights. I’m counting the fact that I got off the couch long enough to ride with Jon to pick this up as a success. Because – you know – in my world, a fever = IMPENDING DEATH.

Seriously, though, how the hell does a lifelong hypochondriac go on about life NOT KNOWING about a FEVER?

Today’s goal: > 50g carbs.

It started ok.

Breakfast = 3 (of 6) eggs (Jon) fried in butter.

My attitude might be softening somewhat toward the Urban Hen People. I’m slowly moving from there-is-no-way-in-hell to maybe-they’re-on-to-something. Half a dozen eggs per day means – obviously – we buy quite a few cartons of eggs.

I’m still not willing to have them in my OWN backyard, but I’d be ok if a neighbor decided to do it and sells the eggs. (Though I’m talking about this like it matters – when it doesn’t – not much time left!)

I decided to cut the typical yogurt + fruit mid-morning snack and went with protein powder + milk instead. I am generally opposed to all things powder because it usually takes research to understand the ingredients and because they typically taste like shit. BUT. It was worth a shot since it’s quick + easy + convenient.

1 cup of milk + ice + 1 scoop.

I was able to drink it.

Lunch was a salad with a little bit of ham and ginger dressing + a babybel.

Late afternoon, I ate 1/2 cup of walnuts.

I was up to 44g of carbs at this point, but I had a plan to eat meat + vegetables and come in right at or just barely above 50 for the day.

BUT – I made the mistake of thinking I could get the prepared meat + vegetables from Earth Fare’s bar – while starving and exhausted – without losing my mind.

The whole thing was disappointing and frustrating because if I’m going to blow a plan I at least want to blow a plan with something GOOD.

The grape leaves were good – I always like those – and happily ate them while I drove home. I didn’t eat the broccoli because it had some mayoish stuff on it that I didn’t want to eat because it was warmish and I’m a freak about food safety. The coleslaw stuff was gross. That fried looking thing? I saw chicken and quit reading. Apparently it said VEGAN chicken … or I misread or something. It was filled with rice. The other two things – the red beans and rice and the edamame – were ok.

My stomach was growling again 20 minutes after I ate that stuff.

Oh, well. I’ll try again tomorrow.
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I don’t know how to count that breaded thing.

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All that stress I was feeling about moving? Gone. I am SO excited. Almost all of the loose ends have been tied up – and my last day at work is just about here – so I’m READY TO GO. This is going to be such a fun experience.

The fact that I haven’t lost all control over this – food-wise – is some kind of miracle. I sort of wonder if my increased dwelling about not losing weight is the new/current coping, but I really just don’t care right now. I’m moving and I’m excited and I doing it all with a healthy attitude toward food/exercise … so I’m good.

Worth reading or listening to:
A Daily Fight To Find Food: One Family’s Story
Eating Nutritiously A Struggle When Money Is Scarce

I somewhat wish the author hadn’t mentioned stuff like the fact that the mom gave the child a water bottle full of orange soda when he was thirsty after a walk … or that he had a popsicle for breakfast … because I wonder if it clouds a relevant issue, opens the door to criticism that might not be fair, and triggers a WTF response in even the most compassionate. But then again – maybe the criticism IS fair? Maybe this IS an issue that deserves a WTF? Maybe it’s not clouding anything at all?
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I’m going to try to work on cutting myself some slack re: my actual weight. I am SO close to achieving my initial 100 pound goal – yet I’m stuck. Every single day I weigh somewhere around 184 – 186.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I’m making myself crazy about something that I ordinarily haven’t been caring too much about – definitely dwelling too much.

I know I should let go of the number and focus on health and happiness and the way my clothes fit and all that, but I can’t deny that I care about reaching this somewhat unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme goal.
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I complain and feel like I’ve been halfheartedly dealing with this plateau forever, but realistically – I’ve lost 13 – 15 or so pounds since about this time last year.

I wrote this in June of last year:

I MADE IT!

Looks like I’ve officially crossed the line. I haven’t been below 200 in at least 8 years.

So that was a decent reality check.

I think I’d forgotten that it wasn’t too long ago that I was struggling to make it below 200 and to sustain that.

