I have been unbelievably stressed and swamped the past few weeks.  I’m on the downswing, I hope, but I still have To Do lists everywhere and notes written to myself so that I don’t forget something. I feel as if I’m losing my mind most days.

I physically feel much better and have been trying to be more consistent with my diet.  I haven’t actually succeeded all that often, but I’m trying.  It’s very apparent to me that stress makes me want to eat flat-out junk.  I want to eat to make myself feel better when the stress is intense and then I want to eat to reward myself when I’ve accomplished something.  It’s an insane cycle.

Exercise
Hour w/trainer

I did so many lunges and squats on Tuesday that I almost couldn’t sit yesterday.

I am really very happy about my resting heart rate. The trainer told me today that it was 85 when I started with her, dropped to 70-something a few months ago, dropped to 63 a month or so ago and was at 60 last week. I don’t know that it’s an overly wonderful way to measure my progress, but it makes me happy.

Food
8am: Oatmeal, Coffee
Noon: LC Sesame Chicken (frozen), Salad w/1T Italian Dressing, Water
2pm: Banana
3pm: Popcorn
7pm: (Falafel Hut) Falafel, Hummus, Pita, Yellow Rice, Water
8pm: Coffee
9pm: 3 Reese’s PB Cups

Today has been a bad day. I woke up from a deep sleep around 3am and immediately thought I was about to die right there in my bed. My stomach was hurting so horribly I could hardly stand it. I wasn’t nauseous, but felt pure pain. It kind of felt like my stomach and back were in the midst of the worst spasm of my life. It got better and I eventually fell back asleep for a while. I woke up at 4, though, with the same thing happening … only worse. J wanted to go to the hospital right then, but I didn’t relent until I was crawling around on the bed, sweating with chills, and feeling as if I might pass out from the pain. There’s not much that I dislike more than a hospital ER.

I don’t know what’s wrong. The Dr. I saw thinks it’s an ulcer and advised me to go to the GI Dr. I told her I was supposed to see last month (have had other issues). I am extremely reluctant to do that, though, because I know what will be involved in determining if I have an ulcer and I’m not willing to go there. I think I will take the meds she prescribed and hope it heals. I’ve never heard of an ulcer causing the type of issues I had during the night, but apparently it happens.

I have always been reluctant to take medication of any kind and have to be in pretty severe pain to take even over-the-counter stuff. Consuming or having foreign substances injected into my body makes me feel out-of-control, or as if there is potential that I will lose control (allergic reaction, drugged feeling, sleepy, etc). Needless to say, I completely freaked at the IV meds and later had to really focus to not panic at having dye flow through my veins for the CT scan. I very much felt poked and prodded and out-of-control and did not like it one bit. Guess I won’t be getting those new boobs after all. I don’t think I’d be able to handle the drugs/anesthesia.

If you think that’s the only craziness involved … well, you just don’t know me. GERMS. I have a cut on my finger and am still a little freaked at the thought that I had to touch a few things at that hospital. I can NOT believe that I forgot to put a band-aid on (although I doubt that it would’ve mattered much).

J is a saint.

The meds made me feel much better and I left the hospital feeling just about fine. I slept until almost 2pm, though, and have felt kind of crappy since waking up. I definitely feel better than I felt this morning, but my stomach is still not happy.

Exercise
None

Food
10am: Raisin Bran, Coffee
2pm: (Panera Bread) Broccoli & Cheese Soup, Bread
5pm: Apple Cider
7pm: Roasted Chicken, Steamed Squash, Steamed Asparagus, Approx 6oz Coke (which was a HUGE mistake. think i am an idiot)

Exercise
Hour w/trainer @ gym

I am surprisingly not sore at all from the boot camp last night. The only issue I have is with one of my wrists. I injured it a while back and will occasionally overdo something and feel the effects afterward. We did the crab walk exercise (forward and backward) several times last night. We also did the bear crawl (forward and backward) AND some other kind of movement where we started in a downward-facing dog-ish position, walked our legs forward without bending the knees, then walked our hands forward until we were in push-up position, did a push-up and then started over by walking our legs forward and repeated around the track (I didn’t make it that far, though). Oh … and I did regular push-ups earlier in the day. Anyway. The point of this is I used my hands and wrists quite a bit last night and one of them hurts today.

In other news, I just recently noticed that I practically live in work out clothes/work out mentality. First time I noticed: J asked if I had cut my hair and I was perplexed until I realized that I haven’t had my hair out of a ponytail in weeks. I think he just hasn’t actually seen my hair in a while. Second time I noticed: I put on a regular bra the other day and felt naked, free and a little odd. I have apparently become quite used to wearing a sports bra.

