Today has been really, really good. I had a minor (well, major-ish) freak-out when Jon planned a short trip for this weekend because I have a million things to do, but I’m glad he did it and I’m glad I got over myself and I’m glad he’s willing to put up with my craziness.

Jon made breakfast at home before we left: bacon, scrambled eggs and yogurt with a few walnuts, blueberries and raspberries.

We left home and headed through the Great Smoky Mountains National Park to get to the Blue Ridge Parkway, which is where we spent most of the day. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, so I’m glad we took advantage of it.

Jon packed a simple picnic lunch – chicken wings (that he marinated with some jamaican jerk stuff and cooked last night – we ate them cold today), an apple with a little PB and cheese.

Very nice – peaceful – day.

We arrived at tonight’s hotel and were given WARM chocolate chip cookies. I can pass up a lot of things, but warm? I just have zero desire to resist.

Got to the room and found even more junk. WHY DO THEY DO THIS? I have no desire to eat this stuff … not a challenge to pass it up … but seriously. Just seems like this place is hellbent on making sure we eat some chocolate tonight.

I didn’t take any pictures at dinner because the place was dark and packed, but it was a basic chain seafood place that happened to be within walking distance of the hotel. Jon, his child #3 and I all split the meal. Jon seemed skeptical about sharing 3 ways, but it was plenty of food, for sure.

I have an absolutely fabulous husband. He planned and took care of the whole weekend – I didn’t even know where we were staying tonight until I thought to ask about mid-way through the day. I’m very lucky.

Well … 192.0 again today. No change WHATSOEVER. I guess I should be happy that I’m very easily maintaining this weight (versus gaining) given the craziness of life right now, but I’m not. AT ALL. I’m going to have to get serious about changing something. It’s apparently not exercise – I added 2 hours this week.

I can’t even begin to describe how much I do NOT want to count calories every day.

I know I have a choice to make – and I know constantly bitching about it isn’t productive – was just hoping I could up the exercise and see at least a LITTLE change.

Anyway – I was catching up on blog reading/procrastinating and watched this video Tess posted:

That, of course, led to this one (which is a great portrayal of what I envisioned my very first gym visit to look like):

Which led to one that’s … interesting … or something:

Moral of the story: I have a problem.

I won’t count calories because I claim to have no time, but I’ll sit and watch a man pose and flex for 5 minutes and will then break out my DSM … and will then be even MORE curious to find out what the internet has to say that I’ll read all about muscle dysmorphia/bigorexia.

Yeah. Slight problem with procrastination.

Today was typical. Jon put a roast in the crockpot with a few potatoes, carrots, onions and rutabagas. I didn’t eat much since I’m apparently going to have to starve myself, but it was excellent . Beef this time – no more elk. Too stressful.

(Edited to add: I added 2 hours of strength stuff. NOT cardio. I did zero long/slow distances. Also? I’m open to suggestions.)

I have been feeling incredibly negative lately. VERY negative. Like – hate the world negative – except I don’t. Sit around and bitch all day negative – except I don’t do that, either (well, not much).

I am NOT handling stress well right now. I don’t like myself when I’m this way – it has to stop. I’m not a negative person. I’m cynical and (some might say) arrogant and opinionated, but that strengths perspective thing? I am SO there.

I’ve tried to figure out what’s going on with me lately and even made a list of the things that are bothering me/stressing me out … and started crossing off things I can’t control.

Turns out I can’t control much of it – but I CAN control one part: my eating and exercise. Seems stupid that I’d add that to the list, but this is a fairly large stressor given how strongly I want to make my weight loss for the goal for the year. And given the fact that I see/feel myself slipping. And have been known to eat my weight in ice cream during times of high stress.

I’m definitely seeing a pattern of craziness start to creep back in with the eating. I’m feeling stress about something (unrelated to food) … so …. I gravitate toward junk. If I don’t eat it, I sit there feeling the known stress and wanting to alleviate it with food. If I eat it, I may or may not alleviate the known stress, but I always circle right back on around to stress about the weight, anyway. I can’t win either way and I KNOW THAT.

Recognizing it has helped, but that doesn’t completely change the situation. The pattern is there. Just waiting. Food has been my coping method – always, I guess.

I’m aware and in control – most of the time. I know I need to be in control always. I know I can. It just requires some work.

I had a session with the trainer at 6AM that tremendously improved my mood. Went to pilates tonight, too.

My eating has been random throughout the day.

I ate eggs when I got home from working out.

I KNOW it’s going to be a good day when I make a huge (but not surprising, of course) mess that doesn’t result in tears.

TWO.

