I should be getting ready to leave for work, but I’m procrastinating.

I weighed this morning: 189.5. A 2 1/2 pound loss since last week. Not unexpected since I’ve been counting calories, but a little higher than I thought it would be. I expected 2, but didn’t factor in any exercise – so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I am on a 2 week streak of consistent 2+ pound weight loss, so I am happy … no – OVER effin’ JOYED – that I stopped with the carb worrying and have gone back to doing things the way (I think) is best for me. Portion control and consistency are key, for sure, but still … I did NOT consistently lose weight doing things the other way.

I think I’ll refrain from discussing the fact that Jon lost almost 10 pounds this week.

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I’m still eating my standard breakfast. I like my routine.

Lunch today is going to be leftover chicken, onions and peppers (from last night):

This stuff:

And some leftover rice:

All thrown together in this wrap:

Plus an apple:

And maybe some ginger snaps at some point:

The wrap might be a little dry since I don’t plan to use any cheese or sauces or anything like that … but I’ve mostly weaned myself from them. I used a little over a tablespoon of oil/vinegar on a salad the other day and felt like it was drenched. So weird given my previous habits, but I’m glad I’ve done the weaning.

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I have one day left this week of week 4 of the C25K thing. This week I’m alternating 3 minutes of jogging, a little bit of walking (can’t remember – maybe 90 seconds?), 5 minutes of jogging, a little bit of walking – repeat. So … 16 minutes of jogging broken up a little.

I was pretty thoroughly convinced that there was no way in hell I’d be able to make the last 5 minutes of jogging (and, ok, I was pretty iffy about the first one, too) – but some sort of miracle has occurred. I’m still living.

I’m pretty slow, but I can do it … and I see progress. I’m happy.

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Work time.

I just went back and read what I wrote on Monday. I think it’s safe to say I’m feeling MUCH less crazy.

This week – I went to pilates twice, did my C25K thing (did part of week 3 for the 3rd time – I’m moving ahead tomorrow), went to a gym with a friend and went to my gym a couple times.

3 weeks away from pilates was a huge mistake. I’ve been taking aspirin and ibuprofen for days to prevent my lower back from making me want to kill myself.

It looks like daily exercise is a requirement for me if I wish to remain sane. 1 week of nothing just about did me in.
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My weight jumped from it’s very familiar 192 range all the way to 195.5 after I’d been home from Germany for a week and spent each day of that week sleeping/eating out/feeling crazy.

I know I said I was going back to WW points counting, in general, but I honestly haven’t had the time or energy to mess around with that. I HAVE been counting calories, though, since Monday. It’s been much easier/faster, and it serves the same basic purpose – portion control. I’m back down to 192 after just a week, so I feel ok about it.
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I’m still eating carbs – and I feel great. I ditched the cereal and the Lean Cuisine meals because I just couldn’t handle them (for nutritional reasons other than carbs), but I’m eating things like rice, lots of beans, (frozen) burritos, homemade wraps, potatoes, and small bagels or buns of some sort here and there. Also? I’m back on the tofu/soy wagon.

I’m happy.

Jon thinks I’ve completely lost it.

(He ate at a vegetarian restaurant with me yesterday, though, and didn’t bitch even though he had few options. My chili (tofu) dog + bun + potato salad – that he wouldn’t even try – was really good. Definitely his loss.)
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I’ve been flip-flopping and eating eggs (with yogurt+fruit) one morning and mini bagels with PB and plum jam the next.

So far – I can’t tell a difference as far as hunger goes.
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I’ve learned a valuable lesson over the past 6 months. I know myself and my body … and I know what works best.

I regret that I’ve wasted so much time following diet/food recommendations that just don’t work for me.
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Jon brought a present home for me from Quebec. It’s a great example of what I’m NOT eating. Going back to carbs does not = going back to eating nothing but shit.

Not sure I understand the point.

They taste like … nothing.

This is the scrap that’s left over after the manufacture of the wafers that are used during Mass.

Sold as food.

Someone Jon was with bought a case. Seriously.

I don’t feel judgment – just confusion.

Turns out putting off almost everything you have to do until after a trip might be …. uhhh … STUPID.

We hit the ground running when we got home and didn’t have much down time to do things like plan meals and buy groceries and pay bills and scrub the bathroom because we were too busy with the exhaustion/sleeping. Plus work. Plus school. Plus the stress of having to make some big life decisions very soon.

