I’ve been in a marginally better mood today.

I spent the morning taking care of some last minute school stuff that I needed to finalize … and spent the afternoon rearranging furniture and cleaning (while watching/listening to some show on Discovery Health – I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. All I can say is OH. MY. GOD.)

I woke up this morning feeling the urge for some change, so I gave in to it this afternoon and switched our office with our bedroom. This happens sometimes – an overwhelming need for change. Sometimes I cut my hair off. Sometimes I move across a state. Sometimes I just need to put my bed in a different room.

It was all a huge pain in the ass, of course, but it was fun. I spent most of the time cleaning up dust and sweeping and mopping and was pretty appalled at how much dust/debri had gathered under everything until I realized it’s likely been 2 years since any of the furniture has been moved. Lesson learned – apparently I need to rearrange things more often.

I’m feeling it tonight – especially my back – so I’m thinking the day wasn’t a total waste movement-wise.

I counted WW points today. I don’t remember the individual points for everything, but I know my total for the day = 29. My older info says I should keep them in the range of 22-27, but I think the newer info determines an exact number. Don’t really care since I’m not doing this religiously, but either way – I’m hungry. Not sure how I’m going to do 22-27 without starving – especially on days that I’m with the trainer or otherwise actually exercise – but we’ll see.

Breakfast was 2 eggs scrambled with onion and bell pepper – salsa on top:

Lunch started as popcorn and green tea:

And ended about 3 hours later with a salad that = spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, radish slices, carrots, cucumber slices, 1 T oil and a little bit of parmesan cheese :

Dinner tonight was a turkey burger with provolone cheese and spicy brown mustard (cut into pieces because I am a FREAK about pink meat who never cooks/has no idea what I’m doing, so I have to cut it to check to make sure there’s zero pinkness) and yogurt + half a banana + 3 strawberries:

And lots of water. I’ve been very thirsty today.

I cut and brought some roses in this morning- a definite mood booster. I thought they’d be the last, but there are more ready to bloom. I am LOVING the weather.

Today has just sucked.

I woke up very early with heartburn – again. My pants were too tight, which resulted in me driving home from ATL with them unbuttoned. Jon left today for Brazil – for several WEEKS. I had no groceries when I got home … AND I discovered that my GD gym is closed today and won’t open until 5PM tomorrow.

I ran to the grocery store and bought something frozen that I could cook for dinner in less than 5 minutes, put my pajamas on, and have been doing nothing but sitting on the couch with the dog – which is great, but not ideal given my sadness re: Jon and irritation re: heartburn and unbuttoned pants. Yes, I COULD take a walk around my neighborhood or something like that, but I’ve chosen to bitch about everything instead.

Jon’s mom made breakfast for us before we left this morning – fried eggs, yogurt/fruit and a little bit of cheese.

I ate lunch in the car on the way home – smoked almonds (too salty) and a turkey breast sandwich w/spicy brown mustard, lettuce, tomato, red onion, olives and bell pepper. I was extremely hesitant to buy this, but the world hasn’t ended from a couple (very) carb heavy days here and there, so I decided it probably wouldn’t end today, either.

My fast dinner? A frozen burrito. Experienced some hesitance here, too, but WTF at this point, right?

Yogurt, strawberries and a large T of PB.

And milk.

Who knows where that came from? I can’t even remember the last time we bought milk for anything other than yogurt production. Strange craving.

I’m disappointed about the gym since I was hoping to at least be able to get up early in the AM and get it over with. Guess not.

I’m not at all disappointed in myself for making some poor food choices recently. That battle – the one where you/I eat something “bad” and then beat yourself/myself up – seems to be over, thank GOD.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be all chipper and positive. Today? My stomach hurts, my pants don’t fit, and my husband is thousands of miles away.

And really, who am I kidding – chipper?

Thanksgiving was/has been good. Had fun. Ate a lot. Ready to move on now.

