Busy day. I’m exhausted. Just got home and should be in bed in 30 minutes.
________________________________________

Breakfast this morning was eggs + cantaloupe. I added the cantaloupe because I needed a quick boost that might enable me to take a freakin’ shower after I got home from CrossFit. I woke up feeling hungry around midnight last night (something that never happens to me), woke up STARVING at 5:15, went to CrossFit starving and came home feeling like I might not be able to make it out of the car.

I should eat something prior to going each day – especially if I feel extremely hungry – but I just can’t. Either I eat and puke or I do the workout on a completely empty stomach and feel drained. I choose drained, obv.

Unfortunately, this just highlights the torture ever so nicely. I need to figure out what to do about this.

I took yogurt + blueberries to work with me and ate that around 10.

I quickly came home around lunchtime and packed some stuff to take back to eat at work. Very quick salad with leftover chicken, a pickle, and leftover peas.

We had errands to run tonight, so we ate at our favorite Mexican place. I don’t know a good word because I don’t like “cheat” … but this is #1 of 2 compromises for the week. We split chicken + rice.

________________________________________

Hopefully tomorrow will be less hectic.

Bedtime.

I think my ridiculous dream prompted more thinking than was warranted, but I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1) I’m going to cut myself some slack twice a week re: restaurants/”cheat” meals. I won’t beat myself up and I won’t worry about whether I’m cheating the eat -> guilt cycle – I’ll just accept that this is it. Twice a week. I kind of feel like this is the same kind of BS I might hear from (completely hypothetical) clients who have multiple DUI’s and no job and no home who want to drink socially – just one or two beers a week, you know. (Watch this rationalization.) The difference? My falling off the wagon won’t kill anyone or otherwise impact anything but my weight (and potentially my sanity).

I think this is realistic, though. I think I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a complete all-or-nothing approach. There has to be a way to balance the whole situation to eliminate the eat -> guilt cycle and to accept some indulgences as ok. I think I’ve been vacillating between hard-core abstention and blissful acceptance, so I’m hopeful that going back to realistic limitations will be helpful.

2) I’m going to try to limit dairy products to once a day. What this likely means is I’ll eliminate cheese and continue eating yogurt. And maybe completely abstain from ice cream. I know it’s a trigger.

3) I’m not going to count calories. The thought causes complete and utter DREAD, so I don’t think it’s the right thing to do at this point.

So, twice a week (limited, not free-for-all) junk, limited dairy, and no stress/worry about counting anything. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not so good with weight loss goals and plans and I know that. I’ve had MUCH more success taking things day-to-day and rolling with whatever I feel like doing on any given day, but this situation is different. I’ve been stuck at the same weight FOREVER. I think I need to try a little harder and work a little more at fighting my rebellion against weight loss goals and plans. Or quit bitching and accept this weight.

Something has to change.

Who effin’ knew this whole weight loss thing would require more than some exercise and calorie counting.
________________________________________

I’m still liking CrossFit. I’m over feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck and have moved on to just general soreness + exhaustion. I love it. It’s hard and I whine and I think it all feels like torture when I’m doing it, but it’s exactly what I want to be doing right now. I like that I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
________________________________________

I have never really cared about my BMI (and have this feeling that it’s kind of pointless, in general), but I was reminded about its existence somehow today – so I plugged in my numbers to see what I’d get.

At 5’10″ and 186, my BMI is 26.7, which is in the overweight range. At 172 – my immediate goal – my BMI will be 24.7, which is considered “normal.”

As someone who has been given weight charts and been encouraged to lose weight for years … and has ALWAYS fallen into the obese category, I was pretty shocked to find myself just 14 pounds from what they consider to be normal.
________________________________________
Breakfast this morning was eggs.

I picked lunch up from Earth Fare because I didn’t feel like dealing with packing something this morning. I wound up with a salad with a little bit of oil + vinegar, some chicken that had been marinated in pineapple juice (and some other inconsequential stuff), I think, and steamed green beans.

I ate a snack when I got home from work because I was starving. Turkey/hummus/pickle and a few pieces of cantaloupe.