I was cooking some eggs at the time. Dog obedience = worth every moment spent working on it. His little tongue was sticking out and he was whining like crazy, but he wouldn’t go near it without permission.

I threw a bunch of random stuff in my bag for lunch since I spent my salad making time cleaning up eggs.

Walnuts:

An apple and some strawberries:

And cheese:

I ate a mini snickers on my way home (given to me – in a car, but I wasn’t moving):

I ate a couple more eggs when I got home – prior to pilates:

Dinner = ribs picked up from a BBQ place on the way home from pilates and some steamed asparagus:

Not the best food day, but I feel like I have a lot of energy – and it carried me through 2 (non-consecutive) hours of working out …. I’m ok.

So, I’ve scrapped the zone block thing. I sat down with the info after lunch today and tried to count the blocks/plan ahead/etc. and quickly decided I just don’t have the motivation to learn something new right now. I’m sure it’s easy and I’m sure it would likely be easier than what I’m already doing, but I just don’t have one inch of brain space to spare right now. I don’t know why I have a tendency to want to add new things to my life when I’m overextended and ready to kill myself.

I’ve been on my own all day since Jon has some work stuff going on, so my meals have been quick and easy.

No breakfast because I just didn’t feel like dealing with it. I don’t think I drank enough coffee, either, because I’ve had a headache all day. I’m trying to cut down because I want to quit altogether, but again with WHY DO I DO THIS adding stress to an already stressed state? I sometimes freak out about my teeth being stained from the coffee … but eh. I think I’d rather drink it through a straw than give it up at this point.

I found a frozen turkey burger in the freezer, so I cooked that with onion, bell pepper and mushrooms … and put some spicy mustard on top.

I had a snack sometime mid-afternoon – a small honeycrisp apple and some PB.

Dinner was sausage and peppers – the easiest meal I know how to make. I waited to eat it too late in the day and missed the sun.

My dessert? Yogurt, strawberries, raspberries and a few walnuts.

I’m hoping to make it to the gym tomorrow morning at 6AM. Not sure it’ll happen, but I’m going to try.

A year ago today, we hiked 11 miles. I guess I was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now, but I feel like my fitness level was higher/better. I feel like I was more focused then. I WAS more focused then.

Still can’t believe it, though.

Long day.

I spent about 8 hours writing a bunch of what now (upon a new reading) appears to be total shit. My vision is blurry and my brain is tired and I’m over it.

I thought about going to the gym early this morning, but I had what seemed to be a brilliant idea right at the deciding moment. Sat down and didn’t get up again for four hours – so – no gym.

Jon made the chili he was planning to make last night when he got up at 4:30 this morning (swear to god I have the best husband ever). Seemed a little strange to wake up to the house smelling like chili – it was a good thing, though. Excellent breakfast, too.

It was dark since it was early, of course, so the picture looks horrible. I tried to lighten it – just not my thing. I keep meaning to take a photoshop class at school while they’re free, but I never have time. Someday. Maybe. I do this just for fun, for sure, but it would be nice if most of the pictures didn’t look completely disgusting.

I ate chili again for lunch so I didn’t bother taking a picture. Exciting day – can’t you tell?

So … dinner …

Jon’s got some stressful stuff going on at work and has a hurting back and didn’t feel like cooking and I DEFINITELY didn’t feel like cooking anything … so we went out. AGAIN.

I’m still working on trying to eat at restaurants and not blow my whole week to hell – think I did ok tonight. We went to a Chinese place and I ordered mongolian chicken. I know the sauce on the chicken is likely full of sugar, but I didn’t eat much rice – maybe a spoonful or two. And egg drop soup. Not too bad overall.

I haven’t been weighing much, but I recorded an “official” weight this morning. I’m back up to 192. I made it down to 189 VERY briefly but it went right back up and has been there consistently. My body is just REALLY liking that fucking weight for some reason.

I’d like to say I don’t know what to do to get off this plateau and reset my body so it doesn’t think this is where it should stay eternally – but I know. I’m just not doing it. I’m just not eating clean enough and I’ve dropped cardio to almost nothing. I eat well – but I don’t measure anything. I eat ok when we eat out – but not perfectly. I am maintaining with zero thought – just maintaining a weight I DON’T WANT TO BE.

The zone block thing? I’m getting around to it.

I’m becoming pissed at myself, for sure. I say I want to do something and get it over with and JUST DO IT for chrissakes … and then I just don’t. Or it takes me a while to get around to it. Or I don’t devote much time to it.

Irritating.

I need a reset button.