So … last week was bad. We ate out just about every night, I think – and when I say ate out, I mean ate whatever the hell we wanted. I took Pepto Bismol every night. Until today, I can think of just a handful of meals at home since we’ve been home – NINE days.

And Valentine’s Day happened, of course. And I have the sweetest husband who knows ice cream + cake = MY FAVORITE THING EVER. I usually keep it under control.

This year? I ate half of it by myself from Saturday morning (when he gave it to me) to last night. The rest went in the trash today. Honestly, nothing but some strong guilt, determination and active self-control kept me from eating the whole thing – I wanted to.

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Today was a work holiday for me, so I had a free day to really get back on track – and I have. It’s crazy that a couple weeks away threw us off so badly – but it happened – not the end of the world. I am feeling much calmer … and MUCH happier to have my life/house back to normal, though.

I made it to the gym this afternoon and did 40 minutes of cardio on the stair thing and bike. I swear I was in tears as I looked for a parking place and struggled finding one. I HAD to work out today. It was reaching crisis level.

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This is actually yesterday’s breakfast – but they’re all about the same. Cereal+milk does nothing for me and leaves me hungry 15 minutes later. Adding it to yogurt+ fruit seems to be fine.

Lunch was quick because I was home briefly between errands. I love these. I’ve missed them.

I’m on my own this week, so I made some sort of chili for dinner tonight. I say “some sort” because I’ve never made chili before. I’ve assembled it based on Jon’s instructions, but I didn’t have those instructions and I didn’t feel like dealing with a recipe, so I just dumped some stuff together that seemed like what he uses and hoped for the best.

The goal was to get several easy-to-pack lunches out of this. I think I succeeded. I counted the calories for the pot and divided by 6 – 315 calories per serving.

My body has been surviving on copious amounts of sugar lately, so I ate a little when the OHMYGODINEEDSUGAR craving hit a little after dinner.

It’s half of a small fage (2%) container, some plum jam (that I stirred all in) and a few ginger snaps.

SO GOOD. I love ginger … and I really love ginger + cinnamon (which is in the plum jam) … so this was almost better than ice cream cake.

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I haven’t been in the best place – emotionally, regarding food/eating – lately. One shitty meal after another – and day after day of no exercise – wore on me until I felt like I was going to lose my mind yesterday. Why didn’t I just STOP eating the shit? Why didn’t I just go to the gym? I don’t know.

I know it was only a week (the 2 recent trips don’t play a role because I actually ate decently and exercised – I’ve gone crazy at home), but I woke up today feeling like a choice had to be made.

I chose to live my new life today – not the old out-of-control one – and I feel great tonight, physically AND emotionally.

I did some thinking, too, about what I’d tell someone who might be struggling with the horrible emotional eating cycle … and I reminded myself that change, for me, comes from awareness and recognition.

So … I bought a little notebook so I can write down what’s going on when I feel sick and tired and out-of-control and have no desire to eat crap again … but yet find myself eating large amounts of greasy Chinese food anyway … just to feel like shit, emotionally and physically, for hours.

It’s tiny – no pressure – but I think some awareness and processing of what’s going on will help.

I am going to beat this.

Well, I’ve been in the US since last Friday night, home since Saturday afternoon – and my sleeping pattern is just now normalizing. I had no problems whatsoever adjusting in Germany, but I’ve had a hell of a time adjusting at home.

Friday was a wash since I was just flat-out delirious from a 10 hour flight and 6 hour time change. Saturday was ok – we woke up at 4:45am, but we stayed up all day and made it until 10:30pm or so because we had company. Sunday was bad. Up early again, and in bed at 5:00pm for a “nap” that we both knew was a bad idea. We woke up again at 3:30am and I was up for good by 4:30am – great way to start a Monday back at work. Last night I made it until 9 despite desperately wanting to go to bed at 7 – so I think I’m finally ok. I’m liking the early (meaning 5ish) mornings, so I’m thinking I’m going to hang on to that aspect of the situation.

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We haven’t done a damn thing since we’ve been home re: exercise. I was supposed to pick up where I left off with the C25K, but eh. I’ll get around to it. We skipped pilates on Tuesday night because I had a volunteer thing to do and didn’t make it home in time. No Shred dvd. No gym. Nothing. Last night we went out to dinner because we didn’t feel like doing the dishes that were still in the sink from the previous night. Nice, huh?