Weird? Maybe. Good, though. I ended up having to squish the whole thing a little more to make it more like a taco.

(Didn’t eat all of this. I’ve been buying a cantaloupe roughly each week and pre-cutting.)

Jon roasted a chicken for dinner, so we had chicken, peas and steamed squash.

My dessert was yogurt + strawberries + blueberries + a little bit of melted dark chocolate.

I woke up this morning and was very clearly aware that I had been right in the middle of a dream. It featured Hostess chocolate cupcakes – the 2-pack kind you’d buy at a gas station with the white stuff in the middle and the white swirly thing on top. I had a container of them and was using a fork to smash one to mix the white stuff with the cake part because I knew the cake part would be too dry.

I haven’t eaten one of those things in years. I don’t even like them (and my dream knew it and so kindly tried to make it better), though (in the past) I wouldn’t have turned down a free one.

The result? I’ve had cupcakes on my mind all day. Good cupcakes. Real cupcakes.

Damn brain.

But there’s more – I was standing on my deck doing my cupcake thing when I noticed a hawk scooping up a cat from my backyard. By the time I realized what was going on, I couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch the hawk fly away with the cat, who was squealing and squirming and freaking out. The helplessness I felt was absolutely horrifying.

I probably don’t want to explore what this random cupcake/cat death dream potentially means (largely because I’m not sure I fully subscribe to the theory that it means anything AT ALL), but I see a connection. If I wanted to see a connection.
________________________________________

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about mental strength, so I guess the dream shouldn’t be a surprise.

Put myself in a restaurant? I stop caring about weight loss and goals. Have a box of cereal in my house? I’ll eat it every night. Right now, I can pretty clearly say that I don’t want nachos and ice cream for dinner tomorrow. 18 hours from now? I honestly don’t know.

It took a lot of work to stop the eat –> guilt cycle that used to follow the restaurant choices and the cereal and the nachos. Right now, I can fairly easily talk myself out of the cycle – as in, I tell myself (and really do recognize) that I’ve chosen to eat x,y,z so it’s ridiculous to feel mad/bad/guilty later.

I’m not sure that’s the correct way to go about doing things anymore, though. I think feeling some of the mad/bad/guilt at least somewhat prevented me from making numerous “bad” choices.

Instead of making better choices to AVOID the mad/bad/guilty cycle completely – as I should be doing – I’ve been manipulating the cycle to make myself feel better. I’ve gotten pretty good at not beating myself up – so it’s easier to make “bad” choices because it’s a choice and I shouldn’t beat myself up tralalalala – but should I have started that? Shouldn’t I beat myself up a little? There ARE “bad” choices for someone who has been 100 pounds overweight.

Seems to me that the acceptance of the junk and the ability to not feel guilt later might be totally screwing me. Seems like I’ve put a lot of effort into learning how to peacefully “move on” after eating nachos and ice cream … and not so much effort into just avoiding the shit and avoiding having to think about the cycle AT ALL.
________________________________________

I bought this tiny bracelet yesterday in hopes that it will serve as a physical reminder to quit giving in and being all kumbaya about it. Kind of hokey, but I’m willing to try it.

________________________________________

I had eggs for breakfast. See all the grease on the plate? That’s the butter leftover from Jon’s eggs. I’ve asked him to cook mine in his leftover butter because he uses a TON.

I had just a few spoons of yogurt left this morning, so I packed that and ate it around 10am.

Lunch was a salad with some deli turkey and ginger dressing.

Except not the carrot/ginger dressing I bought last week – a new one. One I LOVE.

I had a banana around 2.

And had a snack when I got home from work because I was starving – prunes and a pickle.

Dinner was leftover lasagna. Jon took this to work to get it out of the house but nobody offered to take it – so he brought it back home. I’m glad. We were too lazy to even open a can of something green.

Sometimes I’m really not very sure what I’ve done to deserve such a fabulous life. It’s good. I’m happy.
________________________________________

I ate a couple of eggs for breakfast. So shaped because Jon cooked 4 and split them with me. I decided to lay off the yogurt since I had so much yesterday.

