I’m changing things. Jon is going to start posting, too! We both have more fitness goals to accomplish and are planning to hit it hard after the traveling/holiday craziness is over, so we thought the blog would be a helpful outlet for both of us.

I’m hoping he will write a how-to regarding beer and weight loss. I swear I don’t understand how his beer calories don’t affect him, yet my brownie calories cause lasting damage.

Speaking of brownies … I need to give them up. And the ice cream. And the cupcakes. I think about this stuff each and every day. It’s gone beyond the occasional treat and has morphed into something much more dangerous. I plot and plan ways to get ice cream and would eat it every single day if it would miraculously appear in my freezer. The ONLY thing that stops me is my resolve to not buy large quantities.

I know that I have a tendency to develop addictive habits and, as crazy as it sounds, I think I’m developing some unhealthy tendencies with sugar. I just think about it all too much. The only way I know how to handle it is to give it up completely. So … I’m cutting it off. I’m way too undisciplined to give up sugar completely, so I’m talking about the treat form: brownies, ice cream, cupcakes, cookies, fudge, PB cups, etc.

I think the only one I’ll actually cry over is ice cream. Oh, how I love the ice cream.

I smoked for 8 years and finally gave it up by just cutting it off one day. I did the same with coke (the drinkable version). I now can hardly tolerate cigarette smoke and gag when I drink coke (too sweet, if you can believe that), so maybe one day it won’t be so laughable to think about being turned off by ice cream.

I use the smoking and the coke as proof to myself that I can do this. I haven’t smoked for almost 3 years now, which I vividly remember thinking would be entirely impossible. And coke? I used to tell Jon that I couldn’t eat pizza, hamburgers, whatever without a coke. It was a need, not a want.

I can do this.

Update (later): Upon further reflection, I’m thinking it might be unreasonable to cut off all sugary things. I’m thinking I will cut it off for a week (which is pretty substantial given the frequency I eat the stuff) and then will limit to one serving once a week. I purposely picked up a box of WW ice cream bars (which are nothing close to what I’d consider to be sugary “treats” – no justification) and yogurt (with fruit vs. plain). Hopefully that will keep me from trolling the ice cream aisle in desperation at 10pm some random night.

It seems absolutely ridiculous that I have to put this much thought into all of this, but I just have to.

Cardio (20 min treadmill, 20 min elliptical, 20 min bike)
7am: 1 c All Bran yogurt bites (3), 1/2 c milk (1), banana (2), coffee (0)
2pm: LC sesame chicken (7), orange (1), hot green tea (0)
4pm: 6 Triscuits (2), 5 prunes (1)
7pm: Pork chop (7), steamed asparagus (0), 1/2 sweet potato (1.5), 1/2 T brummel & brown (.5), 2 oz wine (1)
8pm: WW ice cream bar (1)
Total: 28

I’m in a weird mood today. I’m feeling some mixture of irritation, happiness, sadness and stress all at the same time.

One thing I’ve learned about exercise is that it’s essential for me. It keeps me (mostly) sane. Without it, days like today happen. I haven’t exercised since I met with the trainer on Friday, but it feels like so much longer than that. I’m addicted and jonesin’.

We took the bus and subway to various places around Toronto once we arrived on Saturday and I’d say we walked at least a few miles overall. It was faster paced than usual given the freezing temp, but not quite exercise. I’m sure the volume of food I ate counteracted all of the walking anyway.

Not much walking yesterday (Sunday) since we decided at the last minute to rent a car for the day instead of public transport + walking. I proposed this idea, so I’m glad it turned out to be a very good one (albeit a potentially lazy one). We were able to see a lot of the city even though it was cold, raining and windy and J got to have a day free of my bitching about the cold, rain and wind. Win-win situation all around.

Despite the lack of decent exercise and total abandonment of points counting throughout the past few days, weight loss is still very much on my mind. I’m not beating myself up about what I’ve eaten because I just simply love food and I’m not beating myself up about the lack of exercise because I just simply haven’t had time. I’m trying to do the best I can during this month with what I have (emotionally, physically, etc.) to work with. I’m going to keep recording what I eat because it keeps me aware, but I’m not going to beat myself up over any of it.

Our plan to share meals started with us sharing one meal, but has apparently evolved and now seems to mean we each get something and split our individual meals/food with each other. Not really what I intended, so I’m going to work on that.

