I’m thinking I’ll never be able to lift my arms again.  I can absolutely NOT believe how sore my shoulder muscles are today.  We lifted on Monday and did some upper body strength training again yesterday morning, but I wasn’t overly sore.

Last night was pilates, though, where we had a bootcamp session that generally had little to do with pilates.  We did regular push-ups, these things (except we kept moving around the track instead of standing up), plank walk (moving around the track instead of stationary), squat jumps (again around the track instead of in one place – so we looked like frogs jumping around), crunches of all sorts, jumping jacks, etc.

The arm stuff just about killed me.  I was ok last night until we got to jumping jacks.  I knew then that I’d be in pain this morning (lifting my arms) … and I am.  I am such a wimp.  I need to spend some time stretching so that I might be able to wash my hair.

We have a long, long drive (6 hours) to make tomorrow before attending a Thanksgiving lunch.  Then we have a dinner to attend.  Do I have hope that I will eat reasonably and rationally?  Not really.

I’ve decided not to stress about it.  I worked out 2 hours Monday, 2 hours yesterday and plan to get in at least an hour today.  I won’t exercise tomorrow, but I’m planning to do my best throughout the weekend.  I refuse to gain weight, but I’d be happy with maintaining. Exercise is the only way I’m going to be able to do it … so it’s a good thing I enjoy it.

The whole eat-eat-eat-freak-out-in-January cycle is something I’ve never really thought about before, but I’m finding it to be more and more crazy as I think about it.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I’m hoping to hop off that train this year.  The flurry of chatter about how to handle the holidays is maddening to me.  Thanksgiving is ONE day.  Christmas is ONE day.

I don’t want food to be my enemy anymore.

Well, I bit the bullet and loaded my ipod with music just after posting that last entry.  Apparently it works.  My HR shot up to 174 and I didn’t even realize it until my chest started hurting.  I was tired since we went to the gym kind of late and since I had already worked out with the trainer earlier in the day, but I was pretty shocked that I didn’t have to talk myself through the whole thing.  Maybe it was the novelty of having something new to listen to, or maybe it was what I was listening to?  I don’t know.  Looks like I’m going to have to find some other time to listen to my regular podcasts, though.

Up today:  I’m heading out to work out with the trainer in a few minutes.  Classes all day.  Pilates tonight.

Today is one of those days just perfect for naps, reading, hot chocolate and … more naps.  It’s raining and cold and pretty miserable.  I, of course, had to get up before the crack of dawn to do things like walk a mile in the rain to make it to class, walk another mile in the other direction to make it to an evaluation … and then walk another mile in yet a different direction to make it to the gym.  I hate rain.  Didn’t have an umbrella.  I have no idea why everyone starts showing up for class right before holidays/breaks.  Parking is a pain in the ass on a normal day … add those people and it’s a nightmare.  I typically don’t care and usually enjoy all of the walking, but I do NOT enjoy rain + cold.  Especially when I haven’t dressed appropriately for it.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and had to chant “stay focused, stay focused, stay focused” throughtout the store.  I was starving and I know I shouldn’t have gone while so hungry, but I swear it was hard.  Everywhere I looked I saw food that I would’ve just loved to stop and eat right then and there.  My attitude changes quite radically when I’m not hungry, but unleash me in a grocery store when I’m starving?  I’d eat just about anything.

Last week was good.  I exercised at least once every day, wrote all of my food down, enjoyed the weekend, etc.  It wasn’t a perfect week:  I skipped pilates on Thursday night to attend a birthday dinner where I ate approx 2000 calories and then I ate a cupcake AND birthday cake on Saturday at different birthday events … and I counted 10 occasions of restaurant food throughout the week … oh, and I ate a couple of cookies at a class thing.  Yeah.  Not perfect.  I feel no guilt, though.  I’m making good choices overall and see that I lean towards eating healthy portions more often than not, so it balances out.  I will never be able to look at a cupcake and feel disgust, so I might as well just accept that cupcakes (and cookies and cake and ice cream) will be part of my life (appropriately controlled, of course).  I’m thinking that’s not going to be so hard to do.

I just downloaded a C25K music podcast of some sort.  I’ve been jogging for a while now, but I still intersperse walking here and there.  My goal is to incorporate the C25K running schedule into my cardio plan each week so that I can start working on running longer distances.  I actually started jogging using this, so I think it’s time to revisit it.  I get so freakin’ bored if I don’t  have someone to talk to and I hate having to watch a clock, so I’m hoping the podcast helps.  If not, I’m going to have to suck it up and actually buy some music.  My cheap heart just breaks when I think about spending .99 a piece on songs.

I complain and gripe about working out and about counting points.  I whine about being on a plateau and about the scale.  I bitch a LOT about stress.  One thing I don’t think I’ve done, though, is talk much about Jon and about how he very quietly passed me up a long time ago.

