I woke up this morning to emails and texts and facebook messages … then had cards in the mail … and calls from various family members. I think it’s safe to say I feel QUITE loved today (my birthday). It’s a nice feeling. Also nice to wake up to? A completely free day to fill as I wanted – probably the last until December.

Breakfast was the same as always – minus the walnuts with the yogurt this time since I thought it might be wise to save a few calories wherever possible.

Lunch was typical, also. Jon roasted a chicken last night, so I threw some of that on top – and added a few mixed nuts, too.

I spent the morning preparing for tomorrow (first day at a new field placement/”work”) and Thursday (first day of classes). I also had to wrap up some stuff for the field placement I just ended. After that (and lunch), I was exhausted for some weird reason … so I took a nap. A TWO HOUR nap. I almost never take naps. Definitely not two hour naps.

We had plans to go out to dinner tonight. Italian food is one of those things that I’ve been completely avoiding since I invariably eat too much and wind up sick. I LOVE it, though, so tonight was the night.

We went and sat in the parking lot of my favorite local place, but it was crowded and I was still strangely tired … and Jon was sore (from crossfit) and tired. Neither of us felt excited or overly happy to be there, so we left. We didn’t want to waste the money/time/experience on a night when we weren’t really feeling it … so we wound up picking up Chinese take-out instead and eating at home in front of the tv.

Jon and I split a piece of cake (that was purchased as a slice, not a whole cake (DEFINITELY the way to go for us), at Earth Fare last night).

We skipped pilates, so I’ve had no exercise. I’m not feeling like dealing with fitday, either.

I think I’m slipping quickly into a food/carb coma.

Good day. Maybe next year I won’t use my birthday as an excuse to eat junk AT ALL. Or maybe not. Who knows?

It’s been a good year.

I read a post today on a commercial blogging site (guess that’s what you’d call it – I didn’t really investigate past this one post) that happened to say this: Weight loss is really not that hard. You just have to stick to it faithfully and wait for your reward.

Really? Not that hard? I’ve been going at this shit for almost two years. I’ve been working out, counting things, weighing food, keeping journals, and dealing with a complete emotional upheaval. My entire life has changed. Faithfully sticking to it? I ONLY WISH.

Maybe it IS easy for some people? Maybe this article wasn’t written for someone like me – someone who had (and still has) way more than 20 or 30 pounds to lose?

Weight loss is really not that hard, huh? Could’ve effin’ fooled me.

I’m touchy today. The pictures that I found (and posted) yesterday have had a fairly profound and surprising impact. Honestly – I cry every time I look at them.

How did I wind up at that place? What happened to me? I wasn’t unhappy – I didn’t feel out of control. I loved myself and my life and didn’t have hang ups about being overweight. I just … what? I was ok being that overweight and unhealthy?

I know I felt as if weight loss would be impossible. Too much, too hard, too many prior failures. I think I rationalized that it was ok to be overweight and unhealthy because I felt as if I had no choice. I think I suppressed the hopelessness and despair I felt at my increasing size because I didn’t know what else to do.

I never dreamed I’d make it as far as I’ve made it. I never thought I’d break the 200 barrier, for sure.

I’ve had to work really hard to overcome a lot to lose 80ish pounds. I will probably feel differently tomorrow – especially since (disclaimer:) I read all kinds of things that I don’t agree with and am 100% ok with/appreciate other viewpoints/attitudes, but today? That flippant BS is offensive.

My opinion … there’s weight loss and then there’s WEIGHT LOSS.

Anyway.

Breakfast didn’t happen until 11AM or so today since I had a session with the trainer earlyish this morning. I was SO happy to be back to my normal routine. !/4 cup yogurt, 3 strawberries, a small handful of blueberries, about an ounce of walnuts and a hard boiled egg.

Lunch was a quick salad with another hard boiled egg on top.

We ate dinner tonight at Earth Fare since we needed to do our weekly grocery shopping. I had a small salad with lettuce, olives, onions, tomatoes, feta, a couple squash slices and a little oil. I also had a small piece of swordfish that was coated with some sort of cranberry glaze or sauce or something … and a few pieces of turkey andouille sausage that had been cooked in a creole sauce. (I miss my little camera. Had to use my phone for dinner.)

I had to completely guess at fitday re: dinner since the fish and turkey sausage were both cooked with some sort of sauce. I think this is probably a somewhat low estimate: 1,643 calories, 117g fat, 80g carbs, 79g protein.

Exercise/Activity – 1 hour session with the trainer.

So … Jon and I were poking around through his mom’s thousands of pictures this morning and found some that almost stopped my heart.

May 2006

Today.

I’m so worried about how far I have to go that I forget to think back to where I started.

I don’t recognize that person.

I think I’m the same person, but how can I be the same person?

My entire way of living has changed.

