I woke up in a freakin’ fantastic mood today. I didn’t want to get up, of course, since it was dark and my house was cold, but once I did? I actually felt like I might be able to handle the week. I even sort of felt like some of the huge things I have going on school-wise might be manageable – and felt excited to get it all going.

It could be a result of one of a few things:

(1) The HUGE and VERY IMPORTANT exam is over and no longer looming around ruining all my free time.

(2) Yesterday’s cardio workout.

(3) I’m completely losing touch with reality.

I certainly didn’t feel this way all weekend – test was over Friday. I’m going to assume that I’m not losing it, but I’d be the last to know, I guess. So … that leaves the exercise.

I’m not sure why I forget how great a really hard workout makes me feel – AFTERWARD. It sucked very much while I was doing it, of course, and I had to flip through songs on my ipod every minute or so to keep my brain jumping around and focused on something other than the fact that I was dying – but today? I remember why it’s so addictive.

I’m sitting here now – just out of the shower – having just come home from working out again (on campus because I’m giving it one last shot before I cave and join the Y) – and I still feel freakin’ fantastic. I love strength training, but I LOVE cardio.

Breakfast and lunch were the same as usual, but tonight we had the elk roast.

I realized as I was sitting at work feeling hungry and thinking about dinner that I had no idea what an elk really even is. So I quickly googled it. And freaked out.

Turns out elk get some sort of chronic wasting disease that can POTENTIALLY (but not proven/documented) lead to some sort of fatal brain problem. I don’t know – I have a tendency to skim a lot and I only had time to check wikipedia – all I saw was ‘SIMILAR TO MAD COW DISEASE.’

I ate it (under duress) only because we paid so much for it. And because Jon convinced me that I might really be completely losing it. All I know is I have no idea where this meat came from and I better not have spent all these years stressing out over educating myself to have some damn elk meat ruin it all.

Jon put it in a crockpot this morning with some carrots and onions and let it cook all day. Pretty simple. Tasted just like beef to me so I’m thinking I don’t see the point in paying so much for it.

Today’s been good. I love lazy weekends at home.

Jon made breakfast – fried eggs and bacon.

We ran some errands sometime mid-morning – including picking up some more groceries and checking out a YMCA.

The last of the weekly groceries = spinach, mushrooms, blueberries, coffee, nuts, babybels, tiny cucumbers and a pumpkin.

The YMCA we checked out was tiny – DRASTICALLY different than the huge gym on campus – but they gave me a 7 day pass to try it out.

We ate lunch while we were out and tried to do our best to not eat a bunch of crap, but our success is questionable.

I was starving and felt like my body needed protein in a serious way, so I ordered a hamburger. The menu said it had pimento cheese, some sort of onions and jalapeños on it. The onions turned out to be breaded and fried – disappointing – but I ate them anyway. I ate it bun-less with a side of chili.

Jon had BBQ with parmesan spinach and some sort of yellow squash concoction.

We split a salad, too.

We passed up the bread, my bun and picked off some sort of fried potato things that were on the salad.

Jon was disappointed that the lunch was more carb heavy than planned and we were both feeling it, so we took a walk outside the restaurant around some office park.

He did some push-ups, too, because he’s crazy.

Honestly, I thought the whole thing (including the walk) was nuts – it totally helped combat the sluggishness, though, and kept us from feeling tired all afternoon.

We hung out most of the afternoon doing nothing before heading to the (campus) gym. I did 40 minutes of cardio – felt great.

I haven’t been very hungry tonight, so I ate just a few ounces of chicken (dipped in spicy mustard) and some yogurt/blueberries/walnuts/PB for dinner.

I am SO not ready for the weekend to end. Very seriously not ready.

I made an executive decision today. I’m NOT buying a damn bike since Jon is so opposed to it, but I AM joining a regular gym.

The (school) gym I’ve been using for the past couple of years is incredibly inconvenient this semester. I generally have to park very far from it if I want to be close to my building, nothing I do is anywhere near it and I never want to go at random times (like yesterday afternoon) because it’s just a pain in the ass to find somewhere to park. And the BS that’s required to go during any sort of sporting event? Irritating. I know – sounds crazy that I’m complaining about walking to a GYM to workout, but it’s not the exercise portion of the walk that bugs me – it’s the fact that it’s generally DARK and sometimes rainy and soon cold when I have to do the walk. My motivation level is already low given the crazy amount of stuff I generally need to accomplish on any given day – add in a LONG walk in the dark or especially the rain and forget about it. Not happening.

Cardio has almost completely dropped off lately and I can see that the gym is the problem. It has always been fairly easy to work the inconvenience into my schedule. Right now? Not so much.

Jon thinks it’s pretty prissy of me to join a gym just so I can drive to it and walk right in. I say WHO CARES. I will gladly exchange thirty effing dollars a month for some convenience. I’m thinking it’s better than spending that money on xanax and subsequent REHAB, right? I’m headed there if I don’t get the stress under control.

I need to shake it up, anyway. I’m hoping the novelty factor keeps me excited about it for at least a month.

We did some grocery shopping today. I don’t think Jon prepared a list ahead of time, but I think he had some meal ideas in mind.

2 whole chickens
1 Elk rump roast (which I’ve never had and hope it doesn’t taste awful because it was EXPENSIVE)
Pork sausage
2 Hot Italian sausages
1 Elk teriyaki jerky thing (for me)
2 Sauces
Swiss chard
Head of cabbage
Butternut squash
Yellow squash
Zucchini
2 Onions
2 Apples
2 Cartons of eggs
Butter

Not the best picture in the world, but this is pretty much what’s in our refrigerator at any given time:

Jon roasted both of the chickens tonight – one for dinner and one to store for salads for the rest of next week.

