I think I’ve turned myself into some sort of freak re: the gym. I walked in and stepped on the treadmill – for the first time in 2 weeks – and felt glee.

That’s the only appropriate word – one I don’t even like – GLEE. Who grins like an idiot the whole time they’re at a gym?

I guess I’m never going to be able to work out solely at home.
________________________________________

I counted WW points today. Will I keep doing it? I don’t know.

I know that I need some structure and accountability to lose the last 30 or so pounds I’d like to lose. I know that I’m heading into some free time that will allow space in my brain for counting and weighing and all the annoying BS that comes with WW. I know, without a doubt, that WW works.

We’ll see.
________________________________________

I mixed it up a little and scrambled my eggs this morning vs. frying them. Gotta keep it interesting.

Also – I’ve determined that I LOVE frozen blueberries. They’re pretty cheap if purchased frozen from the warehouse type stores, so I’m definitely planning to keep buying them that way – or will freeze fresh ones if they prove to be cheaper as the season progresses. They’re like little popsicles.

Mid-morning snack:

Lunch was quick because I wanted to go to the gym soon after eating. I generally can’t eat before working out, but this was light enough that it wasn’t too much of a problem.

I folded it over like a taco. I know I said I’m going back to carbs – and I have – I just grew so accustomed to not having bread that I don’t really miss it. So I don’t buy it.

I picked up some cereal for the first time in a long time today – cinnamon oatmeal squares – so I had a little bit of that for lunch, too, since I’m still having chocolate cake withdrawals from the weekend.

I was on my own for dinner tonight, so I made a quick salad with ground turkey (that I cooked with onion, peppers, garlic and chili powder), 1/2 an avocado, a few tomatoes and a spoonful of fage yogurt. I weighed/portioned the rest of the turkey, so I’m sure I’ll be having this again and again and again until it’s gone.

My snack/dessert tonight = prunes and ginger snaps – two of my favorite things.

Total points for the day – 25.5. Not bad. Except I’m starving.

I weighed 5 times on Friday because I couldn’t get any consistency. The scale reflected 188.5 three of those times. It reflected 186.5 two of those times. I don’t really care what the exact weight is – I just care that my weight remained exactly the same or (potentially) decreased since I had another week of no exercise + illness + somewhat crap eating. I think we ate out 4 of 5 week nights, maybe?
________________________________________

I don’t think I experienced an allergy issue in MI. I think I’ve had the flu – or something similar. It was bad. I am just now feeling somewhat ok. I felt a little worn out after taking a shower and getting dressed yesterday morning, but I swear that was progress. I couldn’t even make it through a load of laundry earlier in the week. I barely made it to restaurants for dinner each night – and didn’t make it the night after I spent a full day at work. (And should add I did none of that with a fever – stayed away from everyone while presumably infectious.)

I slept a solid 8 hours on Friday night for the first time since getting sick and woke up yesterday morning feeling antsy to get stuff done vs. wanting to die … and spent today doing 6 hours of godforsaken yard work because of some freak burst of energy … so I’m definitely thinking I’m getting better.

Unfortunately – Jon started feeling it last night.

I’m ready for some normalcy and some wellness. The past month has kind of sucked.
________________________________________

Jon made breakfast each day this weekend – standard fried eggs and yogurt/fruit both days.

We stopped and ate a quick lunch on Saturday to prevent craziness since we didn’t plan our time well and were about to walk into the grocery store to do our weekly shopping while starving. I am not sure what possessed me to get OR pour honey mustard dressing all over my salad, but damn. Ruined. I couldn’t handle the sweetness. I picked the 3 chicken strips out and ate those and threw the whole salad away … which is just a ridiculous waste, I know, but I couldn’t do it. Lesson learned.

Lunch today was a brat and sauerkraut -outside because I was filthy and didn’t want to stop working.

Jon cooked a fabulous dinner both nights – Saturday was something I think I’ve posted about before – pork loin stuffed with spinach, feta, mushrooms, onion and garlic. Plus corn on the cob. We had no string to hold the pork together so it’s less neatly rolly looking than before … but really? We didn’t care.