I didn’t do the run. We spent Thanksgiving (and today and tomorrow) in Atlanta, and we waited and drove down on Thanksgiving morning vs. driving down the night before – a plan we finalized at 4PM on Wednesday. So … we were driving at 7AM when it started. The kid and the dog were not so happy about waking up at 5:45AM, but they slept most of the way.

We spent most of Thanksgiving cooking (well, Jon and his mom did) and eating before we had the official dinner around 6PM. It all started decently enough with an appropriate lunch – leftover ham from my mother-in-law’s work thing.

But it didn’t last long.

Jon actually said, “your favorite kind – cheap and disgusting!” when he saw the leftover birthday cake his mom had sitting out.

Then he ate some with me.

My contribution to the day? I snapped beans and talked.

The rest of the day is a blur. I ate a bunch of traditional Thanksgiving stuff and drank wine and stayed up too late and then slept like a rock until I woke up at the crack of dawn with heartburn. Was fun.

Today’s been good. We were too lazy to cook anything and had too little discipline to care, so we went to Cracker Barrel. The kid and the mother-in-law had pancakes, but Jon and I shared a big greasy meal.

The whole thing:

My portion:

(I bought a new small camera and can now whip it out and take pictures in restaurants!)

Lunch was a turkey sandwich with lots of mayo – haven’t had actual bread in ages! – and leftover dressing/gravy and some sort of ginger ale/soda.

And leftover pumpkin pie with leftover homemade whipped cream.

Dinner tonight was pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli and asparagus.

I’ve had no exercise to speak of, but I HAVE had a lot of fun hanging out, shopping and generally being slothful. 2 days is enough, though. Tomorrow? Gym. My body is stiff and aching. I haven’t even so much as stretched – skipped pilates all of last week – and I feel it.

So, I’m right back down to 191. I can eat until I’m sick. Can exercise until I’m exhausted. Just can’t get past it – either way.

I’m not complaining, much. I’m happy where I am. I’m wearing a size 12 – something I haven’t done since I was in high school. I’m eating a diet that works for me and helps me feel great. I’m still reverting back to almost daily exercise when I’m not in the midst of high stress/long hours away from home. I’m good. I’ve had way more success than I ever planned.

I just definitely feel as if I’m not done.

The drama on The Biggest Loser is almost too much for me to handle on any given night (depending on how much I’ve already dealt with all day long), but there’s no doubt that it’s inspiring. I saw the last girl who was voted off – Rebecca – on the Today show this morning. Have to say … after I had my “Ican’tbelieveshedidthisWHYisittakingmesoLONG” moment … she (her appearance/success) totally motivated me to keep going … (at least for today).

I CAN do this. I CAN make it past the low 190′s. It’s not rocket science. This is a battle that is just pissing me off.

Anyway, I’m excited about Thanksgiving. I like food. I like people. I like eating food with people. It’s absolutely my favorite holiday. It’s ONE day. One day of heavy eating is nothing (for me).

I’d like to do a race/walk of some kind that morning, but Jon wants to cook (with his mom) and I am NOT discouraging that, so I’d be on my own. Not a big deal, but I wonder if it would be weird/boring/depressing to go alone?

This weekend has been FABULOUS. We stayed home, cleaned the house, did the yard stuff we needed to do, grocery shopped, and just generally spent the entire weekend getting our house/life back in order.

Part of my heightened mood stems from the fact that I finished some research project stuff and have nothing immediately looming – I was free to just live without dread/thoughts of “I should be doing xyz” – but the majority of it comes from feeling relief that we had TIME to get stuff done.

Anyway. Good weekend. Productive.

I decided to count WW points this weekend out of curiosity. I stopped doing that a while ago, but my weight loss has stalled pretty significantly, so I thought I’d give it a shot to see where I stand. Turns out I might need more structure than just roughly counting calories/protein/carbs (which I’d also mostly stopped doing, for what it’s worth). I’m really sick of counting/measuring things – FOR SURE – so I’m just going to take it day by day – meal by meal – and see how it goes. I’m thinking I need a little portion control reminder here and there.

