Fit Together

I have been irrationally and freakishly intensely craving sugar today.

I didn’t eat much for breakfast – a hard boiled egg and a slice of swiss cheese – but I ate a decent lunch (BBQ). Unfortunately, I walked in the door to the BBQ place and saw a picture of a hot fudge cake.

That was all it took.

I swear I thought about that damn hot fudge cake the whole time I ate lunch. Toward the end of the meal, I casually joked to Jon that maybe we should get one. He shot it down immediately, of course, and I (quite irrationally) had the thought that I could just get one to go after he left and take it home to eat it all by myself.

The good news? I didn’t do it. Also? The thought lasted about .03 seconds before I recognized that I’m having problems today.

The hot fudge cake is NOT the issue. I eat that kind of stuff if I really want it. I don’t do deprivation.

The problem? I didn’t just want it – I was obsessing about it. I was mad when Jon didn’t want it. I didn’t want it just to want it as a casual treat. I was having crazy thoughts and I knew it.

I’d like to say that the crazy thoughts went away, but they didn’t. I’ve had to actively work on talking myself out of eating junk all day. We don’t keep much in our house, but I’ve had to talk myself out of drinking a coke (purchased for kids – which I mostly disagree with, but it’s not my call), out of eating an entire chocolate candy bar I’ve had hanging around for about a week, and out of eating some crap candy we bought for Halloween.

Not so successful on that last part.

I think I horrified myself out of wanting any more sugar after I got a slight (well, 3 small boxes) fix. I also realized as I cried my way through the Biggest Loser that I must be having hormone issues.

We bought this shit specifically because I knew buying any sort of chocolate would be a mistake. I had NO idea I’d ever actually consider eating it and almost didn’t even buy it to give to trick-or-treating kids because … uhh … it’s just disgusting. I didn’t throw away the leftovers because I NEVER dreamed I’d eat it.

It’s just effin’ ridiculous that I have to work so hard to talk myself out of damaging behaviors because of PMS. Seriously RIDICULOUS. My thoughts just change. I go from rational to irrational scarily quickly.

Jon put some sort of meat in the crock pot this morning and let it cook all day. We put lettuce, some pepperjack cheese, homemade guacamole, some homemade yogurt and salsa on top.

No exercise today, but I had an extremely busy day catching up on life stuff – took the car to have the oil changed, went to a dentist appointment, got my hair cut, cleaned the house, paid bills.

I’m exhausted tonight.

Ok. I can do this. I know how to do this.

I was reminded of that today when someone I’ve known for a while – someone who knew me at my heaviest – asked me for advice about weight loss.

I was surprised.

I feel so incredibly far from my goal most of the time and so out of shape almost every day. I feel as if I’m never doing enough. (Which is admittedly a whole different issue.)

I really don’t feel as if I’m in any position to give other people advice about healthier living – yet I get asked a lot (although quite a bit less than as I was actively losing large chunks). I DO know how to do it. I do it. I’ve done enough to lose 80ish pounds. I’m doing enough to at least maintain that.

I have some sort of all or nothing mindset going on and I don’t think it’s doing me any favors.

Breakfast this morning was simple and quick. Primarily, it was a hard boiled egg. I also rolled up a piece of some sort of herb chicken, a slice of swiss cheese and some spicy mustard.

Jon cooked some italian sausage, onions and mushrooms for our lunches today, which he put on top of some spinach. I heated it up in a microwave and somewhat cooked the spinach – was good.

I also brought along an orange.

And some nuts.

I had a really long day. I went straight from a class to working out and then straight home to eat dinner that I really enjoyed because I was STARVING.

I did an hour of pilates and an hour of training tonight and am not going to be able to move tomorrow.

Well, I’ve been looking at my calendar and dreading this past week for over a month. I started chanting “it’s going to be over in 5 days, it’s going to be over in 5 days, it’s going to be over in 5 days” on Monday and kept it up most of the week.