So … I googled “zone diet” after thinking more about it this morning and wound up on some website – promptly clicked right the hell back out. Please be assured that when I say I’m trying the zone thing, what I’m really saying is I’m going to attempt to use this block method I learned about last night as an easier way of controlling my portions.

Basically, I’ll break everything down into protein, fat or carb blocks (not far from what I’ve already been doing) and use a chart I was provided to determine what = a block. So … I’ll essentially just use a handout to know 1 oz of chicken breast = 1 block.

The blocks are designated according to body size. I’m going with “medium female” even though I doubt I’ll ever be a “medium female” given my height (5’10″), but what the hell? My blocks are 3 (of each protein, fat and carb) for breakfast, 3 for lunch, 3 for dinner and 2 total for snacks.

I thought about trying to figure out what that will look like calorie-wise, but I’m way too lazy for that. I don’t think I’ll have a problem but I’m going to monitor the carb consumption. I haven’t thought ahead enough to really know for sure what these blocks are going to look like … and I’m not wanting to exceed 100g each day … so we’ll see.

I didn’t keep up with the block thing today as I ate and I’m too tired tonight. So … uhhh … tomorrow.

Breakfast = scrambled (in butter) eggs w/mushrooms and half of the apple I didn’t finish yesterday.

I wasn’t hungry at all throughout the day because I was very focused on other things, so I ate just yogurt and fruit for lunch (with a couple squares of melted chocolate on top) … and some cheese.

I ate some nuts around 4PM.

Jon was standing in the kitchen tonight about to make dinner (chili) when an old friend/former co-worker of his called as he was driving through town and asked us to dinner – so we went. I didn’t take a picture because I didn’t want to appear to be a freak. I had asiago cheese bisque and a baked potato with chili, cheese and jalapeños. It really wasn’t worth pushing me well over 100g carbs, but it was ok.

I’m on fall break right now … this wonderful thing that should be allowing freedom and joy and all that … but in reality is packed full of things I haven’t had time to accomplish earlier. I really have no business thinking so much about food monitoring, but it happens. Also happening that shouldn’t be happening? Shopping. To replace everything we own.

We have an absolute obscene amount of clothes to do something with. Every article of clothing we’ve ever owned prior to right now just doesn’t fit either of us. I have almost brand new stuff I bought as I was losing weight that I’ve worn maybe twice – too big. I am probably going to donate all of it, but I’ve hesitated until now ONLY because of the expense related to replacing it all.

I’ve had a yard sale exactly once in my life and I hated it. I keep bugging Jon to do it again, but only halfheartedly because the thought of dragging all of our crap out onto the driveway to have people pick through it and then haggle with me about MONEY? Not my thing. I swear “Oh, you can just have it” came out of my mouth more times than a dollar amount did.

I don’t know what to do with it all. I guess I could haul it all to a resale place, but I definitely wonder if it’s worth it.

I am NOT interested in keeping any of it just in case, for sure. I had some issues with that in the beginning, but I’m 100% comfortable letting go of my bigger clothes. Keeping it all around just sort of seems that I’m anticipating failure at some point – don’t want that.

I learned something really interesting and beneficial tonight. Turns out butternut squash is considered to be an “unfavorable” carbohydrate. Honestly – can’t really say I’m all that sad about having some justification to not eat it. I like it – and would continue to eat it since it’s in season, blah, blah, blah – but I definitely don’t love it.

We went to a nutrition talk tonight at the CrossFit location Jon goes to. It was very well done and interesting – and validating since I already do almost everything they talked about.

(The thing I don’t do? Fish oil. Jon takes those huge pills, but I just can’t.)

I am not a big fan of “diets” and haven’t followed any sort of specific diet as I’ve lost weight – I like the primal approach and I see the benefit of WW and I count calories here and there. Mostly? I just don’t eat shit. That said, I think I might try the Zone way for a little while. I’ve read (skimmed) about it before and determined it was too much trouble – but what I learned tonight wasn’t so bad – potentially easier than counting calories and carbs.

I’m not planning to change the way I eat at all – just looking for some portion control. I’m going to go back to posting pictures and info daily, too. Taking the time to do that helps me focus and keeps me accountable – so my goal is to make it one month before I reevaluate.

I need to do something. I’m losing motivation re: weight loss because …. I don’t know. I’m just tired of thinking about it. I really enjoy thinking and talking about health and fitness. The weight loss part? OVER IT. I’m not done, for sure – need to work on tightening up my portions and get it over with for chrissakes.

I still need to lose about 20 pounds to make my 2009 goal – I WILL MAKE IT if it kills me. After that? Not sure. I’ll think about it when I get there.

I just went back and read my rant about the trainer and all I have to say is … Good GOD I need a break.