Lunch was a salad – spring mix, carrots, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, sprouts, jalapeños, leftover ground beef and hummus – and a peach.

We borrowed the fun kids again and went to see Toy Story. I had maybe 3 handfuls of our shared (amongst the 4 of us) small popcorn. I’m not in the habit of eating at movies, so I could have easily completely gone without – but it was good.

We were a little better with the food this time and didn’t feed them pizza + ice cream.

Jon made a lasagna early this morning – so we baked that when we got home – I threw together a salad, and we had some bread that we picked up at the (farm) market.

Friends (the parents) came for dinner and brought dessert – SO GOOD. They left some, but we’ve already eaten it all. I don’t know exactly what’s in it – strawberries and jello and cream cheese and cool whip and pretzels + butter (as the crust), maybe? Dangerous.

________________________________________

Such a fun day.

I rode/walked my bike 11 miles this morning – and I survived!

We were both awake at 5:15am since that’s typical and since we were both asleep at 9 last night, so we decided to head to Cades Cove (located in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park) pretty early. Cars aren’t allowed on the loop until 10am each Saturday, so our goal was to make it there, do the 11 miles and be back on the way home prior to 10am – which we did.

It was kind of smoky, I guess, earlyish – but it turned into a beautiful morning.

I thought I was going to die most of the time. And Jon kept telling me to stop riding my brakes down the hills, which I couldn’t do because I was scared. And I walked up most of the big hills. And I obeyed the signs and walked the steep curves (and was THANKED by a ranger). And I almost fell off my bike trying to a avoid a rogue 2-year-old. And I felt very frustrated a lot of the time because I still don’t have a good feel for the gears and for riding, in general, and I wasn’t doing things efficiently.

But – I survived.

It took 1 hour and 45 minutes. The website I read a few weeks ago says this: … the full Cades Cove loop takes at least 2 hours to complete, most riders take 3 to 4 hours. So … I feel ok about the walking and the brake riding. I was drained, but Jon didn’t even seem to break a gd sweat.

________________________________________

I ate breakfast in the car on the way. Pretty typical.

The blueberries semi-freeze the yogurt when mixed together. SO good.

We ate lunch when we got home – a bratwurst + sauerkraut.

Plus some yogurt + walnuts + honey. And a peach.

(I am having some intense carb (meaning bread + pasta)/sugar (meaning ice cream) cravings. I’m trying to curb it all with fruit and yogurt, but some drastic measures (like complete abstention, of which I am NOT a fan) may have to be taken to knock this out.)

We watched a movie (Gasland) during/after lunch. I fell asleep and slept for about 30 minutes of it, though – something I almost never do. It was nice.

Dinner tonight was supposed to be spaghetti squash + meat sauce. Then I requested a hamburger and sweet potato fries. Then it turned into spiced up ground beef w/avocado and a little cheddar cheese, a baked potato topped with butter, fage and jalapenos, and steamed asparagus. Just one of those days.

Ok, so maybe I’ll try the publicize/spread the word part of breaking bad habits. Uhhh – again. For the 10th time? Who knows? Maybe this time it will stick.

I really want to make it to 172 (100 pounds lost) before the summer is over. Weight loss always seemed extremely insurmountable – 100 pounds sounded like ludicrous amount to tackle. Impossible. Now? All the little baby steps I’ve taken have me so close. I don’t care (too much) about how I look or clothes or any of that – I want this to solidify the notion that I am capable. Period.

I am going to take it week by week, but starting today, my plan is to post all of my food each day. I need the accountability and I need some focus.

I might start counting calories next week.

I’ve got the exercise part covered – I’m doing CrossFit 5 days a week (at least for the next 5 weeks or so). I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck right now, but I really, really like it.

Depending on the day, I’m 12 – 15 pounds from this goal. My incentive for reaching it? These. I am so curious.
________________________________________

Breakfast this morning happened sort of late because I had CrossFit + errands + house cleaning stuff to do. I was starving by the time I got around to it and was wanting sugar in a serious way (to boost energy, I’m sure). I wasn’t in the mood for eggs – and wasn’t in the mood for much hassle.