I survived.

I have one more pretty big event to deal with and then I’m DONE with (school/work) stress (for the most part) minus the day-to-day crises, which are totally manageable.

I weighed myself on Friday and found that I’m down a pound to 191.0. I’m happy I made it off the 192 plateau, but not too happy. I’ve done it before. I have no hope it will last and I really just don’t care.

I’m very seriously in one-day-at-a-time mode with the weight loss. I was going to try to write down my food every day, was going to try the zone block thing, was going to commit to take pictures every day – but it’s just not doable.

I’m doing ok. It’s pretty fucking ridiculous that I’m SO close to my goal and am struggling so much – but it is what it is.

Upside to the situation (besides the 1 pound loss) – I went shopping yesterday and fit into a size 12. I very marginally want to believe that my training (which I’m consistent with) is resulting in the building of muscle and reduction of fat, but I’ve always rolled my eyes at that …. so … can’t really go there. Whatever the reason, I can’t remember ever being below a 14, so I’m feeling pretty happy about that.

Jon spent some time today getting us ready for the upcoming week despite not feeling overly well.

He hurt his back sometime last week while lifting weights. Unlike me, he doesn’t bitch and whine incessantly, so I had no idea exactly how badly he’d hurt himself until he came home from work early one afternoon and laid in bed the rest of the day. I don’t know that he’s ever – throughout the history of our relationship – come home or stayed home from work because of an illness or injury.

He’s a freak. A freak who never gets sick, never complains, and will clean out a garage and cook without once saying a word about how his back is still killing him until it’s all done and I tell him he looks tired. I’m not sure how he does it – I’d whine and complain about every twinge. Seriously.

He cooked a chicken for lunch salads.

Boiled some eggs for quick snacks.

And made homemade yogurt.

Henry seems to have no complaints – except that he’d love to have some of that chicken.

Today has been really, really good. I had a minor (well, major-ish) freak-out when Jon planned a short trip for this weekend because I have a million things to do, but I’m glad he did it and I’m glad I got over myself and I’m glad he’s willing to put up with my craziness.

Jon made breakfast at home before we left: bacon, scrambled eggs and yogurt with a few walnuts, blueberries and raspberries.

We left home and headed through the Great Smoky Mountains National Park to get to the Blue Ridge Parkway, which is where we spent most of the day. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, so I’m glad we took advantage of it.

Jon packed a simple picnic lunch – chicken wings (that he marinated with some jamaican jerk stuff and cooked last night – we ate them cold today), an apple with a little PB and cheese.

Very nice – peaceful – day.

We arrived at tonight’s hotel and were given WARM chocolate chip cookies. I can pass up a lot of things, but warm? I just have zero desire to resist.

Got to the room and found even more junk. WHY DO THEY DO THIS? I have no desire to eat this stuff … not a challenge to pass it up … but seriously. Just seems like this place is hellbent on making sure we eat some chocolate tonight.

I didn’t take any pictures at dinner because the place was dark and packed, but it was a basic chain seafood place that happened to be within walking distance of the hotel. Jon, his child #3 and I all split the meal. Jon seemed skeptical about sharing 3 ways, but it was plenty of food, for sure.

I have an absolutely fabulous husband. He planned and took care of the whole weekend – I didn’t even know where we were staying tonight until I thought to ask about mid-way through the day. I’m very lucky.

Well … 192.0 again today. No change WHATSOEVER. I guess I should be happy that I’m very easily maintaining this weight (versus gaining) given the craziness of life right now, but I’m not. AT ALL. I’m going to have to get serious about changing something. It’s apparently not exercise – I added 2 hours this week.

I can’t even begin to describe how much I do NOT want to count calories every day.

I know I have a choice to make – and I know constantly bitching about it isn’t productive – was just hoping I could up the exercise and see at least a LITTLE change.