We’ve both been tired and busy and just generally lazy since we’ve been home (although, to be fair to myself – I came home to deadlines rapidly approaching and a school semester to catch up on and major life decisions to make, etc. Lazy goes only as far as exercise. And the dishes.).

We have plans to work out each day, but we scrap them each night when we come home exhausted. I know I should do SOMETHING, that I’d feel better, etc. Realistically – it’s easier to give in to the desire to sleep when all the other crap is done. It’s a priority issue, for sure.

I’m starting to feel very cranky and achy, though. I can’t go much longer. I’m ready for normalcy. I miss it all.

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I’m going to weigh tomorrow and continue with the little challenge we created for ourselves. I came home weighing just about the same as I did when I left – very minor fluctuation. Jon, however, came home 5 pounds heavier – which he directly attributes to all the carbs. It’s gone as of this morning, though, so he’s probably right about that. I think we’re both going to be just about where we were the last time we “officially” weighed on January 22. So … we have 3 weeks of wasted time, but whatever. The 2 weeks of traveling and 1 week of laziness at home have been worth stalled weight loss.

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We went grocery shopping last weekend when we got home and I bought a box of cereal and a bag of mini-bagels – and I have to admit to buying a few Lean Cuisine frozen things to eat during times of crisis.

Turns out I can’t do it. I’ve apparently so thoroughly trained myself to eat differently that I almost couldn’t even eat the frozen stuff. I’m not sure how I EVER ate frozen meals.

Never again.

I eat junk (cupcakes, ice cream, cookies, meals out, etc.) – for sure – but I try to choose at least somewhat highish quality stuff. And I know that it’s not actual nourishment – I know I’m eating it for it’s junk/fun value and that’s it.

I’m apparently not capable of eating junk as a meal anymore. And cereal for breakfast? I’d forgotten that it leads to hunger 15 MINUTES LATER.

This is our last night in Germany – heading home tomorrow. I’m ready. I’m ready for my routine, my dog, my regular food, my regular exercise, my tv, my stable internet connection, my bed, etc. I’ve hit the wall. Feeling homesick.

We went into a town called Pforzheim last night for dinner. Almost everything was closed – everything in the smaller towns seems to close VERY early – but we found a Greek place that was open. We couldn’t communicate with the staff at all, and they had no menus we could read … so we pointed and ate what we got.

I understood gyro, so that’s what I pointed to.

I recognized the term “musaka” from My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Jon got that.

They also brought us some Ouzo.

I wanted dessert, but every bakery we saw on the way to the restaurant was closed by the time we finished dinner, so we stopped at a grocery store and picked up some stuff to take back to our room.

Lest anyone think I’M the only one to do it:

Today has sort of sucked. Overall, it’s been good – not much going on – but I have freakin’ hives, I think. I woke up sometime during the night itching and it’s just progressively gotten worse throughout the day – to the point that my upper body is almost covered (minus my face).

This is how it started:

We went to a pharmacy looking for benadryl, but were told that it’s “old fashioned.” I wound up with something – I don’t know. It’s not really doing much.

I have no idea what’s going on. It’s either hives and/or I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

Breakfast was typical at the hotel. Jon had to work in the AM, but we walked around some afterward before ending up back at the hotel for lunch. I had some sort of vegetarian strudel and Jon had beef.

And FINALLY – some Black Forest cake.

We’re in Stuttgart tonight – near the airport – had Chinese for dinner. I feel itchy and tired and nervous about a long flight feeling so shitty.

It’s been a seriously fabulous trip.

Yesterday was … interesting.

Jon’s company planned a night of sledding – since the weather was “favorable” (snow) – and dinner at the ski hut for everyone. We knew about it in advance, but I had no idea I’d have to step SO FAR out of my comfort zone.

We all carpooled up to the parking lot area and then had to trek through the forest to the ski/sledding area. In the DARK. In what might as well have been a freakin’ BLIZZARD.

We got to the ski area and everyone did their sledding thing while I stood around and froze/talked to a guy who lives and works here in Germany. He tried to talk me into sledding – and it did look like fun – but there was just no way. I am a chicken to the core. I think anybody who knows me well would know there’s no way in hell I’d go barreling down a hill on a sled. Some of them were even running and jumping onto a tube and going down head first!

Jon loved it, of course.

I had a really good time watching everyone – the fun was sort of contagious even though I wasn’t actually sledding – until I stopped being able to feel my toes.