My emotions are all over the place. Some days I wake up happy, some days I wake up pissed at everyone, some days I wake up motivated, some days I just can’t do it.

I have a very charmed life, I know. The stress surrounding work and school and life, in general, has just been wearing me down lately. There’s really not much I can do but try to handle it in a sane way – so I’m working on it.

One day at a time. Soon it will be over and I’ll miss bitching about it, I’m sure.

I don’t even remember what I ate prior to dinner tonight. I know I had a session with the trainer at 5PM – came home to find Jon cooking dinner. Simple – bottled sauce (with mushrooms, onions, garlic, etc. added), sausage, butternut squash and a little fresh spinach.

I have issues with sweetish things being part of my meal – don’t really like it – so I’m struggling a little with the butternut squash. I think I’m over the hump because I REALLY liked this tonight.

The weekend was a blur. Had a great time with my mom here. She brought us all kinds of fun kitchen stuff – including a programmable coffee pot. I seriously never believed my life could be enhanced so much by a coffee maker, but dang. I HATE making coffee early in the AM when I’m barely awake (even though I admittedly don’t when Jon’s here because he gets up for the day crazy early – FOUR THIRTY AM – and makes coffee then). ANYWAY, no pot – just stick the cup under the thing and it pours. Genius.

I have just one picture from the weekend – think it highlights the gist of the two days very well.

I’m surprised I still fit in my clothes.

I noticed today that I’m responding to things pretty negatively lately. I know it’s likely stress and I know I can choose to work to stop it … but it’s happening nonetheless. Great time/excuse for me to say something about something that’s been irritating the shit out of me.

I am HIGHLY irritated by people who insinuate that OF COURSE I’ve lost weight … I have a trainer. I am also HIGHLY irritated by people who pretend they couldn’t possibly have the same kind of success I’ve had simply because I have an advantage.

It’s a great defense … but it’s bullshit.

I lost about forty pounds before I ever contacted a trainer. FORTY. I started out walking on a treadmill at the same campus gym I still go to – at about 2.0 because anything else would’ve killed me. I didn’t join WW or have any outside help with food planning (even though I have admittedly joined WW 6 or 7 times – I know the ropes). I did nothing but walk into a gym and try my best to figure it out without humiliating myself.

Point is: I lost forty pounds on my own. No trainer, no guidance, nothing but a desire to just do it for chrissake.

I love my trainer, and I do believe hiring her has been one of the best things I’ve ever done … but I was doing it on my own, too. I know I could do it on my own now.

She’s a wonderful benefit – not a necessity. I was losing weight. PERIOD.

I’m a little touchy about this, for sure, but it’s just irritating. And insulting.

I don’t even go around broadcasting the fact I have a trainer. Maybe a handful of people know. A handful of people who obviously didn’t need to know.

I’m somewhat interested to find studies that have determined whether trainers = more success, but I’m seriously overextended right now. Maybe in December.

Breakfast and lunch were typical today. I had a packed night planned (home at 5:45, clean the house, laundry, dinner, trainer, grocery shopping – my mom will be in town tomorrow) … so dinner was quick. Jon just threw together some bottled sauce with Italian sausage and put that on top of spinach … parm cheese on top. It was very, very good. No need for noodles at all – I honestly don’t miss them. I risked eating this just an hour before working out – all was well, though.

Bed now. I’m exhausted.

It’s just October and I’m already pissy about having to eat all of my meals in the dark. I think I’m going to have to buy a grow light or whatever it is that people put in their houses to combat SAD.

I met with the trainer at 6 this morning before having a busy day and I’m dying tonight. I’m not necessarily sore – just tired. My muscles are slightly achy and I’m feeling like I just don’t want to move. I’m thinking I’ll be asleep by 9.

Breakfast this morning was 2 fried eggs and fruit/yogurt. I wasn’t starving since I’d just gotten home from working out, but I had to choose to either eat then or not eat at all until lunch.

I packed my lunch while I made breakfast – a salad (no dressing and no oil – I think I’ve completely weaned myself), an apple, some PB and some mixed nuts.

Jon cooked dinner tonight, as usual, and it was FABULOUS, as usual. The idea came from a recipe that we noticed at the market we often buy our meat from. We didn’t write it down, but Jon based tonight’s dinner on it.

It’s half a butternut squash topped with pork sausage. I was eating a small chunk of pepperjack cheese while it was cooking since I was starving – decided to throw some of that on top. I felt marginally concerned, but it turns out butternut squash, sausage and pepperjack cheese actually make a good combo. Even in the dark, which SUCKS, have I mentioned?