I weighed this morning: 192.0.

I really just had to effin’ laugh. My body LOVES this weight for some reason.

Not a big deal – I’m not upset. I’m actually pretty pleased that I did no lasting (weight) damage during the holidays. 192 is very common for me – not a bad place to be for now. I sort of expected worse since I’ve recently had a couple of weeks of pure gluttony.

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I bought Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred today, on a whim. I keep hearing about it/reading references to it, so I thought I’d give it shot. I didn’t put much thought into it (meaning didn’t even read the back of the box), so I assumed it would be 30 separate days of 30 different things. Not sure why, because that would be sort of excessive – but I’m surprised that there are just 3 different actual workouts.

I just did level 1 with 8 lb weights. I’ve never done anything like this at home – and generally hate working out to dvds – but I liked it. Very familiar and similar to what I already do with the trainer. Definitely worth 20 minutes a day and $10.

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I’ve decided to take a break from the trainer, so I’ve GOT to learn to do this completely on my own (hence the inclination to buy the dvd). I’ve checked out of this huge section of exercise and have put almost zero thought into weight training since I just haven’t had to … but I need to take more control so it’s sustainable for the long haul. Doing it completely on my own is going to require some motivation that I haven’t had to tap into in a long time. I’m scared. Also? I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. The dvd is ok for what it is, but not really what I’m looking for as far as weight training goes. SO FRUSTRATING. I’ve should’ve been learning and writing things down and asking questions instead of moaning and whining and completely checking out.

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I think I cursed myself when I said I’d be jogging outside from now on. Today is day 3 of workout week 2 of the C25K thing … and it’s going to happen … just not outside. It snowed yesterday – and never got above freezing today – so the sidewalks are still covered since I live in the south where it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO SNOW and STICK AROUND. I guess I could jog in the street, but I’d have to run right down the middle since there’s snow/ice everywhere and I’m just not inclined to do that.

Damn snow. I hope the gym/track isn’t too packed since it’s a Fri night and it’s a college gym. Probably will be, though. Seems there’s this huge segment of college kids who DON’T sit around eating taco bell and drinking beer all night. Who knew?

So … The Biggest Loser. I have a love/hate relationship with it, for sure, but I just can’t NOT watch it. It’s taken 3 tries – mostly because we’re generally busy at night and other things take priority (like sleeping) – but I finally made it through the first show of the new season.

1) I have issues. I relate so much it’s almost hard to watch. I cry during every show because I so vividly remember how daunting and scary and insurmountable it all (still, sometimes) feels.

2) I don’t relate to/understand the “I’ve never been loved/I’m unlovable” part. I feel a little irritated (at the world, I guess) when I encounter low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness re: weight. I think I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder about it, actually – and I’m ok with that. Actively disparage someone because of their weight/size/appearance (or anything else, really) and I’m going to think you’re a pretty shallow/unintelligent/uncaring person – and think that the issue is probably really YOURS. Say you’ve never been loved because of your body shape and I’m going to think you don’t love yourself.

3) They suck for sending those teams home on the first night – all the hope and happiness they had. I know it’s a game/tv show, but I could see the disappointment those people were feeling and it sucked.

4) Jon doesn’t like the show because he thinks it’s degrading and too dramatic. I agree somewhat on the degrading part – and wholeheartedly on the drama part – but I would’ve been there in a flash when I weighed what some of these people weigh. Having the ability to focus on nothing but exercise and weight loss? I’d be there now if I could.

5) They stage their product promotions incredibly ridiculously. I see them coming a mile away and start fast forwarding before they even have a sentence out. You’d think they’d shake it up a little and at least attempt some trickery.

6) I love Jillian. I like the screaming and the pushing and the angst. I know everybody has their own way of doing things/responding to things – and I know I would’ve died had I had to endure that kind of drama when I started. Now? I wish Jon would scream at me a little when we do the jogging thing. I sometimes need that kind of motivation.

7) Just realized this week off has me not just scrubbing the floors (grout) with a toothbrush, but analyzing tv shows, too. Good god I’m bored.

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I did week 2, workout 2 of the C25K plan at the track at the gym last night. It was FREEZING outside, but I regretted (again) going to the gym. Unless there’s a blizzard or some other natural disaster, I’m going to be doing this jogging thing outside from now on.

There’s just something weird/wrong about running in circles with no destination. Easier to want to quit. Can’t really quit when I’m on the other side of my neighborhood – and I’m more motivated to go faster when it’s dark and cold and I want to be home already and I have no choice.

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I’m really glad to be back to normal food-wise. My stomach and body revolt when I eat a bunch of crap – I know that, but I do it anyway. I’d like to say NO MORE, but I’m not stupid.

This week has been typical.

Yesterday I had a little bit of leftover (turkey) chili and fruit/yogurt for breakfast. I’ve been buying the individual yogurts because my chain store stopped selling the large ones and the co-op I go to never has any large ones that aren’t about to expire …. so I split them in half and get two days out of one small container. I added some walnuts and blueberries to yesterday’s half.

Lunch = a salad with broccoli, cucumbers and sunflower seeds + cheese + apricots + tea a little later.