The dinner was wonderful. I had a fabulous time talking and eating and hanging out. Learned a bunch of new German words and phrases. Asked a bunch of questions. Answered questions about America. Ate my first (pork) schnitzel (and was told that I have to try true wiener schnitzel (veal) since this was a poor, though common, substitute) – Jon had goose.

After dinner, we had to make our way back down and back through the forest – and then drive back down, too – all in the dark, snowy night.

I don’t do snow well – this is DEFINITELY the first time I’ve ever found myself trekking through a forest, in the dark, in the snow, fearing hypothermia.

It was scary. Lots of fun, though. I’m glad I did it – and glad I still have all of my toes.

Prior to all of this, Jon worked and I hung out in the hotel room – without internet access since it was temporarily down – and read, watched tv (in German) and napped.

Up today – more working for Jon, reading/working for me and hopefully some Black Forest cake after dinner.

I had the BEST breakfast this morning – primarily because of one thing: homemade plum jam.

The hotel had plain yogurt – which I was skeptical about because I don’t usually like it – so I added plum jam, a few prunes, some dried apricots and a little bit of some sort of oats mixture to jazz it up a little. I am not a big jelly/jam person, but OH. MY. GOD. This stuff was delicious. I wanted to get the bowl of it and eat it all straight with a spoon.

I got some cheeses and a few slices of meat, too, but one of the cheeses smelled so strongly (read: disgusting) that I just couldn’t take it. I gave it all to Jon and went back for a piece of some sort of chocolateish cake (which I added plum jam to), some more prunes and a hard boiled egg.

The 4-hour drive from Reutte (Austria) to Hofen (Germany) was absolutely gorgeous. We drove through all sorts of small towns that were so cute I wanted to stay forever. And the mountains – damn.

We stopped just a couple of times. Once, for lunch – McD’s. We both got a Bacon, Onion and Chicken sandwich (or something like that) and we split the fries and potatoes.

The second stop happened because we ran out of windshield wiper fluid/cleaner. The roads are a sludgy mess most everywhere, and we’re constantly having the salty sludge slung back on us … so we’re constantly needing to clean the windshield.

The first time we ran out (a couple of days ago), a very nice woman who worked at a gas station came out with something that looked like a watering can and helped Jon put the fluid (he bought) into the seriously TINY hole that leads to the fluid reservoir.

Today, we pulled over and Jon attempted to add the fluid via my brilliant idea – my McD’s cup and straw.

It worked!

A man came over almost immediately, though, to help. He spoke no English, so we “spoke” through body language and gestures, but he seemed to think the cup idea was pretty funny. He helped Jon pour the fluid at first – then he ended up taking him into the gas station and borrowing a watering can for us (which I’m starting to think is the common practice) … he stuck around to make sure we had no problems … then took the can back for us. All with snow pouring down.

We have encountered this sort of friendly helpfulness several times – and I’m embarrassed or sad or something to say that I’ve felt leery/unsafe every single time someone has approached us out of the blue – exactly as I would at home. I’ve definitely not expected what we’ve received – genuine kindness with no strings attached and no mugging happening. My worldview is likely somewhat skewed – I know that – but damn. It sucks – and sucks that it’s rarely challenged like this.

Our little car has done really well with the snow except for the windshield fluid issue – which really wouldn’t even be an issue if the damn hole wasn’t so small. Thank GOD for the gps, too. Seriously. We’d probably be divorced right now if not for that thing.

We made it into the Black Forest area right as it was starting to get dark – and needed to meet Jon’s boss for dinner pretty quickly after arriving – so we unloaded the car and walked to a nearby grocery store to pick up a few things for me to have in the room tomorrow in case I don’t feel like leaving for lunch – and because we just like walking around grocery stores in new places because we’re weird like that.

I found some plum jam – and HAD to buy it – and am seriously hoping it will be as good as what I had this morning.

I also totally impulse-purchased something I have no idea about. Not even sure what it is, exactly.

Stopped at the bakery section, too, of course.

We ate dinner at the hotel – it was FABULOUS: vegetarian cordon bleu for me (lots of spinach and cheese and some sort of fried cheese shell) with broccoli, venison and spatzle for Jon. I took no pictures because we were with Jon’s boss and it just wasn’t appropriate. Too bad, though. It was good.

I want to be on vacation forever, please.