Jon’s home, so he’s been cooking.

We had fried eggs and a spinach/garlic chicken sausage for breakfast on Saturday:

He marinated some chicken wings in jamaican jerk stuff – SO good – but I had just one, with a salad, for lunch since I was counting points:

Dinner was a grilled pork chop and turnip greens:

I had (almost butter-less because I don’t like it greasy) popcorn while we caught up on the shows that had piled up on the DVR. What’s missing from this (bad, I know) picture is the dog. He eats about as much as I do, can catch it mid-air, and starts howling for it as soon as he hears me going through the motions to put the bag in the microwave. It’s ridiculous – and my fault.

Breakfast today = 2 fried eggs and sausage:

Jon roasted a chicken at some point this morning, so I had some of that for lunch as we walked out the door to go to the gym (which was risky – just hoped that I was eating it far enough in advance that it wouldn’t make me sick):

I had another lunch about an hour after we got home from the gym – rolled up turkey, provolone and mustard and some nuts. I’m pretty sure this is where I hit my points max for the day, which was a definite eye-opener:

Dinner was a salad with more of the roasted chicken and maybe 1/2 T rosemary lemon dressing and 1/4 cup yogurt, 2 strawberries and a large T of PB:

I did 40 minutes of cardio on the stair thing and bike and hated every fucking minute. I felt great as I left – always do – but I had to do some serious self-talk to get myself in the door. I haven’t worked out without the trainer in at least 2 months.

I’m feeling like I’ve been in a good place this weekend.

I’m not sure why I get wrapped up in wanting to set goals for myself regarding weight loss. It just DOESN’T work for some strange reason. I’ve decided to go back to where I started – primarily, no goals – if I count points/calories/whatever, I count them. If I take pictures and write about it, I take pictures and write about it. If I exercise, I exercise. If I don’t do those things? Not the end of the world. I had success when I put ZERO pressure on it/myself.

I am an obsessively goal oriented person and I keep wanting to set them. It’s very strange to me that this doesn’t work with goals, but it just doesn’t. I’ve failed every single time I’ve tried to set a goal. No goals? Lost 80 pounds.

I just can’t over-think any of this for some reason. I seemingly do better when I don’t think AT ALL. Sounds so easy, right?

Well, Boston was fun, but I seriously effed myself up. That day of fried stuff, ice cream and pizza? It ended very badly. With puking. And a loss of sleep. And a fear that I wouldn’t stop puking and would have to change my flight the next day.

I’m not sure what I was thinking. I think I was thinking that it would be ok, that it was just a weekend, what’s the harm?

I made it on the early flight, but I felt really sick the entire day – and groggy. We got home around 1:30 or so on Sunday and I was asleep by 5:30. I slept all night and didn’t wake up until 6:30 Monday morning.

I’m fine now, but damn. That weekend of eating junk put me over the edge. I just can’t do it anymore.

I am having to seriously think about what I’m doing right now. My focus is gone. I’m floating along and maintaining really well, but my priorities have shifted fairly significantly. I expected this to happen once the semester started, but I was really hoping it wouldn’t happen quite so radically.

I’m giving myself one week after this semester ends to get my shit together. After that – if I haven’t – I’m going to have to do some serious evaluation to determine what’s going on. I’m SO close to the end. I’m within 30 pounds of being DONE having to focus on weight loss. Might seem like a lot, but I’ve already lost 80. 30 more seems completely manageable.

I think I’m sabotaging myself.

Yes, I’m busy and crazy and can barely remember to take a shower on time most days because I’m so focused on other things – but that’s really not an excuse. I’ve been in school throughout the entire weight loss process. I’ve been busy. I’ve been able to prioritize, though, and make food or exercise – at least one – a major priority. Right now? Neither’s working out so well – for reasons I can’t concretely define.

