The past week has been a flaming disappointment. Roller coaster emotions, snot, sore throat, no energy, Jon gone, restaurants, stress. I need a new week.

I am in no way surprised that I’ve gained a pound and a half over the past two weeks. I’ve been eating in restaurants quite a bit and have been eating so much that I wind up with a stomachache. Jon and I share entrees, but we also typically order an appetizer to share … and maybe soup. I swear I just have ZERO control when I walk in the door of any decent restaurant. Jon was unexpectedly able to come home Thursday, so we had Mexican. Last night, Thai.

It really has to stop. Unfortunately, eating is a large source of entertainment for us. I love food, he loves food (and beer) and we love to try new places and things. I can barely navigate outside of my immediate area and rarely leave it, but I’m pretty sure we have a whole hierarchy of restaurants going for each area of town.

I’ve had almost no energy to exercise this week and have woken up wanting to die each morning. I’ve been sleeping horribly because I can’t breathe and I’ve been spending my days sucking down green tea and vitamins, but it’s not helping. I met with the trainer on Wednesday and had a light (meaning jumping jacks were modified, etc.) but relatively normal work out. I thought I was miraculously healed, but I started feeling run down again around mid-day Thursday. I didn’t go to pilates on Thursday because Jon came home and I chose carnitas instead (and because I just felt crappy). I met with the trainer again yesterday, which may or may not have been a good idea. I barely felt like getting out of bed when my alarm went off at 6am, and I barely had the energy to get dressed, but I knew I needed to do SOMETHING. We ended up just walking around the track for an hour because I felt too horrible to do anything else. I really can’t believe how much a sinus infection is wiping me out.

I’m feeling better today – emotionally and energy-level wise. I still can’t breathe and I still feel like my head might explode, but I’m not lying around moaning in agony. I doubt I will work out this weekend, but I can already feel myself having withdrawals and wanting a hard work out – must be getting better.

So … things haven’t been going well. I had a great week last week. I felt like I was in control and was exercising enough and was enjoying it all. This week? Eh.

The weekend was good and bad. Good because I got to see my family and spend time with everyone. Bad because we were there to attend a going away party for my youngest brother – the little baby/boy/man who has had such a profound impact on my life that I’ve been a crying mess for weeks just thinking about him leaving. I realize that I chose the same new life/new state route he has chosen and I realize that I’ve been going months without seeing him for several years now … when I’m thinking rationally. The thing is – HE was supposed to stay in Memphis, not leave. Everyone is supposed to remain as I left them, you see.

Change causes crazy things to happen to me. A change as large as a brother starting a new life in a new place is enough to send me into a fairly depressed mood that’s hard to pull out of.

As Jon mentioned, we ate at restaurants throughout the entire weekend. I tried to make decent choices, but it snowballed out of control and I ended up eating with zero regard for moderation. I succeeded at just one meal – ordered Raisin Bran and fruit instead of a huge breakfast. I don’t think I ate quite as much as I could have, in general, but everything was brown and/or fried and/or covered with cheese. I very seriously could not wait to get back home and eat normally.

I haven’t had much motivation since we got home, which hasn’t been helped by the cold/sinus issues I came home with. I sat around on Monday and chose not to go to the gym, even though I planned to. I ate well and within limits, but lost it towards the end of the night and ended up eating the remaining pieces of chocolate I had left from the holidays, then made some nachos, THEN ate an entire bag of popcorn. I noticed at some point that I just wanted to eat … anything. I know I use food to make myself feel better, but I’ve never actually stopped to think about what that means as I’m actually doing it. It’s really just not acceptable. I know better and I should be strong enough to stop it. And I was. And maybe I will be in the future.

I made it to pilates yesterday, but I was a mess from being tired (all day classes), having a pounding headache, a sore throat and a stomachache from days of junk. I’m honestly quite surprised I had the willpower to go, but I did. I wanted it. I very strongly recognize that exercise is essential for my mental and physical well-being and I was missing it. I’m sure not exercising all weekend led to some of the bad food choices and general crappy feeling/lack of motivation. I have GOT to start running so I can run with Jon when we travel.