I am feeling incredibly lazy today. I need to workout, but I’m never motivated when I’m away from home, busy and having fun doing other things.

I have ZERO excuse and I know it. Jon did a quick workout this morning in his mom’s kitchen while I watched, nagged him to smile and ate my eggs.

He’s used to having to do stuff in hotels/on the road, so it’s not a big deal to him (he travels with a jump rope in his suitcase, for chrissake) – for me, I’m all lazy all the time when I’m away from home. I need to work on this, definitely.

We had a fun lunch with everyone – carnitas. I ate two corn tortillas and a few chips – and more cake (that’s technically for my birthday, so I just had to) (in addition to the pork, homemade guacamole, cheese, etc.) Feeling stuffed full of crap/carbs again and have been scrounging through cabinets looking for tums. It was all GOOD, though.

There’s a reason we’re here – Jon’s mom is a huge Paul McCartney fan, so she took Jon and his two brothers to see PM @ Piedmont Park. Jon wasn’t too happy about insistence that he wear sunscreen, but I’m sure they’re having fun.

I’m at home (his mom’s home) sitting on the couch watching tv. There’s a kettlebell in my sight, so we’ll see if I get my lazy self off the couch and do something with it.

I’m doubting I’ll eat any dinner since I had such a huge lunch. There’s cake taunting me from the kitchen, but I keep telling myself it’s JUST. NOT. WORTH. IT. (except I know it totally is.)

Tomorrow – fasting, if I can take it.

Today’s theme: SUGAR.

Breakfast was ok. We (Jon’s mom and I) had to be at the airport fairly early to pick Jon up, so we waited to eat (at a restaurant) until we had him. I had a couple scrambled eggs, bacon and 3-4 bites of the hashbrowns. No picture because my small camera is broken and I was too paranoid to whip out the larger one.

Lunch was pizza. Absolutely fabulous pizza. I don’t know if it’s just been so long since I’ve had pizza or if this pizza was really special or if I was really hungry from a crazy busy morning or what, but it was GOOD – and at Mellow Mushroom – a place we don’t typically frequent. We split a white pizza of some kind. Olive oil, feta, parm, sun-dried and fresh tomatoes … and I don’t know what else. It was good.

We stopped for ice cream afterward, which was completely my idea. Pizza + ice cream unleashed a brutal sugar storm unlike any I’ve seen in a long time, for sure.

I just HAD to have a mini pecan pie from the farmers market not two hours later. And I just HAD to eat a few small bites of the brownie Jon picked out.

We ate half of each before dinner – which was flounder, kale and tomatoes from his mom’s garden.

His mom offered cake and ice cream after dinner – and I think it’s safe to say I didn’t hesitate even a fraction of a second. I had already been thinking about the other half of the pecan pie and was planning to eat that – but CAKE? And more ice cream? Suuuuure. (We ate outside in the dark.)

The pizza (carbs) + ice cream triggered some craziness, but it’s ok. I keep telling myself it’s just one day – except I know it’s not. Unfortunately, I’m now going to have to spend tomorrow working harder than I typically do to turn down/avoid the sugar/carbs. And probably Sunday, too. One day realistically = 3 or 4 days of emotional BS as I try to regain willpower.

I love sugar so much … but it’s fucking evil. My behavior re: it just isn’t normal. One bite snowballs me straight to over-indulgence.

I don’t feel guilt. I did it, I enjoyed it and I’m glad I ate it all. It was fun … very worth it. Every instance of negative behavior gives me a chance to correct it, work on it, and reinforce good behaviors – so I guess something positive could come from it. I’m choosing to see it that way right now, anyway, as I sit and moan and groan about how awful I feel.

No exercise. Not interested in dealing with fitday. VERY happy Jon’s back.

Today was my last day at my current field placement (work). I hate goodbyes and all that emotional shit. I’m not good at it. I cry sometimes when my dog looks at me cutely (and nobody’s around). Ending a pretty great work situation? Guaranteed headache from emotion suppression.

Fortunately – or NOT – Jon was in the midst of a flight crisis, so I had a bunch of texts from him to distract me as I was leaving. His first flight was delayed, OF COURSE, so he was going to miss his connection home. Tried to work around it – had to stay another night and wait on a flight tomorrow (Friday) morning, though.

Totally effed up our weekend plans – which were supposed to start tomorrow (Friday) morning – so we made alternate plans and I rushed home, packed, cleaned the house up a little and headed to Atlanta (approx 3 hour drive). I got here around 10 PM – completely exhausted.

My breakfast this morning = eggs, yogurt/fruit.

My packed lunch = salad again w/a T oil and vinegar and some mixed nuts.

And some peach slices.

Dinner was a problem since I was trying to get out the door in a hurry. I had absolutely nothing on hand at home and had no idea what to do since I couldn’t actually get out of my car and go IN anywhere d/t Henry and the heat.