We also had birthday cake with ice cream in celebration of Jon’s daughter’s upcoming birthday. Jon made the cake from a box. He made the frosting, though, which was SO GOOD. I’m sure it’s just butter, sugar and chocolate (cocoa ? I have no idea), but THAT is some sweetness I can do.

I really wish I had remained ignorant re: the fact that frosting can be made at home so easily.

Today’s dinner was (made by Jon, of course) beef stew. The little white dots are flecks of the almond flour he used on the beef. Whole thing = SO GOOD.

And more birthday cake.
________________________________________

I learned on Friday that Jon’s daughter’s school (maybe the county?) has something they call a “smart lunch.” We were on our way to watch a parade on Friday night and I was complaining about being hungry, so she offered some doritos. Jon expressed shock that she was carrying around doritos and asked where she got them – from her “smart lunch,” of course.

I don’t know anything about it. All I know is her “smart lunch” consisted of a ham sandwich, doritos, teddy grahams, and an apple. And she had the choice to sub fries for the chips.

I haven’t put much thought or research into the school lunch situation besides momentary outrage here and there based on news reports and Jamie Oliver’s show. Don’t know enough to have an opinion. Just thought it was interesting that a marketed “smart lunch” included chips and cookies and potentially french fries.

Jon, of course, had a discussion with her about the chips and the cookies and about moderation and all that, but I think she’s alright. She had a bag of chips from lunch. Would I have still had a bag of chips from lunch? No way in hell.
________________________________________

The gym is a definite priority for the next week. I am sore and tired from yard stuff today, but it’s really not the same at all. I’m definitely starting to feel the need for the fix I get from the gym now that I’m well – BADLY.
________________________________________

I made Jon call and turn the directv back on yesterday. I don’t know what I was thinking turning it off – that was just a stupid idea.

Well, I think the worst of the stress is over.

I went to the conference and learned a bunch of stuff and hung out with Jon’s family when I had free time. I completed all the assignments that needed to be completed. I wrote all the stuff that needed writing. I flew up to Ann Arbor and found (and pre-leased!) an apartment. I’ve pretty much wrapped things up at work.

What I HAVEN’T done is make it to the gym. At all. Since the last time I posted, anyway – 11ish days, I think.

It happens.

I weighed the other day – 188.5. So … I’m maintaining with no problem. I was stuck at 192 for what seemed like AGES, but it’s looking like 189 is the new 192. I’m trending downward – SLOWLY – but down, nonetheless.

I expected to have gained since I’ve been away from home so much and have been eating away from home pretty much daily and haven’t exercised in what feels like a really long time – but I’m not sure why I expected that. I didn’t go crazy. I made decent choices – I chose not to eat the brownies and cookies that were available CONSTANTLY during the conference. I chose to skip the muffins and the bagels that were available for breakfast. I always choose water – so that continued. I always take the stairs – so that continued. Etc. I even passed up the bag of cheetos (one of my FAVORITE junk foods) that was sitting on the hotel bed when we arrived in Ann Arbor this past weekend.

(WTF is up with that, anyway? I swear it was just strange to walk in and find CHEETOS prominently displayed on the bed. I can understand cookies or chocolate, but cheetos? Just seemed weird and wrong.)

Anyway – I feel strange being in this free mode – not counting/weighing any of my food – and I can’t seem to really believe that it will be OK and that I won’t wind up back at 272. I don’t fully trust myself yet.

I’m enjoying the break while it lasts – and happy that I seem to have made true eating habit changes that will serve me well in the future – but I’m going to have to reign it all in very shortly and become a little more aware of my portions. I am not looking forward to it because I am just SO tired of counting calories/points, but I’m not at my goal weight. The long term benefit is worth the short term misery for me, for sure.
________________________________________

I dumped the pictures from my camera to see if I might be able to remember any of the past two weeks. Is it crazy that I remember events best by food pictures?

