So, I weighed yesterday and was NOT happy with the results. How I managed to gain a couple of ounces and lose NOTHING is a mystery. I thought I did everything (mostly) the right way.

Here’s the breakdown from the 13th to the 19th:

An average of 1822 calories, but 143g of carbs and 90g of protein. I know I need to lower the carbs and up the protein, for sure, but GD … the carbs are coming primarily from fruit. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around HOW THAT CAN RESULT IN WEIGHT GAIN. The calories needed = 2931, so I had an adequate deficit. I did cardio @ the gym on Sunday, training on Monday, pilates on Tuesday, took a break Wednesday and did pilates again Thursday. Who knows? I guess it’s really not all about calories in/calories out. (I think I’m still having a hard time embracing that.)

I was pretty pissed yesterday – so much so that I threw a pretty stupid fit and let it ruin my morning. The good thing – I didn’t let it take over and control me/push me directly towards sabotage (later last night is a slightly different story since I did have some ice cream). I’m not sure why I let it affect me so much. I am usually pretty calm about this stuff (lately). I set a goal, though, to be as close to 170 as possible by the time classes start again (and I become a stressed freak) and I saw the gain/maintain and just flipped out over a “lost week.” I’ll get over it. It’s just hard to keep my desire for things to be perfect/accomplished/finished from creeping into my weight loss … I let it this time. I know better.

I’m really starting to believe the scale is a huge problem, anyway. I would stop weighing, but I’m not going to kid myself and think I can do that. I’m noticing changes. I need to stop dwelling and worrying about numbers and planning and thinking so much.

I waited until around 2 to eat today and had a salad at Panera. I got the chicken cobb salad and Jon got the fuji apple chicken salad (something like that?), so we shared both since I was too hungry to share just one.

Snack earlier tonight:

And another one (that shouldn’t have been brought into this house AT ALL, but kid plus my family are here – had a couple servings):

Dinner (turkey burger for me & homemade sweet potato fries):

I’m not having the best weekend food-wise, but I’m ok with that. I’ve thought about it and I don’t think I’m sabotaging or losing resolve because I’m angry about the weight, but I DO think I needed a slight break from thinking too much about food. The flipping out about the weight kinda opened my eyes to some obsessing.

I am completely exhausted tonight. I didn’t sleep well last night because it was storming, I was alone and my dog periodically woke me up barking at unknown creatures. I seriously don’t know how people function on less than 8 hours of sleep. I just can’t do it. I’m drained.

Breakfast was this, as usual (again with the coffee cup because I ate it very quickly on my way to work):

I packed this for lunch (and it leaked EVERYWHERE and soaked through my bag … so I had sticky watermelon juice all over me – the slice of ham was thrown on as an attempt to add a protein source when I realized I was lacking):

I came home and ate a snack before pilates (needed protein – tuna, little bit of mayo (because that’s just necessary), about 1/2 an ounce of almonds and 3 chopped celery sticks):

Jon cooked when we got home tonight, which was pretty kind since he’s been traveling for the past few days and arrived home just in time to make it to pilates with me – tired, I’m sure. He threw together chicken, red pepper, fresh basil, mushrooms and lots of onions and garlic, of course – and added marscarpone cheese – and now he says a little butter and wine, too. The cheese created a thin sauce of sorts that tasted very similar to alfredo sauce, so it’s probably a good thing we had a limited amount. It was VERY good. I’m very lucky, I know.

Bed now.

I have now officially made it through a tempting lunch out without giving in.

(I sometimes seriously wonder about the kind of jacked up thinking that led me to a place where a lunch out is something I have to overcome and be proud about – but … it is what it is.)

I have always – throughout the entire weight loss so far – eaten pretty much whatever I want at restaurants with just a few limitations. The past few weeks, though? I have almost no desire to eat a bunch of junk just because it’s easy and borderline excusable. I’ve been out a few times with Jon – which doesn’t really count since we’ve been prepared to eat within the limits we set for ourselves each time – but I’ve now been out with OTHER people and have remained steadfast.

Today I was with my family and was STARVING and honestly … it was a little hard. I came very close to eating a piece of bread when it was offered … and I came even closer to eating a piece of the pizza my mom and brother split. Just opening the menu was a challenge – the rationalizing started almost immediately. I can have fried shrimp, right? There’s not THAT much breading. Same with onion rings. It’s an onion – can’t be THAT bad! Ooohhh … I’ll have pasta. One indulgence won’t kill me. This is a special occasion – my mom’s here! All bullshit, for sure. I knew it as I was thinking it, but damn – it’s still there. I know a piece of bread or pizza won’t kill me. It definitely wouldn’t be the end of the world. It’s food, not a crisis – I know that. I’m just tired of fucking giving in and having to restart the fight. I chip away at my resolve every time I give in. So I didn’t this time.