Anyway – I was catching up on blog reading/procrastinating and watched this video Tess posted:

That, of course, led to this one (which is a great portrayal of what I envisioned my very first gym visit to look like):

Which led to one that’s … interesting … or something:

Moral of the story: I have a problem.

I won’t count calories because I claim to have no time, but I’ll sit and watch a man pose and flex for 5 minutes and will then break out my DSM … and will then be even MORE curious to find out what the internet has to say that I’ll read all about muscle dysmorphia/bigorexia.

Yeah. Slight problem with procrastination.

Today was typical. Jon put a roast in the crockpot with a few potatoes, carrots, onions and rutabagas. I didn’t eat much since I’m apparently going to have to starve myself, but it was excellent . Beef this time – no more elk. Too stressful.

(Edited to add: I added 2 hours of strength stuff. NOT cardio. I did zero long/slow distances. Also? I’m open to suggestions.)

I have been feeling incredibly negative lately. VERY negative. Like – hate the world negative – except I don’t. Sit around and bitch all day negative – except I don’t do that, either (well, not much).

I am NOT handling stress well right now. I don’t like myself when I’m this way – it has to stop. I’m not a negative person. I’m cynical and (some might say) arrogant and opinionated, but that strengths perspective thing? I am SO there.

I’ve tried to figure out what’s going on with me lately and even made a list of the things that are bothering me/stressing me out … and started crossing off things I can’t control.

Turns out I can’t control much of it – but I CAN control one part: my eating and exercise. Seems stupid that I’d add that to the list, but this is a fairly large stressor given how strongly I want to make my weight loss for the goal for the year. And given the fact that I see/feel myself slipping. And have been known to eat my weight in ice cream during times of high stress.

I’m definitely seeing a pattern of craziness start to creep back in with the eating. I’m feeling stress about something (unrelated to food) … so …. I gravitate toward junk. If I don’t eat it, I sit there feeling the known stress and wanting to alleviate it with food. If I eat it, I may or may not alleviate the known stress, but I always circle right back on around to stress about the weight, anyway. I can’t win either way and I KNOW THAT.

Recognizing it has helped, but that doesn’t completely change the situation. The pattern is there. Just waiting. Food has been my coping method – always, I guess.

I’m aware and in control – most of the time. I know I need to be in control always. I know I can. It just requires some work.

I had a session with the trainer at 6AM that tremendously improved my mood. Went to pilates tonight, too.

My eating has been random throughout the day.

I ate eggs when I got home from working out.

I KNOW it’s going to be a good day when I make a huge (but not surprising, of course) mess that doesn’t result in tears.

TWO.

I was cooking some eggs at the time. Dog obedience = worth every moment spent working on it. His little tongue was sticking out and he was whining like crazy, but he wouldn’t go near it without permission.

I threw a bunch of random stuff in my bag for lunch since I spent my salad making time cleaning up eggs.

Walnuts:

An apple and some strawberries:

And cheese:

I ate a mini snickers on my way home (given to me – in a car, but I wasn’t moving):

I ate a couple more eggs when I got home – prior to pilates:

Dinner = ribs picked up from a BBQ place on the way home from pilates and some steamed asparagus:

Not the best food day, but I feel like I have a lot of energy – and it carried me through 2 (non-consecutive) hours of working out …. I’m ok.

So, I’ve scrapped the zone block thing. I sat down with the info after lunch today and tried to count the blocks/plan ahead/etc. and quickly decided I just don’t have the motivation to learn something new right now. I’m sure it’s easy and I’m sure it would likely be easier than what I’m already doing, but I just don’t have one inch of brain space to spare right now. I don’t know why I have a tendency to want to add new things to my life when I’m overextended and ready to kill myself.

I’ve been on my own all day since Jon has some work stuff going on, so my meals have been quick and easy.

No breakfast because I just didn’t feel like dealing with it. I don’t think I drank enough coffee, either, because I’ve had a headache all day. I’m trying to cut down because I want to quit altogether, but again with WHY DO I DO THIS adding stress to an already stressed state? I sometimes freak out about my teeth being stained from the coffee … but eh. I think I’d rather drink it through a straw than give it up at this point.

