Apparently I am incapable of existing without sinus/allergy issues. Headache for the fifteenth day in row? Normal, I guess. I think I’ve determined I’m just allergic to everything.

I didn’t take a picture of breakfast this morning because it was the same as always – scrambled eggs and fruit/yogurt. I keep thinking I’m going to try something new, but I haven’t. I’m not sure why I feel this way – I existed on cereal for years – yes, I may have changed the brand/type or method (with milk or a bar) – but it was cereal day in and day out nonetheless. This new breakfast regime is very much worth the little bit of extra effort and little bit of sleep I give up to have time to prepare everything, though, for sure.

I attended a staff retreat today for work – lunch was provided. I contemplated taking my own, but decided the sheer rudeness of that would far outweigh the sleepiness I might feel after eating a carb-heavy lunch – so I didn’t. One lunch definitely won’t kill me – especially since I am not exactly 100% commited to any way of eating.

I minimized the damage by bypassing the chips AND dessert. I passed up WARM/freshly baked coconut cream pie, brownies with hot fudge and some kind of trifle situation with ladyfingers on top. I even passed it up a second time when everyone was dishing up all the leftovers to-go at the end of the day.

I sometimes don’t know what has come over me.

Other times, I think I might have it somewhat figured out – I make different choices because I want a different life. Chips and pie weren’t worth it to me today because I’d just had nachos and pizza throughout the weekend – and since I prefer chips with guacamole – and prefer my pie with coffee – and prefer to ENJOY those things vs. eating them while trying to pay attention to the work material being discussed around me.

The shift in my thinking about food has been profound … I’m constantly being confronted with situations like today that highlight that. I didn’t HAVE to eat that stuff today. Not a very profound statement unless you have or understand jacked up eating patterns, I’m sure.

Jon cooked dinner tonight. Grilled pork chops, kale, 1/2 a sweet potato with butter and a sour cream and a couple slices of a tomato from our garden.

The kale was new (to me) – Lacinato Kale. He roughly chopped it and sauteed it with garlic, onions and a little olive oil.

The garden is still producing here and there.

We have no idea what this is or how we grew it.

We ran a few errands tonight – came home craving sugar/carbs like CRAZY. The pizza and nachos (Saturday and Sunday) totally screwed me. I ate two bites of a bar that’s been around for the past 4 or 5 months.

Not worth even two bites. I would’ve been better off eating an actual candy bar.

Hanging out with my boys tonight.

It seems like the weekend just flew by (probably because I slept through half of it). On one hand – I’m happy – I’m ok with the rest of this year flying on by. On the other hand – I wish I could pause our weekends at home together and drag them out indefinitely.

We ate leftover chicken for breakfast – SO GOOD. Maybe not better, but definitely quite good the second day.

We had kids here and were busy, so Jon picked up a take & bake pizza for lunch. I had 2 pieces.

I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, but I generally feel better. In fact, I felt so much better after today’s nap that I woke up wanting to go to the gym. We got dressed and drove to it, but there were tons of people on campus and I just didn’t feel like dealing with a crowded gym … so we drove back home. Lame, I know – my heart just wasn’t in it – Jon wasn’t too excited, either.

I’m not eating dinner. The pizza made me feel bloated and gross, so that’s it for the day. I might eat some fruit later … maybe.

I did a little shopping this morning, but just wasn’t able to bring myself to spend a lot of money on clothes that I might not be able to wear long (and I didn’t have a ton of time). I think I might almost be ready to go down another size, so I felt hesitant. I need to get my shit in gear and lose the last 22 pounds and get it over with – or at least evaluate from there. I hate feeling in limbo.

I’m not ready for another week. I’m ready to quit eating junk like pizza and nachos … but everything else? I’m working on positive thoughts.

So … to say last week sucked would be an understatement. Today? Even worse than last week.

Last week I was busy and frantic and stressed trying to figure out how to make job/school/life work together. It always happens the first week of classes, so I expected it. Today, though, I’m just flat-out sick. So far I’ve been asleep far more than I’ve been awake, for sure. I am just enough a hypochondriac to believe I have the swine flu, so I’ve been moaning and whining and planning my funeral all day.

Jon made (almond flour) pancakes and bacon again this morning. The pancakes were as good as before. The bacon, though, was NOT. The meal was spontaneous – and cooked too early for our local food co-op to be open – so he had to go to a nearby grocery store and buy regular bacon. I never thought I’d turn into a food snob, but I swear I could taste a difference. Way too salty.