I waffle back and forth each day with feeling like I’m at the right place for this point in my life and feeling like I’m failing myself because I’m so close, yet not following through.

I have NEVER been more ready for a semester to end. It’s been good, but I need some time to breathe.

My (very loose) goal is to get through November and to then make myself (and weight loss) my goal for the entire month of December. I think that’s fair.

Another list – that’s about all I have the energy for.

(1) We drove to Provincetown today.

(2) It rained all day.

(3) We ate lunch at The Lobster Pot. VERY good.

(I had clam chowder, Jon had lobster bisque.)

(We split a lobster ravioli appetizer.)

(Pumpkin bread + rolls.)

(We split the salad + homemade dressings.)

(We split some fried stuff – fish, scallops, calamari, shrimp.)

(4) We stopped and got ice cream somewhere between Provincetown and Boston.

(All mine.)

(5) Did I mention it rained all day?

(6) We ended the day with pizza again. Ate this one sitting in bed.

(Hot green tea and beer – classed up in the plastic cup – next to the bed.)

(7) I feel sick.

(8) I love my life.

I’m eating my way through Boston this weekend.

Jon has been here working, so I flew up on Thursday to hang out with him.

A few things of note have happened:

(1) I ate a sandwich at the ATL airport that was 691 (!!!) calories and 84g (!!!) carbs. One chicken salad SANDWICH.

(2) For some reason, I thought bringing a coat to BOSTON in NOVEMBER would be too much trouble. So I didn’t bring one. And I froze Thursday night. Good thing about the NE – LL Bean IRL. I bought a MEDIUM coat. I don’t think I’ve ever bought a medium anything. I really try hard not to care about stuff like that, but I spent many years not being able to walk into a store and just shop. It’s still a big deal. I’m kind of glad I’m a dumbass – love the coat – good thing since it’s COLD and windy (and now rainy).

(3) I’d never had a Dunkin’ Donuts donut until yesterday. They’re everywhere.

(4) We happened to show up at a visitors center right as a Freedom Trail walking tour was starting – so we did it. 90 minutes of history, but not much walking. It was fun.

(5) I just don’t like lobster. We ate at Durgin-Park at the end of the tour because we wanted heat and food quickly, pretty much in that order. I tried once again to eat lobster – lobster roll this time, thinking the mayo would help – but I just can’t do it. I ended up switching with Jon and eating his baked macaroni and cheese. We had some chowder, too.

(5) Public transportation is a great way to encourage exercise – especially if you get lost at the end of a full day of walking. I think I walked 100 miles yesterday, 50 of those being around Harvard Square last night looking for our effin’ bus stop. (Using the GPS on Jon’s phone!) We finally gave up and just got back on the train. My feet/legs are killing me today.

(6) Pizza is a great way to end a day.

I weighed last Friday. Same. I’ve decided to be happy about that.

As I see it, I’ll have to work on 3 pretty large issues to see weight change:

(1) Stop eating out every other night.

(2) Get over myself and walk to the gym.

(3) Count something – calories, WW points, SOMETHING.

This is the problem – Jon and I are bad for each other. When we’re both motivated, we’re MOTIVATED. When we’re not – or when one of is starting to lack some motivation – it’s all downhill.

He hurt his back and can’t really do anything but run. I can’t run because of my foot. My schedule is INSANE. He travels all the damn time. We both really like eating out (and very easily fall into that pattern when we’re busy). He doesn’t like to go to the gym at night. I don’t like to get up at 4AM. We like to spend as much time together as possible when he’s home. Etc.

We’re unmotivated right now.

All the healthier habits I’ve taught myself throughout the past couple of years have paid off, for sure. I’m not gaining. I’m (mostly) not eating shit every day. I’m still working out with the trainer and at least think about working out alone most days.

This has been a joint thing since the beginning – still is – we’ve BOTH got to get it together and we’re just not.