We also had swiss chard.

I was craving ice cream after dinner, so I created a concoction that I hoped would replace it – yogurt, walnuts, blueberries, a spoonful of natural PB, a spoonful of pumpkin and some melted chocolate.

It was ok. I’m not a huge fan of plain pumpkin (pie is a different story, of course) but Jon was adding it to his yogurt – had to give it a try.

It has been a spectacularly gorgeous day. We had the windows open all afternoon and I just loved it. I want the weather to stay just like today forever, please.

So, I went to the testing place yesterday and took the HUGE and VERY IMPORTANT exam and left feeling completely drained and stupid and hungry.

Interesting side effect of the whole thing – the situation highlighted another example of my changed life. 2 years ago, I would’ve stopped at McD’s, no doubt. I would’ve deserved it. I would’ve been entitled to it. Yesterday? It entered my mind for a very brief second, but was gone almost immediately. I thought about stopping to pick up a salad, but again … even that thought was gone almost immediately.

This goes a long way in confirming to me that my work to change my lifestyle was work to fight an addiction of sorts. The similarities between changing my eating habits and stopping smoking (I smoked for ≈ 8 years and quit ≈ 3 years ago) are unbelievable. I’d never compare it to drug addiction – at least MY eating issues experience – but it’s very similar, for sure. The thoughts are still there, though lessening – I have to work to control them – I’ve had to work to change my behavior – still have to work on changing my behavior.

I’ve been worried that this semester and the ensuing bullshit would cause a full relapse (of sorts), but it just hasn’t.

We’re trying our best to maintain the commitment we made to not overdo it for the next 8 weeks, but we’re also trying to figure out ways to continue to eat at the restaurants we really like.

Learning to eat appropriately at restaurants has been last on my list, but it’s time.

Jon thought we would be able to go to the Indian place and be ok, so we went last night. I definitely didn’t overdo it, but I still wound up eating more carb-heavy stuff than he did.

I ate some of the crispy bread thing. No idea what it is, exactly, and I’ve never asked. I ate it because I LOVE the green chutney. Not sure what it is about green condiments, but I seem to love them all.

We ordered a chicken appetizer.

It came with another appetizer, which we were told was complimentary when we questioned it. I guess we could’ve told them we didn’t want it, but we didn’t.

We ordered a spinach/chicken dish and a shrimp dish.

No naan (and I really didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would). Jon ate none of the rice, but I ate maybe 2 spoons of it.

Overall, not too bad. I think we might be able to continue to eat there. Next time – no crispy thing, no fried appetizer and no rice. I ate just a small amount of each, but still wound up feeling bloated with a slight stomachache. Not worth it.

I really want to stop my all or nothing restaurant attitude – last night was a good first step, I think.

Weekends typically go to hell because we go out to eat and I just eat whatever. I think we both understand that complete abstention is not the way to go – moderation has been what we’ve relied on throughout it all and what has been most effective – so working toward incorporating things we WANT to eat with healthy moderation seems to be a good idea.

I will be surprised if I make it through this semester with my sanity intact.

The bad part: I am feeling unbelievable levels of stress. The good part: I’m handling it pretty well.

(If handling it well can mean not eating everything in sight. If handling it well means being happy and positive and full of joy for life … well … that’s another story.)

It occurred to me as I was driving home from my session with the trainer today that I live a life just completely different than anything I’ve ever known. I woke up at 5:45AM to work on some stuff, dealt with school all day, have a HUGE and VERY IMPORTANT exam to take tomorrow that I feel the need to keep preparing for, obviously … and yet I still maintained my commitment to exercise and not eat a bunch of comfort food/shit. 3 years ago? Never would’ve happened.

I guess I just never imagined my life would be this way. My eating habits and my attitudes toward health and wellness, in general, were incredibly screwed up. None if it mattered. Things fell apart during times of high stress – definitely didn’t continue to care about what went my mouth and can 100% guarantee exercise wouldn’t have happened.

I’m amazed sometimes at how much I’ve changed – especially at how radically my coping methods have changed.

I ate breakfast at 6 this morning since I was up working on some stuff. I am typically never hungry that early, but I think the calorie restricting I’m doing is making me hungrier than normal. Typical – scrambled (in butter) eggs, yogurt/fruit.

(My camera is fixed. Jon took it to a camera store and they determined that something was wrong with the lens – and fixed it. I didn’t realize I’d miss it so much.)

I packed my lunch as I made my breakfast. An apple, a few cheese cubes and leftovers from last night – the sauce was bottled sauce with lots of Italian sausage added (and probably some other stuff I’m not aware of since I didn’t cook it) – we ate that on top of (and underneath as leftovers) roasted squash and onion (that had parm cheese and some herbs on top).

Tonight’s dinner was seriously fabulous. I don’t know how it was made. Jon said he made it up while driving to the grocery store – based on stuff we already had on hand. FABULOUS. He used another bottled sauce (this time Vodka sauce) and added onions, garlic, bacon and chopped up chicken. He put that on top of chopped up and sauteed asparagus and mushrooms.

SO. GOOD.

Someday I might talk about The Biggest Loser and what a load of bullshit it is and about how I can’t stop watching … but not tonight. I’m rapidly approaching the point where I’m close enough to this HUGE and VERY IMPORTANT exam that I’m going to start puking from nervousness.