I settled on an Arby’s salad that was actually pretty decent. For some freak reason, I thought I’d be able to eat it and DRIVE. Had to pull over and sit in a sketchy parking lot.

I brought some nuts, a nectarine and water with me.

I’m starting to wonder how I ever existed on fast food. Everything about it turned me off today. Waiting in line in my car, rude employees, questionable food … It’s just not appealing. I swear I would’ve never believed it if someone had told me I’d feel this way someday. Jon will never let me live this down since I used to claim all kinds of love for fast food, but I’m just not interested anymore – at all. Very strange.

I haven’t exercised at all and I’m not going to. Not dealing with fitday, either. Too tired.

I’m picking Jon up at the ATL airport in the morning. Can’t wait. I miss him.

Long day.

Breakfast = 1/4 cup yogurt, 3 strawberries, some blueberries and an ounce or so of walnuts – to go.

My packed lunch = salad w/a chicken breast (leftover from a couple nights ago), 1 or so T of olive oil/vinegar combo and some mixed nuts. I threw in a babybel on the way out the door because I thought I might eat it mid-morning, but I didn’t. Ate it mid-afternoon instead.

Dinner = leftover sausage and peppers and some asparagus I didn’t eat. The steamer thing was in the dishwasher (being washed), so it was a toss up between microwaving the asparagus and cooking it in a pan – neither of which I’d ever done. I’m a freak re: vegetables and can’t stand to have anything on them – no butter, no oil, etc. unless they’re cooked in/with something (like the peppers w/the sausage). We steam everything and eat it plain/uncovered – maybe a little s&p. ANYWAY – point is, I decided to cook the asparagus in a pan with a little butter. Not sure what the hell I was thinking or why the butter seemed so strong and awful since I’m fine with it otherwise … one bite had me gagging. I hate wasting food, but damn. No way.

Dessert = a peach.

The snack I just finished eating = pepperjack cheese and a pickle.

1,932 calories, 147g fat, 80g carbs, 82g protein.

Exercise/Activity = stretching. 3 strength training sessions and one intense pilates class in two days hasn’t left me sore – surprisingly – but I feel achy.

I keep forgetting a Very Important thing that happened – well, two Very Important things, actually.

(1) I bought a size 14 pair of jeans on Sunday. I very honestly can’t remember a time I’ve worn a 14. Maybe HS, but definitely not later than that. I was a little afraid to try them on because I didn’t want to deal with the BS if they didn’t fit – but they did. So I bought them. Size is definitely not THAT important to me – and I mostly haven’t thought about it since that day – but I won’t lie – it was nice to see a change since the scale moves so. slowly.now. I was wearing a 22/24 when I started losing weight/getting fit/becoming healthier.

(2) I can wear some pajama pants I bought at Target on clearance for $2 or some other ridiculously low amount – can’t exactly recall WHY I bought them since they didn’t fit OR when I bought them – prior to the holidays at least … I remember thinking about taking them to NYC @ Christmas. At Christmas? Couldn’t get them over my hips. Sunday? Too big. Again – clothes are not my motivator – but I needed to see something happening.

I think I first heard about non-scale victories @ MizFit’s blog, but I searched and can’t find anything, so … not sure … I heard about it somewhere. As someone starting out with a large amount of weight to lose, I kind of thought it was BS. Now? They’re important. Now? I can let go of scale angst.

There is a LARGE difference between someone needing to lose 100 pounds and someone needing to lose 30 pounds (ha, but seriously). Scale victories are the only that mattered to me at first – and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I can move on now.

The part of the whole thing I’m most happy about – I didn’t reward myself with food when I saw success. It just didn’t enter my mind – no talking myself out of it, no bargaining, no “I deserve it.” Nothing. That has got to be the most profound non-scale victory I’ve had. Ever.

I woke up before the crack of dawn this morning for no explainable reason. The one morning I have nowhere to go and nothing to immediately do, of course. I went ahead and ate something since my session with the trainer wouldn’t be happening for a few hours. (1/4 cup yogurt w/3 strawberries, about a handful of blueberries and maybe an ounce and a half of walnuts)

Lunch was a typical salad with a chopped up chicken breast (made extra last night) and 1 T olive oil/vinegar combo. And a pickle.

I ate a few celery sticks with natural PB (and one plain) … and another pickle … sometime mid-afternoon.

I was on my own again for dinner … unfortunately … so I waited until I was done with pilates. I threw some red onion, green pepper, orange pepper, yellow squash and smoked sausage into a skillet and stirred it a little and ate it. I wasn’t overly happy about eating so late – 9PM – but that’s how it worked out.

Exercise/Activity = 1 hour with the trainer this morning and pilates tonight.