Dinner happened when we got home from the gym and I was STARVING to death. Jon made some kind of liquid to put on top of grouper before it baked out of butter, a lime and soy sauce – and cooked the bok choy in the same stuff. I think he found the recipe on the back of the (frozen) grouper container. I’m not a huge fan of baked fish, but it was good. Very fast, too.

I’m counting points again, so I’m starving pretty much all the time. I don’t think that’s a consequence of the points, but a consequence of my mind and body being accustomed to eating whatever it wants. Intuitive eating works out (for the most part) maintenance-wise, but doesn’t work – FOR ME – for weight loss at all.

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I’m weighing tomorrow. I’m guessing 190 based on how I feel, but I won’t be surprised if it’s a little higher. I honestly have no idea and I’m ok with that.

I’m planning to try to consistently weigh every week and update. Ignoring the scale – FOR ME – leads to a lack of focus.

I’ve been catching up on my google reader today … and I have to say that I’m a little discouraged by all of the fitness or health or weight loss or whatever bloggers who so easily seem to dismiss resolutioners … and even seem to openly deride the people who are jumping on board the weight loss bandwagon right now. My opinion – who gives a shit why anyone starts or what motivates them to start or how long they’ll keep it up or how they’ll go about doing it?

I’m all about doing what it takes. Who cares if it takes 20 years of resolutions – one week of effort beats zero, in my opinion. Sometimes it DOES stick.

Losing weight is really fucking daunting for a lot of people. Way to be supportive.

Jesus.

Jon and I have had a 2009 Goals list hanging on the refrigerator since January of last year (which resembled a long-term to-do list in a lot of ways). I think we accomplished about half, decided some were pointless along the way, and just flat-out blew a few. About normal.

We don’t have a bunch of goals for 2010, primarily because this is the year of Big Changes. Our lives are (potentially) changing in a big way, but there’s tons of uncertainty and loose ends hanging around … so I’m nervous and stressed (in a really good way) and hesitant to make any grand proclamations for the year. I don’t think we’re going to have any goals hanging on the refrigerator because I just don’t know what they would be. Scary, for sure. But exciting – it really excites me to think about January 2011 and know that life will (maybe) be very different.

Big Changes = Big Stress, of course. I don’t know that emotional eating ever completely goes away, really, but I am going to fight like hell. I’m prepared – but seriously? I’m a little nervous.

I started week 2 of the C25K thing yesterday and seriously thought I was going to DIE. I don’t know if it was the fact that I’d already been to the gym earlier in the day and was tired by the time we got around to it, the fact that I’d just eaten dinner, the fact that I was running circles around a track at my (now open!) gym since it was something like 12 degrees outside – which is incredibly effin’ boring, btw, or if it was the fact that I’d spent the day eating about 3000 fewer calories and needed sugar. I don’t know. Whatever it was – the whole thing was unusually HARD. I started whining during the warm-up walk.

I think I’ve been sticking to things that are (relatively) easy (strength training) and things I like (pilates). I haven’t been pushing myself lately because … really … pushing myself = misery. Exercise is not always fun, for sure. I’m generally a fan of cardioish activity, when it’s OVER. Going to have to work hard to remain positive going in.

I want this whole running thing. I know it (probably) won’t always suck. And if it does … well … I’m a big picture person. I can put up with some short-term misery for the long-term benefit.

Still trying to figure out why I started the damn thing now vs. the SUMMER, though. Not my most rational plan ever, but whatever.

Just got home from spending a few days in the mountains. Good news = I managed to complete the first week of the C25K running plan, which puts me one week ahead of all previous efforts. Bad news = I am in need of some serious detoxing.

We were the first to arrive at the cabin on Wednesday afternoon since we live in the general area, so Jon made a dinner that was eaten in shifts as everyone arrived – chili and cornbread.

Breakfast on NYE – made by Jon’s mom = french toast and sausage.

Lunch – sandwich and leftover chili.

Dinner – country fried steak, rice + gravy, steamed green beans and broccoli – also courtesy of Jon’s mom.

We sat around playing games and eating that night. I was asleep at midnight – everyone else was watching a movie. There is a suspicious lack of pictures of the copious amounts of fudge and cupcakes I consumed – must’ve been feeling guilty.

New Year’s Day = more really good food made by Jon’s mom. Lunch was homemade pimento cheese sandwiches and dinner was ham, blackeyed peas, greens, squash casserole and apple salad.

Plus brownies before bed. I did day 3 of the C25K that afternoon, so I might’ve felt marginally justified in having two.

We ate a bunch of leftover stuff yesterday. Ham, eggs and toast for breakfast. Ham and pimento cheese for lunch.

By dinner, though, Jon’s family had left and we were a little tired of ham … and some friends arrived, so we made pizzas. Jon made the dough for the crust, but everyone decorated.

I ate a cookie that Jon’s brother left behind.

Our friends very kindly cooked breakfast this morning before we all left and drove home.

Really, really good few days. We saw some snow, took naps, watched some movies, played some games, and hung out enjoying the company.

Other than the one day of C25K jogging, Jon (and his son) did some arm wrestling … and we watched a pilates dvd. That has to count for something, right?

Good thing I have nothing major to do for the next week – I’m going to DIE trying to get all of this crap/sugar out of my system.

Seriously. I’m worried.