We’ve tried losing weight off and on since about 2004, but have never been successful.  We created goals and started charts and even took before pictures.  For whatever reason … pressure, laziness, stress … we always failed.

Something worked this time around.  Sometimes I believe the laid-back approach helped make it work.  Sometimes I believe we had just become fed up and were tired of not finishing what we’d started.  Whatever it was, it was a great thing.

Jon has lost about 60 pounds since we started in January.  He runs multiple times a week, goes to the gym, goes to pilates with me and has recently started some sort of martial arts training.  He spends at least 50% of his time in airports and hotels, so this is an accomplishment that took a lot of effort.  Unsurprisingly, he did it without the whining, bitching and freak-out moments that I tend to have and has been almost happy to do the work required to attain this weight loss.

I am so proud of him.  I continue to be amazed each and every day.

July 2004

July 2005

August 2006

September 2007

November 2007  (Just before beginning to lose weight.)

September 2008

I am so ready for this semester to be OVER. It seems that I can focus on just a couple of things at one time. School and exercise dominated the past few months, so I’m ready to start focusing again on food. I’m eating healthy meals (for the most part) and am making fairly good choices. I’m just eating too much for weight loss. As I’ve said many (MANY) times before … I’m not ready to maintain. I don’t believe that the exercise/training has created muscle mass that is outweighing fat loss. I believe I just haven’t been losing fat. I’ve been counting points/calories again for the past couple of weeks and I’m dropping weight fairly quickly again. Hopefully I will be able to stay focused throughout winter break and will continue losing. I can handle stalls/plateaus here and there when life is stressful as long as I continue lose overall.

I worked out with the trainer on Thursday, but completely forgot about my appointment on Friday. I was shocked and mortified when she called to find out why I was late! I have been meeting with her 3 times a week since April and have NEVER forgotten about an appointment. I have no idea what happened that morning. I was stressed and needed to get some things done and decided not to work out with a friend (who I texted and told), but I just completely spaced on the fact that I had planned to work out with that friend BEFORE working out with the trainer. I almost never forget things like this, so it really disturbed me.

So anyway. No work out on Friday and I’m taking today off, too, because I’m feeling lazy. It’s a cold and sort of overcast day and I’m kind of enjoying sitting around doing nothing. I did an hour of cardio at the gym yesterday, though, so the weekend is not a complete waste.

It was hard to stay motivated yesterday despite really wanting my cardio fix. I have days when I love to work out with friends and I have days when I love to work out alone. Yesterday was definitely a friend day, but I was alone (J was technically there, but went to lift). I listened to a few podcasts and spent an hour convincing myself to just keep going. Not fun, but I’m glad I did it.

My goal for the next week is to stay within my point/calorie range each day and to exercise each week day. I will work with the trainer 3x (T, TR, F), go to pilates 2x (T, TR) and will work out on my own 3x (M, W, F). Next weekend is up-in-the-air re: exercise because we will be out of town. I always try to exercise when traveling, but never seem to succeed. I guess that should be a goal, but I’m not sure that it’s overly realistic.

So … counting points/calories seems to be effective. Why do I always forget this?

I am SO sore today. I didn’t have issues with pilates last night, but I have been progressively hurting more and more throughout the day. I haven’t been this sore in a long time. I love pilates, but damn. I feel it!

I tried to get some cardio in today, but didn’t get much because I didn’t have a lot of time. I did a pretty intense 20 minutes on the stairmaster and walked a few laps around the track. Sort of disappointing.

Food
7am: 1 cup All Bran, 1/2 cup Milk, Coffee (4)
11:30am: (Falafel Hut) Chicken Shawarma Wrap, Water (approx 12)
8pm: Grilled Cheese (2 Wheat Bread, Cheddar Cheese, Mushrooms), Salad w/1T Italian Dressing (10)
Total Points: 26
Not an overly balanced day, but I didn’t have much time between lunch and arriving back at home close to 8.

I am really wanting a brownie right now.

Hour w/trainer (AM)
Pilates Class (PM)

Today is our anniversary. We spent our evening attending a pilates class and eating way too much Italian food. Good day. I’m lucky.

I feel as if I could sit here and create a list of ailments a mile long. I’ve always been a hypochondriac, but it’s getting out of control. I haven’t actually been sick in ages (except for my stomach, but that’s easily controlled with a decent diet … and the iron issue, but that has been resolved), but I’ve been feeling as if my body wants to be sick for a few weeks now. I take a vitamin every day, get plenty of sleep, etc. but I just feel this low level crappiness. The root of the problem might be that I’m on day NINE of my “monthly affliction” (as J endearingly calls it) with no end in sight. Between that and the raging PMS that accompanied it … I’m surprised I’m not divorced. I don’t know what’s going on with my body. It’s wearing me down, though.

I didn’t feel like going to the gym today and didn’t have an appointment with the trainer, so I didn’t exercise today. I did an hour of cardio yesterday, which, of course, made me feel great. Maye I should’ve forced myself to go to the gym, but I decided to take a nap instead.