I added walnuts to my standard yogurt + fruit – and drizzled some honey on top, too.

I skipped lunch – somewhat. I wasn’t overly hungry, so I ate a spoonful of PB and some cantaloupe.

We went out to dinner tonight because I was craving falafel. Kinda random craving, but we ended up at what I guess would be considered an Egyptian place. It’s a total dump – and a little quirky – but it’s good.

We split a huge salad – lettuce, lots of oil, onions, tomatoes, peppers, olives, feta, hard-boiled egg, and some sort of spice stuff on top.

We also split the sampler – hummus, baba ghanoush, falafel, stuffed grape leaves, and some other stuff I have no idea about. The rice dish portion of it had rice, pasta, crunchy fried onions and lentils, maybe? I don’t know – all very good, though.

The salad was pretty huge, but I don’t feel as if I stuffed myself in any way since the sampler portions were pretty small – and were shared.
________________________________________

I’m trying really hard to make it to 9pm, but I don’t know that I can do it. I’m exhausted.

(Via text, late afternoon, at my weakest because I’m hungry and tired.)

Me: What’s for dinner?

Him: Margaritas.

Me: You’re just dying to make me the cliché who has to bitch about her sabotaging husband, aren’t you?

SERIOUSLY. He’s bad.

I could dissect this whole exchange all night.
________________________________________

(When I say I weigh “the exact same weight” – as I did yesterday – what I really mean is my weight is stuck fluctuating within a 4-6 pound range. And what I REALLY mean is I’m still in the 180′s. I am looking at the big picture – trends – not the actual/exact weight that shows up on the scale each morning. I’ve been doing this long enough to not get worked up over daily weight. Weekly? Yeah. Monthly? OF COURSE.)

I’ve been weighing myself every day since the last week or so of May and have seen no true change. I gained 5 pounds when we went to North Dakota, but that was gone within a few days and I went right back to weighing the exact same thing every day. A pizza + ice cream dinner used to cause at least a minor upward blip. Now? Nothing. Yes, I’m maintaining and I’m very happy about that and am working on not discounting that, but damn. I have been at the same weight for months. I’m ready to move on and see some sort of change.

Or so I say. And have said multiple times.
________________________________________

I’ve been thinking a lot about food today, about the last two years, about how I should go forward, about whether I’ve REALLY been honest with myself lately, and about what’s motivating my actions.

I feel like I’m at a complete loss – in unknown territory – without a clue how to go forward. It would be unfair to say that losing 80-something pounds was easy, but it was definitely less challenging than my current predicament. My way of eating has progressed fairly easily through several stages. I’m not sure where to go now, though, or where to end the progression.

In the beginning, I was eating a bunch of shit – big shock, right? – so I lost weight pretty quickly when I eliminated things like fast food, coke, etc. The next step involved relying very heavily on Lean Cuisines, pretzels, cereal, bread, etc. – something that is very common with every WWer I’ve ever encountered – but I was losing, so I was happy. I switched to the primal way because it’s Jon’s preferred way of eating and was fully on board with it until my weight loss radically slowed – most likely due to loosening the restriction on calories. Then, I tried combining the two, which was a nightmare because WW’s fat restriction doesn’t really jive with the primal way. THEN (most recently), I tried WW again and declared it to be the BEST and ONLY way I could do it – just to determine that I can’t hack it without fairly dramatically increasing processed stuff, a compromise I’m not really willing to make.

I don’t know what I’m doing on any given day. It probably shouldn’t be a surprise that my body is in limbo waiting for me to figure it out. I’m not consistent with anything right now – and I’m just not as committed as I should be.
________________________________________

Mark’s 17 Reasons You’re Not Losing Weight:

1. You think you’re eating healthy, but aren’t.

I know I have a lot of room for improvement. I eat in restaurants too often and often choose really inappropriate things. Realistically, it goes beyond fun or treats or whatever. It’s becoming too common. I eat ice cream at least once a week even though I think I’m lactose intolerant. I love sugar. I give in too easily.