We did a little grocery shopping mid-morning. Came home and Jon made lunch while I slept on the couch. (Note: I am rarely afflicted by an illness that affects my ability to eat.) Homemade nachos, per my request. Chips, pepperjack cheese, lettuce, olives, jalapeños, homemade guacamole, sour cream.

I slept the rest of the afternoon – either on the couch or in bed. I think Jon took advantage of me being out of it and watched some (violent) movies he’s been saving on the dvr.

As usual, he made dinner, too. He was a little worried about this meal since it was a little different than the standard version, but it was FABULOUS – as always. He feeds us well. And he’s adorable, too.

Tonight’s dinner was a variation of chicken parmesan, but with peppers and onions and mushrooms and no noodles on the side.

He coated the chicken breasts with almond flour and fried them in olive oil.

Put them in a pan.

Chopped up the onion, peppers, garlic, rosemary, mushrooms, etc. and cooked them – then added the jarred sauce we prefer.

He poured all of that over the chicken and added the cheese. He used up the last of some asiago cheese we had leftover from our recent trip to NC … and he threw on some grated parm … and the mozzarella, of course.

I SO miss my little camera that I knew HOW TO USE. My pictures aren’t so great lately and it’s because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing re: lighting/flash.

I never would’ve believed that I could eat like this and lose weight (was pretty phobic about oils and cheeses) – but uhhh … I do.

I think I’m going to give up adding everything to fitday. I might do it here and there, but it’s annoying and time consuming and is something I can cut to make my life a little easier. I don’t really feel as if I need to do it. I’ve been doing this weight loss thing long enough to know what works for me – food-wise – and what doesn’t.

No exercise today – unless walking from the couch to the bed and back count.

Tomorrow I’m shopping. There is no way around it. I had to attend a swearing-in ceremony last week where I was sworn in by a state Supreme Court justice while wearing pants and a jacket that were two sizes too big. My big worry wasn’t that I’d screw up repeating after him while people watched (which it TOTALLY should’ve been), it was that my GD pants would fall down. Ridiculous. I hadn’t worn the suit in a while and it just didn’t dawn on me that it wouldn’t fit. Not sure why I didn’t take it out/try it on last weekend when we cleaned out the closet … I guess I thought it would fit even though I’ve had to replace ALL OTHER work clothes. I know I’ve said this before, but I swear my own stupidity never ceases to amaze me.

The whole clothes thing definitely confirms that even though I’m no longer losing a lot of pounds per week, my body is changing/shrinking.

I created a new workout today. It’s entails procrastinating, leaving later than planned, needing gas, having to park a ridiculous distance from the intended building and having a fear of being late. Bonus points if you have to run up stairs and hills.

This has been an extremely stressful week. Jon came home tonight and I have a short day tomorrow, though, so things are looking up.

I weighed this morning out of curiosity – my clothes were feeling baggier than usual. 192.0. I was 194.5 last week, so I’m happy about that.

I swear I feel like I’m constantly needing new clothes now.

I’m too tired to upload the pictures I took earlier today (and they’re similar to all others – I’m thinking I need to start shaking it up re: breakfast and lunch) and I have none from dinner since we went to the Mexican place down the street (too dark inside for phone pics, for sure) … so … I’ve pretty spectacularly failed the update every day thing … but whatever. Life will get easier once I’m settled at my new job and in classes and find a good routine/schedule for all of the upcoming obligations.

I did a quick 20 minute – fairly high intensity – workout at the gym on campus today during a break in classes. It was SO needed and definitely improved my day. I used to have such a hang up about working out – needed enough time, the right circumstances, etc. Now? No pressure. It’s just easy.

I have never in my life looked so forward to a weekend.

So, today was good. I woke up and recognized that I felt “normal” as soon as my eyes opened. My first thought was “huh, I feel good” as opposed to “huh, I hate everyone today.” Good thing considering I had a session with the trainer at 6AM, classes all day, and pilates tonight.

I was listening to the news this morning and happened to catch a segment on the Today show about a woman living with vitiligo. She mentioned her struggles living in her own skin … and said something about how hard it is to struggle with something that’s so visual.

She made me think about my own issues and lack of patience for people who complain about not being treated adequately because of their weight (another very visual struggle) … and I started questioning why I react, in general, so strongly – and not always favorably – to stories and struggles portrayed by people who have body size/shape/image issues – especially since I have nothing but extreme compassion for people living with other issues/problems.