Saturday:
7am: (On plane): Coffee, peanuts
8:30am: (McD’s @ airport): Egg McMuffin
1pm: (Healthy Greek): Chicken gyro, salad, pear/pom juice
Late afternoon: (S’bucks in unknown mall trying to warm up) Hot chocolate, 1/2 cranberry bliss bar (not worth the calories)
Later afternoon: (St. Lawrence Market): 1/2 Mushroom and potato knish, 1/2 peameal bacon sandwich, tiny piece of turkish delight (all totally worth the calories)
9pm: (PH) Pizza, water (eaten while sitting in bed watching Anne of Green Gables – felt like a slumber party! except I never had boys at my slumber parties.)

Sunday:
7am: (Hotel) Various fresh fruit, meat and cheese, muesli, OJ and coffee
1pm: (Mill Street Brew Pub) 1/2 Nachos, 1/2 Chicken and leek pot pie w/mashed potatoes and green peas, hot tea, water
2pm: (The Sweet Escape Patisserie) 1/2 Nanaimo bar, 1/2 s’mores bar, coffee
8pm: (Hotel) 1/2 philly cheesesteak w/fries, few bites of a greek salad, apple juice

Today:
7am: (Hotel) Various fresh fruit, meat and cheese, muesli, coffee
9am: (Hotel) Hardboiled egg, tea
I stupidly didn’t eat the rest of the day because I was sucked into reading.
7pm: (Hotel) 1/2 Reuben, 1/2 fries, 1/2 salad, 1/2 french onion soup, snickers, apple juice

We got home yesterday afternoon and leave again early tomorrow morning, so we have almost no food in the house today and no need to buy any. A year ago that would’ve absolutely meant a trip to a fast food place. I am 100% certain of that. Today, though, that idea lasted about half a second.

It’s amazing what you can find when there is “no food in the house.” I don’t know if proud is the right word, but I definitely had a moment as I was scrounging for something decent to eat. I may not always make the best choices, but I am making better choices and I’m consistently falling back on those better choices instead of falling back on the bad ones. I ended up with a slightly wilted salad with just broccoli, cauliflower and a few pecans, a surprisingly fresh tangerine and a few crackers with peanut butter. Better than a Big Mac.

I worked out with the trainer this morning and it just about killed me.  We did nothing but lunges, squats, lunges and more squats. Some back extensions and crunches on the bosu were thrown in … and the high knees and butt kicks, of course, to get my HR up.  I had briefly thought about not training at all for the rest of the month because I thought it would be hard to cram the sessions in, but I am SO glad I had the foresight to just do it.  I needed it today.  I am seeing her on the only day I’m home next week, too.

In an effort to stay accountable:
No exercise at all yesterday. Mostly traveling, unpacking, laundry, etc. And my last final exam.
5am: (Hotel) Small box of cheerios, skim milk, 1/2 banana, coffee
9am: (Sbucks) Blueberry muffin, coffee
1pm: (RT) Salad (lots of stuff- peas, beans,etc.), broccoli & cheese soup, water
6pm: (Home) Popcorn, water
8:30pm: (Mexican place) 1/2 of Jon’s carnitas (2 tortillas, pork, lettuce, guacamole) w/rice, water
I REALLY wanted ice cream last night. In a grumpy, pouting, I’ve-got-to-have-it way. Laziness (and J’s lack of desire to drive to the grocery store) won, though, and I didn’t get any. I was tired, stressed and in a bad mood about some grade issues, but I doubt anybody ever needs ice cream the way I was convinced I needed it last night.

Today:
Hour w/trainer
7am: Oatmeal squares cereal, fat free milk, coffee
1pm: Salad, tangerine, crackers w/peanut butter, water
6pm: (FH) 1/2 Chicken Shawarma (chicken, pita, hummus, lettuce, tomato, yellow rice), falafel, water
Now: Coffee

I’m going to be traveling with J quite a bit this month (which I realize I am very fortunate to be able to do).  I made plans to exercise daily in hotel gyms, to share meals, to choose moderation over indulgence, etc.  So far, the only plan I’ve followed through on is sharing meals.  Those meals, however, have been carb-laden, sugar-filled indulgences.  One after another.  Yesterday I had a milkshake after lunch and then ate (half of) a huge piece of cheesecake while sitting in bed last night.  Not good.