The WW point counting is going well. I am actually fairly surprised at how well the weekend went. Jon made corned beef/cabbage/potatoes for lunch on Saturday, which I had to smell for hours AND is one of my most favorite meals, but he weighed it all and I ate an appropriate portion. We had reubens the next day with the leftover corned beef, but I chose to use a large amount of points to do that. Dinner on Saturday was pizza. Dinner on Sunday was more reasonable – grilled chicken and Kale. Oh – Friday. Thai – Calamari, Rice, Salt & Pepper Shrimp. Bad, but SO good. Overall, one of the better weekends I’ve had recently. I ate more than I should have eaten on a few occasions, but I made some good choices, too. I weighed things and tried to control my portions about 85% of the time, which is an 85% improvement, so I’m happy.

Today – Food
7am: Oatmeal, Coffee (2)
1pm: Lean Cuisine Sesame Chicken, Apple Juice (9)
3pm: Few Almonds, Slice of Swiss Cheese, Couple of Crackers (5)
6pm: Vegetable Soup, Green Beans, Grilled Cheese (Rye Bread, 1T Brummel & Brown, Swiss Cheese, Mushrooms), Pineapple Chunks (11)
7pm: Ice Cream Bar (2)
Total Points: 29

I’ve eaten a lot of processed food today since lunch was frozen and dinner came mostly from a can. I don’t care too much at the moment. Could’ve been worse.

I’ve been saying that a lot lately – could’ve been worse. I could be 55 pounds heavier. I could be eating Taco Bell and Big Mac’s every night. I could still hate exercise. I guess I sort of feel like I should be striving for perfection when the most I can muster right now is just slightly better. I’ll get there.

I recently had to attend a meeting that required me to dress in clothing other than t-shirts and shorts, so I had to find a purse. Inside the one I found was a WW weigh-in booklet from January 2006 (uh, yes, I have one purse and haven’t used it in approx 2 years … I really dislike purses and have a whole tangent about women’s clothes and pockets.). Anyway. J and I joined back then and kept it up for 3 months before we quit. It looks like I lost about 10 pounds throughout those months, and I know for sure that I gained them all back very quickly. Today, I am 55 pounds lighter than I was then … all of which I lost this year.

I’m very happy that I found that weigh-in booklet because I’ve been feeling very discouraged lately. The booklet didn’t miraculously end the discouragement, but it helped me realize that I’ve come a long way. I have no idea what happened to 2006 or to 2007, but 2008 has been a GREAT year. I’m not thrilled about the plateau I seem to be on, but I know I should be happy that I’m essentially maintaining right now and not gaining. I recognize that it’s a consequence of my poor eating habits the past few months, so I need to just take responsibility for it and move on. I might not make the 24 pound goal that I set a month or so ago, but I have lost 55 pounds this year. 55 pounds! I really need to get over the pessimism. It’s just … I’ve been gaining and losing the same few pounds for what seems like eternity! I realize it’s only actually been a couple of months, but still. I am NOT ready to maintain.

Exercise
30 min cardio @ gym (alone)
Hour w/trainer @ gym

I definitely got my cardio fix today. I bumped the stairmaster up a notch after realizing yesterday that my HR has become fairly static at the level I’m used to. THEN, I had my session with the trainer that started with 30 more minutes of walk/jog/sprint intervals. I seriously thought I might die at one point, but I realized today that I’d rather pick up the pace and really push myself to the brink of dying vs. have the mental capacity to recognize how much I’m suffering.

Typing this exercise stuff out has sort of helped me feel better about the scale and the discouragement, too. I can run! I can work out for an hour and a half without complaint! I find ways to fit in 2 hours of working out on days when I previously would’ve come home, eaten pizza and crashed. My life has radically changed. I guess the scale will continue to follow in time.

I’m not really into motivational images, but maybe I should hang the WW booklet on the refrigerator to remind myself that it IS possible to lose weight.

Exercise
Pilates Class (PM)
Hour w/trainer (AM)

I hope I can walk tomorrow. I wasn’t sore or even overly tired when I went to pilates tonight, but it just about killed me for some reason.

Food
7am: Oatmeal, Coffee (2)
9am: Banana (2)
10:30am: Sandwich (Chicken, Wheat Bread, Slice of Havarti, Lettuce), Pickle, Water (3)
Noon: 2 oz Almonds, 10 Prunes (10)
8pm: Grilled Cheese Sandwich (Wheat Bread, 1T Brummel & Brown, 2 Slices Cheddar), Chicken & Rice Soup, Few Crackers, Turnip Greens (11)
Total Points: 28

I had an early morning session with the trainer, spent the day in classes and then went almost straight to pilates tonight. Consequently, I really wanted nothing more than to pick up a pizza on the way home. I’ve decided to start counting WW points again, though, so that stopped us from doing it.

I really want that pizza right now.