Food
8am: Oatmeal, Coffee
12:30pm: 2 Scrambled Eggs w/0.5oz Cheddar Cheese, Few Slices of Roast Beef, Handful of Roasted Almonds, Sugar Snap Peas, Water
6:30pm: Taco Soup, Cornbread, 12oz Coke
7:30pm: 1 Piece of Chocolate

Exercise
Fitness Eval w/Trainer – Extremely minimal exercise (1 minute each crunches and push-ups, 1 mile walk) – AM
Hour Pilates Boot Camp – PM
I went in to the fitness eval in an extremely bad mood. I didn’t wake up hating the world (as I have most every other morning for the past week or so), so it wasn’t as bad a mood as it could’ve been … but it was still bad. I shouldn’t have weighed myself prior to going.

The eval was actually extremely encouraging. I have not lost a ton of weight over the past three months, and only lost a few inches, but my body fat % fairly significantly decreased. The trainer seems pretty convinced that I am gaining muscle mass and am currently replacing fat with muscle . She seems confident that I will eventually see some more actual weight loss. I don’t know. I saw the body fat info (but didn’t write it down), feel the difference in my clothes and can actually see muscles that I never knew existed … but … I have trained myself to be a slave to the scale.

Food
7am: Oatmeal, Coffee
10:30am: Few Slices of Roast Beef, Slice of Havarti, Almonds, Sugar Snap Peas, Water
5:30pm: (Wendy’s) Chicken Sandwich, Baked Potato w/Butter & SC, Water
8pm: WW Ice Cream Bar
I have been incredibly busy and am surprised that I have had time to eat anything at all. The oatmeal was eaten in the car on the way to meet the trainer. The 10:30 meal was eaten in the car on the way to a class. The 5:30 meal was grabbed on the way home from campus and was eaten in about 10 minutes as I was running late for the pilates class. I didn’t make excellent choices today (wendy’s), but I feel as if I made the best possible choices given my schedule/situation.

Exercise
Hour w/trainer

Food
7am: Oatmeal, Coffee (3)
11am: Turkey on Wheat w/Havarti & Mayo, Banana, Handful of Roasted Almonds, Pickle, Water (12.5)
3pm: Almonds, Babybel Cheese (6)
4pm: WW Ice Cream Bar (2)
6:45pm: Tilapia, Baked Potato w/Brummel & Brown, Yogurt, Little Bit of Cheddar Cheese, Salad w/Italian Dressing, Water (10)
8pm: 2 Chocolate Pop-Tarts (8) (Need to get these OUT of the house.)
Total Points: 41.5
I’ve eaten way too much today. 30 points should be my absolute maximum, but I can’t seem to keep it under. I’ve been at home alone all day (minus the hour at the trainer) and I’ve wanted to do nothing but eat junk.

I really just don’t have the energy to whine about how much I’m eating or about how I’m not losing weight. I feel hopeless tonight.

We did it! We didn’t get mauled by a bear and neither of us fell off the side of the mountain. We took a (sometimes too) heavily traveled trail, so that somewhat helped me get over the bear fear. The unmitigated pain is what truly helped me get over the bear fear, though. I couldn’t really focus on my surroundings because I was primarily focusing on not dying.

I can vividly remember struggling to walk up the 0.5 mile paved path to Clingmans Dome about 2 years ago. I can even more vividly remember the day I actually easily made it up the short path just 6 months ago. I was very happy, but never dreamed a fairly strenuous 11 mile hike would be in my future. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck last night, but it was worth it.

We stopped to eat the lunch we brought at the LeConte Lodge at the top and we stopped to take pictures here and there. 8 hours total, but overall I’d say we spent about 7 straight hours walking, climbing and hanging on for dear life.

The fog was pretty intense and it rained on us, so it was quite slippery at times. Also, have I ever mentioned that I am terrified of heights? Honestly, I was terrified throughout most of the hike. Nothing but sheer determination got me up that mountain.

My entire body is still pretty sore today, but it’s actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I can’t believe what a good all-over workout I got. Everything from my shoulders to my lower stomach hurts a little. I expected my legs to be the most sore and am surprised that it’s actually my stomach, butt and shoulder muscles that are the most sore today. I don’t know why this is surprising – I stepped and pulled and jumped and stretched in all kinds of weird ways throughout the course of the day.

I get a little teary-eyed when I think about it today. This is most definitely the largest fitness accomplishment of my life.

PSA: The following is NOT a good thing to say to someone hanging onto a branch on the side of a mountain praying that a bear will not kill her – “Watch out. There’s an animal coming towards you.”