2. You’re under too much stress.

Yes. Definitely. I live a very charmed and happy life, but there is stress. For sure. I used to cope with food. I used to smoke. I’m still learning.

3. You need to watch your carb intake.

Uh, yeah … without a doubt. Skipping fruit, though? That’s a compromise I don’t know that I can fully make. I eat and like a LOT of fruit and I have a hard time reconciling that I shouldn’t.

4. You’re adding muscle.

If anything, I’m losing it. I feel flabbier and flabbier as time goes by. I’m actively working on changing this.

5. You’re not active enough.

We’re pretty active, but not as much as we could be. I’ve noticed that we’ve stopped choosing the gym on Saturday mornings and have substituted it with … I’m not really sure. Sitting around? We don’t do pilates twice a week. We rarely take randoms walk.

6. You’re lapsing into Chronic Cardio.

I was heading that way, for sure.

7. You still haven’t tried Intermittent Fasting.

I doubt this will ever be a part of my life because I wish to sustain my marriage. I become VERY grumpy when hungry. Past grumpy, actually – more like homicidal. I skip breakfast sometimes – and have skipped lunch – but I don’t know that I’m willing to knowingly skip a meal and starve. Naturally feel like skipping? Sure.

8. You’re eating too much.

Well, yeah. That’s an understatement. This is likely the primary problem.

9. You haven’t overcome bad habits or developed good ones.

I’ve overcome lots of bad habits and have developed some very good ones. I have work to do, but I’m not going to discount the changes that led to the bulk of my weight loss.

The main bad habit – if you can call it that – is lack of care when I’m not eating at home. I’m fine at home. Anywhere else? I’ll choose high calorie/junk items every single time … and will want to continue it with ice cream or other “fun” treats.

I’ve got the identification part of it mostly down – I know the restaurants are a problem. I can do the planning part – I just haven’t been doing it. Publication? I don’t know. I publicize all sorts of things that I don’t stick to. I have no problem losing face.

A start, anyway – tonight’s dinner. We were tired and wanted to go out. Jon suggested the Mexican place we can walk to it, but I wanted something that wouldn’t trigger a desire to eat until I feel sick. Instead, we went to a vegetarian place near us and split a hummus appetizer, a cashew paté wrap, potato salad and herbed sugar snap peas. Appropriate portions, appropriate food. More protein would’ve been better, but it was the best/healthiest option given we didn’t want to go far from home.

10. You haven’t purged and Primalized your pantry.

I think we’re ok here. We should probably work harder on not bringing junkier stuff into the house for other people, but – as I’ve said – it’s the frequent eating away from home that’s the problem.

11. You’ve reached a healthy homeostasis.

No. My body has reached a homeostasis of sorts, I guess, but it’s not the healthiest. It’s not where I want to end up, anyway.

12. You’re low on willpower.

Yes, but I’m working on it.

13. You’re full of excuses.

Always. One positive here is I’m usually aware that I’m making excuses – and I’m not offended to be called on it, either.

14. You haven’t actually gone Primal!

Well, I HAVE. Not lately.

15. You’re not getting enough sleep.

This has never been a problem for me. I sleep at least 8 hours every night. My body revolts without it.

16. You haven’t given it enough time.

Well, plenty of time has passed. Consistency is probably key here.

17. You’re eating too much dairy.

Maybe. This is another one of those compromises that I’m not sure about. I really love yogurt. And ice cream. And cheese. Mostly in that order.
________________________________________

SO. I don’t know.

You know how I said I should have never brought cereal into our house? Well – bread is just as bad. I swear it’s insanely addictive. I go from not missing it at all to eating it with every meal after just one hit.

Yesterday’s breakfast was an egg + cheese sandwich.

Lunch was hummus + turkey.

(And fruit.)

The bread’s gone now, though. Definitely learned a lesson.

We had some fun guests for dinner last night, so we had pizza – a take & bake. 1/2 ham and sausage, 1/2 mushrooms and olives.