It’s getting a lot easier – mostly because I truly see and feel the benefits of eating a diet that doesn’t include any of that stuff. Also? I very vividly remember the sleepy, stuffed, bloated feeling that accompanies the pasta and the fried food. I just don’t want to go there again. I’m sure I will at some point – occasionally, because let’s be honest, I love most all food – just not now.

I didn’t take a picture, but I had a pretty decent lunch despite the crazy thoughts: grecian salad is what this place called it – lettuce, tomato, egg, anchovies, feta, pickles, pepper, italian dressing. Not the best in the world, but ok.

Breakfast was this (in a coffee cup because it’s easier to eat in the car):

Dinner? I don’t know. I’m just not hungry for some reason. I know I need to eat more than yogurt/fruit/walnuts and a salad, but I’m just not feeling it tonight.

My mom drove through town and dropped her dogs off until Saturday, so my barking/whining tolerance is being tested. Two bark because they’re playing – one barks because he doesn’t like the playing – and they all whine for attention. I’m sure it’s going to be fine once everyone is settled and over the omgnewdogwehavetoplay business.

This picture courtesy of treats held overhead and lots of demands from me to “SIT, DAMNIT!”

So, here’s what I did today:

The official diagnosis is plantar fasciitis, which … I don’t know. I had originally ruled this out (via google, of course) because A) no stabbing pain when I wake up – it usually feels best in the AM … B) the pain doesn’t decrease once my foot “limbers up” … C) I’ve just lost 70 pounds, not gained it … and D) I’ve been exercising for over a year now, didn’t just start. I am not a doctor, obviously, and know very well that the internet isn’t the supreme bearer of knowledge, so I guess I was wrong.

The podiatrist attempted to give me a shot straight into the bottom of my foot, but I very politely demanded an alternative. There’s just no way in hell that will ever happen. Just none. The alternative = NSAID patches that I’m going to be applying … and lots of tape. Rest. Have to stretch more. Go back in a week. Hopefully I’ll be able to run with Jon soon.

Breakfast this morning (after my session with the trainer) was unintentionally yellow:

Lunch was a quick salad with lettuce, cucumbers, broccoli, tomatoes, green peppers, 1/2 an avocado, about 3 oz of chicken, and 1 T of rosemary lemon dressing:

Dinner tonight was absolutely fabulous!

Fresh italian sausage:

Sliced zucchini and squash:

Sauce from a jar:

Roasted zucchini and squash with onion, a little olive oil, some parmesan cheese and some herbs:

All of it put together (the sausage is whole under the sauce):

Jon does an excellent job putting together meals that are quick, easy and very good – and (unlike me) he likes to cook. Works out for both of us.

Update: I’m having a couple squares of chocolate again. I seriously doubt a bar of chocolate has ever lasted longer than 10 minutes in my presence – this eating just a little thing is a very strange phenomenon.

I think we might’ve lost our minds a little over the food thing. We did our grocery shopping for the upcoming week yesterday and went to FOUR different stores. Meat from one, fruit from another, veggies from another, and a few misc things at the last. It took just about all day. It was fun, for sure – just a tad ridiculous. Also? EXPENSIVE. (Which is only partially our fault for taking the lazy way and buying pre-cut pineapple & watermelon. Ok – maybe even partially more our fault for missing the farmers market.)

We missed the farmers despite both being up by 6AM because we spent the morning doing things I can’t quite even remember. I know I cleaned the house and paid bills and did laundry and I know Jon went running and cooked, but otherwise … yesterday morning is a blur now.

(I really, really want to be able to run with him. Damn foot. Soon.)

Breakfast was scrambled eggs with onions, green peppers and cheese – a little too much like a frittata, but I was able to eat it:

We ate lunch at Earth Fare – a salad w/sprouts, olives, tomatoes, broccoli, 2 squares of potato salad, about an ounce of chicken, very little vinegar & oil, a few walnuts, and carrots:

Dinner was a grilled pork chop and steamed asparagus (for scale, the red plates are small salad type plates):

My snack last night was a couple slices of pineapple, which I LOVE:

My dad & wife stopped by last night on their way through my town as they were heading home from a recent trip and happened to mention that they celebrated their 9 year anniversary a few days ago. After they left, I remembered I still have the dress I wore to their wedding. I’ve hung on to it all this time because I wanted to be able to wear it again (though not publicly … who knows what I was thinking when I bought it). I’ve used it as sort of a goal item, maybe? So … I put it on … and it’s way too big. Last time I tried it on I couldn’t get it past my stomach. Now? Very baggy. I’m not sure why I’m so shocked by things like this, but I am – every time. I don’t feel differently. I look at myself and see lots of weight I still need to lose, not a body that is smaller and smaller each week. I definitely don’t see or recognize a body that should be able to fit into that dress. I wonder when/if that will change?