I’m past the point of being able to lose 50 pounds in a year – and I know that – but it’s easy to focus only on how quickly I seemed to lose in the past. I’m making a commitment to myself to STOP with the obsessing, though, because 13 – 15 pounds is 13 – 15 pounds – it’s not NOTHING as I claim.

(I LOVE that I’ve kept this blog going past 2 days – my initial goal – because it’s so fun to scroll through the pictures and remember but DAMN does time fly.)
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I added an egg to breakfast – so 3 this morning.

I packed a mid-morning snack – 1/4c yogurt, 1/4c walnuts and a small handful of blueberries.

Lunch was a salad with ginger dressing + 2 leftover turkey burgers that Jon grilled over the weekend.

I ate a babybel while I waited for Jon to cook dinner because I was incredibly hungry. I think it was the first time I’d felt hunger in over a week. I guess my appetite is back.

Dinner was cod + asparagus + a baked potato with some Fage and (jalapenos after I took the picture).

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It’s sort of ridiculous that I can’t pinpoint having done anything of value throughout the weekend – but I can’t. I thought and talked a lot about fatism and fatist behavior (and DAMN I hate both of those terms for no good reason other than I just do), we grocery shopped, I took care of some stuff related to school … and … I don’t know. Nothing. I was in some sort of shitty mood, so I just went with it.

Jon’s been brewing his own beer lately – and made a new batch/pot/whatever – so that occupied a lot of his time/the house. And stank. Seriously.

I negotiated a little kitchen time from him yesterday and actually baked something. Surprising, right?

Flour-less PB cookies – found here.

The recipe passed through my filter because there are just 3 ingredients – egg, cup of sugar, cup of PB. And because I LOVE doughy/moist PB cookies. And because the whole make/bake/eat process promised to take 15 minutes, at most.

I broke it all down and determined that my batch = approximately 95 calories each (5 fat, 6 carb, 2 protein).

Unfortunately, they’re small enough to be dangerously mouth poppable … SO … I ate 3 and sent the rest of the batch home with the kid to get them out of the house.

I know my limits.

The verdict: Good, but not worth 95 calories – to me – since they don’t have much else going for them. They satisfied an immediate sweet craving – that’s all I hoped for.
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I woke up at 5:30 this morning and found that it was raining + my stomach was hurting + I was feeling depressed/anxious about unknown/random things + I was dreading the day ahead + I REALLY didn’t want to exercise. But I went.

It was hard, and I had to pace myself so I wouldn’t puke, but I swear I felt like a totally different person by the time I was done. I actually felt excited and hopeful and capable and just happy – and it was barely 7am.

Same thing happened last Monday, which further confirms what I already know – just 2 days of no exercise/activity has the potential to send me straight to crazy-town.

It’s almost scary how fast it happens.
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I didn’t really care AT ALL about my time for today’s MetCon – despite it being timed – because my personal goal was to just finish it by the 30 minute cut-off.

I did 25 reps of each, Jon did 40 (Rx = 50):

Box Jumps (I think mine was 12″)
Jumping Pull-Ups
KB Swings
Lunges
Knees-2-Elbows (hanging from the bar trying to get knees 2 elbows – this was the most frustrating for me because I could do just 3-5 before dropping from the bar and having to climb back up again)
Push Presses
Back Extensions
Wall Balls (squat, up, throw a big/heavy ball up against the wall, catch, repeat)
Burpees (hate)
Double-Unders (I did regular jump rope but doubled amount to 50)
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I recalculated my caloric need yesterday and found this (when indicating moderate exercise):
To maintain 185, I should eat 2849/day.
To lose 1lb/wk, I should eat 2349/day.
To lose 2lb/wk, I should eat 1849/day.

This seems really high to me. 2849 per day to maintain? I KNOW I don’t eat this – yet I faithfully maintain each and every week.

I don’t think I eat this, anyway.

I’ve been feeling somewhat motivated to count calories for the past few days, so I’m going to give it a shot for the next week to see what I’m actually eating. I must be eating more than I realize? Or not enough. Or something.
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This was yesterday’s breakfast, but I had the same today minus the bacon. Meaning: eggs (fried in butter), as usual.