Exercise
Hour @ Gym (Cardio)
Hour @ Gym w/trainer

I usually don’t like to work out for more than an hour at a time (unless I’m just doing weights/lifting), but my schedule today forced me to have to get some cardio in immediately before my appointment with my trainer. I didn’t know that she’d want to jog, so I could’ve probably skipped half of the first hour, but I’m glad I had such a good workout today. The 2 hours just flew by.

Food
6:30am: All Bran, Milk, Coffee (4)
2pm: WW Enchiladas, 4 Sticks of Celery, 2T PB, Water (11)
4pm: Babybel Cheese, 2 Cucumber Slices w/Hummus (3)
6pm: Tilapia, Kale, Sweet Potato w/1T Brummel & Brown, Water (8)
8pm: (Starbucks) Caffé Mocha (no WC) (5)
Total Points: 31

I was completely led to believe that we’d be spending “a day in the mountains” tomorrow and believed we’d be taking pictures and having a picnic and all that from the comfort of the car or the safety of a highly traveled trail. Turns out, though, that I’m being coerced into hiking. An approximately 6 hour hike. 3 hours up, 3 hours down. 3 hours from the car (in MY opinion) = 3 hours from safety. I am TERRIFIED of bears. I have been terrified of bears since encountering one on a hike a while back. Any doubts that I might’ve had about the fight or flight instinct were laid to rest that day and I’ve been hesitant to even enter areas that might house bears out of fear of certain death.

I don’t know how I get talked into doing these things.

I have a (semi-insane) theory that drinking from water fountains will make me sick. I am aware that I’m likely misguided and that it probably just falsely seems to me that water fountains are germ spreading devices that make me sick every time I drink from one, but I choose to believe anyway.

I chose to drink from a water fountain a week ago and now feel like I’m getting a cold for the first time in a very long time. Psychological or real? Who knows? I just know that I REALLY regret drinking that water because I very much do NOT need to be sick right now.

Exercise
Hour w/trainer in AM

Food
6:30am: 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast w/2T Peanut Butter, Yogurt, Coffee
10:30am: Lean Cuisine Sesame Chicken, Water
2pm: Protein Bar, Cashews, Water
6:30pm: (Ruby Tuesday’s) Salad, 1/2 Salmon, 1 Skewer Shrimp, 1/2 Rice, Broccoli (split entree w/Jon), Water

Exercise
Hour @ Gym (Cardio, Crunches, Stretching)

Food
7am: Slice of Whole Wheat Toast w/2 T Peanut Butter, Hardboiled Egg, Coffee (8)
Noon: (Smoothie King) Strawberry Smoothie w/Protein (7)
2pm: Lean Cuisine Sesame Chicken, Water (7)
3:30pm: Goldfish Crackers, Babybel Cheese, Water (4)
6:30pm: Banana
8pm: Stuffed Zucchini

I think I’m getting sick.

Another wave of stress has hit. Will I keep up my 2 hour a day workout routine or will I succumb to my daily ice cream leanings? I wish I could say that my motivation and willpower are both stronger than earlier in the month, but I don’t think that I can. Effective handling of stress is something I need to work on.

Exercise
Hour Yoga Class @ Gym in PM
(First time @ a class taught by someone other than my trainer. I enjoyed it quite a bit and am glad that we went. I feel like I’m constantly seeking cardio, though. Yoga didn’t give me my fix.)
Hour w/trainer in AM

I really thought that I’d be very sore this morning after doing so much yesterday, but I wasn’t. Instead, I spent the morning focusing on the fact that I have GAINED WEIGHT. I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every morning. I don’t care. Tomorrow is the official weekly weigh-in, so we’ll see how it goes. The yo-yo-ing is getting out of control.

Food
Breakfast: All Bran, Milk, Coffee
Lunch: Roast Beef, Chicken & Provolone Roll-up, Hardboiled Egg, Water
Dinner: Turkey Burger (Wheat Bun, Mayo, Lettuce, Provolone), Steamed Broccoli & Squash, Water
Snacks: PB Granola Bar, Banana, Goldfish Crackers, Fig Newtons, Slice of Provolone Cheese
My lunch was a joke. The roll-up was just one thin slice each of chicken, roast beef and cheese rolled up quickly as I ran out the door. I had a granola bar and banana with me, so I ate those later, but was still starving when I got home. The goldfish crackers, fig newtons and cheese were not good choices, but were the quickest things I could grab to get some food in my stomach. I could NOT cook dinner while so hungry. (except I have a fabulous husband who cooks every night … so … uhh … i guess i couldn’t watch while so hungry)