2,046 calories, 160g fat, 74g carbs, 80g protein.

I’m feeling a little pissy tonight because I just discovered that my small point and shoot camera is broken. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with the other one (DSLR) and I haven’t had time/inclination to really figure it out, so this is bad news. I just take pictures – I’m not a photographer. Lately, though, I’m wanting more control and I don’t know how and it PISSES ME OFF. I need a class or something – except not. I need a crash course.

Or I need to stop worrying about it and go to sleep. Up early after sleeping horribly + 2 hours of exercise + husband in CANADA (meaning international cell coverage, which seems RIDICULOUS) + car malfunction (panic honking thing on the key thing broke, I guess, and wouldn’t stop the honking – even though I never touched the GD button. yeah, it was as embarrassing as it sounds.) + broken camera = cranky times.

So, I’ve racked up FAIL #2 and have completely blown the blog/pictures every day portion of the challenge I created.

Oh, well. Definitely not the end of the world.

I got sidetracked last night and never got around posting yesterday, but I DID take pictures with good intentions. The day was sort of hectic – it started with us sleeping late (for us), then eating breakfast, then driving, shopping … lots of talking, no lunch, dinner cooked by Jon and then … I don’t know .. before I knew it we were falling asleep on the couch. It was fun, but it flew by.

Yesterday’s breakfast = a standard omelet and potatoes for both of us at a small restaurant somewhere in NC – and something called livermush that Jon wanted to try. We had no idea what it was and I wasn’t overly interested in trying anything with liver as part of the name. Liver + MUSH? Nothing about that sounds good, right? The shape/appearance/dog foodishness turned me off completely … I sniffed it but didn’t taste it.

Turns out it’s a Southern United States foodstuff composed of pig liver, head parts, and cornmeal. Further info – It is commonly prepared by cutting a slice off of a prepared loaf and frying it with grease in a skillet until golden brown, much like you would Spam.

Think I would’ve been just fine having never discovered this. I’m thinking Jon probably feels the same way since he ate one bite.

We skipped lunch since we were busy and just had an early dinner. Roasted squash, jarred sauce with mushrooms, onions, and other stuff added to spruce it up, a chicken breast (meat pulled and shredded and mixed in with my sauce) and some parm cheese on top:

We didn’t do any proper exercise and I didn’t bother with fitday.

Today has been ok. I woke up hungry, so I ate something small on the way to the trainer’s house:

Big mistake. I felt sick for a couple of hours after working out over THAT. I guess I should’ve known better, but I was hungry.

I ate a couple of scrambled (in butter) eggs with green onions and pepperjack cheese around 12:30PM:

I ate again around 3PM – a salad just like all the others I eat – and COMPLETELY spaced on taking a picture. I didn’t remember until I was taking my very last bite.

I was invited to a 30 minute express sculpt class at a friend’s gym, so I went to that at 5:30PM before coming home and eating again around 7PM. My simple dinner = a chicken breast cooked w/olive oil and dried basil and some steamed asparagus:

My snacks tonight = a pickle and a nectarine:

Odd combination, I know. I freakin’ LOVE pickles. I wish I was motivated enough to learn how to make them myself … but … who am I kidding?

Exercise/Activity = 1 hour with the trainer and a 30 minute express sculpt class.

Calories = 1,508, fat = 106g, carbs = 52g, protein = 97g.

I’m sleepy.

We woke up pretty early this morning and decided sometime mid-breakfast to go on a short road trip. We have the weekend free of obligations … so … why not?

The breakfast we were eating (prepared by Jon) = eggs scrambled with spinach, onions and asparagus and (Jon’s homemade) yogurt with 1/2 a mashed up banana mixed in … and some blueberries and walnuts thrown on top. (Tastes almost just like banana bread.)

We found a pet friendly hotel that required few points, cleaned the house, did a few loads of laundry, packed and were out the door by 11:45 AM.

We picked up some snacks about 2 hours in because I was STARVING despite the fasting that was supposed to be going on. We hadn’t packed any food and hadn’t planned to eat on the way … had to stop at a gas station. I am not cut out for planned starvation.

We decided to have a picnic in the hotel room for dinner vs. going out, so we picked up a few things at a nearby grocery store. Steam-in-the-bag broccoli, asiago cheese, ham, pears, a peach and olives.

Only problem is the whole room reeks of broccoli now.

I ate about 2 wedges.

And this whole peach despite it not being very mushy.

2 or 3 olives.

I don’t generally drink alcohol at all … but …

I haven’t done fitday calculations, but I feel very sure this is all < 1850 calories and < 100g carbs. Exercise/activity? Not so much today. Yesterday? Didn't post because I was busy/tired. Fully aware I've racked up one FAIL for the challenge.

We're having fun. I have no idea where we are – somewhere in NC, near Charlotte.