So … I have collarbones. Who knew?

This weight loss experience has become very strange for me. I’m in territory that I haven’t seen in many years and it’s disconcerting. My body is changing and is becoming a body that I’m not familiar with. I was brushing my hair in front of a mirror the other morning and happened to notice my arms. I was standing in the dark, so I flipped on the light and then spent approx 10 minutes checking them out from different angles. I have NEVER seen muscles like this before. Same day, I noticed that I have hip bones.

I was once comfortable with my fat. I really had to be. I had been overweight so long that I had to either accept it and get used to it or do something serious about it. Doing something serious about it seemed like really hard work, so I gradually just got used it. Now, though, I find that I am increasingly anxious to get rid of it. I’m examining it. I’m plotting its demise. I’m increasing cardio and I’m cursing the day I allowed myself to get into this shape.

Exercise
Hour @ Gym (Cardio, Crunches, Stretching) in the AM
1.5 Hours @ Gym (Weights) in the PM

Food
Breakfast: All Bran, Milk, Banana, Coffee (6)
Lunch: Leftover Beef Stew, Water (approx 7)
Dinner: Pumpkin Polenta with Chorizo and Black Beans, Asparagus, Water (approx 10)
(I learned a couple of things from this recipe: A) I like pumpkin in pie form only B) chorizo creates LOTS of grease which will make me not want to eat it C) watch for splatters when a recipe says watch for splatters)
Snacks: Yogurt, Prunes, Provolone, Chicken & Roast Beef Roll-up, Milk (8)
Total Points: 31

Today has been an absolutely fabulous day. J’s flight got in around 11:30 last night, so he’s home. I have fall break and he took the day off, so we spent the day doing nothing productive, but everything fun. I ate a bunch of crap, but what’s new on that front, huh? I thought about going to the gym early in the AM before the day really started, but didn’t.

Food
Breakfast: All Bran Cereal, Milk, Coffee (4)
Lunch: (Falafel Hut) Chicken Shawarma – Pita, Chicken, Hummus, Lettuce & Tomato, Yellow Rice, Water
Dinner: 1 Slice Take & Bake Pizza, Water
Snacks: (Marble Slab) Peanut Butter Crunch Ice Cream on Waffle Cone, (@ movie) Popcorn & Dr Pepper

I woke up in a really foul mood and took it out on J through a 7am argument debate about safe haven laws and tv shows that depict women as dependent idiots who can do nothing more in life than rely on men – even after divorcing them. (Who even knows anymore why I’m able to get so furious about such a myriad of things all at once. Regardless, that tv show and all others like it are banned from this house. Am I the only one who thinks this pop culture BS degrades women and portrays us as helpless dependents who need the men who are stupid enough to marry us for our very existence? Give me an effin’ break.)

Anyway. I appear to be having issues today.

Exercise
Hour w/trainer

My stomach hurt throughout the entire session and I thought I was going to have to stop at one point. Nothing was overly strenuous, I just have a crazy stomach. I can’t eat very much before working out and I can’t drink water during work outs if I’m going to do crunches or anything else involving my stomach muscles. Makes me sick every time. It took a month or so of trial and error, but I’ve figured out exactly what works and what doesn’t. I stupidly ate a boca burger for breakfast knowing full well that I can eat about 1/2 cup of cereal before a work out and NOTHING ELSE.

My trainer gave me information about a running performance study being conducted at my university. It’s a maximal oxygen consumption test that will apparently take an hour (spread over two days) to complete. Day one I’ll have to do a submaximal treadmill test and day two will require a maximal treadmill test. My trainer participated and was able to tell me how the test is conducted. I’m surprisingly not worried about the physical part and am only worried about the mask-over-your-face part. I haven’t yet contacted the person conducting the study, but I think that I’m going to. The information says that I’ll be provided with my optimal training zone, so I’m excited about that.

Food
Breakfast: Boca Burger, 1/2 Wheat Bun, Coffee (1.5)
Lunch: Tilapia, Asparagus (steamed), Babybel Cheese, Water (5)
Dinner: Ramen, Crackers, Water (10)
Snacks: Banana, Chocolate Pop-Tarts (10)
Total Points: 26.5
Did ok until dinner. I had an out-of-control craving for carbs and had no pasta in the house. I found a package of Ramen that had been around for a couple of years and decided to eat that with crackers, followed by chocolate pop-tarts (that I did NOT purchase for myself). I justified it all because I stayed within an appropriate point range, but I know how dangerous that kind of thinking can be. I was too hungry. I could’ve made better choices had I eaten earlier and not let myself become ravenous.