I recognize how hard it is to be different. I recognize that people struggle. I recognize that being overweight is very visual – it can’t be hidden. I recognize that it just plain sucks to have to live in a body – or with a situation – that isn’t generally accepted. I recognize that the fat acceptance movement has provided a community and support and validation for people who likely very much need it. I also recognize, though, that body image issues can be overcome in a healthy and productive way. I recognize that begging industries to accept people for who they are doesn’t fix the root of the problem – people not accepting themselves for who they are. I recognize that I’m too close to the struggle to be able to rationally think about it.

Anyway. I’m tired tonight. I’m a fairly early riser, but I NEVER get up at 5AM. That’s the plan for the rest of the semester – at least a couple days a week – though. Have to fit in the workouts when I can … looks like that’s the best it’s going to get with the trainer. I’ve made a commitment to fit in a quick workout (cardio) during a break in classes a couple days a week, too, so I guess I’ll see how that goes. And pilates – I LOVE pilates – will be keeping that up at least once a week. The semester is going to be crazy, but I have to do whatever it takes to keep my priorities properly aligned – working out before most sane people are out of bed isn’t going to kill me (hopefully).

Breakfast this morning – same as always:

I completely forgot to take a picture of my lunch because I was on the phone with my mom and was distracted as I was preparing it all. I took the same salad w/turkey that I had for dinner yesterday – and some celery sticks with almond butter.

I’m still loving the new bag.

I had a small snack (and a small nap and some aspirin) when I got home from school – just prior to pilates.

STUPID mistake, of course. Just that little bit of food made my stomach hurt just 10 minutes in to the class. Consequently, no dinner when I got home. I ate about half a serving of green beans (from a can, which I’ve decided I’m not a fan of), but that’s it for tonight.

I haven’t been dealing with fitday because I’ve been cranky and unwilling to add that extra layer of frustration to my life. Maybe tomorrow.

God, I’m cranky. I was feeling cranky yesterday and I’m feeling cranky again today. My rant yesterday = proof I need to lay off the weight loss/fat acceptance/body image/whatever blogs. I have no patience for the BS surrounding all of it.

Breakfast this morning was typical – except Jon made it all for me since he was home.

My packed lunch was standard – salad w/lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, mushrooms, pumpkin seeds, 1 T oil & vinegar – and a babybel. Packed in the dark.

Dinner was comfort food … and quick/easy since I was on my own. I cooked a lb of turkey with peppers, onion, red pepper flakes and cayenne pepper – put some of that on top of lettuce with 1/2 an avocado, some fage yogurt, a few tomatoes and some shredded pepperjack cheese.

Chocolate for dessert. Intended to have just a couple squares, but ended up eating the whole bar. Yes, the whole thing – all 440 calories/30g carbs. First time I’ve ever eaten the whole thing, I think.

No exercise/activity so far, but I might come up with something. I have a session with the trainer VERY early in the morning before classes, though, so I might just go to bed. I’m worn out – physically and mentally.

The more I read, the more I think I just don’t get … fat acceptance? Body image issues? People, in general? I don’t know.

I’ve always had a fairly healthy and high level of self-esteem. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself or my body or my life. I didn’t like being overweight and I recognized a disadvantage of sorts … but the thing is – I can’t stand self-loathing. Don’t like something? CHANGE IT. Can’t change something you don’t like? DO THE WORK TO ACCEPT IT.

I know I’m sounding as flippant as that Gather post I bitched about recently, but dang. I saw the posts about Glamour running a picture of a larger woman and just thought … eh. What’s the big deal? Know why I feel that way? I don’t read that BS. I don’t sit around wanting to be something I’m just NOT and I don’t take my tips on how to live from a magazine. I think it’s ridiculous that people are running around congratulating Glamour and talking about how beautiful this woman is – as if there’s a reason she wouldn’t be beautiful.

That’s your thing? Fine. I’m happy for you. Don’t make it out to be some kind of all-woman-all-the-time issue, though, because I just have to believe there are other women like me out there who couldn’t give a shit about that stuff – women who really don’t need to see a larger woman in a magazine because that magazine and its editorial opinions/choices have no bearing on their lives – women who don’t compare themselves to anyone (especially air-brushed models) because they know it’s pointless crazy-making behavior.

I feel for women who struggle with body image issues – I truly do. I’m just not sure I fully understand – and I sometimes wonder if it’s all just a little more self-imposed than society-imposed. Why read a magazine that you believe consistently excludes you? Why participate in allowing people to degrade you? Can’t it be stopped by just stopping it – by not internalizing it? Refusing to participate?