Moderation, moderation, moderation.  Going to have to chant today.

I seriously don’t know how J lost weight while traveling so much.  He apparently developed some skills that I’ve yet to figure out.  I’m ok while in my comfort zone, but take me out of it and apparently I lose control.  You’d think I’d want to work out and eat my normal stuff since I feel like crap each day, but I swear I’m having to work up motivation to walk down a flight of stairs to make it to the gym.  I have never had a gym so accessible, yet I’m hesitant to go.  I don’t know what my effin’ problem is.

I didn’t bring my food journal (which has turned out to be a BIG mistake), so I’ve decided that I’m going to commit to posting each day with some info about my food choices and exercise.  I’ve got to do something to stay accountable.

J is thinking about posting some, too, so I may turn this into a collab of sorts.  I’m thinking about making a challenge for the two of us:  who can make it through this month with the least amount of damage?   (Between now and Jan 1 we’re going to ATL for a family visit, Toronto for a work thing and NYC for a vacation.  I’m scared.)

Edit:
Breakfast: Yogurt, Banana, Coffee
Lunch: Wendy’s – Chicken Nuggets Kids Meal w/Mandarin Oranges, Water, Coffee
Dinner: F&H – Club Sandwich w/Fries, 1/2 Spinach Salad, Water
Right Now – More Coffee
Way too much junk, but better than yesterday.

Exercise: Hour of cardio (40 minutes on treadmill, 20 minutes on bike). I was going to do 20 minutes each on the treadmill, bike & elliptical, but the 2 elliptical’s turned out to be rusted pieces of shit. I feel fantastic now, of course.

We brought the dog this time and I just spent 20 minutes trying to get a photo booth picture. I’m living a wild & crazy life over here:

So, anyone want to take bets on how long it would take me to injure myself or someone else with these things?  I thought about it for a few seconds, but I have clear visions of catastrophes.  Best not to try.  I might try to convince J to give it a try, though.  Looks interesting.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the healthy eating pros and cons and about my experience with it, in general.  I think my knee-jerk reaction is to assume that healthier food is more expensive and/or unaffordable for some, but I’m starting to realize that it’s unfair for me to generalize in that way.  Some healthier foods are more expensive, for sure, but price is not the root of the healthy vs. junk eating problem.  It’s definitely a factor, but I think culture (here in the South, anyway) plays almost as large a role.

Growing up, I ate many meals with my grandparents, all of which were cooked by my grandmother.  She cooked (and still cooks) turnip and collard greens, spinach, corn, squash, cabbage, potatoes (white and sweet), tomatoes, blackeyed peas, fish, chicken, etc.  Nothing from a box.  Nothing overly processed.  She has mulitple vegetables at every meal and serves balanced meals, in general.  Some of her meals consist of nothing but vegetables.

Lurking, though, is butter.  Lots of butter.  And bacon grease.  And lard.  Everything from tomatoes to chicken is fried.

The difference in my life then and my life now:  squash is now steamed instead of breaded and fried; chicken is baked or grilled and is plain instead of breaded and fried; cookies, cake and pastries of all sorts aren’t readily available; potatoes aren’t fried or mashed with cream and butter; I don’t keep a jar of bacon grease; I don’t scramble my eggs in bacon grease.  The list is exhaustive.  The fact is, I don’t fry anything.  I don’t add fat and calories to anything.  Don’t get me wrong – I freakin’ love pancakes cooked in bacon grease.  I love fried squash.  I think we’ve already established that chocolate cake will never be my enemy.  I just can’t eat the way I grew up eating, though, and expect to be healthy … and it has nothing to do with price.  I didn’t adopt unhealthy eating habits based on cheap, processed, unhealthy food.  I grew up eating “healthy food” that was … enhanced.  In this case, culture is the culprit and I don’t think It would be too much of a stretch for me to say that it’s a major factor in the Southern states being ranked so poorly on the list.

Don’t even get me started on the smoking.

(I am so seriously craving some of that food now and I’m not even ashamed of it.  Some days I would kill for biscuits and gravy with sausage and bacon and scrambled eggs on the side … all cooked in/with the bacon grease, of course.  Makes me feel horrible to eat it, but dang.  So good.  I should’ve never gone down this path.  Moderation is not a friend of the Southern cook.)