Exercise
Hour @ Gym (Cardio, Crunches, Stretching)

Food
Breakfast: (McD’s) Egg McMuffin, Coffee (6.5)
Lunch: All Bran Cereal, Milk, Banana, Babybel Cheese, Water (8)
Dinner: (Firehouse Subs) Steak & Cheese Sub, Water (18)
Total: 32.5
Overall, not good. Didn’t make many healthy choices. In my (slight) defense, I had NO IDEA that the steak & cheese sub is 18 points. I know I should have known better, but good lord. That’s ridiculous.

I weigh exactly what I weighed the week before last, so I guess that’s a good thing.

Exercise
Hour w/trainer

I had a headache going into the session, but felt great afterward, of course. My knees started to hurt while walking, though, which has never happened before. I’m pretty sure it’s my shoes. I started noticing that they felt worn out a week or so ago and REALLY noticed it yesterday while jogging, so I think it’s time for new ones. It’s amazing to me that I’ve so thoroughly worn out a pair of running shoes! This has definitely never happened to me before. I think that I’m going to try to go someplace local that can give me advice re: the type of shoe to buy versus picking out pretty ones online. I’ve never really put any thought into shoe buying beyond color selection, so this is new territory for me. I have no idea where to even begin.

Food
Breakfast: Oatmeal Squares Cereal, Milk, Coffee (3)
Lunch: Quesadilla, Water (8)
Dinner: Tilapia Fillet, Wheat Bun, Mayo, Lettuce, Sweet Potato, 1T Brummel & Brown, Asparagus, Water (10)
Snacks: Banana, 5 Prunes, 2 Pieces Taffy (5)
Total Points: (26)
I’m sending my food logs to my trainer again. I used to take my notebook and let her look over it, then I started emailing it all to her, then I burned out and started just telling her, now I do nothing. It’s definitely time to get fanatical about the cal/fat/fib/pro stuff again. I’m much more cognizant of what I eat, in general, and am fully aware of what I’m doing when I eat 3,000 calories a day, but I apparently need to feel pressure NOT to do it.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when sore muscles comes from sitting too long instead of coming from exercise.

To say that I’ve been busy and stressed would be an understatement. The weight gain hasn’t even been a consequential event for me. I just haven’t had time to worry about it. I’ve been doing things like going out of town and writing papers and working on editing projects for 12 straight hours and trying to prepare for exams and figuring out ways to fit in homework for the “fun” (non-credit) class that I added to my already hectic semester. And politics? I just don’t know that I’m going to make it through the next month without having a heart attack.

Food has been a big problem. It’s increasingly obvious to me that I use it inappropriately during stressful times. It’s pretty bad, to me, to wake up morning after morning with heartburn from hamburgers, nachos, pizza, etc., but I’m seemingly unable to stop myself from eating things (and quantities) that I KNOW I shouldn’t. I think I ate ice cream every single day for a solid week. Nice, huh? The only victory I had in this area was the decision to throw away the (half) chocolate cake that J brought home from his birthday celebration at work. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to get it back out of the trash the next day, but the rational part of my brain kicked in and I quickly realized how effin’ stupidly I was thinking. (It was in a plastic container so it’s not QUITE as gross as it sounds.)

I met with my trainer twice last week and also attended the stability ball class, so I worked in 3 hours of exercise. I don’t think that I’ve exercised that little during a week at all this year. I told myself that I couldn’t justify any extra time spent exercising, and maybe I couldn’t. I’m not going to look back on it now and judge my decisions or beat myself up over it. I made it to the gym today, though, and feel better. I jogged, spent 20 minutes on the stairmaster and 10 on the elliptical. I did various types of crunches. I stretched. I spent well over an hour doing the different things, catching up on podcasts and spending time focusing on getting my motivation back. I love working out with my trainer, but I had quickly forgotten how much I love working out alone, too. I can just be. No pressure to perform or even to think. It was very relaxing.

Anyway. The bulk of the stress is over. I really have no excuse for eating everything in sight but I’m going to chalk it up to another bump in the road. Life is definitely not perfect and I’m most certainly not perfect. I’ll start losing again. (eventually)