I truly believe change starts within. Want to feel great about your plus-sized body? My opinion – don’t look to an effin’ magazine or blogs or other people to provide that for you. Give up the need for outside validation. Figure it out for yourself.

It’s hard – all of it, I know, but it’s possible. Fight for yourself.

Have a problem with ME being fat and I’m going to analyze YOU to figure out YOUR deficiency/motivation to degrade me. I think I figured out at some point that’s it’s just inherently ridiculous to let some body fat stop me from living a fabulous life. It’s FAT – that’s it. I give it no power – so it has no power over me.

(Yes, I’ve been called arrogant before – but hey? I love myself. I’m not ashamed of that. Consequently, my perception of the treatment I receive from other people is mostly always positive.)

So … the bacon.

I’m not sure why we’ve never cooked it in the oven before, but it was SO easy – no frying mess, minimal smells lasting hours. I’m thinking this knowledge could be a bad thing.

Jon also made pancakes using almond meal/flour. I don’t know that he followed an exact recipe, but here’s one he checked out prior to making them.

I’m not a huge fan of substitutions and would generally rather eat whatever it is that I want to eat in its natural state – BUT – we ran across the almond meal/flour at the grocery store yesterday and decided to give it a shot (despite the outrageous price – $11 something for this bag!) since we’ve read quite a bit about it.

They were actually pretty good. Not exactly fluffy like a flour-made pancake – a little mealy, for sure – but we will definitely be making these again. I enjoyed them quite a bit.

I ate mine with one T of pure maple syrup.

I ate a couple of small snacks throughout the day, but had no definite lunch since we were busy again.

Jon cooked another fabulous dinner. This time it was chicken, leeks, mushrooms, squash, garlic, a sweet pepper, sesame seeds, a little bit of soy sauce and sesame oil and a teeny bit of red curry paste. It took about 20 minutes – VERY easy. Quite good.

My snack tonight was fage yogurt, 1/2 a banana and some walnuts all mixed together.

Activity/Exercise – 40 minutes cardio @ the gym this afternoon. I SO did not want to go to the gym, but I am very glad I did. It felt great – still feel great.

I actually felt so great from the cardio rush that I came home and immediately started cleaning out our closet – still in my sweaty clothes. We have TONS of clothes to do something with. I pulled out a skirt with the tags still on – three sizes too large. I feel absolutely ZERO hesitation about getting rid of the bigger clothes … just sucks to essentially cut our wardrobe in half. Not a bad complaint to have, I guess.

Today has been a completely awesome day. We slept late, ate a late breakfast, got a bunch of stuff done around here (home), grocery shopped, had a fabulous dinner, watched a movie and are now catching up on dvr’d Jon Stewart’s from last week.

Breakfast happened around 9 or 10. Same as always. 2 scrambled (in butter) eggs with onions, mushrooms and parm cheese … and yogurt/fruit.

We didn’t have lunch since we were busy, but I ate a snack around 3. Babybel, walnuts and a pickle.

I did a little prep for next week when we got home from the grocery store – chopped some cucumbers and peppers, etc. Jon also made a few turkey burger patties to freeze to have on hand for busy nights. Planning ahead has been SO helpful for me (us). The best way for me to prevent eating easy, crappy options is to have easier, healthier options at home waiting to be used. I have been religious about chopping/peeling/washing everything as soon as it comes in the door – and storing it all for easy access. It has definitely paid off.

Jon cooked a fabulous quick dinner, of course. I’m pretty sure I’ve posted it before. Shrimp, peppers, mushrooms, basil, onion, coconut milk, green curry paste and a little bit of fish sauce.

Activity/Exercise = Couple hours outside – mowed the front and back yards, swept the sidewalks and pruned stuff.

It seems as if I’ve had plenty of food today, but here’s the fitday (estimated) breakdown:

1,280 calories is a little too low for me, but I’m feeling ok … so I’m going with it. I WAY more than made up for it yesterday with the chips.

(I realized as I was about to post that I forgot to add the green curry paste and the fish sauce to fitday. I’m thinking the calories/protein/fat/carbs I consumed from both were negligible … too lazy to get up and check.)

Tomorrow – it’s BACON. (Anybody else see that beggin’ strips commercial and get as excited as the dang dog at the thought of bacon? Just me?) I’m probably a little too excited, but I LOVE IT. I hate that it stinks the house up, so I usually only eat it when we’re out somewhere … but we’re going to try it in the oven to see if it’s less invasive. Can’t wait.