I saw a health segment on the Today show earlier this morning that discussed obesity and listed the healthiest/unhealthiest states.  I’m not at all surprised to find Tennessee in the 5 unhealthiest (at 47 or 48, I think).  I did a little googling and found an article that had the following to say:

More than half a million tourists flock to Memphis each year to glimpse Elvis’s famed Graceland estate. But a high rate of violent crime (more than 700 offenses per 100,000 residents) and infant mortality may put Tennessee in a category of states where only fools would rush to settle in.

Ouch.

Poverty, race, culture, etc. obviously play a role, which makes it seem overwhelming to even try to imagine a solution.  What do you do to combat the fact that coke and beer is cheaper than milk?

I stopped at the grocery store on Monday to pick up a few things for the week.  I can’t fully remember everything I bought, but it was all basic stuff that I buy every week:  bananas, salad stuff, eggs, asparagus, tangerines, cottage cheese, milk, All Bran cereal, tilapia, string cheese.  I was standing there (horrified at the rising total) and the cashier said, “I see you’re a healthy shopper.”  He wasn’t overly snarky, but he also wasn’t just taking note, either.  How do you respond to that?  I mumbled something about trying to be healthy, but I also secretly felt embarrassed.  Yeah, I’m overweight and I FELT EMBARRASSED about trying to make healthy food choices!  I almost felt that my choice to buy this healthyish stuff seemed like condemnation of his choices (which I know nothing about, but cashier is overweight, too).

I know I’m crazy, but I never thought I’d feel actual guilt about trying to be healthy.

I very much understand the lifestyle and thinking that leads to obesity.  Stepping away from it has been hard and has almost forced me to adopt an I’m-better-than-that attitude that I constantly struggle with (hence the guilt).  I don’t know if this stems from my experience growing up in the South (in an apparently very unhealthy state) or if it stems from some other craziness.  All I know is I want to be healthy and I don’t want that to mean that I’m smarter or better or different than anyone else.  I don’t want to feel guilty about making choices that others around me aren’t making.

In other news, my proclamation about refusing to gain weight has come back to bite me.  I’ve gained a lovely 3.2 pounds since last week.  I’ve been counting points and have been exercising since I returned (hour of cardio Monday, trainer yesterday morning, pilates last night), though, so I hope to rapidly lose it.  J is already down 5 pounds since we returned, which further confirms the injustice of male vs. female weight gain and loss.  He essentially gained nothing but some bloating that immediately went away.  So unfair.

Well, Thanksgiving is over.  We had a great time visiting my family, but I had one hell of a food binge.  I was sick by Friday night and had to take meds to make it through Saturday night without throwing up.  We had the traditional Thanksgiving stuff (x2), but there was also pizza, chinese, nachos and too much pie.  I’m pretty sure I had nothing but buttermilk pie for breakfast one morning.

Honestly, I don’t regret it.  I spent four days indulging and wound up feeling miserable.  The holiday reminded me again why I’m doing what I’m doing.  It’s not just about weight loss.  It’s about simple quality of life.  Life sucks at 3am when death is preferable to heartburn.

Two things surprised me during the weekend:  (a) I started the I’ll-start-over cycle (b) I felt actual fear that I’d wake up 60 pounds heavier

I really can’t believe that I found myself falling into the I’ll-start-over trap.  I justified all the bad eating by telling myself that Monday (today) would be the day it would end.  I try really hard not to succumb to that kind of thinking, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised it happened.  It’s extremely easy to convince oneself that everything will be ok when starting over is on the table.  Problem is, I’m not starting over.  This is just life.  Sometimes I eat crap, sometimes I eat healthy stuff.  Sometimes I exercise, sometimes I play with puppies.  I don’t know why I told myself that this kind of thinking is ok.

Who knows where the weight gain fear came from, either?  I realistically know that I probably gained a few pounds, but I felt legitimate fear that my clothes would suddenly not fit and that I’d come home and be back where I started earlier in the year.  I am apparently more disconnected from my weight loss than I previously thought.  Or is it a control thing?  I think I felt out of control, which caused me to feel real fear that I’d wind up 60 pounds heavier … suddenly or not.

I made it to the gym today and I’ve also eaten appropriately all day.  I’m happy.  I feel good.  This is the life I want.