For some reason, I’ve had it in my head throughout the past 9 years that this dress is some tiny thing that I’d love to be able to fit into again, but I doubted it would ever happen. I checked the label last night – 18. Seriously. A size 18 has been my goal.

The dress being too big isn’t really as big a deal to me as I thought it would (should?) be. Clothes and sizes and vanity used to play a slightly larger role – now, though, I just don’t care. Yes, I like how easy shopping has become, but … whatever. My body changing has everything to do with how fit I am and very little to do with sizes. I am a little surprised to find that the dress actually represents hopelessness to me now – years of feeling like I’d be overweight forever – out of control – unhealthy. I just can’t believe I gave in to the hopelessness and expected to indefinitely live an unhealthy life … and I still have no idea how I found my way out.

(Yes, I look hideous. It was late, I was tired and I typically don’t give a shit too much – so my hair is a mess. Of important note is the fact that I’m holding the dress out away from my chest. This = pretty significant loss of boobs as I once filled the top part of that dress out VERY well. Oh, well.)

A marginally better progress picture Jon took yesterday:

I MADE IT!

Looks like I’ve officially crossed the line. I haven’t been below 200 in at least 8 years.

You’d think a loss of over 70 pounds would mean that I have some sanity about food/my issues, but it doesn’t. I had one of the worst days I’ve had in a while (at work – client related) and drove home in tears just absolutely determined that I’d had it with this primal shit and I’mgoingtoeaticecreamandabrownieandmaybenachosandacokeIdon’tcareI’VEHADABAD/SCARYDAY. I immediately recognized that I felt bad, sad, stressed and worried – and I recognized that I wanted to “reward” myself with food. Crazy part? I really didn’t care.

I didn’t do it. I’ve learned healthier coping mechanisms, but DAMN. It’s hard. And honestly? I likely would’ve done it if Jon hadn’t encouraged me not to.

All of my whining last night about not eating enough calories and not having decent snacks paid off pretty well.

Jon looked up decent primal snacks and ended up picking up a fun selection. I had some of all of it except the sardine’s – that’s ALL him. I had about an ounce of sheep’s milk cheese, 3 olives, some tamari almonds, a few brazil nuts, blueberries and half of the chocolate bar. I ended the day at about 2,100 calories and (most importantly) didn’t go to bed hungry. Eating that large “snack” actually made me feel kind of sick, though – overstuffed.

I’m feeling pretty shitty today. I was fine until about 3. After that? I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. Not good. I came home from work and seriously debated not going to pilates. We went, but it wasn’t fun. I felt sick through most of it and just wanted it to end. Quite unusual.

Breakfast was this (minus the banana – ended up eating it on my way home from work today vs. this AM):

Lunch was this:

Dinner was this, which took maybe 10 minutes (greens, tomatoes, 1/2 avocado, cheese, ground turkey, large spoonful fage yogurt, little bit of salsa, jalapenos):

Not quite the nachos/comfort food I wanted, but it was close enough … and SO good.

I woke up this morning and felt the true consequences of my exercise actions this week. I almost couldn’t force my body to do the sitting motion (which I can only blame on squats?) so I envisioned a day of hell and zero bathroom breaks. I survived, but I swear my back hurts, my neck hurts, my butt hurts, my legs hurt, my abs hurt so much I am reluctant to even stretch. The crazy part – my foot – the one that has been hurting for weeks and prevents me from running? It’s FINE. I guess the pilates + foam roller combo yesterday stretched it in some way that healed it (temporarily, I’m sure, since this has happened before w/pilates)? Very strange.

I was rushing this morning, so I ate this in the car:

Then I rushed through lunch and ate this at work:

Then I came home and sat around and waited for Jon to cook this for dinner:

It started out like this (plus chicken and some curry powder and red pepper flakes to mix it up a little):

I’m finding that I’m eating the same stuff over and over again, and I’m fine with that. I like simple food and always have. That said – I don’t think I’m eating enough. I made it to 1,399 calories yesterday and am barely making that today. I don’t know what to fill the blanks in with? I used to fill them in with crackers and popcorn and pita chips. Broccoli just doesn’t have the same caloric bang. I guess I could eat larger meals … and work on getting over the fact that I just spent the past year learning “appropriate” portion sizes.

No exercise today. Taking a break.