I woke up this morning without a sore throat and with just a slight headache … and with a lot more motivation. I met with the trainer and ran some errands and actually showered before noon, so it’s turning out to be a pretty good day. I hate that one bad/good weekend can throw me off track so much, but it happens sometimes. I’m learning to roll with it. Maybe I’ll stop crying soon.

I woke up at 6 this morning, forced myself out of bed, drank coffee, took a shower and started feeling awake and energized right about the time I received an email that my 8am class would not be happening because of inclement weather. I’m thinking the fact that I was slightly disappointed could be a sign that I’m losing my mind. I just hate to get behind and have the syllabus screwed up. I like things to happen as they’re outlined to happen. I’m pretty resistant to structure change.

Another neurosis revealed. Keeping score?

I felt reluctant to pack everything up and go to the gym since I didn’t want to have to take another shower (in other words, too lazy), so I got out the Wii Fit. I hesitate to call what I did a workout, but it was movement nonetheless.

I have one major complaint about the Fit: There is WAY too much downtime. All the clicking A and listening to the “trainer” say something and clicking to something else, etc. is a slight waste of time. I will admit that I’m in a spectacularly cranky mood, but it started to irritate me this morning. I guess what I really wanted was a good workout and I just wasn’t getting it.

The Fit is fun and syncs right up with my competitive nature, but I can’t quite consider it an exercise tool. I’m thinking I need to just remember that, enjoy it for what it is and remember that taking the lazy way out never makes me happy.

I think I’ve finally found something remotely healthy that curbs the ice cream cravings.

(1/2 c vanilla yogurt, 1/2 c kashi cereal, 1/2 banana, strawberries & blueberries. I ended up dumping it into a bowl because I’m not so swift with the food preparation and overstuffed the cup. Also, too lazy to take actual picture, but pretty good at hiding, huh?)

We went to dinner at a friend’s house on Saturday night and had this for dessert and I LOVED it. It had never occurred to me that I could use something other than plain yogurt (which Jon loves and I hate). I had it last night and again this morning. I was so excited you would’ve thought I’d given myself permission to eat actual ice cream for breakfast.

My trainer, Roxy, asked for a mid-loss testimonial, so I wrote one:

Finding Roxy’s ad has been one of the best things to happen to me.

I’ve been overweight or struggling with my weight for a long time. I hit rock bottom, though, at the beginning of 2008 when I stepped on a scale and found I weighed 272 pounds. I was overweight, tired, depressed and had very little motivation to do anything to change my life, but I knew I had to do something.

I started losing weight on my own in January of 2008 and lost about 30 pounds before calling Roxy. Even though I had lost some weight, to say that I was out of shape when I met with her for the first time would be too generous. Something as simple as walking up a flight of stairs was hard and I was too embarrassed to try anything but the treadmill at the gym.

So far, I’ve lost about 35 pounds since I began training with Roxy in April of 2008 and ended the year with a loss of approximately one pound per week. Most importantly, though, my entire life has changed. I have learned an incredible amount about fitness and health and have seen my energy level dramatically increase. I once would have laughed if someone had told me that I’d ever work out every day, love pilates or be able to go on an 11 mile hike. Now, I find it unbelievable that I ever lived such a sedentary life.

While further weight loss is still a goal, I’ve found that the number on the scale doesn’t have near the impact it once had. My fitness level now drives me, and I directly attribute that to the work I’ve done with Roxy. I absolutely love exercising now that I feel comfortable and know how to do it properly. Fortunately, the enthusiasm I gained created a trickle-down effect. My husband started running and eating healthier meals and has lost over 50 pounds on his own, too.

Roxy provided the supportive, educational, fun environment that I needed to get my life on track, I just had to do the work.

Honestly, I could’ve added stuff about how I’ve dropped 4 sizes, lots of inches, have a body that I almost don’t recognize, see muscles for the first time in my life, etc., but I’m thinking I should save something for the testimonial I write when I’ve reached my weight loss goal.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that finding Roxy is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She’s a great trainer and motivator. Call her.

Or just come to pilates where you can watch me suffer live and in person.