I found a frozen turkey burger in the freezer, so I cooked that with onion, bell pepper and mushrooms … and put some spicy mustard on top.

I had a snack sometime mid-afternoon – a small honeycrisp apple and some PB.

Dinner was sausage and peppers – the easiest meal I know how to make. I waited to eat it too late in the day and missed the sun.

My dessert? Yogurt, strawberries, raspberries and a few walnuts.

I’m hoping to make it to the gym tomorrow morning at 6AM. Not sure it’ll happen, but I’m going to try.

A year ago today, we hiked 11 miles. I guess I was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now, but I feel like my fitness level was higher/better. I feel like I was more focused then. I WAS more focused then.

Still can’t believe it, though.

Long day.

I spent about 8 hours writing a bunch of what now (upon a new reading) appears to be total shit. My vision is blurry and my brain is tired and I’m over it.

I thought about going to the gym early this morning, but I had what seemed to be a brilliant idea right at the deciding moment. Sat down and didn’t get up again for four hours – so – no gym.

Jon made the chili he was planning to make last night when he got up at 4:30 this morning (swear to god I have the best husband ever). Seemed a little strange to wake up to the house smelling like chili – it was a good thing, though. Excellent breakfast, too.

It was dark since it was early, of course, so the picture looks horrible. I tried to lighten it – just not my thing. I keep meaning to take a photoshop class at school while they’re free, but I never have time. Someday. Maybe. I do this just for fun, for sure, but it would be nice if most of the pictures didn’t look completely disgusting.

I ate chili again for lunch so I didn’t bother taking a picture. Exciting day – can’t you tell?

So … dinner …

Jon’s got some stressful stuff going on at work and has a hurting back and didn’t feel like cooking and I DEFINITELY didn’t feel like cooking anything … so we went out. AGAIN.

I’m still working on trying to eat at restaurants and not blow my whole week to hell – think I did ok tonight. We went to a Chinese place and I ordered mongolian chicken. I know the sauce on the chicken is likely full of sugar, but I didn’t eat much rice – maybe a spoonful or two. And egg drop soup. Not too bad overall.

I haven’t been weighing much, but I recorded an “official” weight this morning. I’m back up to 192. I made it down to 189 VERY briefly but it went right back up and has been there consistently. My body is just REALLY liking that fucking weight for some reason.

I’d like to say I don’t know what to do to get off this plateau and reset my body so it doesn’t think this is where it should stay eternally – but I know. I’m just not doing it. I’m just not eating clean enough and I’ve dropped cardio to almost nothing. I eat well – but I don’t measure anything. I eat ok when we eat out – but not perfectly. I am maintaining with zero thought – just maintaining a weight I DON’T WANT TO BE.

The zone block thing? I’m getting around to it.

I’m becoming pissed at myself, for sure. I say I want to do something and get it over with and JUST DO IT for chrissakes … and then I just don’t. Or it takes me a while to get around to it. Or I don’t devote much time to it.

Irritating.

I need a reset button.

So … I googled “zone diet” after thinking more about it this morning and wound up on some website – promptly clicked right the hell back out. Please be assured that when I say I’m trying the zone thing, what I’m really saying is I’m going to attempt to use this block method I learned about last night as an easier way of controlling my portions.

Basically, I’ll break everything down into protein, fat or carb blocks (not far from what I’ve already been doing) and use a chart I was provided to determine what = a block. So … I’ll essentially just use a handout to know 1 oz of chicken breast = 1 block.

The blocks are designated according to body size. I’m going with “medium female” even though I doubt I’ll ever be a “medium female” given my height (5′10″), but what the hell? My blocks are 3 (of each protein, fat and carb) for breakfast, 3 for lunch, 3 for dinner and 2 total for snacks.