I had a great time in Atlanta. The conference was good – and I was able to spend one of the nights with Jon’s mom. She made a great dinner – salad, grilled pork chops and carrots – and we ate outside.

I ate at a little Greek place while I was down there that left me feeling sick, which is really unfortunate because now I’m wondering if I might be allergic to something. I have no idea what the problem could be since it’s pretty basic stuff (I didn’t eat the potatoes). All I know is this made me feel sick and I wound up with hives after the last time I ate the same in Germany. Most likely a coincidence, but I think I’ll be staying away for a while.

I ate a starbucks breakfast most mornings while I was in Atlanta. Seems like that thing was a whole wheat (?) english muffin, swiss cheese, turkey bacon and eggs. I don’t really know. I saw bacon, eggs and cheese and went for it. They had a continental breakfast available at the conference, but it was bagels and muffins each morning. I HAVE to have protein for breakfast. Period. I tried oatmeal since it seems to be pretty popular right now. Can’t do it. Left me starving. Well, that and I either have to train myself to like it plain or have to fill it full of sugary stuff to make it edible … and then what’s the point? I’d rather eat a snickers if I’m going to be hungry an hour later anyway.

No pictures from Ann Arbor because I just wasn’t in the best mood. Apparently I’m allergic to Michigan, too. I was sick within an hour of stepping off the plane and am still sneezing and hacking and generally feeling miserable. I haven’t had a cold like this in a very long time. Plus it was 40 degrees the whole time we were there which wasn’t really helpful for my attempted suppression of the fact that it actually snows sometimes.

What else?

My sweet boy turned 4.

I looked through some old pictures the other day and was shocked to see a reminder that Jon used to be 60 pounds heavier. I guess I’ve just forgotten we both used to be so different.

I had definitely forgotten how effin’ adorable Henry was. I don’t miss the training drama – and enjoy that he travels really well and is generally no “work” at all – but I swear to god that sweet little puppy picture almost killed me.

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy/stressful.

I just got back (yesterday afternoon) from a conference in Nashville. I’m leaving again soon for another 3-day conference in Atlanta (plus a tacked on visit with Jon’s family). THEN, 2 days later I’m going to Detroit/Ann Arbor to find a place to live. Just did a phone interview this morning for a part-time thing in Ann Arbor (have I ever mentioned that I HATE the phone?). I have some stuff to write within the next two weeks that needs to be worthy of publication. Plus, I have several end-of-semester assignments due. Plus, I have stuff to wrap up at work since my last day is quickly approaching. PLUS, I need to finalize plans for a temporary job of some sort that will hopefully help keep me fed + keep me from going insane with boredom. Oh – and we’ve decided to paint our house ourselves – like now. And I have to graduate. And permanently move to Michigan in a few months.

I’m feeling pretty proud of myself for not only keeping on with the decent(ish) food choices, but for keeping on with the exercise, too (which isn’t really so hard since I love/need it). I haven’t had significant weight loss, but I haven’t gained anything, either. I’d be happier about this if I was 30 pounds lighter, but whatever. I’m hoping to regain some weight loss focus this summer when I can breathe a little since I’ll (hopefully) have just a job to deal with.

I’m starting to feel like I have control of the stress eating. I am experiencing stress – and I’m dealing. I might eat a pint of ice cream now and then … but I’m consistently ok more than I’m consistently using food to make myself feel better.
________________________________________

I tried on some size 12 pants at a store today and they fit. Neither pair was necessarily flattering, but I didn’t have to suck anything in or squeeze or anything like that – they were just a little too snug in the butt/thigh region. Bought a medium shirt – definitely a first. Also had to buy a bra that’s a size smaller, but whatever. I’m counting it as an overall success.
________________________________________

I didn’t eat until 1pm today because I was feeling nervous about the phone interview + busy, so my lunch was a combo of typical breakfast and lunch stuff – a bean burrito and yogurt/walnuts/strawberries:

We went to the gym when Jon got home from work and I ran on the treadmill (had been raining). The strangest thing happened, though – I had some kind of really intense cramp across my lower abdomen. It wasn’t a typical stomach or side cramp – I swear it felt just like VERY strong period cramps. I’ve never experienced anything like it while running so I stopped at 20 minutes. I walked around the gym and found Jon and warned him that I might be dying … then it just stopped. I ended up riding intervals on the bike on level 15 resistance for another 15 minutes, but never felt anything else.