Well, classes started. I’m usually completely freaked the first day when I’m hit with the realization that I have A LOT to do … but … not feeling it this time. I’m QUITE sure I’ll be feeling a lot of stress as time progresses, but things always work out in the end. No sense in stressing too much too soon, I guess.

Breakfast today was yogurt and fruit a few hours before meeting with the trainer.

Lunch was 3 scrambled (in butter) eggs with red onion and mushrooms and a little parm cheese on top … with some tomatoes.

Jon and I were eager for a date night … and I know I’m not supposed to be doing “cheat meals” … but what the hell? We went to a place right down the street and sat and talked and ate and just generally enjoyed the whole experience. I took some pictures with my phone, but they’re bad, I know.

Pitcher of Dos Equis = cheap.

Chunky guacamole and cheese dip = my favorite.

Not sure what this stuff is, but it’s listed as ‘Yucca’ on the salsa bar. I’ve never taken the time to ask, but I FREAKIN’ LOVE THIS STUFF. It’s green with darker green flecks of something and it’s sort of spicy. I don’t know? I put it on everything.

We shared fajitas (for one). I think I had one larger and one smaller corn tortilla with shrimp and chicken, etc. I don’t think I ate any beans at all – and maybe one bite of rice, at most. I’m mostly in it for the chips and cheese dip/guacamole/salsa/green stuff.

We stopped at a grocery store on the way home to round out the night of over-consumption with some ice cream.

I had a session with the trainer today.

I also bought a new scale (old one completely quit working for some reason). I weighed 0.5 less today than I did 2 weeks ago. Not great, but I’m ok with that. I’m mostly surprised that I lost anything at all given the cake/sugar binge last weekend and the Chinese food during the week, etc. I try to err on the side of “healthy” most of the time, and junk just some of the time … not balancing that quite as well as usual lately, though.

I think the fact that I lost anything at all and didn’t gain means my lifestyle and eating habits are just different now. A sugar binge used to mean something way more extreme than it does now.

Anyway. Yes, we used food to entertain ourselves tonight and I’m ok with it. I waffle constantly between thinking total deprivation until I’m at my goal is best … and thinking I should just live and do what I know is right (for me) most of the time.

I survived my first day at the new job, but I’m exhausted tonight. I feel like I’m getting sick … almost feel like I might have a fever tonight … but that would be unacceptable. Impossible. Who gets sick the week a new job AND classes start? NOT. ME.

I couldn’t eat breakfast this morning d/t the new job and the stress that goes along with that, but I threw together some yogurt/fruit to eat in the car on the way – except I forgot about it in my haste to get out the door and left it sitting in the refrigerator.

So … I ate the hard boiled egg that I had packed for lunch while I drove. For lunch, I just had the salad (lettuce, tomatoes, radish, walnuts, olives and 1/2 T oil and vinegar) and the babybel – brought the apple sauce back home with me.

I was hungry when I got home, so I ate the yogurt/fruit that was waiting on me … and some nuts.

Jon made the absolute BEST dinner tonight. He’s been talking about making alfredoish sauce to eat with vegetables, but I’ve been kinda horrified by that. I tried to talk him out of it – and even tried to talk him into just having some damn whole wheat noodles (the only proper carrier of alfredo sauce, in my (former) opinion) – but he did it anyway.

HO – LY SHIT. It was lick-the-plate fantastic.

The sauce started as about 2T flour, 2T butter and about a pint of half and half. He says you make a roux, but I don’t even know what the hell that is. It got hot.

Then he added parmesan cheese and garlic and pepper.

Then the fresh basil.

At the same time, I was stirring a pot of (VERY) spicy italian sausage, red and yellow peppers and mushrooms.

Once that was done, he added the alfredo sauce.

This is the part I really balked at – eating it with steamed asparagus instead of noodles.

Turns out I was wrong. Really, SO GOOD. Seemed pretty simple, too. (All I did was stir and talk his ear off, though.)

I’m just not feeling like exercising tonight – so I’m not going to. The past couple of months have been crazy with traveling and weird schedules and all that. I’m ready to have a routine back. I feel a little lost without a routine and I see my will to make an effort slipping. I am still meeting with the trainer twice a week and I’ve been trying to make it to at least one pilates class per week, but I need more. I’m tired and grumpy and somewhat depressed and it’s because I’ve let some priorities shift and haven’t been making time for cardio. I miss it. I need it, for sure – for my sanity.

My estimated calories are a little high today because of dinner, but not outrageously so – 2,341. 178g fat, 98g carbs, 102g protein.