I was dumping pictures from my camera and found a couple from the weekend. That’s it. Two meals. I can’t really remember, but I think it’s safe to assume that all other meals consisted of ice cream, homemade apple pie or Mexican food.

We had brats and homemade sauerkraut for breakfast on Saturday. I swore I wasn’t going to eat the homemade sauerkraut and risk death, but it’s not so bad. Not dead yet, anyway.

Jon made beef stew on Sunday.

I don’t know about yesterday – it’s a blur. Tonight? I was on my own for dinner – a salad that consisted of mixed greens, red onion, mushrooms, blue cheese, green olives and rosemary/lemon dressing + a turkey burger with swiss cheese on top + spicy brown mustard + green beans from a can. Not sure what’s going on, but I was apparently craving some really strong flavors.

I worked out with the trainer at 6 this morning and am going back tomorrow. I am committed to doing some cardio tomorrow, too.

I WILL DO IT.

On a completely unrelated topic, I just opened skype for the first time in a really long time – apparently since 2007 – and have been reading all of the text conversations that happened during some of Jon’s various overseas trips. This is the text/IM conversation that cracks me up the most and that very adequately describes my personality vs. Jon’s:

Me: I HAVE A CRISIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: A SLUG came in one of the boxes and now it’s on the floor!!!!
Me: I can’t touch it!!!!!!!!!!
Me: OMG! I HATE SLUGS!
Me: MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
Jon: …. Use a napkin

I’m really not kidding when I say he’s a patient saint.

I have been irrationally and freakishly intensely craving sugar today.

I didn’t eat much for breakfast – a hard boiled egg and a slice of swiss cheese – but I ate a decent lunch (BBQ). Unfortunately, I walked in the door to the BBQ place and saw a picture of a hot fudge cake.

That was all it took.

I swear I thought about that damn hot fudge cake the whole time I ate lunch. Toward the end of the meal, I casually joked to Jon that maybe we should get one. He shot it down immediately, of course, and I (quite irrationally) had the thought that I could just get one to go after he left and take it home to eat it all by myself.

The good news? I didn’t do it. Also? The thought lasted about .03 seconds before I recognized that I’m having problems today.

The hot fudge cake is NOT the issue. I eat that kind of stuff if I really want it. I don’t do deprivation.

The problem? I didn’t just want it – I was obsessing about it. I was mad when Jon didn’t want it. I didn’t want it just to want it as a casual treat. I was having crazy thoughts and I knew it.

I’d like to say that the crazy thoughts went away, but they didn’t. I’ve had to actively work on talking myself out of eating junk all day. We don’t keep much in our house, but I’ve had to talk myself out of drinking a coke (purchased for kids – which I mostly disagree with, but it’s not my call), out of eating an entire chocolate candy bar I’ve had hanging around for about a week, and out of eating some crap candy we bought for Halloween.

Not so successful on that last part.

I think I horrified myself out of wanting any more sugar after I got a slight (well, 3 small boxes) fix. I also realized, as I cried my way through the Biggest Loser, that I must be having hormone issues.

We bought this shit specifically because I knew buying any sort of chocolate would be a mistake. I had NO idea I’d ever actually consider eating it and almost didn’t even buy it to give to trick-or-treating kids because … uhh … it’s just disgusting. I didn’t throw away the leftovers because I NEVER dreamed I’d eat it.

It’s just effin’ ridiculous that I have to work so hard to talk myself out of damaging behaviors because of PMS. Seriously RIDICULOUS. My thoughts just change. I go from rational to irrational scarily quickly.

Jon put some sort of meat in the crock pot this morning and let it cook all day. We put lettuce, some pepperjack cheese, homemade guacamole, some homemade yogurt and salsa on top.

No exercise today, but I had an extremely busy day catching up on life stuff – took the car to have the oil changed, went to a dentist appointment, got my hair cut, cleaned the house, paid bills.

I’m exhausted tonight.