I said I was going to stop the snack-time, but now (today, anyway) I think I’m just going to focus primarily on calories since maybe I’m not eating enough – so I had the snack-time. In addition to having the snack-time, in general, I fairly significantly increased the amount of yogurt. This is 1/2 cup + blueberries + strawberries. I generally eat just 4-5 spoonfuls of yogurt and about half the fruit.

I had a babybel around lunchtime (another recycled picture).

And some ham – which was a MISTAKE. Way too salty to be eaten alone.

At this point, I was up to approximately 500 calories. Way too low, I know. I had a small can of green beans with me at work, but I just didn’t feel like eating anything else.

Dinner was a baked 8oz chicken breast (with jerk seasoning stuff on it) and steamed (plain, as always) vegetables.

My snack a little later – prunes.

I split a bag of walnuts to freeze – and ate a few as I did that – so I counted a whole serving and I’m STILL at just 1,561 calories.

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE had a problem with not eating enough, but maybe this is it.

I started to post a reply to the comments on the last post … but it turns out I have a lot more just general stuff to say. So, everything here is related (somehow, maybe) to my previous post and comments. Kind of just rambled out.
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I went out to dinner with some friends last night and talked about this with one of them since she had read the entry. She confirmed what Tessie said in the comments about weight-related comments being common and she shared a pretty shocking example: A (young) intern/student once told her that the only people she dislikes are fat people.

Just like that. Just casually dislikes a whole group of people.

The intern/student went on to tell my friend how she was raised by a mom who exercises all the time and is very healthy, etc. So … she apparently “dislikes fat people” too.

My initial reaction: DAMN. Seriously? (And maybe I thought some knee-jerk negative things about the girl and the mom that were unfair.)
The next feeling: Offended.
The next reaction/opinion: They’re probably afraid of becoming fat.
My next feeling: Appalled. (This intern is entering a “helping” profession and I guess I naively – and potentially unfairly – assumed she would at least not say these things OUT LOUD.)
Final feeling: Sadness. For them, for me, for the “fat people” they judge and dislike, for the world, I guess.

The thing is – I very seriously can’t fathom saying or thinking anything of that nature. I can’t comprehend how someone can claim to dislike a group of people based solely on a physical characteristic. I just can’t wrap my brain around that. At all.
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I have weighed close to 300 pounds. I have family members who ride in scooters. I was terrified to fly just a few years ago because I was afraid of the embarrassment that would accompany not being able to buckle the standard seat-belt. I worried about chairs with arms. I’ve been embarrassed when I couldn’t climb stairs without huffing and puffing.

Obesity is very real to me and always will be.

Honestly? It WAS a choice. A very real, potentially self-protecting and just fucking HARD choice that comes about for all kinds of reasons for different people – but yeah, it’s a choice. Do I believe it’s valid one? Yes. Do I believe it comes whimsically? Not hardly. It’s not like I (or anyone else, probably) woke up one day and thought, “I’d really like to be obese – let’s start working on that.” It’s MUCH deeper and way more complex than eating too much and not exercising.
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I see an overweight person and I wonder what complex stream of events led them there and I feel a connection to the struggle they’re potentially facing and I smile and attempt to be accommodating if needed because I recognize that they’re a human being sharing this planet with me who is worthy of respect and courtesy. Choice or not.

What is “fat” … really? It’s just “different,” right?

Maybe it’s something to latch onto when there are no other valid differences to attack?

Maybe it’s easier to attack than embrace because embracing means accepting which means allowing into your life which means OHMYGOD I could be FAT which means I’ll be ugly/unworthy/unloved?

That’s on you (the general fat-fearing/loathing you) – not me. But I understand why it’s easier to externalize.

My self-esteem is pretty healthy – fat or not. Maybe potentially healthier when I was fatter (but that’s a completely different issue for another day).
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As for genetic predisposition? Eh – I am fascinated by behavior and trends amongst families, but I recognize that I know next to nothing about genetics.

I’ll say this: Of the three children in my family, I’m the only fat one.

Both of my brothers have always been very thin and have had to do crazy things like GO TO THE DOCTOR because they can’t/don’t GAIN WEIGHT.

The one that’s closest in age to me = 6′ something and probably 140. Always. We’re alike with the red hair and the green eyes and the tallness, but that’s it.

He looked like this 10 years ago and he looks like this now.