I was tired and unmotivated, for sure, but I wasn’t THAT tired. Very strange.

Anyway – Jon cooked a quick dinner when we got home – salad + italian sausage/sauce/asparagus.

________________________________________

Not so sure I’m liking the tv situation. I stand around and talk to Jon when he cooks … my word quota is up by the time we eat – I have nothing else to say. What do people DO when they eat?

I’m exhausted.

We worked in our yard ALL morning – and most of the afternoon – and some tonight, too.

I have a slight sunburn despite attempts to prevent it.

Let’s see if I can come up with something positive to say …. We were active all day! The yard looks better! Jon cleaned out the pond! I cut a finger open AND have a blister AND still have tons to do! Oh, wait.
________________________________________

Jon made breakfast this morning:

And lunch:

Dinner looked the same, but less ham and more of that yellow stuff (squash casserole – made with ritz crackers and heavy cream and bacon grease and cheese and some squash thrown in for good measure).

I ate two peanut butter eggs, but Jon did THIS to his daughter:

________________________________________

I think it’s dark enough for tv. I seriously hope today wasn’t the directv cut-off. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I haven’t weighed since last week – and I haven’t counted anything (food-wise), either. I took a break from actively trying to keep track of anything, and I’m glad. I needed the mental reprieve.
________________________________________

On a completely unrelated note, I recently discovered that I am not so much a fan of the intuitive eating situation that a lot of people appreciate and discuss.

(Most likely because I suck at it.)

It’s great – I’m sure – it’s just that my mind/body tell me sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar if left to their own devices.

Also? I am lazy and busy and have been eating in restaurants fairly frequently lately. The only intuitive eating going on there is intuitively (? I guess) knowing that I shouldn’t follow through on packing on 500 extra calories of ice cream.

I think the phrase just bugs me – not the concept itself. Intuitive eating is just EATING, right? Maybe for people who don’t have the sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar problem? I don’t know. I’m not sure that “making peace with food” has ever been my problem. I have peace with it. A little TOO MUCH peace.
________________________________________

We woke up around 6 this morning. I was up for good by 7, making breakfast.

I love these (Amy’s) things – primarily because I’m going through a phase where even frying eggs is too much trouble.

Jon had plain yogurt/mashed up banana/walnuts and a leftover (baked) chicken breast.

He ran around the neighborhood for half an hour or so – then we went to the gym together. I ran on the treadmill (can’t keep up with him on his runs) and he did weights. I did a little bit of weight stuff, but was anxious to get home and get some stuff done.

Lunch – post gym and yard-work, prior to a wedding shower = chopped pork and green beans.

I ate some (fresh) vegetables and nuts at the wedding shower I went to, but passed up the really fabulous looking cake without much trouble. It really wasn’t such a big deal to pass it up … (I guess I was at peace with not eating cake?) … I knew I had chocolate at home and might eat some of it – and didn’t want both in one day.

Jon made dinner tonight – grilled turkey burger and baked sweet potato fries.

________________________________________

I am LOVING the weather.

Also? We’ve temporarily banned tv each day until it’s dark. We have a ton to do, in general, need to be more active at night, and … I’m just over the tv. We canceled the much beloved satellite + premium cable channels + HD, too, and will be going back to basics once that kicks in.

The dog is thrilled with this turn of events, I’m sure. This poor pitiful face prompted a spontaneous walk around the neighborhood after dinner tonight.

I might (probably) seriously regret this next week, but for now? The tv is a time suck that we could stop – so we did.