I thought about trying to figure out what that will look like calorie-wise, but I’m way too lazy for that. I don’t think I’ll have a problem but I’m going to monitor the carb consumption. I haven’t thought ahead enough to really know for sure what these blocks are going to look like … and I’m not wanting to exceed 100g each day … so we’ll see.

I didn’t keep up with the block thing today as I ate and I’m too tired tonight. So … uhhh … tomorrow.

Breakfast = scrambled (in butter) eggs w/mushrooms and half of the apple I didn’t finish yesterday.

I wasn’t hungry at all throughout the day because I was very focused on other things, so I ate just yogurt and fruit for lunch (with a couple squares of melted chocolate on top) … and some cheese.

I ate some nuts around 4PM.

Jon was standing in the kitchen tonight about to make dinner (chili) when an old friend/former co-worker of his called as he was driving through town and asked us to dinner – so we went. I didn’t take a picture because I didn’t want to appear to be a freak. I had asiago cheese bisque and a baked potato with chili, cheese and jalapeños. It really wasn’t worth pushing me well over 100g carbs, but it was ok.

I’m on fall break right now … this wonderful thing that should be allowing freedom and joy and all that … but in reality is packed full of things I haven’t had time to accomplish earlier. I really have no business thinking so much about food monitoring, but it happens. Also happening that shouldn’t be happening? Shopping. To replace everything we own.

We have an absolute obscene amount of clothes to do something with. Every article of clothing we’ve ever owned prior to right now just doesn’t fit either of us. I have almost brand new stuff I bought as I was losing weight that I’ve worn maybe twice – too big. I am probably going to donate all of it, but I’ve hesitated until now ONLY because of the expense related to replacing it all.

I’ve had a yard sale exactly once in my life and I hated it. I keep bugging Jon to do it again, but only halfheartedly because the thought of dragging all of our crap out onto the driveway to have people pick through it and then haggle with me about MONEY? Not my thing. I swear “Oh, you can just have it” came out of my mouth more times than a dollar amount did.

I don’t know what to do with it all. I guess I could haul it all to a resale place, but I definitely wonder if it’s worth it.

I am NOT interested in keeping any of it just in case, for sure. I had some issues with that in the beginning, but I’m 100% comfortable letting go of my bigger clothes. Keeping it all around just sort of seems that I’m anticipating failure at some point – don’t want that.

I learned something really interesting and beneficial tonight. Turns out butternut squash is considered to be an “unfavorable” carbohydrate. Honestly – can’t really say I’m all that sad about having some justification to not eat it. I like it – and would continue to eat it since it’s in season, blah, blah, blah – but I definitely don’t love it.

We went to a nutrition talk tonight at the CrossFit location Jon goes to. It was very well done and interesting – and validating since I already do almost everything they talked about.

(The thing I don’t do? Fish oil. Jon takes those huge pills, but I just can’t.)

I am not a big fan of “diets” and haven’t followed any sort of specific diet as I’ve lost weight – I like the primal approach and I see the benefit of WW and I count calories here and there. Mostly? I just don’t eat shit. That said, I think I might try the Zone way for a little while. I’ve read (skimmed) about it before and determined it was too much trouble – but what I learned tonight wasn’t so bad – potentially easier than counting calories and carbs.

I’m not planning to change the way I eat at all – just looking for some portion control. I’m going to go back to posting pictures and info daily, too. Taking the time to do that helps me focus and keeps me accountable – so my goal is to make it one month before I reevaluate.

I need to do something. I’m losing motivation re: weight loss because …. I don’t know. I’m just tired of thinking about it. I really enjoy thinking and talking about health and fitness. The weight loss part? OVER IT. I’m not done, for sure – need to work on tightening up my portions and get it over with for chrissakes.

I still need to lose about 20 pounds to make my 2009 goal – I WILL MAKE IT if it kills me. After that? Not sure. I’ll think about it when I get there.