The youngest one is just now – at 21 – starting to appear healthy (i.e. not skeletal).

So what the hell happened to me? Same parents. And let me tell you – they eat PURE SHIT 24/7.

BUT – the general frequency/volume (previously)? Much lower. Their activity levels? Higher. Could they turn down food? Yes. Could they eat one cookie at a time? Yes.

I don’t know. I only know my experience.

I’m inclined to believe environment + behavior + genetics all play a role.

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I guess it boils down to this – for me: I believe prejudice is MUCH MORE about the disliker than the dislikee – and I think it’s mostly fear-based. ESPECIALLY size-based prejudice. I mean, we are TRAINED by the media, our parents, our peers, etc. to dislike/fear fat because fat = unloved/unworthy/ugly/unsuccessful/lazy.

Makes sense to me.

I’m actually really glad it all came up because it prompted a bunch of thinking and sparked conversation amongst some of my real life friends and family, too … so that’s been interesting. I sometimes forget that despite being so alike – as women, friends, family members, people on the same professional path, etc. – our varying life experiences promote diverse attitudes about random things. It’s fun to think and talk about this stuff.

I’ve noticed lately that random people in my life (or vicinity) are seemingly comfortable expressing feelings about “fat people” … or, at the very least, classifying. As in: “oh, I’m talking about the fat (eye-roll) one.” Or: “Why would he want to be with HER? She’s HUGE (the “I’m more worthy because I’m thin/pretty” being implied, of course).” Etc.

This is a relatively new phenomenon for me – and one that’s bothersome because I don’t know how to handle it. This behavior is accepted, right? This is happening in open conversation and is not apologized for or justified or any of that other stuff that people do to make themselves feel better about hate talk. Racism, homophobia – I know how to handle that in most realms of my life. This? I don’t know.

I feel like I don’t know how to advocate (when appropriate) for my own population. Or something. I recognize that it’s a deep issue – one that the person doing the talking has probably held for a long time and one that is generally embraced – so … what? I say nothing?

I’m inclined to think that known people are ok to express their thoughts and feelings NOW because they no longer view me as “fat” … but … really? I’m not sure what to think about that. I buy smaller clothes and see a different person when I look at pictures, but – mentally – I am very much (happily) the same (fat) person. My appearance changed – not my personality/beliefs/feelings, right?

I seriously have to stop and try to figure out if the new people in my life (who may or may not be associated with me because of work) are ok to rant about “fat bitches” because they don’t know my background and don’t necessarily perceive me as “fat” – OR – (and most importantly) if they’re actually trying to tell me something – trying to convey a message. Because I just don’t know! Am I fat? Or maybe they just don’t care and I’m an object to bitch at and I’m over-thinking it? Whatever the case, I’ve never had to think too much about this before and I’m becoming increasingly/alarmingly aware that disparaging comments re: weight are pretty common in everyday and otherwise innocuous conversation.

I’m not so naive as to believe the thoughts/comments didn’t exist before. They’ve been hurled at me as insults – but that’s totally different. It just seems as if I’m being perceived as being on a different team now – a team I want no part of.

It takes me by surprise each and every time.
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I was in a huge hurry when I got home from CF this morning because I had to iron and make coffee and make breakfast and otherwise do all the things that my sweet and super early rising husband usually takes care of before I even wake up. So, fastest breakfast I could come up with:

I forgot to take a picture, but I ate 1/4c yogurt and about 1/4c blueberries sometime mid-morning. I think snack-time is ending, though. I’m fucking killing myself with the working out (or so it often feels in the moment), but my weight is stubbornly holding steady. So … no more yogurt. I can do it. I think it’s more habit than anything else.

Lunch was a compromise. I’ve been trying to eliminate the burritos because they seem to make my stomach hurt – and haven’t had one in a while – but I had zero time to do anything more than throw this in my bag. I threw 1/2 an avocado and some sour cream in to jazz it up a little, too, and hoped for the best.

I had a few almonds sometime late afternoonish.

Dinner was very simple. Bread + provolone + 2 fried eggs.

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I measured and counted today. The above = roughly 1,510 calories (counting 2 servings of almonds – which I doubt I ate – but I didn’t measure). I’m done, though. The burrito did, in fact, kill my stomach earlier today.