We took them to a park after dinner and wound up with ice cream, too. It might have been my suggestion and I might have reacted with complete surprise when one of the two initially said NO. Saying no to ice cream just isn’t part of my realm of existence.

In our defense for feeding them such junk, it was fun. Isn’t that what you do with kids who don’t belong to you?

Also in our defense, I did my best to convince them that frozen blueberries are better than popsicles because they make you strong. It really wasn’t hard.

________________________________________

Back to my normal breakfast this morning.

My schedule worked out such that I was able to come home and grab lunch. I’ve been trying to spread my lunches out each day so that I’m not starving at 3PM … so I ate the burrito while I drove back to work.

And ate the yogurt + fruit later.

And didn’t eat the salad at all – saved it for dinner.

Jon made chili tonight – bison, onion, red pepper, black beans, kidney beans, tomato stuff, spices.

________________________________________

I went to CrossFit this morning and am starting to feel it tonight. I had to run (jog/walk quickly, really). Up a hill. 3 times. (and it should’ve been 4!) I might be too whiny for this.

I like traveling, but I also really like quiet weekends at home. So far, this one has been really good.
________________________________________

Jon made breakfast this morning – a cajun sausage of some sort + onions and peppers + a little feta, and cherries. And coffee, of course.

________________________________________

We spent the morning finishing up the dreaded yard maintenance stuff. Not exactly my favorite thing in the world, but it could be worse – our yard was a total disaster when we moved in a few years ago. We’ve slowly tried to get it under control to the point that regular maintenance isn’t much trouble and I’m thinking it’s finally about as good as it’s going to get as long as I’m involved.

A previous owner dug a hole in the backyard and created a small pond that was so overgrown and disgusting when we bought the house that I thought it would probably be better to fill it in and be done with it – I even went so far as to try to find new homes for the fish that were miraculously living in the mess.

Jon’s a little more adventurous and a little less lazy, so he talked me out of it and messes with it each year. It had a waterfall, but it kept falling apart, so we reformed the whole thing to make it less trouble.

I gave most of the big fish to a guy in our neighborhood who has a much larger pond, but some goldfish stuck around and have been reproducing.

Those suckers freeze every winter and pop right back out when it warms up. Apparently I didn’t learn a damn thing from any science class I ever took because not only do I know nothing about chicken reproduction, but I know nothing about how goldfish freeze and live to see another year, either. So weird.
________________________________________

We had some shopping to do around lunchtime, so we ate lunch at a new (to us) place downtown – Latitude 35. I hadn’t heard of it prior to today – and Jon’s only caveat was that eat someplace we’d never been to before – so that’s where we ended up after weighing the options as we walked around. Their website says this: An urban outlook on comfort food, innovative sports viewing, and a premier nightclub – Latitude 35 is Knoxville’s haven for everything in an avant-garde venue.

I’m not really/AT ALL a nightclub person … and just had to google “avant-garde” to make sure it means what I think it means … so I was a little surprised to find myself eating in the dark at 11:45am.

I ordered the quiche of the moment (3 cheese, I think) and a salad w/ginger chile vinaigrette.

I loved the ginger chile vinaigrette so much that I tried to find something similar when we stopped at the grocery store a little later.

LOVE ginger. Haven’t tasted this yet – hoping for the best.
________________________________________

Jon’s daughter arrived home today from a vacation and told Jon that she was tired of eating in restaurants and wanted a home cooked meal – so he let her choose dinner.

Homemade chicken alfredo:

He roasted a whole chicken and shredded the meat. The sauce is milk + butter + heavy cream + flour + garlic + fresh basil + parmesan cheese. The noodles were basic whole wheat noodles.

I know I say this all the time, but damn. He feeds us well.
________________________________________

Dessert tonight was a piece of cranberry and orange pound cake that we picked up at Earth Fare. It was ok. I’m a big fan of the cranberry + orange combo, so I’m hoping I can convince Jon to make a better version of this for me sometime.

________________________________________

I’ve had a couple of extremely (processed) carb heavy days. Time to switch gears.